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Tag Archives: Georgia

Suck It, Las Vegas!

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, Music, True-Ass Tales

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

cheap thrills, dope, Georgia, grass, hemp, Keanu Reeves, Las Vegas, marijuana, medical marijuana, Nebraska, neon hellhole, Nevada, Omaha, places that suck, Poland, pot, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, vulgarity, weed, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so ugly?

By Tardsie

We Took A Road Trip To Las Vegas! Don’t Worry, My Wife Drove.

My wife and I recently got back from Las Vegas, where we saw the Killers in concert on Friday night. It was an awesome, once-in-a-lifetime performance by a band at the top of its game and comfortably on its home turf. Here’s a clip from that kick-ass show (the song stops at 1:37 because a fight breaks out, then starts up again):

So we had a great time, both in Vegas and on the trip there and back, in which I got to visit a new medical marijuana dispensary and my wife got to stop at produce stands. As usual, I employed my foolproof gambling system to break even (my system is that I don’t gamble). But I don’t want to talk about how much fun we had on the trip or all the great memories we made–I want to bitch about Las Vegas.

How We Love To Hate You. Don’t Ever Change.

Here goes:

This place calls itself ‘Sin City’ while managing to keep a straight face. Apparently, the whole of the ‘sin’ experience begins with blowing your kid’s birthday cash at the craps table and ends with walking down the boulevard with a beer in your hand. So while you can bounce your eyes in time with the silicate breasts of leathery showgirls, you can’t actually have sex with them. You can get liquored up enough to drunkenly piss away in a few hours what you’ve worked a lifetime to build, but you can’t legally smoke a joint.

I Managed, Fortunately. Thanks To Vegas’ Constant Reek, They Thought I Was Smoking Harmless Tobacco.

And talk about a genetic clusterfuck! I’ve been to places like Georgia, Poland and Omaha, Nebraska–so you know I’ve seen some ugly people in my time, but never so many collected in one neon-ringed exhibit. Whether you’re dodging blubbery slugs on mobility scooters or avoiding the gaze of the shaking hardcase with the the 8:00 AM bloody Mary, Las Vegas has the power to make you feel special for achieving nothing more than an associate’s degree and a set of at least thirty teeth.

We Go Where The Beautiful People Are.

People claim they go to Las Vegas to have fun. Have you ever watched people while they gamble? You’ll see more human expression from Keanu Reeves playing an Easter Island statue in a made-for-TV movie. The rows upon rows of people at slot machines look like junkies in a shooting gallery, continuing to fix long after any sensation is gone.

But At Least You Had Fun, Right?

And lastly, it was cold! It’s the fucking desert, why is it cold? The response I always hear is that it’s cold because it’s the high desert. Bullshit–I was high as a motherfucker, and I still froze my ass off!

We’re Only Kidding Ourselves. We Can’t Quit You.

Stupid People Too: Even More Stupider

19 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News, Stupidity

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

Cincinnati, douchebaggery, frottage, Georgia, Jamie Hughes, Les Nessman, lizard men, LSD, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, Michelle Allen, morons, Newt Gingrich, Nicholas Modrich, Ohio, Oscar, Piggyback Bandit, places that suck, Queen City, race riots, Ramtha, Sherwin Shayegan, Short Bus, Snellville, stupid people, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

We Get It--Thinkin' Makes Your Head Hurt Somethin' Turrible.

It’s no secret that the delightful antics of the very stupid are one of the reasons we get up in the morning. Morons make the world go ’round, and at the very least give us something entertaining to watch until the terrible day when the great lizards burst forth from Mt. Rainier to seal the Earth’s doom.

In the meantime, we hope you’ll enjoy this troika of merry tales exploring the many facets of sub-moronic douchebaggery!

Night of the Hell Cow

This Is What Passes For Fun In Ohio.

Cincinnati, Ohio is a city which has suffered mightily over the years. Situated on the north bank of the Ohio River, the city was once a thriving industrial powerhouse, but today the Queen City is an echoing, haunted shadow of its former self, with the population having fallen nearly in half since 1960. Despite the legions of Cincinnatians fleeing the city like fleas from a rat’s cooling carcass, Cincy still manages to remain among the top 20 most dangerous cities in America. Remembered primarily for a really awful concert and for being the first US city to host race-riots in the 21st Century, and whose most famous citizen is the fictional newshound Les Nessman, Cincinnati’s remaining shell-shocked citizens have become accustomed to a host of degradations.

