07 Friday Dec 2012
Posted in History
On which the Japanese imitation of American culture and technology reaches its zenith, when the Japanese government, eager to benefit from Western knowledge, sets off a chain of events which results in its learning a very big lesson.
Although It Took Four Long Years Before The US Could Return The Favor, All Parties Agreed It Was A Blowout For The Ages.
07 Friday Sep 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, History
Tags
America--Fuck Yeah!, Bob Dylan, Cormac McCarthy, Edgar Lee Masters, Friederich Nietzsche, Les Miserables, No Country For Old Men, Pearl Harbor, Primo Levi, quotations, Richard Adams, Salman Rushdie, Spoon River Anthology, Survival in Auschwitz, the Exodus, the Greatest Generation, The Ground Beneath Her Feet, The Reivers, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Victor Hugo, Watership Down, William Faulkner, Winston Churchill, You Jivin' Me Turkey?
You Won’t Find The Really Good Ones In Here.
We very much appreciate a piece of well-expressed wisdom. For this reason among so many others, we have continued to compile over the years a collection of quotations which not only inspire us, but inform the philosophy which has thus far guided us through a life which has been pretty damn awesome.
Taking our inspiration from Bad Brad, the eccentrically eclectic force behind You Jivin’ Me Turkey?, who never fails to find powerfully affecting–and largely unfamiliar–quotations, we’d like to start your weekend with some of the passages that figure most centrally in our own lives. And just as our lives are improved in some measure by the unexpected wisdom curated by folks like Brad, we hope that you will find something in what follows which speaks to your own journey. Have a great weekend, folks!
This Is An Actual Photo Of Brad. He Has A Condition Which Makes Him Look Like An Animated Character. Don’t Make Fun.
The Difference Between The Two Of You Is That You See The End Coming. So Why Not Live It The Best You Can?
The Main Reason Winston Churchill Was Able To Achieve Renown As One Of History’s Greatest Englishmen Was That He Was Half-American.
So Buck Up, Pussy!
We Always Thought Watership Down Was About A Bunch Of Rabbits.
We Know That Forgiving Yourself Was Never Going To Happen. Remember, Though–For Those Who Loved You, It Wasn’t A Betrayal But A Miracle.
06 Thursday Sep 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity
Tags
9/11, Forever, fun with stereotypes, Great Books of the Western Tradition, Gross Jokes, inappropriate humor, Jesus, Judy Blume, Julius Alvin, Miss You Mom, Pearl Harbor, the Bible, Twins
Some Humor Doesn’t Mean To Be Inappropriate, It Just Is.
After the King James Bible and Judy Blume’s Forever, which respectively served as the imprimatur for my troubling moral rigidity and taught me everything I needed to know about sex, no book has exerted quite so profound an impact on my development as has Julius Alvin’s indispensible compendium, Gross Jokes.
We Read It In The Fifth Grade, But It Would Be Years Before We Could Put Its Teachings To Good Use.
This delightful piece of Americana is a relic of a bygone age. Its anachronistic offensiveness harkens back to an era in which the culture hadn’t yet discovered its inner pussy or began to counter the messy inclusiveness of wide-ranging speech with an antiseptic circumspection and a compulsion for self-censorship bordering on mania. Nowadays, the list of lifestyles and affiliations which can be safely mocked has dwindled to near-insignificance.
It’s Still Safe To Kick The Mormons, Though. What Are They Always So Happy About, Anyway? Fucking Weirdos.
Gross Jokes is, if not a breath of fresh air in these stuffy times, then at least a pungent fart in society’s plastic-lined cleanroom. Dedicated to Helen Keller (she’ll apparently be reading the audio version, which has been re-titled Y34jk3k Bdkddd for the occasion), and with chapter headings such as Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes, Vulgar Cripple Jokes, Indecent Religious Jokes, Foul Homosexual Jokes, Lewd Senior Citizen Jokes and Simply Disgusting, Gross Jokes is clearly something special.
Is This Really How We Want To Live?
Very few of the jokes contained in this volume are suitable for print even in these pages. It is a testament to the power of Gross Jokes that a significant portion of its contents offends even our attenuated sense of propriety. However, to give you an idea of the range and beauty of this masterwork, we present the following excerpts:
Yeah, We’ve Sullied It For You. Whatever–9/11’s Our Big National Tragedy Now, Anyway.
We Made A Lot Of Friends With That One, Huh?
Just Think Of All The Heartache Inflicted On Parents By LIVING Instances Of This Genetic Anomaly.
Judy Blume, Jesus & Julius Alvin: Now Do You Better Understand Both The Nature And Depth Of Our Sickness?
25 Tuesday Oct 2011
Tags
9/11, al Qaeda, anti-semitism, Axis of Evil, comical despots, George W. Bush, Holocaust, inside job, Iran, Israel, jealousy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Pearl Harbor, places that suck, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, The Great Satan, Twin Towers, United States of America, Yakov Smirnoff
Ahmadinejad Resembles Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, But The Similarities End There: The Iranian President Is Actually Quite Funny.
Tiny nutjob Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can always be counted on to publicly propound a plethora of preposterous political theories and irresponsible historical revisionism. Over the years, Iran’s pint-sized potentate has kept his many apologists busy explaining away such bellicose assertions as “Israel must be wiped off the map,” and tired claims that the Holocaust is a Jewish fiction. Ahmadinejad’s statements regarding the events of September 11th, 2001, the catalyst for the United States’ War on Terror, have left his defenders scrambling, and have unexpectedly invited criticism from within the Axis of Evil.
Like so many others before him, Ahmadinejad likes to make hay with the idea that the horrific events of September 11th, 2001 were an inside job. This theory has gained some traction among the mouth-breathing element of the population, embarrassingly eager to believe George W. Bush the evil genius behind the sinister machinations. Promethean Times has long asserted that the actual culprit behind the Twin Tower Attacks was the nefarious Saddam Hussein.
Sooner Or Later, Everything Turns Out To Be An Inside Job.
Jewish groups have long met with opprobrium Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic rants and repeated calls for the destruction of Israel, but now factions within the Islamofascist community have begun to chafe under Ahmadinejad’s comments. It seems that the boys in al Qaeda–Ahmadinejad’s erstwhile allies in despising anything Western or fun–have a bone to pick with the pint-sized Persian.
The feared international terrorist organization has grown weary of Ahmadinejad’s constantly blaming the United States for the events of 9/11. Al Qaeda wants to make it very clear, that they–and not a sinister cabal within the United States–planned and executed the tragedy. Al Qaeda claims that the Iranian president–who most observers agree would piss himself to inflict upon the Great Satan just a tenth of what al Qaeda was able to achieve– is deliberately misattributing their historic actions to an internal American plot for no reason other than simple jealousy.
Let's Give Credit Where Credit Is Due.
07 Tuesday Dec 2010
Tags
64-Bit Wars, a date which will live in infamy, Baby Boomers, December 7, Isoroku Yamamoto, Japan, Japanese Empire, Pearl Harbor, sneak attack, Surprise!, the Arizona, the Greatest Generation, this day in history, Tora! Tora! Tora!, Uncle Giuseppe, United States of America, US Navy, World War II
On which itchy trigger fingers within the Japanese Empire are at least a generation premature in precipitating a war with America, finding Greatest Generation Americans not to be the vacuous, lazy, self-indulgent whiners their children will become.
Forever Haunted By His Propaganda Work For The Japanese During The 64-Bit Wars And Ostracized By The Italian-American Community As An "Uncle Giuseppe," Mario Died A Broken, Highly-Pixelated Man.
