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Tag Archives: internet pornography

Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack

16 Monday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News, Religion

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By Smaktakula

Bin Laden Debunks The Myth About Hairy Palms.

The Navy SEALs tasked with eliminating resilient Saudi boogeyman Osama bin Laden were trained to expect just about anything.  They knew, for example, that they would encounter fierce resistance from bin Laden and his lieutenants, and that the terror mastermind would not hesitate to toss away one of his countless wives like spent Kleenex if it meant adding a few more malice-drenched moments to his own tumultuous time on earth.  But what the SEAL team found was something America’s intelligence industry failed to anticipate, and which took the SEALs completely by surprise: bin Laden’s impressive and more-than-slightly-used pornography collection.

Osama Repeatedly Claimed It Was For His Dry Skin.

This information gap does US intelligence no credit, particularly since for the better part of a year, several publications–most notably Promethean Times–have been warning of the pervasive Pakistani predilection for particularly prurient and perverse porn.  As is now becoming more widely known, Pakistanis lead the rest of the world in filthy internet searches, and are rapidly gaining a reputation for harboring not only terrorists among their population, but goat-fuckers as well.

Osama's Fingerprints Were All Over This. Literally.

Is it any wonder then, that bin Laden–a guest in that great nation–would seek onanistic relief in such delightful naughtiness as Salaam Salami!, You Mecca Me Horny II and Riders of the Three-Humped Camel?  The picture becomes clearer when one considers bin Laden’s legendary sex drive, the horny hatemonger having more wives than the desert has sand.

A Copy Of This Book Was Found Under Osama's Mattress. It Was Identified Only After Investigators Were Able To Separate The Pages With A Razor Blade.

Because of the high security and the presence of so many people in the compound, privacy was at a minimum and as such, valued as a premium.  Even placing extra locks on the doors didn’t stop careless security personnel or nosy wives from barging in on bin Laden just as he was in the process of ‘blowing the first tower.’  Ironically, in the days before he was executed by US Forces, bin Laden devised a system whereby he would leave his turban hanging over the doorknob to let people know he was ‘taking the Haj.’

Fortunately, Osama Died Without Ever Knowing That His Favorite Footlong Was 100% Kosher.

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Hudgens Sets New Standard In Leaked Nudie Pix

11 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

We Only Bring This Up Because There Seems To Be Kind Of A Pattern Going On Here, But You Know They DO Make Cell Phones Without Cameras In Them.

Quickly following the theatrical release of her crossover bid Sucker Punch, racy photos of tween idol Vanessa Hudgens were released on the internet.  This makes an astounding third time the unlucky actress has seen her intimate photos leaked.  In an amazing coincidence, all three leaks have occurred while films featuring Hudgens were playing in theaters.  Despite being the victim, societal double-standards and Hudgens’ own status as a role model, should be enough to bring the blame for this incident squarely on the young starlet’s shoulders.

If You Rent 'High School Musical' Expecting To See Anything Like This, You're Going To Be Disappointed. A Lot.

Although they are few in number, Hudgens has her defenders, who point to her recent breakup with actor Zac Efron.  Supporters contend that the sudden absence from Hudgens’ life of such a juggernaut of testosterone-drenched heterosexual dynamism has affected both her judgement and libido.

Sometimes We Fear Zac Will Never Find The Right Girl.

Of course, the loudest voices will ring with scorn and derision.  Moralists will find much to condemn in these images, as will those who think the human body is a source of shame and sin.  But with the scandalous proliferation of internet nudie pix by such low-rent hags as Amber Portwood, isn’t it a bit of a nice change every now and then to see an attractive person naked?

Look--Your Best Shot Is To Go For 'Pretty On The Inside'--And We Have To Tell You, This Is Not Helping.

Reality Skank ‘Devastated’ By Nudie Pix

28 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Is There A Red-Blooded Male Out There Who HASN'T Asked Himself At Least Once, "What Would That Thing Look Like Naked?"

Overpaid hussy Amber Portwood is said to be ‘devastated’ by the recent release of several compromising pictures, which have rapidly gone viral.  The untalented reality star claims that the nude photos, which she labels “non-sexual,” were stolen from her phone by a trusted friend.

