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Tag Archives: celebriskanks

Sad Thoughts: Remunerative Inequality

15 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

alcohol, bad decisions, Beer Goggles, celebriskanks, life is a cruel bitch sometimes, poor impulse control, reality television, schadenfreude, unlike your 15 minutes of fame a child lasts forever, wasted life, white trash, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Bummer: The wayward strumpets on MTV’s Teen Mom get paid a lot more than you do.

This Child Is A Living Testament That, Given Enough Liquor, A Man Will Hump Just About Anything.

“Have you met my kids?  The older boy’s named Beer Goggles and this is my daughter, Regretta.  The little one’s Cody.”

Schadenfreuderiffic! At least she’s going to jail! ∞ T.

A Modern Zen Koan: Reality Skanks

01 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

16 and Pregnant, Amber Portwood, Buddhism, celebriskanks, choking the chicken, devil's handshake, famous for nothing, flogging the dolphin, Leah Messer, masturbation, metaphysics, philosophy, scratching the weasel behind the ears, skanks, Teen Mom, the Clapper, the sound of one hand clapping, Zen koan

By Smaktakula

Nothing But A Euphemism For Touching Yourself.

The koan has been an essential part of the Buddhist arsenal for about fifteen centuries. These philosophical questions, the answers to which can only be reached by non-rational thinking–if at all, are designed not to test knowledge, but to put the listener  in the proper frame of mind to reach enlightenment. Among the better known koans are “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” and “What did your face look like before your father was born?”

It Sounds Like Your Lights Aren't Coming On.

In an effort to bring this philosophical discipline into the twenty-first century, Promethean Times has devised a koan which meets with Buddhism’s intellectual strictures, but is also throughly modern. Our question takes its subject matter not from the stuffy realms of philosophy or metaphysics, but from the full-color world of reality TV.

We Can Name Two Things That Make You Less Attractive.

Our koan is this: Between Amber Portwood and Leah Messer, two stars of MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, who is more representative of human dignity, propriety and decency?

The Real Puzzle Is That, To Get On '16 and Pregnant,' A Man Must Have Been Willing To Lie Down With You.

Reality Skank ‘Devastated’ By Nudie Pix

28 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Amber Portwood, As Seen On TV, celebriskanks, famous for nothing, foolish choices, horrifying images, hussies, internet pornography, reality television, Roseanne Barr, skanks, Teen Mom, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, untalented stars, viral, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

Is There A Red-Blooded Male Out There Who HASN'T Asked Himself At Least Once, "What Would That Thing Look Like Naked?"

Overpaid hussy Amber Portwood is said to be ‘devastated’ by the recent release of several compromising pictures, which have rapidly gone viral.  The untalented reality star claims that the nude photos, which she labels “non-sexual,” were stolen from her phone by a trusted friend.

In this instance, feelings of pity for Ms. Portwood can be forgiven.  It is no doubt painful that she has not been compensated for these tasteful portraits, and that potentially millions of curiosity-seekers will “enjoy” her lackluster physique for no more than the cost of an internet connection, or in some cases, a library card.

Moreover, Portwood’s claim that the pictures are non-sexual is strengthened by the photographic evidence.  After viewing the images, it’s difficult to imagine that even the most maladjusted window-peeper could be aroused by these photos.

By The Time Amber Mounts Her 'Comeback' As A Porno Oddity, That Tattoo Will Look Even More Like Rosanne Barr Than It Already Does.

Given that a boob job is pretty much an eventuality for Portwood, we’re curious as to why she didn’t wait to take these pictures until she’d undergone the procedure, and in doing so avoid looking like a nine-year-old boy. ∞T.

Grand Theft LiLo

10 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

baby daddy, Bill Clinton, California, celebriskanks, Celebrity Death Watch, completely preventable deaths, Crime, drugs, Flower of American Skankhood, grand theft, implosion, legal issues, LiLo, LiLophiles, Lindsay Lohan, Lohan arrested, lost girls, Marilyn Monroe, skankery, skanks, theft, tweakers, untalented stars, Venice

By Smaktakula

Isn't This The Chick Who Accosted Us Outside Of 7-11 And Wouldn't Shut Up About Her "Tweaker Piece Of Shit Baby Daddy" Until We Gave Her A Quarter?

The date for Lindsay Lohan’s final, pathetic implosion remains unknown, but draws inexorably closer.  Throughout her short life, the Flower of American Skankhood has faced a number of legal difficulties both domestically and abroad, but can now add a new charge to her growing rap sheet: grand theft.

