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Author Archives: tardsie

Promethea Culpa

17 Thursday May 2012

Posted by tardsie in Crime, Culture, History, News

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

apology, avoiding responsibility, guns, hypocrisy, irresponsible speech, Kate Gosselin, making excuses, overreaction, Promethea Culpa, retraction, RUN BITCH! RUN!, Sarah Palin, shame campaign, Tuscon shooting, United States of America, veiled threats, violence

Originally presented Jan 18, 2011

By Tardsie

Promethean Times regrets that our clumsy handling of a recent event necessitates both a clarification and an apology.  We have entered an age in which our words take on meanings not originally intended, and where the line between free speech and incitement has grown perilously thin.

Sarah To Kate: “RUN, BITCH! RUN!” By Which She Means ‘Run For Elected Office.’ Sarah Thinks Kate Is Just Swell.

Recent violence in the United States compels us to reexamine a December 27th Promethean Times piece, Plan To Strand Palin, Gosselin In Alaskan Wilderness Unsuccessful.  In the aforementioned piece, we depicted a gun-toting Sarah Palin above the caption ‘Many People Hoped That This Image Would Be The Last Thing To Go Through Kate Gosselin’s Mind Before The Bullet.’

We’re confident most readers understood that our intention, however ham-handed in its execution, was to express the hope that an image of her friend Sarah Palin went through Kate Gosselin’s mind rapidly–as in, with the speed of a bullet. We did not mean to imply or depict, as some readers clearly believe, any intended violence from Palin toward the talentless reality star.  This erroneous assumption is bolstered by our choice of image, and in this, we probably chose unwisely.  If we had to do it again, would most likely not choose a picture of Palin with an automatic weapon, and definitely not one in which the former vice-presidential candidate is taking direct aim at the viewer.

We want to be perfectly clear: the error was inadvertent.  Although as a staff we are stunned that anyone would believe Promethean Times capable of such a gross breach of our journalistic responsibilities, we acknowledge that through our own actions, we bear at least some culpability for the confusion.

“I’ve Got A Shotgun Shell Here With Kate’s Name On It. As A Present, Of Course. I Did The Engraving Myself. You Betcha!”

We very  much regret that Promethean Times‘ ambiguous phrasing caused alarm among a portion of our more sensitive readers, and in the future will endeavor whenever possible to eschew confusing, convoluted–and seemingly interminable–sentences which, through their various levels of syntactic abstraction not only serve to baffle a reader, but also sorely test his or her patience with the writer’s self-indulgent, pointless and increasingly wearisome verbal prestidigitation; instead, in such situations where previously we might have employed so confusing and unnecessarily-elaborate a syntax, we henceforth shall strive mightily to use only the most concise, clearly-worded and straightforward sentence structure in both the hope and belief that in doing so, such plain grammar will not only help to mitigate the very real possibility of further confounding the reader and thereby abrogating our journalistic mandate to effectively impart an intended message, but also–and by no means less importantly–to be more thoroughly satisfying for the reader.

For reals.

“KILL SMAKTAKULA! With Kindness. You’ve Heard That Expression, Right?”

Return Of Not What You Were Looking For?

02 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by tardsie in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

abortion, Afghanistan, Barack Obama, Barry Bonds, Baseball, Bert & Ernie, Billy Carter, black sororities, breastuses, Camilla Parker Bowles, China, Courtney Love, degenerates, dope, douchebaggery, drugs, drunken Irishmen, Emmanuel Lewis, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fauxhawks, fellatrix, femullet, grass, hemp, Herb Tarlek, Hugh Hefner, Kim Jong-un, marijuana, Massengill disposable douche, mullets, North Korea, not what you were looking for?, Pedobear, pork, pot, Prince William, reefer, Robert Mugabe, rope, Russell Brand, seriously--hippies are odious, Stupid Gene, sweet sweet cheeba, Taliban, testicles, Tina Fey, Tina Fey not dead, tiny penis, urban legends, vagina, water sports, weed, Westboro Baptist Church, Yao Ming

By Tardsie

There's No Such Thing As A 'Typical" Promethean Times Reader. The Only Common Thread Is Degeneracy.

Not everyone who visits Promethean Times finds us on purpose. Here we respond to some of the bizarre, dangerous and downright foul search terms by which you found us. Enjoy!