In this instance, feelings of pity for Ms. Portwood can be forgiven.  It is no doubt painful that she has not been compensated for these tasteful portraits, and that potentially millions of curiosity-seekers will “enjoy” her lackluster physique for no more than the cost of an internet connection, or in some cases, a library card.

Moreover, Portwood’s claim that the pictures are non-sexual is strengthened by the photographic evidence.  After viewing the images, it’s difficult to imagine that even the most maladjusted window-peeper could be aroused by these photos.

By The Time Amber Mounts Her 'Comeback' As A Porno Oddity, That Tattoo Will Look Even More Like Rosanne Barr Than It Already Does.

Given that a boob job is pretty much an eventuality for Portwood, we’re curious as to why she didn’t wait to take these pictures until she’d undergone the procedure, and in doing so avoid looking like a nine-year-old boy. ∞T.

Still Not What You Were Looking For?

30 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by in Art, Baseball, Cinema, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, History, Hollywood, Humor, International Relations, National Politics, People, Places, Political Correctness, Sports, Television, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

In which we once again present some of the various search-engine keywords used to find Promethean Times. Some, we suspect, were not on purpose.  See our first installment here: Not What You Were Looking For?.

live aid Geez, you put up one stupid Live Aid post, and suddenly you’ve got idiots knocking down your door for the rest of time.  Is Freddie Mercury really that beloved?  Thank you so much, Mike Meyers.  You too, Carvey.

humboldt promethean society Not sure if we can help you.  The Prometheus Society is club for freaks too smart for Mensa.  Smaktakula takes a dim view of organizations whose rigorous standards preclude his admission.  While there may in fact be many such individuals living in isolated cabins deep within the remote wilderness of Humboldt, these reclusive geniuses are no doubt so removed from society at large that they’re unlikely to turn up on an internet search.  Fortunately, anyone that smart knows to stay away from the demon weed, the great bane of the Humboldt.

narco children Frances Bean Cobain just wants to live a normal life.  Please try to respect that.

redman fraternal organization Right here.  Whites only, please.

criticism should 1549 “Sullenberger” We will tolerate no criticism of the heroic Captain Sullenberger.  The birds sent you, didn’t they?

wind up monkey Clang!  Clang!

underage boys blog We can’t help you, but thanks for checking.  Please remember to remain at least 500 feet from schools and city parks at all times.

america soccer ambivalence Happy to oblige.

bad mullet Is there any other kind?

when mullets attack We’re listening.

hell of a mullet Hell yeah!

skanky ho lindsay lohan Isn’t she, though?

raves should be illegal and banned Big Dittos, Rush!

old rainier brewery rave  Smaktakula may have attended one of these.  As a narc, of course.

will marijuana be legal in 2010 Not if Promethean Times has anything to say about it, Hippie!

ramtha volcanic eruption  We’ve got it.

ramtha marijuana Interesting.  Tell us more.

bush brothers & co new product New?  Treachery is as old as time itself.

passionate people and constructive crit Tell it to your diary, Nancy.

bull rider die And how!

waco massacre Dammit, Janet!

driving courtesy tips THANK YOU.

george sherrill beard—Yeah, we hate it too.

jesse sherrill senior rape trial 2010 You’re thinking of Jessie Sherrill, an accused rapist from Christian County, Kentucky.  We’ve got George Sherrill, whose late-inning incompetence doesn’t look half as bad when juxtaposed with a rapist.

kim jong il in united states Supposedly he’s in the United States secretly to buy DVDs and to fight female rapper ‘Lil Kim to the death over the use of the diminutive.  It is imperative that the United States Government not allow Kim to purchase those DVDs.

garfield the cat pitchman Fuck his fat lasagna-craving ass.  Promethean Times has never apologized for our Morrisist leanings and we never will.  Fuck Nermal and Odie, too.

haimster, 1971-2010 It still hurts.

pakastani home mad porn movies Ah!  A connoisseur!

irene folstrom Isn’t she the coffee heiress that the Manson kids chopped up?