LiLo is accused of boosting a $2,500 necklace from a California Jewelry store in January, less than a month after ending her most recent rehab stay.  Although the sticky-fingered celebriskank had not heretofore been charged with theft, she is suspected in several recent clothing-related heists.

Having snorted the bulk of her dwindling resources, Lohan may not be able to enlist the services of a top-flight lawyer, and it’s unlikely that she’ll receive a helping hand from Hollywood with her star so rapidly on the wane.  However, some LiLophiles see a silver lining in the event that Lohan is compelled to do jail time.  Every day that the drug-addled has-been spends behind bars is another day that she cheats the untimely and degrading death which awaits her.

Unlike Marilyn Monroe, LiLo Lacks Talent And Has Never Banged A President. Although One Of Those Is Within Lindsay's Reach, Bill Clinton Will Never Be Able To Make Her Talented.

Paris Hilton Ja-Banned

23 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

anti-skank bigotry, bigotry, celebriskanks, cocaine, drugs, famous for nothing, Free Tibet!, Gaijin Skank!, Hilton Hotels, Ja-Ban, Japan, Japanese economy, Japanese immigration policy, Land of the Rising Sun, Las Vegas, Nevada, Paris Hilton, persona non grata, skankery, skankism, skanks, skonks, untalented stars, We're aware that the captivity of Tibet has fuck all to do with Japan, well-known whores

By Smaktakula

Japan can now include itself among the growing list of nations officially discriminating against skanks.  The Land of the Rising Sun has gone dark for strumpets: Paris Hilton is persona non grata in Japan.

In Much The Same Way As It Did Throughout Asia 75 Years Ago, This Symbol Strikes Fear In The Hearts Of Skanks Across The Globe.

Representatives of Japan’s immigration service claim that Hilton’s ban is a result of her recent guilty plea to cocaine possession in Las Vegas.  These officials are quick to point out that their decision to impose a Ja-Ban on Hilton was not only appropriate, but required by Japanese law.

However, pro-skank activists (skanktivists) contend that the law is a smokescreen which allows Japan legal sanction to carry out its anti-skank agenda.

“We’re trying to tell the world what’s going on in Japan,” says ‘Cody,’ a skonk who declined to give his real name, “The amount of ignorance on the part of the public is really disturbing.  We’re educating people, but at the same time putting pressure on Japan to not only turn away from its growing culture of skankism, but also calling on the Japanese Government to free Tibet.”

Paris, What The Hell Are You Doing? Oh. Ha Ha, No. When We Said 'Blow' We Meant Cocaine. Heh. But Thanks. No, Really--We're Good.

An immigration official was asked in light of Hilton’s Ja-Ban, whether her family’s hotel chain would also be forced out of the country.  The official replied:

“A question both so ridiculous and inane shames not only the speaker, but also those unfortunate enough to hear it.  Having said that, the Hilton Chain is a small, but important part of the Japanese economy–over three million people spend the night in Hilton Hotels every year.  Even in a good year Ms. Hilton might service only half that many.”

Paris, an innocent pawn in a game much bigger than herself, was typically upbeat when informed that she would not be allowed into Japan: “I’m going back home, and I look forward to coming back to Japan in the future,” she said.

Like Fuck You Will, Gaijin Skank!

Skanks In The Crosshairs, Part II: The War To End All Whores

27 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Human Rights, Justice, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Satire, Social Networking

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, celebriskanks, childish sexual innuendo, David Gregory, did you see that thing about herpes--she really is a slut, Hobegon, Horn Dog Deomocrats, Joe Biden, John McCain, Meet The Press, Nicole Polizzi, Obama Administration, Obama's war on skanks, PPD 24601, President Obama, Presidential Policy Directive, pro-skank Democrats, Robert Gibbs, Sir Let Us Tan!, skankery, skankism, skanks, skin cancer, skonks, Snooki, Snooki's arrest, tanning, the beach ball problem at Chavez Ravine, United States of America, untalented stars, Vice President Biden, what IS the singular of Cheetos?

By Smaktakula

After issuing a string of denials over the past several weeks, the White House abruptly reversed itself yesterday, admitting the existence of Presidential Policy Directive 24601.  This admission ends the mounting speculation regarding the anti-skank directive, dubbed ‘Hobegon‘ by some in the press.  The White House claims that Hobegon codifies America’s foreign and domestic policy with regard to skanks.  It does that, and more: PPD 24601 is nothing less than a declaration of war on hos.

