Tag Archives: Egypt

Headlines: Get On Your Knees And Fight Like A Man

20 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

How Conceited Are The Folks In South Haven?–They Clearly Believe Their Shit Don’t Stink.

You can read the articles if you want. We didn’t. We’re just talking about the headlines.

***

“HHHHHHUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!”

Which Hurts Worse, The Pun Or The Beating? Oh, RIght…The Beating. Yeah, That Was A Stupid Question.

Why Not Make EVERYWHERE A ‘Walk Of Shame?’

Just Go Ahead And Die So We Can Get Around To Promising “NEVER AGAIN.”

Honestly, This Is A Little More Their Style.

Put The Gun Away, Bro–You Had Me At “GET.”

¹You didn’t know about that one? Hell, folks–we’re still there. ∞ T.

Headlines 10.16.12

16 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Look, We Tried, But She Refused To Take It Seriously. She Kept Wanting To Play Charades.

 

In Which We Comment On The Headlines Without Bothering To Read The Articles

***

9 Reasons Why Being a Mom Qualifies You to Work in a Brothel ~ Well, obviously, you’re no stranger to cock. Let’s just get that one out of the way right now.

Egyptian President Morsi Rejects Previous Limits on Presidential Power ~ And if the rule of Hosni Mubarak taught us anything, it’s that those limits weren’t all that stringent to begin with.

Chelsea Clinton Exited Wall Street for More Meaning ~ Meaning an eventual run for office.

‎A Worksheet for Math-Phobic Parents ~ Don’t worry–it can be filled out in crayon. Just make your X when you’re through.

Elementary School Beauty Pageant Canceled Over Controversial Flyer Sent Home With Students ~ It was because of the flyer, though? And not ’cause it was a shitty idea to start out with?

Because Sexualizing Children Boosts Their Self-Esteem!

Apple cider prices on the rise ~ Golly! Whatever shall we serve our guests at this year’s Autumn Cotillion? 

Oorah! Marines around the world ~ Killin’ folks.

Gloria Allred — Barack Obama Says I’m One of the BEST Lawyers in America ~ Listen, Gloria–the man didn’t get to be president by telling people things they DIDN’T want to hear.

Neb. wildfires grow with help of strong winds ~ They burned clear through to St. Louis before anyone noticed.

Paul Ryan speech emphasizes ‘there’s no going back’ if Obama wins ~ Okay, normally we’re skeptical regarding allegations of covert racism, but EVERYBODY knows that ‘no going back’ means ‘black.’

Keeping It Clean at Burning Man ~ No easy task with all those filthy hippies running around.

With No Running Water, Improper Sanitation And Those People, It’s A Safe Bet Everything Smells A Little Bit Like Baked Crotch.

How to Stop Hospitals From Killing Us ~ We’ve gotta go with the Bush Doctrine: Kill them before they have a chance to kill us.

Remember Afghanistan? ~ It might be a little easier to forget if we weren’t still there.

Joy Behar: Honey Boo Boo will ‘grow up to be a big fat woman’ ~ Holy cow, Nostradamus! Yours is a very rare and precious gift–use it wisely.

Here’s Why Justin Bieber Likes to Prank People All the Time ~ ‘Cause he’s a little douche.

Cancer death rates predicted to drop 17% by 2030 ~ Suh-Wheet! That’s just about the time we’ll find ourselves in the “Red Zone.”

Kim Kardashian — Black Baby ~ Las Vegas oddsmakers have it at 3:2 currently.

Wait–Isn’t She The One Who Likes To Get Peed On? Shit. We Just Hope The Baby’s Mammalian.

Infants Left Home Alone Are Fine But Their Mom & Aunt Feared Dead ~ Well, we can guarantee that Mom & Aunt Patty have abandoned their last child.

T.I. Helps Save ‘Creed’ Frontman’s Life ~ Well, why the hell did he do a thing like that?

Piracy ‘boosts economy’ in Somalia ~ That’s because piracy ‘is the economy’ in Somalia.

Home improvement sales going through the roof ~ Well, just the money spent on roofing materials alone…

Mow Yard. Drop Off Kids. Take a Drive on Mars. ~ Check in at a reputable mental health facility.

Why is the Arab world so easily offended? ~ The reasons are multifaceted and heavily nuanced, but we can assure you that it’s not because they’re whiny little bitches.

No, We Said It WASN’T Because Of That!