mister wal mart He got laid off.

racism or cults in yelm wa Yelm really does offer a little something for everyone.

obama surprised Say Whaaaaaaaat?

sexy man cock Fred, just stop.  While we must admit we were initially flattered by your attention, your persistence has become a real turn-off.  The answer is no.

billie joe armstrong’s penis We hear it’s tiny.  Tommy Lee’s joint, however–now, that’s a penis.

johnston’s procedure penis A procedure to remedy “Torsion of the penis” which sounds pretty awful, and makes Smaktakula a bit of a dick for including it here.

north korean prison food Don’t be foolish.  There hasn’t been food in North Korea for years.

john bobbit penis + picture It’s in your bathroom above the sink.  Try looking at eye level.

have proven have proved Look, Smaktakula’s grammar is pretty goddamn good, but everybody makes mistakes.  You think this is easy?  You think it’s just talking like an Oxford ponce and liberally peppering the whole thing with vulgarities?  Okay, so maybe it is–but let’s see you try it, cock-knocker.  But then, we have an unfortunate tendency to over-analyze.

iran haircut policy Surprisingly progressive.

promethean lawsuit Uh oh.

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Nerds Demonstrate Some Value In Non-Technical Applications

26 Monday Jul 2010

Posted by in Culture, News, Religion

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By Smaktakula

It was San Diego’s darkest hour; America’s Finest City found itself in the grip of an unrelenting evil more insidious than any it had heretofore faced.  Across the fair city, harried citizens were paralyzed by a growing sense of doom: a small cadre of thugs, underlings of the odious Lord Gomorrah, had come to the city to share some of their vile asshattery.  Who would champion St. Diego’s city against the scourge of such villainy?

Who?   Who?   Who?

A bunch of overweight dudes in homemade costumes, as it turns out.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility: In This Case, Responsibility Means Two Cans Of Crisco And A Shoehorn.

When a handful of the despicable Reverend Fred Phelps’ minions from the Westboro Baptist Church descended upon the 2010 San Diego Comic Con, they were determined to spread the word of a loving God by letting the assembled geeks know that “GOD HATES FAGS.”   Unsurprisingly, the gathering of masked men bedecked in leather and rainbow-hued spandex remained unamused by the message.

True to San Diego’s motto, Semper Vigilans, the asthmatic assemblage was ready for the cretinous crew.  The pimple-ridden posse responded with fervor equal to the sanctimonious blowhards, proclaiming loudly and proudly that Captain Kirk was worth ten Captain Picards.*

As when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, insanity and inanity clashed with catastrophic results, leaving the shamed and demoralized Westboro Baptists to slink away.  Initially it appeared that the overweight avengers would track the evildoers back to their lair by following the trail of slime.  They turned back when it was noticed that the hour had grown late, and someone remarked that the busses stopped running after 9:00 PM.

"This Wasn't Just A Struggle Against Religious Bigotry," Says Sentry 24601, "This Was A Fight For Our Dignity."

Cultural contributions by nerds are various and well-known, including such everyday staples as smartphones, satellite technology and internet pornography.  However, until recently, these contributions had been strictly limited to technology and technology-related applications.  By taking a stand against Phelps & Co., spazzes have now made a non-technical contribution to American culture, however tiny and insignificant.

"Who's Laughing Now, Becky McGinnis? Huh? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?"

Nerds everywhere are said to be delighted by the turn of events.  Telephone and internet providers across the nation are bracing for a tsunami of activity across the information grid as the victorious nerds send word of their bravery.  Expected to be hit especially hard is the Niagara Falls area, where many of the convention-goers’ girlfriends are said to live.

*Sources at the scene insisted that Promethean Times record that those assembled were not able to reach consensus on this issue.  Although the majority were decidedly among the pro-Kirk faction, several felt that Picard outshone Kirk, adding, “Picard did it alone.  Kirk would be nothing without Mr. Spock.  Nothing!”  One participant listed Captain Janeway as his favorite, at which point he was set upon by the others.  As of this writing, he remains in critical condition at Scripps Mercy Hospital.