***

fags love straight men ~ It’s true, but just between us, you’ll be safe.

sexual watersports ~ What’s that, like having sex on water-skis? We’ll just look that up and…OH! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

ugly guy with mullet ~ We’re gonna need more details.

drunken irish beaver ~ We challenge you to show us an Irish beaver who’s not drunk.

"Aw Jaysus, Mikey, Me Ould Son--Oim So Fookin' Pissed Oi Cannah Remember--Iz'tah Wrang Soide Ah Dah Rood Daht We Droive Ahn, Oir Dah Roight Soide?"

hugh hefner creepy ~ Really? You don’t think it’s normal for a doddering, incontinent old man to make pretend sex with silicate vixens?

a is for addict ~ b is for bum. This is fun!

in squalor recluse no friends ~ Sounds tough, buddy! Hopefully we were able to make you smile.

is pauly shore allergic to anything? ~ We like the way you think. Tell us you’ve got a lunch date with Pauly.

courtney love breast feeding at Wendys ~ Surely even the most rabid breast-feeding advocate must concede that such a thing is neither natural nor beautiful; it is an abomination.

Apparently, She Lactates Pure Methadone.

emmanuael lewis 2011 ~ Skonk 4 LIFE, Yo!

confusion in 84 year old ~ That’s bound to happen.

does prince william call camella “mom”  — What do you think, retard?

tina fey dead ~ She’s NOT dead. We told you that.

history of black dicks ~ Well, you might want to start with Robert Mugabe, and Barry Bonds was supposed to be a real jerk…you meant ‘black penii,’ didn’t you?

Being A Nice Guy Doesn't Matter Until You Lose Your Ability To Hit.

what did billy carter do ~ Besides embarrass a nation, you mean?

who is prince william’s soulmate? ~ ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim. We also told you that.

cons to a temporary marriage ~ Same as the cons for a permanent marriage: your spouse.

did you invite jesus ~  Hells yeah! He’s doing Jell-O shots.

"The Bad News Is That We're Out Of Wine. The Good News Is We've Got All This Bottled Water, And I Know This Party Trick..."

bert and ernie gay ~ You’d think that Bert would be the ‘man,’ but no, it’s Ernie.

opinions on abortion — We’ve got enough opinions already.

how to thank an asshole for an asshole action — Flush?

paul pierce eyes–And now we suppose that Paul is blind.

percentage of men who climax on their partner’s face ~ It’s about 45%. The percentage who do it a second time? 0%.

Seriously, It's Not Sexy.

was macht pauly shore heute —Nichts

korean down syndrome — They call it “Up” syndrome in South Korea.  In the glorious paradise of North Korea there are no people with disabilities whatsoever.  They’re eaten.

promethean times ~ Hello!

cooking in your sauna ~ It can be done, but it’s not advised.

spiders living in tongue; spider lays eggs on face ~ Not true, sadly, but it’s nice to have something to believe in.

worst place to live in north korea ~ Well, it’s all pretty bad, but we heard that the intersection of Chigun and 47th Avenue is pretty rough.

westboro name origin ~ We told you a little about that.

"So I'm Thinking Of Starting A Church..."

white girls in black sororities ~ Actually, black sororities are in many ways like our rules for eating in bed: No Crackers!

lady mullet ~ It’s called a femullet, and it’s hella sexy.

naked nicknames ~ Smaktakula’s is ‘Tiny.’

crazy russian mathmatition ~ You’re talking about our pal, Grigori!

after the taliban took control of afghanistan, respect for women went downhill from there.  they are treate . . . ~ Sounds like you already know how the story comes out. What do you need us for?

fellatrix blog ~ We read it for a while, but found it hard to swallow.

fake testicles ~ Check these out!

baseball is big in China ~ Nothing’s all that big in China, except for Yao Ming, and he had to come to the States for a life worth a damn.

Oh Yeah, And This Monstrosity.

pedobear jackpot ~ It’s the first ten rows of a Justin Bieber show.

statistics ballet homosexuality ~ It’s somewhere around 95% (plus or minus 5%).

douchebaggery now a hairstyle ~ It has been for a while. Check this out. And this.

marijuana rectal cancer ~ It’s the sole cause, man!

dread hippy porn–We dread it too.