Inventive Cincinnatian Michelle Allen tried to do something a little different. Like so many of her fellow denizens of the Queen City, Allen aspired to further rend the delicate skein of civilization which binds the troubled city, and not only that, but to do it with panache.  Any liquored-up idiot, she reasoned, could twice encounter the police after urinating on a neighbor’s porch and then chasing frightened children into traffic. Determined not to be just ‘anybody,’ Allen performed this terrifying Margot Kidder impersonation while dressed as a hideous cow-woman.

Really, This Has Just As Much Merit As Almost Any Other Form Of Performance Art.

***

Rubbing Kids the Wrong Way

Who Wouldn't Want This Friendly Fellow All Up In His Or Her Personal Space?

The line between sports fandom and dangerous lunacy has always been precariously thin, nevermore so than in today’s fractured, tribal climate. Sherwin Shayegan, known to the public as the ‘Piggyback Bandit’, not only crosses that line, but stomps its face against the curb until it’s a bleeding, mewling mess begging for the numbing embrace of sweet, sweet death.

Despite the cute nickname, Shayegan is a creepo of the first order. Shayegan recently gained notoriety after he was banned from a number of high schools for a string of athletic-related indecencies. The Piggyback Bandit, it turns out, isn’t just an athletic supporter, but also a fan of both frottage and of the firm, sweaty backsides of high school athletes. During athletic events, Shayegan surprises both the audience and the athletes alike with a little something extra to take home with them, dashing from the crowd and leaping upon the players’ backs with all the joy and fervor of a leg-humping dog.

"itsalmostoveritsalmostoveritsalmostoveritsalmostover"

***

Deranged Dachshund’s Drug-Addled Death a Definite Downer

"Y'know,I've Found That If I Ingest Copious Quantities Of Psychedelics, Bands Like Phish And Dave Matthews Don't Sound So Much Like Ass Set To A Tune."

It’s not just humans who enjoy experimenting with dangerous, mind-altering substances. Everybody knows what happens when you give your cat catnip, and holding a dog down while you blow marijuana smoke in its face is a time-honored rite of young adulthood. In college, Smaktakula’s beloved pet rat was a bold psychonaut and an ongoing experiment in the thresholds of the chemical experience.¹ Critters like to party, too.

But just like people, some animals can’t handle their drugs. Just one of these such creatures was Oscar the long-haired dachshund. Oscar had apparently been pestering Nicholas Modrich and Jamie Hughes, the fry-loving burnouts with whom he shared an apartment, to share some of their hoard of hallucinogens, until the couple finally relented, dosing the pestering pooch. As an irritating little freakdog, it would be assumed that the tiny creature would be prepared for an eight-hour mind fuck and Technicolor light show.² Sadly, this appears not to be the case, and little Oscar completely lost his shit. Although the evening was highlighted by a madcap, semi-nude chase through the hallucinatory streets of Snellville, Georgia, the evening ended in tragedy when the frenzied dog encountered a moving vehicle that was most definitely not an hallucination.

Drugs Aren't As Much Of A Threat To Society As Are Some Of The Assholes Who Take Them.

¹ I miss you still, Short Bus. Old friend–this cold, wicked world was never made for one so beautiful as you. < S.
² This becomes all the more remarkable when it is remembered that dogs cannot see color. ∞ T.

Headlines 10.19.11

19 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, Music, News, Religion, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ABBA, Adolf Hitler, bad cops, Bar Harbor, Barry Zito, Beacon Hill, cannabis, Casey Anthony, childhood obesity, Coors, Coors is horse piss, country music, dope, drugs, fat kids, fat people, gay people, Georgia, Germany, Happy Days, headlines, Hebrew Nationals, Hugh Hefner, HURRR!, Jennifer Lopez, jerky, LAPD, Maine, Marc Anthony, marijuana, Miller, NAACP, obesity, piñata, police brutality, Pope Benedict XVI, pot, Pringles, quaint lighthouses, reefer, revenge shooting, Rodney King, sharks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Space Shuttle, Space Shuttle Atlantis, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, VE Day, weed, whitey, Why am I so fat?, WWII

By Smaktakula

Yeah, But France Was Smart Enough To Quit Before Anyone Got Hurt.

Nothing but headlines.  You should know by now, folks–we don’t read so well.

***

Hugh Hefner Already Has New Girlfriend ~ However, her name is being withheld since she’s a minor.

Confessions of a Gay Christian Country Singer  ~ My dog died, my truck done broke, I got stinkin’ drunk and then I hit the clubs with Jesus and danced the night away to ABBA mashups, out of my fucking head on two hits of E and a little crystal.

