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Tag Archives: Iranian Hostage Crisis

Headlines 11.09.11

09 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1%, 99%, AIDS, Allah, Ashton Kutcher, boobs, breasts, death by falling, Demi Moore, Erasure, fecal transplant, gay people, geeks, George Lucas, gonorrhea, headlines, homosexuals, Indiana Jones, Iran, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Madonna, Michael Moore, Mississippi, NBA, perverted science, Steven Spielberg, Tennessee, Uganda, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

The Devil You Say!

Promethean Times’ semi-regular celebration of illiteracy–we read the headlines and skip the articles.

***

Grandmother Gives Worst ‘Reason’ for Tossing 2-Year-Old Over Mall Balcony ~ Because there are so many good reasons for hurling your grandson to his death.

Ashton Kutcher Cheated on Demi Moore With 2 Girls in Hot Tub on Anniversary ~ Have a little sympathy.  It’s like the prettiest girl in class just woke up from a nightmare to discover she’s married to her mom.

Mississippi man leads anti-illegal-immigrant movement ~ This will undoubtedly harm Mississippi’s reputation as a progressive bastion.

The Many Splendors of Boobs ~ We’re with you on this one.

What’s Not To Like?

Gonorrhea is becoming ‘Incurable’ ~ AIDS, an increasing awareness of sexual harassment and now this.  It sucks to be a college student in 2011.

At 22, Tennessee woman is mom to 13 Ugandan children ~ Tramp.

German officials admit using spyware on citizens ~ A German official said, “Yeah, it’s bad to trample the civil rights of your own people like that.  But hey–we’ve done worse, right?”

Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.

Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.

They’ve Been Known To Let American Guests Stay For Up To 444 Days.

Would NBA players start their own league? ~ No doubt those financial maestros will turn the new enterprise into a gold mine.

Violinists play über-sized fiddle ~ Can you just say ‘large?’

Man Beats His Wife to Death for Understandable Reason ~ You’re going to have to narrow it down a bit.

Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.

How To Tell If Your Son Is Gay ~ Erasure albums.  Even one means the kid’s a homo.

Michael Moore confesses: I am the 1 percent ~ He ate the other 99%.

Still Fat.

Madonna’s brother is homeless ~ Newsflash: Madonna’s a shitty sister.

DOCTORS NOTE SUCCESS WITH ‘FECAL‘ TRANSPLANTS ~ Sometimes the key to saving your life is taking somebody else’s shit.

Spielberg tells Indiana Jones fans: ‘Crystal Skull’ was George’s idea ~ Throwing Lucas under the bus was Steve’s idea.

Geek image deters girls from cybersecurity careers ~ Mommy & Housewife don’t carry that geek image.

Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.

Despite Islam’s Proscription Against Pork, Some Dudes Have A Hard Time Staying Away From The Sausage.

MORE HEADLINES:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX

What The Hell, Bill?

19 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, History, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Bill Clinton, Bill vs. Jimmy, distorting the historical record, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter attacked by rabbit, Jimmy Carter fails to bring the hostages home, Jimmy Carter gives away the Panama Canal, Jimmy Carter kills a hooker, President Carter, President Clinton, well then what is the adverbial form of 'oxymoronic?'

By Smaktakula

"Hey Jimmy. You 'Member That Time You Were Attacked By A Rabbit?"

"Hoo-eey! That Was Some Funny Business, Let Me Tell You. That Mean Ol' Rabbit Justa Comin' After You . . ."

"That's Not How It Happened!"

"sniff"

"That's Not . . . Look--I Wasn't 'Attacked,' Okay? Forget What You've Heard, 'Cause The Only Thing True About That Story Is The Rabbit!"

"Go Easy, Old-Timer. I Believe You."

"It's Just Not Fair, Bill. All The Stuff That People Think They Remember About Me Is Mostly Lies Bundled In With Half-Truths. Nobody Remembers The Good Things I've Done."

"Jimmy, That's Just Not True. Everybody Knows About Your Work With Habitat For--"-

"I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT BUILDING GODDAMN HOUSES HERE, BILL!"

Bill Clinton Pictures

"I'm Sorry, Bill. That Was Uncalled For, And I Do Apologize."