"Let Me Be Clear: I See An America--One That Can Only Be Achieved By Rising Above Partisan Rhetoric And Red-State/Blue-State Name Calling--An America Once Again Setting An Example For Other Nations By Helping To Create--Not Only For Our Children And The World's Children, But Also The Many Children Yet Unborn--A World That Is Free Of Skanks."

“This is something about which the President feels very strongly,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said in a press conference this morning.  “He has two daughters of his own, and like so many American parents right now, he’s concerned about the type of world that little Sasha and Malia will find waiting for them when they grow up.”

This sudden admission surprised most political observers, and apparently some within the Executive Circle.  Last Sunday on Meet The Press, the Vice-President said, “If there is {the secret Hobegon document}, they sure haven’t shown it to Joe Biden.”  He went on to add, “I mean, who doesn’t like tramps, am I right?” at which point the Vice-President attempted to high-five David Gregory.  Biden apologized for the comments just a few hours later after meeting privately with the President.  What the Vice-President was denying less than a week ago is now official US policy.

The impetus for the Administration’s abrupt about-face appears to be a series of events which drove the media into such a speculative frenzy that it became necessary to make some details of the secret directive public.  One of the events which set this chain in motion were widely publicized comments made by reality tv grotesquery Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi.  The celebriskank fired a volley across the Administration’s bow when she said,   “I don’t go tanning anymore, because Obama put a 10 percent tax on tanning, and I feel he did that intentionally for us.”

Largely derided at the time, the enigmatic Snooki now appears to be something of a Cassandra.  Even her foes are beginning to wonder if the talking party ball is shrewder than she appears, given that anti-tanning initiatives are part of Obama’s War on Skanks.  Snooki went on to note that Obama’s 2008 Rival John McCain would not have applied the tax, “Because he’s pale and would probably want to be tan.”

Unlike Virtually Every Other Political Position Which He Has Taken Over The Years, Senator McCain's Staunch Support Of Skanks Has Never Wavered.

McCain’s unfortunate history of skin cancer aside, this insight is trenchant.  The Arizona Republican has long been staunchly, if quietly, pro-skank.   Throughout the 20th Century, support for ladies of easy virtue blurred party lines, but since the 2000 presidential election has become increasingly divided among partisan lines, with Republicans generally opposing anti-skank legislation.   Bill Clinton was the last pro-skank Democrat to hold a statewide office or higher.  The promising young cadre of pro-skank Democrats (“Horn Dog Democrats”) who swept into office with Clinton in 1992 are long gone.

Initially the White House attempted to shrug off Snooki’s charges, labelling them, “Laughable” and “Not worth dignifying.”  However, as with so many Washington scandals, the further the administration tried to distance themselves from it, the more tenaciously the rumors clung.

The situation reached critical mass when Snooki was arrested on July 30th.  Wearing a T-Shirt which read SLUT (Sir, Let Us Tan!) in protest of the effort to tax tanning beyond the means of the average tramp, which she calls skankist, Snooki was seen being led away by police.  The official account claims that the plump strumpet was drunk and out of control.

Dodger Stadium Security Removes Another Beach Ball From The Field.

Not so, counters Snooki:

“Oh. My. God.  Oh my God, I can’t believe they said that.  That’s–I’ma fucking sue them, I swear to God I will–That’s such a lie!  Can I tell you?  Can I tell you how much of a fucking lie that is?  That is not true.  Anybody who knows me–my good friends who know me, not the haters–knows that is just not true.”

“I’m a political prisoner.  They’re trying to shut me up.”

The Political Cost Of Looking Like A Soggy Cheeto.

Since then, Skanks have been notable for their absence.  “Laying low,” was how one observer termed it.  Because of summer reruns and the ubiquity of archived material on the internet, the American public has so far not been greatly affected by the self-imposed Skankout.  It has been pointed out that had this Skankout occurred during the school year, its presence might have been felt more profoundly in a reduction in the number of hot female teachers sleeping with their seventh-grade students.

But because those people passionate about skank rights would not be silenced, the ensuing e-storm would force the beleaguered administration to admit the existence of PPD 24601.   President Obama promised the nation that “further details will be will be made available in the coming days.”

Coming Soon: GO HO GO!

