By Tardsie

Some Humor Doesn’t Mean To Be Inappropriate, It Just Is.

After the King James Bible and Judy Blume’s Forever, which respectively served as the imprimatur for my troubling moral rigidity and taught me everything I needed to know about sex, no book has exerted quite so profound an impact on my development as has Julius Alvin’s indispensible compendium, Gross Jokes.

We Read It In The Fifth Grade, But It Would Be Years Before We Could Put Its Teachings To Good Use.

This delightful piece of Americana is a relic of a bygone age.  Its anachronistic offensiveness harkens back to an era in which the culture hadn’t yet discovered its inner pussy or began to counter the messy inclusiveness of wide-ranging speech with an antiseptic circumspection and a compulsion for self-censorship bordering on mania. Nowadays, the list of lifestyles and affiliations which can be safely mocked has dwindled to near-insignificance.

It’s Still Safe To Kick The Mormons, Though. What Are They Always So Happy About, Anyway? Fucking Weirdos.

Gross Jokes is, if not a breath of fresh air in these stuffy times, then at least a pungent fart in society’s plastic-lined cleanroom. Dedicated to Helen Keller (she’ll apparently be reading the audio version, which has been re-titled Y34jk3k Bdkddd for the occasion), and with chapter headings such as Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes, Vulgar Cripple Jokes, Indecent Religious Jokes, Foul Homosexual Jokes, Lewd Senior Citizen Jokes and Simply Disgusting, Gross Jokes is clearly something special.

Is This Really How We Want To Live?

Very few of the jokes contained in this volume are suitable for print even in these pages. It is a testament to the power of Gross Jokes that a significant portion of its contents offends even our attenuated sense of propriety. However, to give you an idea of the range and beauty of this masterwork, we present the following excerpts:

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Why are just-deflowered virgins like the warships in Pearl Harbor after the Japanese bombing?

Because their cock-pits are full of bloody semen.

Yeah, We’ve Sullied It For You. Whatever–9/11’s Our Big National Tragedy Now, Anyway.

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A man called his friend in the middle of the night and said, “Fred, I’m really worried about Mary. She wasn’t here when I got home from work and I still haven’t heard from her. And you know how depressed she gets at times since her mastectomy.”

Fred tried to reassure him. “Maybe she’s just visiting a friend.”

“I doubt it,” the man said glumly. “She left her tits here.”

We Made A Lot Of Friends With That One, Huh?

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What do you do with dead baby twins?

Use one to swat the flies swarming around the other.

Just Think Of All The Heartache Inflicted On Parents By LIVING Instances Of This Genetic Anomaly.

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Judy Blume, Jesus & Julius Alvin: Now Do You Better Understand Both The Nature And Depth Of Our Sickness?