Has Obama made the planet greener? Al Gore says ‘no’ ~ You must first understand, however, that anybody who actually gets to be president makes Al Gore pretty green.

Newborn giant panda cub dies at the National Zoo ~ Can war with China be far behind?

LA to consider multi-use library cards for illegal immigrants ~ Sure, why not?–it seems kinda pointless to deny them anything at this stage in the game. Well, we might as well tell them where we keep the good liquor.

Rihanna’s ‘Diamonds’ Single Art Will Make You Feel Insecure About Your Weed ~ Well, fuck her then!

5 Signs You Already Have Early Stage Alzheimer’s ~ Because Taft was simply a better president, damn it!

“No, If You Say You’re My Son, I Believe You. It’s Just That I Figured You’d Be Better Looking.”

Headlines: 06.29.12

29 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

You Need To Let That One Go, Fellas. Nature Will Sort Everything Out.

Look–you can read the articles if you want, but we get all we need to know from the headlines.

Cher ticks off Australian city ~ Heretofore merely a domestic shame, the braying pop-relic has transcended the bonds of regional effrontery to become an international offense.

World’s oldest known pottery discovered in China ~ Archaeologists contend that despite its antiquity, the remarkable find is every bit as lame and boring as modern pottery.

NY man admits to pouring bleach into children’s milk ~ Mayor Bloomberg personally arranged for his release, arguing that at zero calories, bleach was a healthy alternative to high-calorie sodas.

Here’s a Photo of Lightning Striking the Empire State Building Yesterday ~ What a rare and beautiful sight! You know, lightning only strikes the ESB 500 times a year.

Kim K. doesn’t know what ‘virgin’ means ~ To be fair, virginity isn’t something she’s had to worry about since she was nine.

“Am I The One That Likes To Get Peed On? I Can’t Even Remember Any More.”

Earhart’s Anti-Freckle Cream Jar Possibly Found ~ Forcing the FDA to reevaluate the claims made by the manufacturers of ‘disappearing creams.’

Joyce Maynard Adopted Two Girls from Ethiopia Then Gave Them Up ~ She was only doing what she thought was right. If they’re under the weight-limit, you’re supposed to toss ’em back.

Attorneys: Sandusky’s adopted son says he’s also a victim ~The kid’s adopted, so at least they can’t throw incest into the mix.

Report: Syria leader’s wife says she’s ‘real dictator’ ~ Ladies, we need your help with this one: Given that the wife of mass-murdering nastyman Bashar “Basher” al-Assad claims that SHE wears the jackboots in that family, are we okay in calling her a cunt?

Looking for Pedro Hernandez ~ Have you already checked the parking lot of Home Depot?

For $9 An Hour And A Big Mac, He’ll Be Anyone You Want Him To.

Porn star claims butt is hers~ No one’s quite figured out how to break it to her that her ass is now public domain.

Men really DO like dumb, drunk women! ~ Ladies, it’s nothing against intelligence–really! It’s just that the drunker & stupider you are, the more likely you are to give it up for us. That’s all.

Mystery of Stonehenge solved? ~ Most likely not.

French president defends early Afghan withdrawal ~ Yeah, but he’s got a speech already prepared. The French are no strangers to leaving the game before the whistle blows.

Woman gets naked at airport ~ Making the pat-down for the guy behind her very awkward.

We’d Fly A Lot More, That’s For Damn Sure.

Earth Day initiatives becoming commonplace ~ But no less tiresome.

RFK assassination witness tells CNN: There was a second shooter ~ The witness later recanted, confirming that there had in fact been only one shooter. Explaining his confusion he said, “I thought there were two different guys named ‘Sirhan.’ My bad.”

Woman, child survive mauling by cheetahs ~ Seriously impugning the feline’s claim to be the fastest land animal in the world.

Egypt official says election results to be released Sunday ~ The families of election officials to be released Monday.

TSA Agents Discuss My Mother-in-Law’s ‘Crotch Area’ ~ Hardly. What you overheard was them discussing the crisis in Uganda, which they rightly described as “a foul, unnecessarily hairy hot-spot, stinking of corruption.”

The Reward Of Those Who Come Here Is A Burning Impotence And Tears Of Regret.

Headlines 06.20.12

20 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Entertainment, Music, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Relax, Nobody’s Dead. They’re Talking About “Any Sensation Whatsoever.”

