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Tag Archives: serial killers

Career Opportunities: Carny

19 Saturday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

career opportunities, carnies, carnivals, carny, Charles Bukowski, Code of the Carnies, creepy subcultures, Hey Rube!, meth, methamphetamine, Rohypnol, roofies, serial killers, the midway, traveling folk, William Faulkner, you got a real purty mouth

Originally Posted September 15, 2010

By Smaktakula

Just ‘Cause You Didn’t Finish High School An’ Ain’t Got But Four Teeth In Your Mouth An’ One Uh Them Not Worth Uh Damn Nohow Don’t Mean You Can’t Live Uh Fulfilling Life Amongst The Traveling Folk.

There are those unique individuals who dread the notion of riding a desk until retirement, who long to work not in a stuffy cubicle, but under God’s own sky, and who chafe against the constricting mores of traditional society.  For those willing to do whatever it takes to find it, there is still a place for the truly free man among the traveling folk of the carnival.

Every day, a growing number of Americans are eschewing a staid and plastic life of comfort and safety, instead casting their lot among the fringy legions of  that uniquely American bottom-feeder, the carny.  A carny is free to pursue his own dreams, be they the simple aspiration to drink turpentine until the onset of blindness, or more dramatic expressions of individuality, such as marrying a she-goat.  The carnival doesn’t judge.

Effete College Boys Read William Faulkner And Charles Bukowski, But Carnies Live The Life.

Not just any sketchy drifter with a rap sheet and a love for Night Train can be a Merlin of the Midway–it takes a special commitment.  Much like a monk who joins an order, the carny life is a world unto itself.

Everyone On The Midway Has His Own Story; The Carnival Is Haunted By Tales. Curiously, They All Begin And End With Methamphetamine.

White People

09 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Culture

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

'Lil Klansman, Asians, Barack Obama, caucasians, Dockers, hate groups, Hernan Cortes, Jeff Foxworthy, Jeffrey Dahmer, KKK, Klansman, Ku Klux Klan, Mt. Everest, serial killers, Sir Edmund Hillary, Tenzing Norgay, the stupid things white people do to their hair, white man's overbite, white people, whitey

By Smaktakula

For Whitey, By Whitey.

Weird Family Photo - WTF

Caucasians Tend To Have Higher Incidences Of The So-Called ‘Dork Gene’ Than The Other Races, Although In This They Are Followed Closely By Asians.

With A Few Notable Exceptions, The Premier Spleen-Eating Nutjobs Have All Been White.

Honestly, White People Don’t Think He’s Funny Either. They Just Pretend To Because It Annoys You.

For Many Years, It Was Considered A Lock That A White Dude Would Win The Presidency.

Whatever. Do We Give You A Hard Time About Putting Salsa On Everything?

Worst Case Scenario: He Gets A Ticket.

White Man’s Overbite: Why Fair-Skinned Dudes Should Not Dance (This Applies To Straight Men Only–You Do Your Thing, Girlfriend).

Despite The Diluting Tendencies Of Multiculturalism, Some Fashions Remain Distinctively White.

“It’s True That Sir Edmund Hillary–A White Man–Was The FIrst To Reach The Top Of Mt. Everest. I Should Know; I Was There.”

Much Like The Futuristic Do-Gooders Of Star Trek, White People Have Always Endeavored To Be Respectful Of Indigenous Cultures.

It’s Never To Early To Instill A Sense Of Community Spirit In Your Child.

“Whitey 4 Life, Yo!”

New Mexico Governor Mulls Pardon Of Legendary Mass Murderer

27 Monday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, History, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

beard-based ethnic pandering, Ben Hur, Billy the Kid, David Berkowitz, Emilio Estevez, Governor Bill Richardson, Henry McCarty, Hillary Clinton, Latinos, Lew Wallace, Manson Family, mass murderers, mullets, New Mexico, New Mexico Territory, Pat Garrett, Richard Speck, serial killers, Son of Sam, there's a NEW Mexico?, treachery, Typhoid Mary, William Blaine Richardson III, William H. Bonney

By Smaktakula

It's A Bringdown To Discover That Billy Looks Less Like Emilio And More Like The Kid Who Used To Sell Joints Out Of His Locker In Junior High.

