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Tag Archives: corruption

Headlines 06.27.11

27 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, Music, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

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Tags

Americans of Singularity Descent, Amy Winehouse, Ayman al-Zawahiri, bad parents, bilingual, black holes, Chicago, corruption, death by drunk driving, dictators, flash mob, Frank McCourt, gender issues, headlines, human feces, Jackass, Julia Sweeney, Keith Richards, Libya, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mexican drug cartel, Minot, NATO, New Jersey, Newt Gingrich, North Dakota, playground beatings, Ryan Dunn, San Francisco Giants, Snooki, Spelling Bee, thanks a lot mom, untouchables, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

Because who has time to read the articles, right?

One Of The Few Periodicals To Meet Our Exacting Journalistic Standards.

Parents keep child’s gender secret ~ Regardless of the creature’s gender, it’s destined to grow up to be a smug, self-righteous fucknugget like Mom & Dad.

“Thanks A Lot, Mom And Dad!”

The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.

‘I shot the cruellest dictator in the Americas ~ “But I did not shoot the deputy cruellest dictator in the Americas.”

Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could prevent the inevitable playground beatings.

Is Frank McCourt really the worst owner in baseball? ~ Does Ayman al-Zawahiri still own a controlling interest in the San Francisco Giants?  Otherwise it’s Frank, hands down.

His Palatial Home Is Built Entirely From The Bones Of Kittens.

Death of 91-year-old spotlights line between care and killing ~ And, at 91, plain old bad luck.

Gingrich campaign hit by defections ~ We would like this a lot better if Newt were hit with ‘defecation.’

Ancient sea turtle discovered in N.J. ~ Sorry to get the scientists so hot & bothered for a false alarm, but you knew all that fake tanning would catch up to Snooki eventually.

If You’ve Never Gotten Really Drunk And Then Humped A Bright Orange Beach Ball, You Aren’t In A Position To Judge.

Love thy neighbor: Son’s killer moves next door ~ Find out what happens when people stop being polite…and start getting real.  Thursdays at 10 PM on MTV.

Mexican cartels now using tanks ~ The world must act now before cartel scientists manage to create or steal enough fissionable material to create la bomba de gran tamaño.

Chicago Police Brace for ‘Flash Mob’ Attack ~Not to worry–the mob owns Chicago PD.

With A Combined Weight Of 678 Pounds And Only One Mustache Between Them, It Takes Four Untouchables To Equal One Modern-Day Chicago Cop.

Murdered woman recorded fight with husband before death ~ When you marry a woman who’s smarter than you are, you’re just asking for trouble.  

Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’

NATO strike kills 15 Libyan civilians ~Considering Lockerbie, the Libyan people still owe the free world about 245 souls, give or take.

Black holes abound in early universe ~ We thought the world had moved past all this racist nonsense.

Amy Winehouse added to the list of biggest boos ~ Because, heaven knows, she’s not gonna make the list for ‘biggest boobs.’

It’s A Given That You Won’t Go Back To Rehab, No, No, No. But If We Paid For A Boob Job, Would You Go, Go, Go?

Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards ‘put his teeth back in with superglue’  ~ Then what happened?

4000 Minot homes to be swamped by day’s end ~ Dear God!  Our sense of what is normal and right has been turned on its head.  We had no clue that more than 150 people lived in Minot, North Dakota.    

                                                 

Friend remembers Ryan Dunn’s last moments ~ Really?  Because it seems like those last moments were the worst.

“Someday The Mountain Might Get Me,” Dunn Told Perplexed Friends In The Days Before The ‘Accident,’ Swearing, “But The Law Never Will.”

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Career Opportunities: United Nation Office For Outer Space Affairs

15 Friday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Politics, Science, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

aliens, career opportunities, corruption, crazy people, diplomacy, graft, insanity, it came from outer space, make-work projects, Mazlan Othman, ridiculous ideas, Ufologists, United Nations, United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs, wasting money

By Smaktakula

Mazlan Othman heads the United Nation Office for Outer Space Affairs.  Despite recently published rumors, Othman said her office will not be acting as diplomats in the event Earth is visited by extra-terrestrial life.

"Thanks UN, For Bringing Meaning To My Pathetic Existence."

Given that the UNOOSA has eliminated diplomacy from its purview, a job with this agency can be very lucrative and undemanding.  In an organization already famous for its corruption and ineffectiveness, the UNOOSA offers an unequalled opportunity for both.