Skanks In The Crosshairs, Part I: Twilight Of The Strumpets

25 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Justice, Music, National Events, North America, People, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

21st Century, AIDS, American Freedoms, anti-skank bigotry, Barack Obama, bigotry, Brazil, Britney Spears, Canada, celebriskanks, China, Co-Ed Sex Tryouts, crazy bald Britney, death by stoning, Europe, Flower of American Skankhood, Girls Gone Wild, India, intolerance, Joe Francis, Kim Kardashian, Lawrence Fishburne, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, man-skanks, Mary Kay Letourneau, Montana Fishburne, Nicole Ritchie, Obama Administration, Obama's war on skanks, Paris Hilton, prudery, sex tape, Sexual Revolution, Shannon Elizabeth, skankery, skankism, skanks, skonkery, skonks, straight-to-DVD, Tara Reid, Thailand, United States of America, Vili Fualaau

By Smaktakula

Flower of American Skankhood: LiLo Mimes Fellatio For An Approving Audience.

The 21st Century promises to be a cold one for women of easy virtue.  Harlots, hos, sluts, wayward girls, hussies (both brazen and wanton), tramps, Run-Around Sues, bad girls, seductresses, chickenheads, homewreckers, libertines, gold diggers, skanks, loose women, hose-monsters, skeezers, camp tramps, tarts, women of ill repute and those of low moral fibre, free love enthusiasts, Sybarites, Jezebels, bimbos, wenches bawdy and tawdry, fuck buddies, the wrong sort, your friend’s cousin Sarah with the lazy eye, floozies, Lolitas, cougars, girls who you know, groupies, mattress backs, sure things, women named for places or emotions, hootchies, friends with benefits, supafreaks, poxy lasses, demimondes, succubi, skags, slags, vamps, the girl your mother warned you about and even the occasional adulteress have suddenly found themselves very much alone.

The Hard Part Isn't Someday Telling Your Children That You Participated In The Girls Gone Wild Co-Ed Sex Tryouts; It's Telling Them You Were Voted MVP Three Years Running.

It wasn’t always like this. Not so long ago tramps were a beloved, if not respected, part of the national social fabric.  During the Sexual Revolution, strumpetry gained such a seemingly intractable foothold within Western culture that it appeared nothing–not even the AIDS virus–could stop it.

Forty short years later the world is a very different place.  Awash in a wave of anti-skank sentiment, many countries are taking extreme measures to eliminate skankery altogether.  India’s reputation for anti-skank bigotry–or skankism— is well-deserved.  But the world hears little about skank repression in countries like China, where it is rumored that hos are forced to live in squalid re-education centers; or Iran, where strumpetry is punishable by stoning in some cases.

Today the United States and Canada, Eastern Europe and Thailand, are the last bastions of skankery.  But even in these once-safe havens, it appears time is running out.  In the United States, skankhood–long considered a cherished freedom by Americans–is facing a relentless attack.

FACT: How You View This Relationship Depends Upon Your Gender.

Not long ago, lifting up your shirt for a sweaty asshole with a camera would net you a shitty T-Shirt and enough self-loathing to last a lifetime.  Now you only get the shame.

Circa 2006, a strategically released sex-tape was the best shot at success for moderately-to-very attractive but talentless ‘actresses.’  One has only to remember the meteoric rise to vacuous stardom of Hilton and Kim Kardashian after their sex tapes were released.  But times have changed.  Recently, when tiresome jackass Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter Montana attempted to gain publicity for her own intentionally released sex tape, she was given the cold shoulder by the press.  The media sources all cited the usual reasons for the snub–questionable values, poor production and a complete lack of interest from the public due to Montana’s negligible body of work, etc.–but many feel that skankism is the cause.

Every Time Smaktakula Has Been In Paris He Has Quickly Regretted The Experience: It is Filthy, Pungent And Remarkable For Its Lack Of Native English-Speakers.

Skank arrests in the United States have more than quadrupled in the last few years.  Among the more high-profile busts are such celebriskanks as Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, or skank males–better known as skonks, such as oily pornographer, Joe Francis.  Fearing for their safety, many skanks have gone underground.  Others, such as actresses Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Shannon Elizabeth have pledged only to appear in  no-budget straight-to-DVD productions until they are destigmatized.  Britney Spears famously cut off her hair in protest.

Sorry Britney: Folks Just Aren't That Into Crazy Bald Chicks. Elton John Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.

Will strumpets, tramps and hos become a nostalgic relic of yesteryear America, like the mighty buffalo which once covered the Great Plains?  If the Obama Administration gets its way, the answer is yes.  The Obama Administration has made it a top priority to end Skankism in the United States by 2024, with a broader goal of stamping out skankism world-wide by 2040.

Coming Soon: Obama v. Snooki

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