New Mexico governor Bill Richardson, best known both for parlaying the backstabbing of Hillary Clinton into a cabinet nomination from which he was forced to withdraw as well as for growing a beard to remind potential voters that he was Latino,* has decided to run out the clock on his term in office with a bit of asinine frivolity.  Richardson is mulling a pardon of notorious outlaw Henry McCarty, also known as William Bonney, but known to posterity as Billy the Kid.

The story goes that Lew Wallace, the then-governor of the New Mexico Territory (and future author of Ben Hur) offered clemency to the Kid.  True or not, Billy went on to gun down a few more folks before hooking up with his pal Pat Garrett one last time.

Next For Bill Richardson: Reconsidering Typhoid Mary

Some say it’s a bad precedent to pardon a guy whose body count (over 20 according to legend, but probably somewhere closer to 10) puts him in the same league as Richard Speck, David “Son of Sam” Berkowitz and the Manson Family.  Others contend that a pardon will allow Billy’s restless spirit to go on to its heavenly reward.

This episode begs the following questions:

  1. Has Richardson so neatly solved New Mexico’s myriad ills that he can engage in an ill-advised publicity pardon of a mass-murder/serial killer 130 years dead?
  2. Isn’t there someone in a New Mexico jail right now who not only would grateful for a pardon, but also didn’t kill a bunch of people?
  3. There’s a New Mexico?

Most People Don't Know That It Was Billy's Mullet That Finally Make Pat Garrett Haul Off And Shoot Him.

*In fairness, William Blaine Richardson III did spend much of his childhood in Mexico.

Super-Intelligent Stalker Sharks Plotting Bloody ‘Dorsal Dawn’

08 Thursday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Critters, General Foolishness, Humor

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Dan Aykroyd, dangerous sharks, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Dorsal Dawn, great white shark, Jaws, landshark, Peter Benchley, serial killers, stalking kayakers

By Smaktakula

Recent discoveries have confirmed scientists’ long-standing fears regarding the dangers sharks pose to humanity.  Evidence from this research suggests that the threat of shark-on-human violence has never been more prevalent than it is today.  Several disturbing trends point to not only an increase in anti-human behavior, but also evidence of a of sophistication and coordination among the shark community far more advanced than what scientists had previously believed.

He May Look Cuddly, But In Reality He Is A Killing Machine.

The popular image of sharks in the public’s conciousness has undergone many transformations in the nearly forty years since Peter Benchley’s Jaws was first published.  Originally poorly-understood as mysterious and perhaps even supernatural sea monsters, sharks began to be seen as soulless eating machines in the wake of Benchley’s thriller and the Stephen Spielberg-helmed film it inspired.

More recently, led by shark apologists such as Benchley himself, the public perception of these creatures has softened, now depicting these blood-maddened killers as complex alpha-predators, the shark being not a monster to be dreaded, but a necessary spoke in the great wheel of life.

For years, critics have charged that this approach was naive and even dangerous.  Science may have bourne them out.    Recent film evidence shows sharks have begun stalking kayakers.  Even more chilling is the observation by scientists in South Africa that sharks select their prey in a manner similar to that of human serial killers.

A recently discovered photo may be the tipping point in the public consciousness, the final insult which will force humanity to stand up and take notice of the oncoming threat.  The photo appears to show some sort of terrestrial shark–or landshark–preparing to devour former celebrity and current Canadian Dan Aykroyd:

Candygram!

Until recently, the sharks have been content to take humans in ones and twos.  Incontrovertible evidence shows that their attacks are becoming more bold, and that sharks show increasing signs that they are set to rise up in a united show of force.  Humanity’s bloody reckoning increasingly seems like a when, and not an if.

Humanity has the numbers; it’s not yet too late to stem the tide of the sharks’ toothy advance.  However, only when the world reaches a fever-pitch shark hysteria as it did in the weeks following the premier of Jaws, will society be taking this threat for what it is worth.  The longer this awakening is delayed, the smaller the chance that humanity will be ready for the Dorsal Dawn.

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