Se Necesita Ayuda: The Narco Wars

21 Tuesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

careers for Spanish-speakers, Ciudad Juarez, cocaine, corruption, death by bullet, drugs, illegal drugs, La Barbie, maquiladoras, Mexican Army, Mexican drug cartel, Mexican Government, Mexican jail, Mexican Police, Mexico, narco war, narcos, narcotics industry, professions with low life expectancy, Se Necesita Ayuda, Señoritas, smuggling, War on Drugs

By Smaktakula

Narco, Soldier Or Cop: A License To Kill Is Just One Of The Perks. Señoritas And Cocaine Are Two More.

A dismal job market is forcing employment-seekers to think creatively, possibly pursuing previously unconsidered revenue sources.  Some enterprising souls are reversing a decades-old trend, and leaving the United States to seek work in Mexico, particularly along the lawless border region.

Ciudad Juarez: You Will Never Find A More Wretched Hive Of Scum And Villainy.

Most new arrivals to Mexico’s border towns discover what the old timers already know: working in a maquiladora sucks ass.  Six days of life-numbing factory work per week at a parakeet’s pay is enough to make anyone dream of a better life.

Thanks to the regular bloodletting across Northern Mexico, young men have another option.* Jobs on all sides of Mexico’s ongoing narco-war are plentiful, due to rapid turnover and increasing demand both for drugs and for a continuance of the senseless conflict.

Yeah, We Thought La Barbie Would Do A Little Better For Himself, Too. Still, It Still Beats The Kind Of Tail He Can Expect To Get In A Mexican Jail.

Career options within this fast-growing industry are varied.  But for candidates not averse to mayhem and risk and who speak fluent Spanish, a fast life awaits among the blood and dust . 

Currently, the most popular choice is narco.  Although there is little job security, and the initial pay is a pittance, a good narco can rise quickly.  Many find the toil worth it–seasoned gunmen often have more cash, coke and señoritas than they can spend, snort or fuck in their typically truncated lifetimes.

There are any number of organizations to join, but prospective applicants should choose their organization wisely.  A cartel which is in the decline or which has fallen into disfavor with the Mexican government is a poor choice.

Joining The Mexican Army Allows Young Men To Take A Leadership Role Within Their Own Communities.

One of the great advantages to working as a narco is that if you can stay alive long enough, you’re almost assured of rising to the top.  And it’s a position for life.

However, many young men are overlooking great opportunities in the Mexican Army or the police.  These jobs are thought to be mundane and unexciting, but this is largely untrue.  In addition to benefits and their regular pay, soldiers and police officers also have access to women and drugs, plus a license for nearly unlimited violence.  Long hours, paperwork and a tendency to be assassinated are among some of the headaches associated with these jobs.

Vaya Con Dios, Pendejo!

The Mexican Narco Wars are booming, and there’s never been a better time to get started in this exciting industry.  With America’s insistence that Mexico continue to play along in the War On Drugs, it’s only going to get hotter!

*Opportunities for women are still scarce at this time.  Women looking for work outside the maquiladoras may be forced to settle for narco girlfriend or corpse.  Probably both.

CNN Refuses To Forget About Ted Stevens

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, National Events, People, Politics, Scandal

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Tags

airplane, Alaska, CNN, corrupt politicians, corruption, death by airplane, former senator, not a big truck, obituary, plane crash, politicians, Republican Party, Senator Stevens, series of tubes, Ted Stevens, Ted Stevens is dead, untimely deaths

By Smaktakula

CNN’s piece, Former Sen. Ted Stevens Remembered, proves that even though the world has known of his death for a few hours now, he’s by no means forgotten.

Reportedly Very Pleased To Be Wrapped In The Warm Glow Of Nostalgia Accorded To The Recently Dead. He Would Appreciate If You Would Kindly Forget About The Corruption And Calling The Internet "A Series Of Tubes."

Corrupt Afghan Despot Has Hissyfit Over Capture Of Taliban BFF

17 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in International Relations, Justice, Middle East, Military, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

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Tags

Afghanistan, corrupt Afghan despot, corruption, Hamid Karzai, ingratitude, Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, Pakistan, Pakistani forces, secret meetings, Taliban, treachery, United States of America, US Intelligence

The election-rigging, opponent-intimidating, undemocratic yet American-backed president of Afghanistan is all wound up by the capture of Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar by Pakistani forces aided by US intelligence.   It was revealed that Karzai was engaging in secret talks with the high-ranking Taliban official.  After this incident, Karzai is afraid that the Taliban will forever regard him as a big jerk. 

Karzai: Hurt Feelings Resulted From The Capture Of The Enemy With Whom He Was Secretly Meeting

You knew Karzai was corrupt, but did you know he was a treacherous ingrate?  Well, read this anyway: Aide: Karzai ‘Very Angry’ at Taliban Boss’ Arrest – Afghanistan | Map | War – FOXNews.com.    

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