Tag Archives: death by fire

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Carpe Mortem

24 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Try To Think Of It Not As A Loss, But As An Opportunity.

After the death of a loved one, well-meaning friends and acquaintances will tell you, often in these very words, If there’s anything I can do, just let me know. Why not take them up on it? Certainly they wouldn’t have offered if they didn’t mean it, and will no doubt be overjoyed to help out.

Putting the technique into play!

"Cody, I'm So Sorry For Your Loss. If There's Anything I Can Do--Anything--Don't Hesitate To Ask."

"Hey, Thanks A Lot, Mr. Johnson. I Appreciate It. Since You Offered, Do You Mind If I Borrow Your Extra Car 'Till I Can Get Back On My Feet? That Would Be Really Awesome!"

"Oh, Yeah--My Car. Um, You See, Cody, The Thing About That Is..."

"I'm Sorry, Mr. Johnson--That Was Way Out Of Line, And I'm Sorry. I Was Just Thinking That 'Cause You Said I Should Ask If There Was Anything You Could Do, And 'Cause My Mom Got Burned To A Crisp In That Shoe-Factory Fire, That...No, Never Mind. Forget I Ever Brought It Up."

"..."

"How Long Do You Think You'll Need The Car?"

It’s a winner!

***

"Cody, I Was So Sorry To Hear About Your Mom. You Let Me Know If There's Anything I Can Do To Help."

"Heh."

Promethea Culpa Culpa: More Retractions

16 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

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By Tardsie

Occasionally, You May Read Something In These Pages That Just Isn't True.

Readers of Promethean Times know how very seriously we take our journalistic responsibility to keep the public informed. Throughout its nearly two-hundred years of publication, Promethean Times has striven to justify our readership’s trust by providing only the most accurate and thoroughly-vetted information. Although we have been exceptionally successful in this endeavor, we do from time to time make mistakes. It is vital to our mission that, when on those infrequent occasions when we do make mistakes, we correct them quickly.

***

See? It's Not Just Us.

Mickey Rooney does not have late-stage syphilis. A representative of the nonagenarian actor and insurance pitchman told Promethean Times that Rooney was healthy and that his nose has not ‘rotted away to a blackened stump’ as previously reported.

***

We extend a heartfelt and abject apology not only to the wife and infant daughter of Scoutmaster Daniel “Flip” Plevins and the parents of Billy Wilkins, Shane Green and Cody McPhereson, but to all of Cub Scout Pack 492 and to the intrepid park rangers who were first upon the grisly scene. Further, we apologize to any readers unknown to us who may have suffered injury after relying on erroneous information provided by this publication. We regret our error. As it turns out, grizzly bears are not, in fact, ‘more scared of you than you are of them.’

On The Plus Side, You've Gotten Your Nature Badge Out Of The Way.

The sound you hear when a spoon falls in the garbage disposal is NOT the wailing spirit of the child you aborted the summer after your sophomore year in college. In retrospect, saying so seems unnecessarily cruel.

"Why, Mommy? Why?"

Contrary to what was printed on this site, sprinkling your breakfast cereal with the finely ground toes of Irish babies will not cure leprosy.

***

We reported that a kitten frozen in a block of ice for a period of up to three months will revive if properly thawed. While this advice has proven to be cruelly incorrect, we submit that it was still a really cool notion.

But Don't Simply Take Our Word For It.

We were sorely off the mark when we told parents that flame-retardant toys would impair their children’s cognitive abilities. This is not the case. However, in our ongoing commitment to child safety, we urge parents to make sure that each of their children’s toys is clearly marked “INFLAMMABLE.’

***

Legalizing gay marriage will apparently not cause the universe to collapse in upon itself. Sorry, we thought it would.

If You Can Guarantee That You Won't Be There, We'll Take It.

Some previous retractions:

Promethea Culpa

74 Years Ago In Promethean Times: Sorry About Your Blimp, Hans

Protest Well Done

20 Thursday Jan 2011

Posted by in News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Long thought the exclusive purview of irksome Buddhist monks, the art of self-immolation has seen a recent resurgence in a region heretofore unknown for the incendiary form of protest–North Africa.  Self-immolation, in which a person sets himself afire,  is a uniquely modern form of protest in that it utilizes the power of the media like a gun, aiming not to explain grievances but to shock and horrify.

When Rage Against The Machine Created This Provocative Image For Their Album Cover, They Could Never Have Guessed It Would Happen In Real Life.

Recently, Egypt, Algeria and Mauritania have all seen acts of self-immolation, thought to have been sparked by events in Tunisia.  On December 17th, 2009, Mohamed Bouazizi burned himself to death, despondent about his ability to feed his family.  The riots which followed rocked Tunisia, ultimately leading to the government’s surprising implosion last week.

Some around the world are concerned that this ghastly trend will spread to other regions, perhaps reaching Europe where unrest over government austerity programs has brought tensions to a slow burn.  However, most social scientists agree that Europeans, like their American cousins, relish the attention and warm, self-satisfied glow which come from political protest , but only up to the threshold of actual sacrifice.  After that, it’s kinda a bummer.

"Brothers And Sisters In The Struggle--We Are With You At Least Until Spring Break."

Things We Think About: Time Travel

07 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by in History

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By Smaktakula

If The Future Has Anything To Teach, It's That The Pederasts Will Outlive Us All.

We think it would be way cool to be able to travel backward in time, but not for the typically cited reasons, such as dumping that Lehman stock while it’s still hot, killing Hitler or doing the nasty with Joan of Arc.  Instead, we’d use this precious opportunity to fuck with people from simpler, more primitive societies.

For example, if visiting late 19th Century Victorian England, Smaktakula might insist to all he meets that he is a certain Mr. Beyotch, placing a ridiculous emphasis on the second syllable so that it rises in pitch to end almost in a screech.

“Pleased to meet you, Mr. Beyotch.”

“My dear sir–that’s BeyOTCH!”

Man, that would be anachronistically epic.

The "Maid" Of Orléans. The Chick's French--How Hard Can It Be To Get All Up In That Chainmail?

FYI:  Joan became legal circa 1430 AD, only to die a year later in 1431 AD.  That’s your window of opportunity right there. ∞T.