Yeah, We Know That Razors Weren't So Big In The Age Of Aquarius, But In The Age Of Hygiene, They Are. And Take A Shower While You're At It!

poems about mullets ~ I think that I shall never see/A Dude as hideous and sad as thee/Please cover your head with a paper bag/’Cause your freaky hair makes you look like a…doofus.

russell brand douchebag–We prefer Massengill brand douchebag.

appalachian pot-– The strain is created by cross-breeding it with itself.

i hate pork ~ Smaktakula does too.

camilla parker bolwes pretty–Pretty what?

Usually Powerful Men Like Prince Charles Opt To "Go Pretty" In Second Marriages.

victims of the stupid gene ~ More numerous than sand on the beach.

following vice prez who is next in line of succession the prez of us ~ Apparently the Founding Fathers didn’t think this through. According to the Constitution, in  the event that both the President and Vice-President are unable to serve, the Presidency goes to the  guy who owns the most horses.

nicknames for dick — What’s your name again?

was obama photographed with leeches on his face ~What?!? No.

dear camp female tramps ~ Tramps are dear to us as well.

vienna sausage creations ~ Well, speaking euphemistically–children.

showing his cock ~ ‘Tis a fine bantam you have there, sir–sure to win first prize at the County Fair.

people remembering the 60s — Are often tiresome.

Anti-Drug PSA's Would Be So Much More Effective If This Guy Was The Poster-Boy.

fbi warning negro—Clarence prefers to be called the FBI warning African-American.

testicles hanging off truck—That was one hell of an accident.

condoms for men with small penis~They’re called Little Richards, and they’re surprisingly comfortable. Or, that’s what we read in Consumer Reports anyway.

tina fey died ~ Haven’t we been through this?

im a nazi ~ Some Israeli gentlemen may be visiting later this evening.

fish vagina innuendos—Going to a party later tonight and need a line that will impress the ladies?

"Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive! Heh! Tuna? Anyone? Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive!..You People Wouldn't Know Funny If It Bit You On The Ass!"

***

Check out how these creepos found us!

  • Not What You Were Looking For?
  • Still Not What You Were Looking For?
  • Not What You Were Looking For, Episode III: The Search For Cock
  • Not What You Were Looking Four?

Nothing But Comebacks

28 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by tardsie in Stupidity

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

comebacks, insults, Milton Waddams, sophomoric humor

By Tardsie

Wow. Why Not Start Tomorrow Off With Some Decaf?

In which we offer some classic comebacks.

  • So funny I forgot to laugh.

  • Well, that’s what you say.

  • Yeah, that’s a good one. Hey, I used to have a shirt like that, but then my dad got a job!

Well, I Am What I Eat, After All--That's Why You're A Dick.

  • When God was handing out ‘brains,’ you were back in line getting seconds on ‘mouth.’

  • I’d cut you down, but shit don’t slice.

  • Har-Dee-Har-Har. You’re quite the comedian.

  • You think you’re so cool. But you know what? You’re not!

Can't Hear This? Then Maybe I Should Turn It Up.

  • That was funny. LIKE IN FIRST GRADE!

  • I’d engage you in a battle of wits, but I make it a practice not to fight an unarmed man.

  • I don’t get it.

  • That’s what your mother said.

I Don't Have A Mom; Me And My Dad Use Yours.

  • Talk to the hand.

  • Real mature. That’s just sooooo mature.

  • I know you are but what am I? (repeat)

  • Fuck you, you fucking fucker!

"Um, Okay. But Maybe I'll Just Burn Down The Building."

For Reals: The Best of Promethean Times!

17 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Anna Nicole Smith, Belgium, Bill Clinton, blond guys with dreads look like idiots, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, blond people are stupid, double standards, dreadlocks, Emmanuel Lewis, freedom of speech, Gary Coleman, handicapped people, hypocrisy, Jimmy Carter, Kool-Aid Man, nasty blond dreadlocks, opossums, Osama bin Laden, punch lines, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Why are blondes so stupid?

By the Promethean Times Editorial Staff

For The Best And Most Reliable News From The Four Corners Of The Globe, You Know Where To Look.

In which we present a few of  our favorite Promethean Times’ features. We hope you’ll enjoy as well. ∞ T.

Humor:

We Prefer Humor That Is Neither Hurtful Nor Degrading.

Our readers know that humor is near and dear to our hearts. In the following post, we provide the punch lines to our very favorite jokes. Straight lines not included.