In which we comment on today’s headlines, without reading the articles.

If you’re like us, you instinctively distrust those pedantic know-it-alls who doggedly insist upon keeping abreast with the affairs of the day. Friends, reading weakens the legs.

***

Nasty, harsh, overcrowded: Life in a Honduran prison ~ Nevertheless, these institutions remain the Honduran equivalent of a 3-Star hotel.

Zombie Hoax Terrifies Florida Town ~ But now that you’ve had your fun, why don’t you leave those poor people alone? After all, your typical Floridian is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Miley Cyrus—Has One of Her New Songs Been Leaked?! ~ No, no. That sound you hear is a leaking hose on the air-conditioner. Reasonable mistake, though.

Friends don’t draw on faces ~ We’re sorry that you never got the opportunity to attend a four-year institution, bro.

Afghanistan gets veto power on night raids ~ Our staunch allies in the War on Terror reason that if raids are conducted during daylight hours, American forces will have a better opportunity to experience Afghanistan’s many natural wonders.

One Of The Most Beautiful Countries On Earth. The Sucky Part Is That It’s Absolutely Crawling With Afghanis.

In Hollywood, an ’80s Moment ~ Adding the word ‘moment’ to another word–say, for example, ‘teaching moment’–lends an added punch of poignancy. It also makes you sound like a precious assweasel. From now on, just let the moments happen.

Vacuum scares adorable kitten ~ There aren’t too many things which strike us as ‘adorable,’ but terrorizing small and defenseless animals is unquestionably one of them.

B6 may help you recall dreams ~ Perhaps, but a sufficient dose of LSD will let you LIVE them.

Defending the Choice to Be Childless ~ People are so judgmental. Listen, for some people, having children is the right choice. Others, however, find just as much satisfaction in being an evolutionary doorstop.

What to do if you’re raising a bilingual child who refuses to speak Spanish ~ Well, you’re not really raising a bilingual child then, are you?

“Man, It’s A Mess In Here! Doesn’t Anybody Clean The Third Floor Any More?”

Pope’s Butler Formally Charged With Leaks ~ (You’re expecting us to go with something along the lines of So the butler REALLY did do it! aren’t you? Har Har. You’ll wish we had, though…) Normally what happens in the Vatican stays in the Vatican. If the Church has demonstrated anything over the past couple millennia, it is not only the capacity–but also an eagerness bordering on compulsion–to plug little holes.

Preacher: No new rapture date in sight ~ Finally! We thought you’d NEVER realize that the Almighty was just fucking with you.

Team embraces gay athletes ~ Hopefully their brave example will be followed by the rest of the figure skating community.

Affair over for student & teacher ~ Well, we didn’t want to say anything, but Tyfinny-Krystal was starting to look a little long in the tooth.

Ladies–If You Want To Hold On To Your Man, You’ve Got To Think Young!

Missing leg found at sea ~ Yeah, but if even the sharks don’t want it, we’ve got to figure that leg is practically worthless.

How the Military Has Won Egypt’s Presidential Election ~ Pretty much how the military always manages to win elections. It’s not by wasting a lot of time standing around voting, that’s for damn sure.

Old & alone? How about retiring in jail? ~ Right? ‘Cause nothing makes you feel young and loved in quite the same way as does hiding a shiv in your ass-crack.

Dating event bans fat people ~ It wasn’t because they were fat, though–just that their hooves kept marking up the dance floor.

Meet Jon Gosselin’s New Girlfriend ~ We didn’t catch her name. But listen–if you’ve got $75 and a carton of Virginia Slims, she’ll do this *thing.* We’ll tell you this much: it involves a ring-tailed lemur & a Flowbee, and it’s illegal pretty much everywhere but Thailand.

Yeah, Dignity And A Well-Developed Sense Of Self Are Nice And All, But At The Same Time, You Can’t Squeeze Them And Make Honking Noises.

Whatever Happened To The Beaver Shot?

16 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Nature Is Part Of Our Shared Heritage. Everyone Should Get A Chance To Check It Out At His Leisure.

Technology advances with dizzying rapidity, pulling a reluctant society along with it. Only a generation ago many of the daily conveniences we take for granted, such as email, cell phones and running water were nothing more than high-tech fantasies. This ever-accelerating advancement ensures that wherever the future leaves us, it will be  a strange and frightening place, too difficult to accurately predict from our unfavorable historical vantage.

