Tag Archives: poor impulse control

Sad Thoughts: Remunerative Inequality

15 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Bummer: The wayward strumpets on MTV’s Teen Mom get paid a lot more than you do.

This Child Is A Living Testament That, Given Enough Liquor, A Man Will Hump Just About Anything.

“Have you met my kids?  The older boy’s named Beer Goggles and this is my daughter, Regretta.  The little one’s Cody.”

Schadenfreuderiffic! At least she’s going to jail! ∞ T.

What, You Can’t Pee On Little Kids Anymore?

16 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by in Crime, Music, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Vietze's Career Is Golden And Smells Of Ammonia.

Talented downhiller Robert “Sandy” Vietze found out too late that when he urinated on a little girl during a flight to New York, he was also pissing all over his once-promising Olympic career.  The elite skier, 18, reportedly traded Olympic gold for a golden shower when he hosed down the sleeping 11-year-old during a redeye flight from Portland.

It Happened Pretty Much Like This.

Although he has been removed from the US Team roster,Vietze will likely escape prosecution because the girl, who was travelling to New York with her cancer-stricken father, is to too traumatized to provide evidence.  She and her family are trying to make the best of this horrifying experience.

When You Wake Amid A Golden Shower, It Can Seem Overwhelming.

Vietze is obviously concerned about that public reaction to the incident not be overblown, claiming that his actions were inadvertent and completely out of character.  The athlete doesn’t want to be painted as irresponsible, explaining that he had no way of knowing that the eight alcoholic drinks he consumed immediately before takeoff would have such a profound affect on his judgement.

R. Kelly Also Likes To Pee On Little Girls, But Unlike Vietze, He'll Make Honest Women Of Them.

Hudgens Sets New Standard In Leaked Nudie Pix

11 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News

≈ 17 Comments

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By Smaktakula

We Only Bring This Up Because There Seems To Be Kind Of A Pattern Going On Here, But You Know They DO Make Cell Phones Without Cameras In Them.

Quickly following the theatrical release of her crossover bid Sucker Punch, racy photos of tween idol Vanessa Hudgens were released on the internet.  This makes an astounding third time the unlucky actress has seen her intimate photos leaked.  In an amazing coincidence, all three leaks have occurred while films featuring Hudgens were playing in theaters.  Despite being the victim, societal double-standards and Hudgens’ own status as a role model, should be enough to bring the blame for this incident squarely on the young starlet’s shoulders.

If You Rent 'High School Musical' Expecting To See Anything Like This, You're Going To Be Disappointed. A Lot.

Although they are few in number, Hudgens has her defenders, who point to her recent breakup with actor Zac Efron.  Supporters contend that the sudden absence from Hudgens’ life of such a juggernaut of testosterone-drenched heterosexual dynamism has affected both her judgement and libido.

Sometimes We Fear Zac Will Never Find The Right Girl.

Of course, the loudest voices will ring with scorn and derision.  Moralists will find much to condemn in these images, as will those who think the human body is a source of shame and sin.  But with the scandalous proliferation of internet nudie pix by such low-rent hags as Amber Portwood, isn’t it a bit of a nice change every now and then to see an attractive person naked?

Look--Your Best Shot Is To Go For 'Pretty On The Inside'--And We Have To Tell You, This Is Not Helping.

Your Permanent Record: A Really Big Deal

21 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture

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By Smaktakula

So much in life can hinge upon a single decision.  Once made, some choices come with attendant consequences which are difficult to foresee, but which can exert profound effects upon the whole of a person’s life.  These may be correct decisions, like choosing not to blow one’s unemployment check on lottery tickets again.  Sometimes they’re poor decisions, like torching an apartment complex.  For good or for ill, an individual’s permanent record is a partner for life.

What today’s youth tend to forget is that while a permanent record is built by the young, it must be carried by the old.  The information contained in a person’s permanent record can affect his career options and future earning potential, the type of friends and hobbies he will have, and even the attractiveness of his future mate.

We present the following cautionary example:

Perhaps This Isn't The Best Example. Still, Can You Imagine How Good His Life Would Be Right Now If He Didn't Have A Record?

Stay in school.  Stay out of trouble.  Don’t throw your life away.

Our permanent record,
Should you want to know,
Is pure and clean
Like the driven snow.
Burma Shave ∞T.

A Boy Named Kick Me

10 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture

≈ 5 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Dealt A Staggering Blow At Birth, Richard Swett Turned His Wheels Into The Skid And Embraced His Handicap.

Since the dawn of time, well-meaning parents have been giving their children ridiculous names.  From the celebrity who bestows the name Pomegranate upon her offspring to the fringy basement-dweller who names his kid Billy Ray Chewbacca, parents from all walks of life enjoy abusing their parental naming rights.

You're Right, This Doesn't Count. But It's Still Funny.

But some go too far.  Most people are by now familiar with the story of Heath and Deborah Campbell, who burdened their son with the name Adolf Hitler Campbell.  His sisters’ fate was worse.  Not only were they also given white supremacist names, but with the added inconvenience of non-traditional spelling and of being unpronounceable to boot: it’s a given that little JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will have some trouble on the playground.   Child Protective Services has placed the children in foster care, ostensibly on the grounds of their parents’ health.

In Fairness To Ma And Pa Kuntz, There Isn't A Whole Lot They Could Have Done.

While Der Campbellkinder may be safe in the warm and nurturing arms of the foster care system, thousands of children across the country are still with the demoniacal parents who precipitated this nomenclature-based abuse.  To see this, one has only to know that a handful of poor impulse control dads and enabling moms have stuck their brats with the name ESPN, in honor of the 24-hour cable sports network.

"Can I Tell You, Mom & Dad? Can I Tell You How Much I Hate You?"

Some Helpful Naming Tips:

  • Avoid naming your children after alcoholic beverages.  Weinhard and Jägermeister probably won’t think it’s as cute as you do.
  • Parents whose last name is a verb should exercise EXTREME caution when naming their daughters to avoid the many call girl/exotic dancer combinations.
  • Avoid creative spellings such as Kody, Ayden, Trevis and the like.  Your child is not a heavy metal band.
  • Only name your daughter “Chastity” if you’re a fan of irony.
Smaktakula is a family name!