  • Nothing But Punch Lines

The Big Issues:

Blondes: As Stupid As They Are Slutty.

In which we tackle the pressing social issues of freedom of speech and question the true nature of female beauty. We also discuss why blond people shouldn’t wear their hair in dreadlocks, and why their women are so dumb and slutty.

  • Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong Champion Of Tolerance
  • A Contemporary Helen of Troy
  • Something Must Be Done About Blond Guys With Dreadlocks
  • Platinum-Headed Hos

Nature:

This Is Nothing A Car Exhaust And A Length Of Hose Won't Cure.

We care deeply about the environment and the creatures who live within it.

  • Nobody Loves The Opossum
  • Puppy-Killing: Why We’re Against It

Culture:

Has Anyone Ever Stopped To Ask If Maybe They Had It Coming?

We spend a good deal of time talking about various places around the globe.  We think you’ll enjoy our report on those iniquitous Belgians.

  • Belgians: The World’s Most Evil People

People in Power:

Jimmy, Why Do You Hang Out With Him If He's Just Gonna Treat You Like That?

Like the rest of the world, we’re fascinated by powerful people. In these  gems, we explore the friendship between two former presidents, and examine the future King of England’s quest for true love.

  • Now You’re Just Being A Dick, Bill
  • Prince William: Who Will Be His Camilla Parker-Bowles?

Small Black Actors:

Small, Black & Formerly Famous. But The Similarities End There.

Tales of two diminutive former child stars: one a cursed, loveless misanthrope, the other a happy little man-whore.

  • Diff’rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone
  • Emmanuel Lewis: The Antigary

The Evil Ones:

Ding, Dong The Dick Is Dead!

In which we take a hard look at the enemies of freedom.

  • Bin Laden: The Final Hours
  • Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack

Fictional Characters:

His Blood Was An Unsweetened Raspberry-Watermelon. Even The Dogs Wouldn't Lap It Up.

It’s not just real people who get the Promethean Times treatment. Here we explore the tragic effect of violence upon the worlds of soft-drink advertising and children’s educational programming.

  • Commercial Icon Institutionalized After Bloody Rampage
  • Vicious Mauling Leaves Sesame Street Cast Member In Critical Condition

Promethea Culpa Culpa: More Retractions

16 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

abortion, death by fire, Dewey defeats Truman, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, flame retardant, Fred Phelps, gay marriage, God Hates Fags, inflammable, leprosy, Mickey Rooney, mistakes, outright lies, retractions, syphilis, we goofed!

By Tardsie

Occasionally, You May Read Something In These Pages That Just Isn't True.

Readers of Promethean Times know how very seriously we take our journalistic responsibility to keep the public informed. Throughout its nearly two-hundred years of publication, Promethean Times has striven to justify our readership’s trust by providing only the most accurate and thoroughly-vetted information. Although we have been exceptionally successful in this endeavor, we do from time to time make mistakes. It is vital to our mission that, when on those infrequent occasions when we do make mistakes, we correct them quickly.

***

See? It's Not Just Us.

Mickey Rooney does not have late-stage syphilis. A representative of the nonagenarian actor and insurance pitchman told Promethean Times that Rooney was healthy and that his nose has not ‘rotted away to a blackened stump’ as previously reported.

***

We extend a heartfelt and abject apology not only to the wife and infant daughter of Scoutmaster Daniel “Flip” Plevins and the parents of Billy Wilkins, Shane Green and Cody McPhereson, but to all of Cub Scout Pack 492 and to the intrepid park rangers who were first upon the grisly scene. Further, we apologize to any readers unknown to us who may have suffered injury after relying on erroneous information provided by this publication. We regret our error. As it turns out, grizzly bears are not, in fact, ‘more scared of you than you are of them.’

On The Plus Side, You've Gotten Your Nature Badge Out Of The Way.

The sound you hear when a spoon falls in the garbage disposal is NOT the wailing spirit of the child you aborted the summer after your sophomore year in college. In retrospect, saying so seems unnecessarily cruel.

"Why, Mommy? Why?"

Contrary to what was printed on this site, sprinkling your breakfast cereal with the finely ground toes of Irish babies will not cure leprosy.

***

We reported that a kitten frozen in a block of ice for a period of up to three months will revive if properly thawed. While this advice has proven to be cruelly incorrect, we submit that it was still a really cool notion.

