After the King James Bible and Judy Blume’s Forever, which respectively served as the imprimatur for my troubling moral rigidity and taught me everything I needed to know about sex, no book has exerted quite so profound an impact on my development as has Julius Alvin’s indispensible compendium, Gross Jokes.
This delightful piece of Americana is a relic of a bygone age. Its anachronistic offensiveness harkens back to an era in which the culture hadn’t yet discovered its inner pussy or began to counter the messy inclusiveness of wide-ranging speech with an antiseptic circumspection and a compulsion for self-censorship bordering on mania. Nowadays, the list of lifestyles and affiliations which can be safely mocked has dwindled to near-insignificance.
Gross Jokes is, if not a breath of fresh air in these stuffy times, then at least a pungent fart in society’s plastic-lined cleanroom. Dedicated to Helen Keller (she’ll apparently be reading the audio version, which has been re-titled Y34jk3k Bdkddd for the occasion), and with chapter headings such as Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes, Vulgar Cripple Jokes, Indecent Religious Jokes, Foul Homosexual Jokes, Lewd Senior Citizen Jokes and Simply Disgusting, Gross Jokes is clearly something special.
Very few of the jokes contained in this volume are suitable for print even in these pages. It is a testament to the power of Gross Jokes that a significant portion of its contents offends even our attenuated sense of propriety. However, to give you an idea of the range and beauty of this masterwork, we present the following excerpts:
Why are just-deflowered virgins like the warships in Pearl Harbor after the Japanese bombing?
Because their cock-pits are full of bloody semen.
A man called his friend in the middle of the night and said, “Fred, I’m really worried about Mary. She wasn’t here when I got home from work and I still haven’t heard from her. And you know how depressed she gets at times since her mastectomy.”
Fred tried to reassure him. “Maybe she’s just visiting a friend.”
“I doubt it,” the man said glumly. “She left her tits here.”
What do you do with dead baby twins?
Use one to swat the flies swarming around the other.
AIDS, burning the Koran, censorship, Christianity, Christians, Coptic Christians, cowardice, double standard, First Amendment, GodBGone, Holy of Holies, hypocrisy, Islam, Jesus, Jesus of Nazareth, Koran, Mohammed, muslims, persecuted Christians, religious persecution, Smithsonian Institution, the Christ, The Passion
The Smithsonian Institution has agreed to withdraw a controversial art piece which Christian groups have labelled offensive. Some observers are shocked at the speed with which the Smithsonian gave in to the Christians’ demands, especially after it was revealed that the evangelical groups had not made any threats of violence.
“Obviously, the Smithsonian jumped the gun,” said Lydia Blatt, spokesperson for the atheist group GodBGone. “The Christian groups who supposedly oppose this art installation can’t be bothered to so much as threaten to punch a guard in the nose. Really, how offended can they be?”
Others deny that the material is at all offensive. “I regret that some reports about the exhibit have created an impression that the video is intentionally sacrilegious,” said Martin Sullivan, director of the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery, of the video which depicts a crucified Christ covered in ants.
We must agree with Sullivan when he says that “the artist’s intention was to depict the suffering of an AIDS victim.” A reasonable person would really have to stretch to imagine that a depiction of the Holy of Holies bathed in carrion-eaters could somehow be offensive. That the dread disease has become commonly associated with the Christian Savior covered with ants at the moment of His Passion should be common knowledge to just about everybody.
Lastly, Sullivan added, “Look, this is a simple issue of the First Amendment, and needs to be put into perspective. I mean, it’s not like we threatened to burn a Koran or anything.”