36 Hours in Bar Harbor, Me. ~ “Oh, look–Another lighthouse–and even quainter than the last.  I wish I were dead.”

Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a bad boy.

“Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted To The Fullest Extent Of The Law.”

Trip to Minors gives Zito new perspective ~ For one, the weed is different in Fresno.

Pope Benedict XVI Praises Jesus In First Ever Tweet ~ Considering that the Pope’s phone was purchased with company money, it makes sense that his first tweet would be big ups to the boss.

Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~To hear the NAACP tell it, Whitey’s influence goes a lot deeper than that.

Do Obese Kids Need to be Placed in Foster Care? ~ Being a foster parent is a tough enough job without having to spend the extra dough to feed these human baleen.

He Pays For Himself. Check The Folds Once A Month And Collect The Accumulated Loose Change.

Casey Anthony jurors explain their thinking ~ HURRRRRRRR!

Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.

Happy Days actors accuse CBS of ‘despicable conduct’  ~ According to the group’s spokesman, R. Malph, CBS can “Sit on it, Bucko!”

Hitler’s Talking Dogs ~ Ärfen! Ärfen!

At Least He Fed Them Well.

MillerCoors kicked off state shelves ~ People were forced to drink beer that wasn’t carbonated jackal  piss.

What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich.  What?  You asked.

Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony call it quits ~ If these two lovebirds can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Shuttle Atlantis’ Astronauts Get Sunday Off in Space ~ “Hey, Stu–how did you spend your day off?”  *** “How do you think?  Floating around in this high-tech Pringles can–same as you.  God, you’re such a fucking asshole.”

Rodney King busted on suspicion of driving under the influence in California ~ OFFICERS ADVISED TO PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

‘Person’ And ‘Piñata’: Two Terms Often Confused By The LAPD.

Old Lady Takes Out Armenia’s Internet

07 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Armenia, Armenian Genocide, Armenian Holocaust, Azerbaijan, freaky things people eat, genocide, Georgia, Holocaust, internet, Turkey, yogurt soda

By Smaktakula

Even With The Internet Down, This Armenian Super-Computer Still Has A Utilitarian Function.

An elderly Georgian woman is facing legal action after accidentally terminating internet service to Armenia.  This is an especially hard blow for the tiny temporary country, which is said to be struggling to find its feet and constantly on guard against neighbor and historical enemy Turkey, which tends to erase Armenia from the map every couple of generations.

Technology Problems Can Be Devastating For A Culture Which Has Yet To Discover Edible Food.

The elderly prankster says she was digging for copper when she inadvertently stripped the data-carrying line, causing the data outage in Armenia, as well as in some parts of Georgia and Azerbaijan.  Although authorities fixed the problem within a few hours, the incident was said to be a tremendous inconvenience for the dozen or so Armenians familiar with the internet.

"Without The Internet, How Can I Send Out My Daily Reminder About The Armenian Holocaust? It's Not Fair--Everybody Talks About The Jewish Holocaust, But We Had Ours First, And It Was Way Better."

All-Star Celebarrassments: Billy Carter

03 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

alcohol abuse, Anti-Defamation League of the B'nai B'rith, Arabs, Atlanta, Bill Clinton, Bill vs. Jimmy, Billy Beer, Billy Carter, celebarrassments, death by pancreatic cancer, down syndrome, down's syndrome, Georgia, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Jews, Jimmy Carter, Mark Thatcher, methamphetamine, Muammar al-Gaddafi, pancreatic cancer, President Carter, President Clinton, Redneck Power!, Roger Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Schlitz, slackjawed halfwits, Ted Kennedy, Twins, William Alton Carter III, Zeituni Onyango

By Smaktakula

We Don't Really Need A Caption For This One: The Man Was A Half-Wit.

“The Embryo split in two, but it didn’t split equally.  All the purity and strength went into Julius.  All the crap that was left over went into what you see in the mirror every morning.”

Twins (1988)

There is one man beside whom all other celebarrasments* pale in comparison, an iconic vision of wasted genes to whom the likes of Roger Clinton, Zeituni Onyango and Mark Thatcher must all take a back seat.  Billy Carter was the alpha and omega of cringeworthy relations.

"Hell No, You Can't Drive! Damn It, Rog--You're Lucky To Be Here After What Happened At Chelsea's Wedding. Yeah, Well Maybe I Wouldn't Have To Keep Bringing It Up If You'd Stop Acting Like A Horse's Ass."