But Don't Simply Take Our Word For It.

We were sorely off the mark when we told parents that flame-retardant toys would impair their children’s cognitive abilities. This is not the case. However, in our ongoing commitment to child safety, we urge parents to make sure that each of their children’s toys is clearly marked “INFLAMMABLE.’

***

Legalizing gay marriage will apparently not cause the universe to collapse in upon itself. Sorry, we thought it would.

If You Can Guarantee That You Won't Be There, We'll Take It.

Some previous retractions:

Promethea Culpa

74 Years Ago In Promethean Times: Sorry About Your Blimp, Hans

Profiles In Dignity

13 Monday Feb 2012

Posted by tardsie in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Bob Dylan, Burt Bacharach, childish sexual innuendo, Danica Patrick, dignity, evolution, fat people, Hal David, love, moobs, Pedobear, Promethean Times' ongoing commitment to treating all peoples and cultures with dignity and respect, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, Star Trek dorks, the myriad facets of gayness, Why am I so fat?

By Tardsie

Some Folks Just Can't Catch A Break.

“Someone showed me a picture and I just laughed
Dignity never been photographed”

Bob Dylan

***

In 1965, songwriters Hal David and Burt Bacharach opined that love was ‘the only thing that there’s too little of.’  As any starving child in a famine-ridden but over-populated country will readily tell you, there are a great many things much rarer than love, which turns out to be rather common.

Dignity, however, is a dying resource. Experts contend that long-term exposure to media and social diets low in dignity can lead to both spiritual and moral deprivation as well as physical degradation. To celebrate this unfortunate trend, we’ve taken amusing pictures from the internet, and added to the poignancy with our own comments.  Enjoy!

Bonus! The Tank Can Hold Up To A Magnum Of Diet Pepsi.

***

No Matter How Excited You Are, It's Never Okay To Douse The President In Your Personal Fluids.

***

How Many Different Kinds Of Gay Can You Spot In This Picture?

***

San Francisco Is The Only Ballclub Forward-Thinking Enough To Sponsor Its Own Pedophile Outreach Program.

***

There's A Fine Line Between Terrifying And Ridiculous. It's Called The 'Terrifyingly Ridiculous Line.'

***

It Would Appear That Star Fleet Academy Has Relaxed Its Entrance Requirements In Recent Years.

***

Look At The Size Of That Pussy! The One Under The Cat, We Mean (Oh, Don't Act So Shocked; You Love It When We Go Lowbrow).

***

The Ass-Belly Is The Most Disturbing Thing In This Image, And That's Saying Quite A Bit.

***

Someday You'll Be Able To Tell Your Kids About That Time You Made Danica Patrick Throw Up In Her Own Mouth.

***

You Can Laugh, But It's A Finely Tuned Evolutionary Adaptation To Life In Today's Fast-Paced Urban Environment.

***

So how do you go about getting yourself one of those aqua-scooters, anyway? < S.

Smaktakula Returns ‘For Love Of Promethean Times’

14 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by tardsie in Stupidity

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

bitches, Chad, groupies, grovelling, ignorance, Mohandas Gandhi, outright lies, schadenfreude, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, stalkers, that trick never works, Why am I so stupid?

By Tardsie

If You Think About It, Except For Being A Little, Bald, Dead Indian Dude, Smaktakula Is A Lot Like Gandhi.

Smaktakula’s legion of slavishly devoted fans, groupies and stalkers will be delighted to know that Promethean Times’ head writer has reconsidered his decision to retire from journalism to pursue a life of boundless hedonism and degenerate self-gratification.  Regarding  the change of heart, Smaktakula says, “I felt I was needed here.”

As proof of  his intentions, Smaktakula announced that he has bequeathed his Chadian bonanza to several worthwhile charities: “Let’s see . . . the retarded kids, I think . . .and uh, I’m pretty sure Jerry’s Kids–there’s something wrong with them, right?–and–and kids with no heads.  Look, you said you’d stick to the questions we agreed upon.”  Moreover, Smaktakula has also donated the remaining funds in his checking account, including the $4,500 his Aunt Lois gave him after he finally completed a treatment program.

Smaktakula Was Forced To Sell Many Of His Objects d'Art To Settle A Few Outstanding Bills.

