By Smaktakula

With millions of Americans out of work, Promethean Times has endeavored valiantly to help displaced men and women reenter the workplace.  In previous installments we’ve discussed positions within the carnival industry as well as exciting opportunities to work with nonexistent extraterrestrials at the United Nations.

But what about those individuals who desire a higher income, but are poorly suited to the grueling physical labor and fringy existence of the carnival life, and who can’t stomach the UN’s byzantine layers of bureaucracy?  The only occupation that will satisfy these criteria is a fake job.

Enter the pet psychologist.  This phony career stands head and shoulders above other forms of legal con artistry in that it has the appearance of a real job, having gained in social acceptance during the last few decades.  There are already thousands of people just like you–reasonably intelligent and charming, but too jaded to ever work for “the man”–who are converting the displaced anxieties of high-income social climbers with more money than time or brains into an otherwise insupportable lifestyle.

There are many wonderful aspects to this non-job.  Chief among them is the ridiculous amount of money that an affable pet psychologist can demand from his patients’ human companions.  Those with a queasy conscience can console themselves with the fact that only the obscenely wealthy would ever think to employ a pet psychologist in the first place.

After remuneration, another encouraging aspect of the pet psychology field is results–you don’t need any; the efficacy of the treatment given is a secondary issue at best.  Given that animals can’t communicate, the wealthy owners don’t need to know that you spent Fifi’s entire session chatting with underage boys from São Paulo; the dog will keep your secret.

Most of the people paying for your meals won’t really be interested in results.  If Casper is still suicidal after a plethora of expensive sessions and weekend doggie retreats, well, Doc–you did your best.  These people can take or leave results; the important thing is that they are seen to be making an effort.

Although there are no hard and fast rules governing this exciting and fast-growing industry, it will help to have a degree.  If you’re one of the millions of people who thinks you don’t have time to earn a four-year degree, you can relax; you’re right.  You simply need a degree, not the education that comes with it.  There are several fine online diploma mills from which to choose.  A bachelor’s, master’s or even a doctorate degree can be yours for only a few hundred dollars and little or no tedious instruction.

Equipped with no more than an eighth-grade education and a bucketful of chutzpah, you’re sure to be a rousing success as an animal shrink.  And if the pace of the industry proves too hectic for you, there’s always the exciting and even less-demanding world of plant psychology.