Although James Earl Carter was very nearly a Rhodes Scholar, little brother Billy had trouble simply walking upright.  Where the elder Carter boy tended to be precise and methodical, Billy was full of alcohol-fueled bombast.  Billy stuck to Jimmy like gum on a tennis shoe until late in the beleaguered Carter Presidency, when facing a primary challenge from party loyalist Ted Kennedy, Jimmy was forced to denounce his brother.

It Runs On Redneck Power. Just Fill 'Er Up With Methamphetamine & Schlitz And Watch That Baby Go!"

Until then, however, Billy was able to wreak all manner of mischief.  His disastrous sponsorship of Billy Beer only highlighted his pitiable alcoholism.  Likewise, pissing on the tarmac of the Atlanta airport in full sight of the press while awaiting the arrival a Libyan cohort from whose terror-funding government he took a variety of gifts and payments did little to help his brother’s malaise-ridden presidency.

Some Cases Of Down Syndrome Go Undiagnosed For Years.

The Anti-Defamation League of the B’nai B’rith called out Billy for his unseemly relationship with Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi, but the slack-jawed redneck wasn’t concerned.  Said Billy sagely, “All I can say is there is a hell of a lot more Arabs than there is Jews.”

Billy Was Proud Of His Business Acumen. On His Decision To Do Business With Libyans Rather Than Jews: "Sorry Fellers, But I Got To Go With Them What Knows How To Make Some Money!"

Although Billy Carter would live until pancreatic cancer claimed him at the age of 51 in 1988, in many ways he died on January 20th, 1981 as Ronald Reagan took office.  It was as if after a dismal economy, the 444-day hostage crisis and an electoral beatdown at the hands of Reagan, Jimmy Carter’s presidential legacy was already in tatters, and there was nothing left for Billy to do.

"Y'Hear That? No President IN HISTORY Has Had A More Embarrassing Relative. Not Just 'The Second Half Of The 20th Century,' So You Can Put That In Your Cigar And Smoke It."

* Celebarrassment (n) [sel-uh-BAR-uhs-ment] The embarrassing relative of a celebrity or other important figure.  © 2010 Promethean Times.

An Amtrak Murder Mystery!

20 Monday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Agatha Christie, Amtrak, Barbara Arteta, broken neck, death by train, Did she jump or was she pushed?, Florida, Georgia, Greyhound, It's always the husband, murder, Murder on the Olahatchee Express, murdering spouses, mysterious death, rolling bedlam, Sanford, train travel, trains, Wayne County, white trash

By Smaktakula

In rural Wayne County, Georgia, no one expected to find a corpse lying alongside the train tracks.  The body, belonging to a middle-aged white woman, had a broken neck, as well as other injuries.

The New Amtrak Promises Heart-Pounding Excitement. The Decrepit Spinster Who Babbles Incessantly About Her 12 Cats Named 'Muffin' May Just Be A Murderess!

The victim was Barbara Arteta, an Amtrak passenger destined for Sanford, Florida.  Arteta had been reported missing earlier by her husband when she failed to appear at the Sanford station.  Authorities are unable to determine if Arteta was pushed or if she jumped, but since she was not in possession of the $1,000 in cash her family told investigators she was carrying, authorities are calling the death ‘suspicious.’

The situation is not unlike an Agatha Christie murder mystery, with the exception that whereas Christie’s murders were almost always executed with panache and cunning, the real-life slaying is a ham-fisted act of grotesque brutality.  Also, rather than genteel Englishpersons and their silent, darting servants, the motley cast of characters involved in Arteta’s drama are most likely reminiscent of escapees from a Depression-Era freak show.

Any One Of Them Could Have Done It: The Train Passengers Pose With Barbara Arteta's Grieving Husband.

Authorities are questioning the other passengers, but they are not optimistic that a clear answer will reveal itself any time soon.  Until the police unearth some firm leads, Barbara Arteta’s final moments will remain a mystery.

Meanwhile, Greyhound’s corporate officers are said to be delighted that Amtrak’s murder woes have helped the travelling public forget that not only does the craziness found on a single cross-country bus make New York’s Bellevue Hospital seem like a nursing home quilting bee by comparison, but that buses are basically Honeybuckets on wheels.

Don't Make The Same Mistake Babs Did: Keep At Least One Nice Photo Around The House So That If You Are Murdered Or Disappear Mysteriously, You Won't Be Posthumously Humiliated By Your Televised Image.

Promethean Times‘ irresponsible and unfounded determination of the guilty party:  It was the husband.  It’s always the husband.

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