abortion, death by fire, Dewey defeats Truman, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, flame retardant, Fred Phelps, gay marriage, God Hates Fags, inflammable, leprosy, Mickey Rooney, mistakes, outright lies, retractions, syphilis, we goofed!
Readers of Promethean Times know how very seriously we take our journalistic responsibility to keep the public informed. Throughout its nearly two-hundred years of publication, Promethean Times has striven to justify our readership’s trust by providing only the most accurate and thoroughly-vetted information. Although we have been exceptionally successful in this endeavor, we do from time to time make mistakes. It is vital to our mission that, when on those infrequent occasions when we do make mistakes, we correct them quickly.
Mickey Rooney does not have late-stage syphilis. A representative of the nonagenarian actor and insurance pitchman told Promethean Times that Rooney was healthy and that his nose has not ‘rotted away to a blackened stump’ as previously reported.
We extend a heartfelt and abject apology not only to the wife and infant daughter of Scoutmaster Daniel “Flip” Plevins and the parents of Billy Wilkins, Shane Green and Cody McPhereson, but to all of Cub Scout Pack 492 and to the intrepid park rangers who were first upon the grisly scene. Further, we apologize to any readers unknown to us who may have suffered injury after relying on erroneous information provided by this publication. We regret our error. As it turns out, grizzly bears are not, in fact, ‘more scared of you than you are of them.’
The sound you hear when a spoon falls in the garbage disposal is NOT the wailing spirit of the child you aborted the summer after your sophomore year in college. In retrospect, saying so seems unnecessarily cruel.
Contrary to what was printed on this site, sprinkling your breakfast cereal with the finely ground toes of Irish babies will not cure leprosy.
We reported that a kitten frozen in a block of ice for a period of up to three months will revive if properly thawed. While this advice has proven to be cruelly incorrect, we submit that it was still a really cool notion.
We were sorely off the mark when we told parents that flame-retardant toys would impair their children’s cognitive abilities. This is not the case. However, in our ongoing commitment to child safety, we urge parents to make sure that each of their children’s toys is clearly marked “INFLAMMABLE.’
Legalizing gay marriage will apparently not cause the universe to collapse in upon itself. Sorry, we thought it would.
Adrienne schmadrienne said:
“….Promethean Times that Rooney was healthy and that his nose has not ‘rotted away to a blackened stump’ as previously reported.”
I read that and choked on my last bite of sandwich. Dammit, that’s gross but quite colorful.
The Hook said:
Hilarious retractions! Good job!
Alex Autin said:
…trying to think of something clever to write but can’t stop laughing about the wailing spirit in the garbage disposal.
The child with the signs…..a bit disturbing, but let’s fact it….he has no idea what he’s doing.
That’s sadly true. In his way, however, he’s no different from a great many American children who unwittingly advertise their parents’ political and religious choices, except that his have been deemed unacceptable to society.