But for the many advantages this new technology brings us, there come also attendant consequences. Among these is the deterioration of the traditional community structure–as the world around us grows smaller, the bonds which link us to our local communities begin to fray. Nor is there any doubt that the wealth of easy information available at a keyboard stroke has whetted society’s appetite for instant gratification, while at the same time atrophying those skills upon which real scholarship is based.

Um...It's Just That When You Asked If We Wanted To See Chris' Melons We Thought...But, You're Right, They Are Really Nice.

But perhaps the greatest loss in how we communicate with one another. Since ancient times, young people have signaled their affection for one another by exchanging  nude images. In prehistoric times these crude pornographic depictions likely took the form of cave drawings, just as in ancient Egypt human pudenda were immortalized in rare inks on the walls of excavated tombs. Oil paints were favored for beaver shots from the Renaissance until the early Twentieth Century, when boudoir photographs became the norm.

Particularly phallic lighthouse in Mamallaparum

They'll Tell You That Today, Nothing Is Left To The Imagination. That Simply Isn't True.

But changing mores have conspired to kill once and for all this treasured ancient custom. Whereas once entire families gathered  to celebrate this DIY-porn, passing little Suzie’s naked image hand to hand (and arriving twice at Uncle Joe), as the beaming girl reveled in their wholesome attentions, this harmless tradition is being increasingly seen in a negative light. Dwelling on the prurient, critics contend that not only does this trend tend to sexualize children,  but the resultant humiliation from the unintentional promulgation of the private images can have serious and long-lasting effects upon a young person’s self-esteem.

Sadly, this view seems to be gaining ground, despite the nudie-shot’s well-established cultural history. There are no doubt a great many individuals who welcome the loss of home-made spank pix. Even without Jurgen’s Lotion or a similar unguent, this is a slippery slope. Will these same critics be quite so sanguine when other liberties begin to disappear as well? Imagine if you will a world where it is no longer safe to disseminate personal information like your social security number and credit card information or where children are afraid to accept bus tickets sent to them over the internet by dangerous strangers. Doubtless, that’s a world where none of us want to live, and yet, with every beaver shot left uncaptured, we are one step closer to that reality.

Do You See It? It's EVERYWHERE, Man!

Hey–remember how when we broke up I said I deleted those pictures? No, that’s it. You remember that I said that though, right? ∞ T.

Leslie Nielsen’s Ghost Assaulted In Egypt

02 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

You Came For The Historical Treasures. Stay For The Chaos.

Although initial details are sketchy, various news organizations are reporting that crowds loyal to beleaguered Egyptian despot Hosni Mubarak have been gathering in Cairo since Wednesday morning, and have clashed with anti-Mubarak protesters.  This violence shatters the primarily peaceful image of the protests thus far beamed to the world.

Watch Out For This Guy.

Among so many unforseen twists in this story is the miraculous manifestation of Leslie Nielsen’s unquiet spirit.  Nielsen, who died last year, remained largely apolitical throughout his life, shocking many who assumed he would remain so once in the grave.

It appears, however, that the intermittently funny blob of Canadian ectoplasm stands in solidarity with the people of Egypt.  According to reports, the vengeful spirit suffered a beatdown at the hands of a pro-Mubarak mob.

Leslie Hasn't Gone Gentle Into Any Goodnight.

Protest Well Done

20 Thursday Jan 2011

Posted by in News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Long thought the exclusive purview of irksome Buddhist monks, the art of self-immolation has seen a recent resurgence in a region heretofore unknown for the incendiary form of protest–North Africa.  Self-immolation, in which a person sets himself afire,  is a uniquely modern form of protest in that it utilizes the power of the media like a gun, aiming not to explain grievances but to shock and horrify.

When Rage Against The Machine Created This Provocative Image For Their Album Cover, They Could Never Have Guessed It Would Happen In Real Life.

Recently, Egypt, Algeria and Mauritania have all seen acts of self-immolation, thought to have been sparked by events in Tunisia.  On December 17th, 2009, Mohamed Bouazizi burned himself to death, despondent about his ability to feed his family.  The riots which followed rocked Tunisia, ultimately leading to the government’s surprising implosion last week.

Some around the world are concerned that this ghastly trend will spread to other regions, perhaps reaching Europe where unrest over government austerity programs has brought tensions to a slow burn.  However, most social scientists agree that Europeans, like their American cousins, relish the attention and warm, self-satisfied glow which come from political protest , but only up to the threshold of actual sacrifice.  After that, it’s kinda a bummer.