"I Just Get So Mad When The Right Distorts My Record, And The Press Doesn't Bother To Call Them On It."

"'Jimmy Carter Didn't Do Enough To Get The Hostages Home From Iran. Jimmy Carter Gave Away The Panama Canal. Jimmy Carter Pardoned The Draft-Dodgers.'"

"But Look At All The Good We Were Able To Do. What About Peacemaking? The Peace Between Israel And Egypt Has Lasted A Heckuva Lot Longer Than Anyone Thought."

"Bill, Did You Hear What I Said?"

"Hmm? Oh, No Jimmy, I Didn't. Sorry. I Was Just Thinkin' About Somethin', Though--You 'Member That Time You Gave Away The Panama Canal?"

The ‘Rabbit Attack’ mentioned here is an actual historical nonevent. ∞ Oxymoronically Yours, T.

Plan To Strand Palin, Gosselin In Alaskan Wilderness Unsuccessful

27 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

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Tags

Adolf Hitler, Alaska, Alaskan wilderness, baby daddy, Christine Gregoire, douchebaggery, Emil Haagerdäddi, former vice-presidential candidate, Han Solo, Hillary Clinton, Iran, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Joe Biden, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Luke Skywalker, missed opportunities, Moose, moose attack, Operation Eagle Claw, plot, RNC, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin's Alaska, Secretary of State, sperm donor, The Empire Strikes Back, the plot to kill Hitler, United States of America, Vice President Biden, Washington State, Wasilla

By Smaktakula

They're Both Still With Us, By God.

Disappointment greeted the news of an unsuccessful attempt to doom Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin by stranding them in the Alaskan wilderness.  Crushed supporters likened the effort to other failed historical long shots, such as the Nazi plot to kill Hitler or the disastrous attempt by the United States to free hostages held in Iran.  Said a supporter of the plan, “It would have been worse not to try.”

Fact: From Certain Neighborhoods, You Can See Russia.

Several weeks ago, fans of shitty television were promised the reality team-up of the decade when vapid baby-factory Kate Gosselin visited gun-crazy former vice-presidential hockey-mom Sarah Palin in Alaska.  Sadly, as most viewers of Sarah Palin’s Alaska already know, the highly anticipated meeting came off with more of a whimper than a bang, with Gosselin leaving the set after storming off in a huff.  Recent revelations that the producers were part of a cabal which hoped to eliminate either one or both of the reality stars only add to the failed meeting’s disappointment.

There Is Precedent: This Unsuccessful Moose Attack On Washington Gov. Christine Gregoire Is Believed To Have Been Funded By The RNC.

Several weeks ago, TLC* paid to fly the increasingly uninteresting Gosselin and her brood to Alaska, where they would spend the night “roughing it” with Palin and a brigade of production staff.  Plotters determined that a single night was best, fearing that Gosselin would balk at a longer stint.  However, as so many have before, the conspirators failed to account for Gosselin’s complete lack of character; after complaining the entire time, Gosselin left a few hours into the shooting.

Many People Hoped That This Image Would Be The Last Thing To Go Through Kate Gosselin's Mind Before The Bullet.

The plan’s authors contend that only an hour or two more would have been sufficient to spring the trap.  “As soon as Palin and Gosselin had fallen asleep, all the supplies and crew were to be taken out on sleds, leaving the pair only the tents in which they were sleeping,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, an expert with the Center for Conspiracy and Mind Control.  He adds, “The plotters were still debating whether to take the children with the crew or leave them to fend with the doomed pair when Gosselin stormed off.  It came so close to working.”

Kate And Sperm Donor/Babydaddy. Let's Hope The Kids Don't Get His Hair Or His Height. Or His General Air Of High Douchebaggery.

According to one of the conspirators, it was hoped that the operation would result in the loss of at least one of the annoying television fixtures.  “Best case scenario, we get them both,” says a man who will only give his name as ‘Patchouli.’  But the plotters made clear that they would consider the mission successful if either Palin or Gosselin were removed from the public scene.
Most observers thought it likely that the former Governor would get the better of Gosselin in a straight up fight, possibly cannibalizing the former reality star.  “We envisioned Palin cocooning herself within Gosselin’s carcass for warmth, in much the same way as Han Solo did for Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back,” said Patchouli.

