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Tag Archives: career opportunities

Career Opportunities: Carny

19 Saturday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

career opportunities, carnies, carnivals, carny, Charles Bukowski, Code of the Carnies, creepy subcultures, Hey Rube!, meth, methamphetamine, Rohypnol, roofies, serial killers, the midway, traveling folk, William Faulkner, you got a real purty mouth

Originally Posted September 15, 2010

By Smaktakula

Just ‘Cause You Didn’t Finish High School An’ Ain’t Got But Four Teeth In Your Mouth An’ One Uh Them Not Worth Uh Damn Nohow Don’t Mean You Can’t Live Uh Fulfilling Life Amongst The Traveling Folk.

There are those unique individuals who dread the notion of riding a desk until retirement, who long to work not in a stuffy cubicle, but under God’s own sky, and who chafe against the constricting mores of traditional society.  For those willing to do whatever it takes to find it, there is still a place for the truly free man among the traveling folk of the carnival.

Every day, a growing number of Americans are eschewing a staid and plastic life of comfort and safety, instead casting their lot among the fringy legions of  that uniquely American bottom-feeder, the carny.  A carny is free to pursue his own dreams, be they the simple aspiration to drink turpentine until the onset of blindness, or more dramatic expressions of individuality, such as marrying a she-goat.  The carnival doesn’t judge.

Effete College Boys Read William Faulkner And Charles Bukowski, But Carnies Live The Life.

Not just any sketchy drifter with a rap sheet and a love for Night Train can be a Merlin of the Midway–it takes a special commitment.  Much like a monk who joins an order, the carny life is a world unto itself.

Everyone On The Midway Has His Own Story; The Carnival Is Haunted By Tales. Curiously, They All Begin And End With Methamphetamine.

Career Opportunities: Pet Psychologist

21 Thursday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

"The Man", animals, Brazil, career opportunities, carnivals, diploma mills, do-nothing jobs, existential crisis, fake jobs, lucrative jobs, pet psychologist, pets, plant psychologist, Sao Paulo, sinecures, United Nations, wealthy people

By Smaktakula

The Doctor-Patient Privacy Privilege Is Special: Bandit Will Never Reveal Your Secrets.

With millions of Americans out of work, Promethean Times has endeavored valiantly to help displaced men and women reenter the workplace.  In previous installments we’ve discussed positions within the carnival industry as well as exciting opportunities to work with nonexistent extraterrestrials at the United Nations.

But what about those individuals who desire a higher income, but are poorly suited to the grueling physical labor and fringy existence of the carnival life, and who can’t stomach the UN’s byzantine layers of bureaucracy?  The only occupation that will satisfy these criteria is a fake job.

"If It Weren't For Stupid People, I'd Be A High School Civics Teacher Right Now."

Enter the pet psychologist.  This phony career stands head and shoulders above other forms of legal con artistry in that it has the appearance of a real job, having gained in social acceptance during the last few decades.  There are already thousands of people just like you–reasonably intelligent and charming, but too jaded to ever work for “the man”–who are converting the displaced anxieties of high-income social climbers with more money than time or brains into an otherwise insupportable lifestyle.

There are many wonderful aspects to this non-job.  Chief among them is the ridiculous amount of money that an affable pet psychologist can demand from his patients’ human companions.  Those with a queasy conscience can console themselves with the fact that only the obscenely wealthy would ever think to employ a pet psychologist in the first place.

I'm Afraid That Rex Has Deep-Seated Emotional Issues Dating Back To His Days In The Litter. I Can Help Him, But It Will Take Time. Time's Up For Today. That'll Be $225, Please.

After remuneration, another encouraging aspect of the pet psychology field is results–you don’t need any; the efficacy of the treatment given is a secondary issue at best.  Given that animals can’t communicate, the wealthy owners don’t need to know that you spent Fifi’s entire session chatting with underage boys from São Paulo; the dog will keep your secret.

Most of the people paying for your meals won’t really be interested in results.  If Casper is still suicidal after a plethora of expensive sessions and weekend doggie retreats, well, Doc–you did your best.  These people can take or leave results; the important thing is that they are seen to be making an effort.

Pet Psychologists Have The Freedom To Devise Their Own Methods Of Treatment.

Although there are no hard and fast rules governing this exciting and fast-growing industry, it will help to have a degree.  If you’re one of the millions of people who thinks you don’t have time to earn a four-year degree, you can relax; you’re right.  You simply need a degree, not the education that comes with it.  There are several fine online diploma mills from which to choose.  A bachelor’s, master’s or even a doctorate degree can be yours for only a few hundred dollars and little or no tedious instruction.

Equipped with no more than an eighth-grade education and a bucketful of chutzpah, you’re sure to be a rousing success as an animal shrink.  And if the pace of the industry proves too hectic for you, there’s always the exciting and even less-demanding world of plant psychology.

Mittens' Problems Are Existential, Mrs. Wellington. I Think A Five-Day Self-Esteem Retreat In The Hamptons Will Work Wonders.

Career Opportunities: United Nation Office For Outer Space Affairs

15 Friday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Politics, Science, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

aliens, career opportunities, corruption, crazy people, diplomacy, graft, insanity, it came from outer space, make-work projects, Mazlan Othman, ridiculous ideas, Ufologists, United Nations, United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs, wasting money

By Smaktakula

Mazlan Othman heads the United Nation Office for Outer Space Affairs.  Despite recently published rumors, Othman said her office will not be acting as diplomats in the event Earth is visited by extra-terrestrial life.

"Thanks UN, For Bringing Meaning To My Pathetic Existence."

Given that the UNOOSA has eliminated diplomacy from its purview, a job with this agency can be very lucrative and undemanding.  In an organization already famous for its corruption and ineffectiveness, the UNOOSA offers an unequalled opportunity for both.

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