"Brothers And Sisters In The Struggle--We Are With You At Least Until Spring Break."

Almighty Offensive

17 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture, Religion

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By Smaktakula

In The Beginning, Don Created GI Joe, And Saw That It Was Lucrative.

Children love to hear Bible stories, and those from the Old Testament–when Jehovah was still doing a lot smiting–can be some of the most exciting.  One thing kids like even better than hearing Old Testament Bible stories is reenacting those stories with grotesquely-proportioned Biblically-themed action figures. For years such a product remained elusive.

"He Maketh YOU Lie Down By Still Waters, MoFo!"

Now that gap has been filled with for-profit prophets: Enter The Almighty Heroes!

  • Moses:  Adopted by a foster-mother unaware his secret Jewish identity, the young Moses grew to be a mighty champion of the people.  The Pharoah’s legions couldn’t catch him, and the Red Sea couldn’t stop him in his search for the Promise Land.  Battle Cry: “Let My People Go!”
  • Samson: With bitchin’ hair and a cut bod, Samson was the BC Fabio.  Armed with nothing more than the jawbone of an ass, Samson wages battle with his untrustworthy frenemy Delilah at his side, fighting for justice against such foes as Harry the Depilator.
  • Daniel:  When young Daniel was cast into the lion’s den, no one thought he could survive.  But when a stray lightning bolt struck just as a lion was about to pounce on the frightened prophet, Daniel was miraculously transformed into something more.  With great power comes great responsibility, and Daniel pledged to himself never again to shirk.  Now, with his ever-present lion sidekick Redeemon at his side, he fights crime with a roar.
  • David:  The red-headed rascal who would be king.  A talented multi-instrumentalist and gifted lyricist, David was a lover and not a fighter.  But when the chips were down, David showed he wasn’t afraid to do the hard work, be it slaying a giant with a single stone or sending a loyal soldier to his death that David might possess the man’s wife.  Even though he’s God’s favorite, David plays by his own rules.
  • Deborah:  Deborah rates inclusion for being the most famous Old Testament female who wore clothes.
  • Goliath:  Not really a hero, per se.

Carrot Top Had Second Thoughts About Selling His Likeness For Use As A Toy. But Who Could Say No To Those Breasts?

These evangelical avengers are the brainchild of Donald Levine, the creator of the original G.I. Joe.  Levine’s company, Almighty Heroes Media Group, was created to address a toy shortfall in the Christian marketplace.  Not at all ironically, Levine is Jewish.

davy_goliath.jpg davey and goliath image by SKunker101

"Gosh, Davey--I Think It's Super That You Learned A Very Valuable Lesson. But I Meant It When I Said I'd Tear Your Throat Out If You Pulled That Shit Again."

Some people might think it a tad vulgar to so shamelessly profit from a religion of which he isn’t a member, but Levine’s defenders are quick to add that all these Old Testament characters are very much a part of the Jewish tradition as well.  It’s not impossible that Jewish parents might buy Almighty Heroes for their children.  “But what, they’re gonna waste their money on this crap?” Levine says.  “What?  I’m joking, I’m joking.  The sense of humor on this guy!  Unbelievable.”

Billy Just Loves To Play Samson. His Favorite Part Of The Story Is When Samson, After Having His Eyes Put Out And Cast In Chains By His Philistine Captors, Gains His Revenge By Pulling Down The Temple Atop His Enemies In A Gruesome Murder-Suicide.

Moreover, Levine is quick to point out that products such as the Goliath Electronic Sword and the Jonah & the Whale Playset help kids get into the Bible by allowing them to add their own awesome adventures to the Inviolable Word of the Almighty.

Batman Wants Nothing To Do With These Jokers.

Sadly, Levine’s company has not fared well, perhaps cursed by the unseen hand of Satan or possibly good taste.  Almighty Inc. has been unable to pay back loans, and Levine is being sued by one of his former partners.  But like the resilient heroes who are their flagship characters, don’t count Almighty Inc. out just yet.  The photos of the David and Samson action figures in this story were taken yesterday by Promethean Times’ staff photographer Tardsie the Backpack.  They are available at our local Rite Aid.

It's A Little Weird To Think That The Psalmist Looked So Much Like A Fuck Doll.

Righteous!