It Was Thought That Sarah Might Survive In Much The Same Way.

But thanks to Gosselin’s mercurial nature, the strictures imposed by a television shooting schedule and plain old bad luck, Sarah and Kate’s Wild Wilderness Adventure is destined never to happen.  The world will go on as it always has, new controversies arising to distract humanity from the old.  Still, in the coming months and years, it will be nearly impossible to see either woman’s grinning image on television without wondering silently, “What if?”

According To Beltway Rumors, If The Plot Had Been Successful, President Obama Planned To Send VP Biden And Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton To Alaska Next Year.

* Once upon a time, TLC was able to call itself ‘The Learning Channel’ while keeping a straight face.

All-Star Celebarrassments: Billy Carter

03 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

alcohol abuse, Anti-Defamation League of the B'nai B'rith, Arabs, Atlanta, Bill Clinton, Bill vs. Jimmy, Billy Beer, Billy Carter, celebarrassments, death by pancreatic cancer, down syndrome, down's syndrome, Georgia, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Jews, Jimmy Carter, Mark Thatcher, methamphetamine, Muammar al-Gaddafi, pancreatic cancer, President Carter, President Clinton, Redneck Power!, Roger Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Schlitz, slackjawed halfwits, Ted Kennedy, Twins, William Alton Carter III, Zeituni Onyango

By Smaktakula

We Don't Really Need A Caption For This One: The Man Was A Half-Wit.

“The Embryo split in two, but it didn’t split equally.  All the purity and strength went into Julius.  All the crap that was left over went into what you see in the mirror every morning.”

Twins (1988)

There is one man beside whom all other celebarrasments* pale in comparison, an iconic vision of wasted genes to whom the likes of Roger Clinton, Zeituni Onyango and Mark Thatcher must all take a back seat.  Billy Carter was the alpha and omega of cringeworthy relations.

"Hell No, You Can't Drive! Damn It, Rog--You're Lucky To Be Here After What Happened At Chelsea's Wedding. Yeah, Well Maybe I Wouldn't Have To Keep Bringing It Up If You'd Stop Acting Like A Horse's Ass."

Although James Earl Carter was very nearly a Rhodes Scholar, little brother Billy had trouble simply walking upright.  Where the elder Carter boy tended to be precise and methodical, Billy was full of alcohol-fueled bombast.  Billy stuck to Jimmy like gum on a tennis shoe until late in the beleaguered Carter Presidency, when facing a primary challenge from party loyalist Ted Kennedy, Jimmy was forced to denounce his brother.

It Runs On Redneck Power. Just Fill 'Er Up With Methamphetamine & Schlitz And Watch That Baby Go!"

Until then, however, Billy was able to wreak all manner of mischief.  His disastrous sponsorship of Billy Beer only highlighted his pitiable alcoholism.  Likewise, pissing on the tarmac of the Atlanta airport in full sight of the press while awaiting the arrival a Libyan cohort from whose terror-funding government he took a variety of gifts and payments did little to help his brother’s malaise-ridden presidency.

Some Cases Of Down Syndrome Go Undiagnosed For Years.

The Anti-Defamation League of the B’nai B’rith called out Billy for his unseemly relationship with Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi, but the slack-jawed redneck wasn’t concerned.  Said Billy sagely, “All I can say is there is a hell of a lot more Arabs than there is Jews.”

Billy Was Proud Of His Business Acumen. On His Decision To Do Business With Libyans Rather Than Jews: "Sorry Fellers, But I Got To Go With Them What Knows How To Make Some Money!"

Although Billy Carter would live until pancreatic cancer claimed him at the age of 51 in 1988, in many ways he died on January 20th, 1981 as Ronald Reagan took office.  It was as if after a dismal economy, the 444-day hostage crisis and an electoral beatdown at the hands of Reagan, Jimmy Carter’s presidential legacy was already in tatters, and there was nothing left for Billy to do.

"Y'Hear That? No President IN HISTORY Has Had A More Embarrassing Relative. Not Just 'The Second Half Of The 20th Century,' So You Can Put That In Your Cigar And Smoke It."

* Celebarrassment (n) [sel-uh-BAR-uhs-ment] The embarrassing relative of a celebrity or other important figure.  © 2010 Promethean Times.

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