Knowing that his money is helping retards and kids with no heads has been a profound emotional experience for Smaktakula.  “When I think about it,” he says, “I break down and cry like a little baby.”  This author was treated to such a display after arriving ten minutes early for our interview; Smaktakula lay on the cold, stone floor of his apartment in his mother’s garage, fetal and twitching.  After he was covered with a blanket, the pitiable wretch became calmer, at which point it was a matter of waiting out his quiet, snuffling sobs.

Smaktakula is delighted to be back in the saddle, but hopes that no one was offended by the quotations he claims were misattributed to him by Promethean Times.  “I never called anyone ‘bitches,'” he argues.  “I said ‘witches,’ as in evil practitioners of the occult and concubines of Satan himself.”  He adds, “Which I am totally, completely and 100% against.”

For Having Been The Recipient Of Such A Gift, Smaktakula Is Surprisingly Ungenerous To Chad: "Those People Can Rot In Hell!"

Smaktakula Is Super-Freaking Rich

13 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Africa, African strongmen, Chad, Croesus, delusion, gazillionaires, greed, ignorance, Lottery tickets, Nigeria, Nigerian email scam, pimp-cup, playing the lottery as an investment, poor math skills, Promethean Times, Scrooge McDuck, self-deception, Smaktakula, We trust Wikipedia as far as we can throw it, wealth, Wikipedia

By Tardsie

No Longer Able To Enjoy The Simple Pleasures Of The Little People, Rich Dudes Like Smaktakula Do Increasingly Bizarre Things In Search Of Fulfillment.

Smaktakula announced at a press conference today that he is “Super-freaking rich” and that he is now “finally living the life I deserve.”  He punctuated this with, “Who’s laughing now, bitches?”,  which he followed up with “Nobody, that’s who.”  He then took a long draught from his pimp-cup and sprayed the audience, who in light of the author’s newfound status, could only sit there and take it.

Smaktakula: His Mind On His Money And His Money On His Mind.

Yesterday morning, a simple electronic message changed Smaktakula’s life forever, when fate plucked him from the soul-crushing poverty that ensnares most of the people reading this article, setting him gently upon the gilded pedestal reserved for the world’s elite.  It seems that a certain African leader, whose identity has yet to be revealed, must quickly get his funds out of the country in the face of an oncoming coup.

Is This Smaktakula's Mysterious Benefactor? Maybe.

For reasons too murky for Smaktakula to follow, the strongman intends to place his vast fortune into Smaktakula’s checking account. For rendering this service, Smaktakula will be allowed to keep roughly 10% of the despot’s $25 million fortune.  “Imagine what I could do with $250,000,” the ex-writer crowed, “I could buy 250,000 lottery tickets and double or even triple my fortune!”

Smaktakula's Financial Strategies Will Make Him As Rich As Croesus.

Smaktakula dismisses as sour grapes the many, many warnings he has received from people he thought were his friends that his recent good luck is an email scam.  The blogger, who describes himself as a “super-genius–way smarter than you,” is not worried.  “I did my research, and I know about Nigerian scams,” he says.  “This email comes from N’Djamena, Chad–which is a whole different country.  I checked it out on Wikipedia.  It’s legit.”

"Chad." It Sounds Fake To Us, Too. But Nope, It's A Real Country.

Smaktakula has provided his account information as requested, and since then has been eagerly checking his balance every five minutes or so.  To his former readers at Promethean Times, the gazillionaire had this to say: “So long, paupers!  If you ever see me around here again, you can bet that I fucked up real bad!”

It IS Pretty Unbelievable!

You’re Only Kidding Yourself

03 Friday Jun 2011

Posted by tardsie in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

awesomeness, fashion, hipsters, morons, stupid people, Walmart, what awesome looks like

By Tardsie

Awesome Doesn't Advertise. And If It Did, We're Pretty Sure It Wouldn't Use A $5 T-Shirt From Walmart To Do It.

Although favored by under-sevens and the occasional insufferably ironic hipster, these fashions are typically associated with the creepily virginal. ∞T.

Happy Memorial Day!

30 Monday May 2011

Posted by tardsie in Culture, History

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

French's mustard, holidays, Memorial Day, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, true meanings of holidays

By Tardsie

On which some grilled and others shopped.

He Honors America's Fallen By Refusing To Use French's Mustard On The Dogs.

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