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Tag Archives: the Bible

Life-Changing Literature: Gross Jokes

06 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

9/11, Forever, fun with stereotypes, Great Books of the Western Tradition, Gross Jokes, inappropriate humor, Jesus, Judy Blume, Julius Alvin, Miss You Mom, Pearl Harbor, the Bible, Twins

By Tardsie

Some Humor Doesn’t Mean To Be Inappropriate, It Just Is.

After the King James Bible and Judy Blume’s Forever, which respectively served as the imprimatur for my troubling moral rigidity and taught me everything I needed to know about sex, no book has exerted quite so profound an impact on my development as has Julius Alvin’s indispensible compendium, Gross Jokes.

We Read It In The Fifth Grade, But It Would Be Years Before We Could Put Its Teachings To Good Use.

This delightful piece of Americana is a relic of a bygone age.  Its anachronistic offensiveness harkens back to an era in which the culture hadn’t yet discovered its inner pussy or began to counter the messy inclusiveness of wide-ranging speech with an antiseptic circumspection and a compulsion for self-censorship bordering on mania. Nowadays, the list of lifestyles and affiliations which can be safely mocked has dwindled to near-insignificance.

It’s Still Safe To Kick The Mormons, Though. What Are They Always So Happy About, Anyway? Fucking Weirdos.

Gross Jokes is, if not a breath of fresh air in these stuffy times, then at least a pungent fart in society’s plastic-lined cleanroom. Dedicated to Helen Keller (she’ll apparently be reading the audio version, which has been re-titled Y34jk3k Bdkddd for the occasion), and with chapter headings such as Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes, Vulgar Cripple Jokes, Indecent Religious Jokes, Foul Homosexual Jokes, Lewd Senior Citizen Jokes and Simply Disgusting, Gross Jokes is clearly something special.

Is This Really How We Want To Live?

Very few of the jokes contained in this volume are suitable for print even in these pages. It is a testament to the power of Gross Jokes that a significant portion of its contents offends even our attenuated sense of propriety. However, to give you an idea of the range and beauty of this masterwork, we present the following excerpts:

***

Why are just-deflowered virgins like the warships in Pearl Harbor after the Japanese bombing?
Because their cock-pits are full of bloody semen.

Yeah, We’ve Sullied It For You. Whatever–9/11’s Our Big National Tragedy Now, Anyway.

***

A man called his friend in the middle of the night and said, “Fred, I’m really worried about Mary. She wasn’t here when I got home from work and I still haven’t heard from her. And you know how depressed she gets at times since her mastectomy.”
Fred tried to reassure him. “Maybe she’s just visiting a friend.”
“I doubt it,” the man said glumly. “She left her tits here.”

We Made A Lot Of Friends With That One, Huh?

***

What do you do with dead baby twins?
Use one to swat the flies swarming around the other.

Just Think Of All The Heartache Inflicted On Parents By LIVING Instances Of This Genetic Anomaly.

***

Judy Blume, Jesus & Julius Alvin: Now Do You Better Understand Both The Nature And Depth Of Our Sickness?

Almighty Offensive

17 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

action figures, Almighty Heroes, blasphemy for profit, Carrot Top should just be happy someone remembers him, Christianity, consumerism, cynical profiteering, Daniel, Davey & Goliath, David, Deborah, Delilah, Don Levine, Egypt, Evangelicals, faux Christianity, for-profit prophets, fuck dolls, Goliath, Inviolable Word of the Almighty, Jonah, Judaism, Moses, Old Testament, Pharoah, Psalms, Red Sea, Samson, Tardsie The Backpack, the Bible, the Word of God, things stoned people might purchase

By Smaktakula

In The Beginning, Don Created GI Joe, And Saw That It Was Lucrative.

Children love to hear Bible stories, and those from the Old Testament–when Jehovah was still doing a lot smiting–can be some of the most exciting.  One thing kids like even better than hearing Old Testament Bible stories is reenacting those stories with grotesquely-proportioned Biblically-themed action figures. For years such a product remained elusive.

"He Maketh YOU Lie Down By Still Waters, MoFo!"

Now that gap has been filled with for-profit prophets: Enter The Almighty Heroes!

  • Moses:  Adopted by a foster-mother unaware his secret Jewish identity, the young Moses grew to be a mighty champion of the people.  The Pharoah’s legions couldn’t catch him, and the Red Sea couldn’t stop him in his search for the Promise Land.  Battle Cry: “Let My People Go!”
  • Samson: With bitchin’ hair and a cut bod, Samson was the BC Fabio.  Armed with nothing more than the jawbone of an ass, Samson wages battle with his untrustworthy frenemy Delilah at his side, fighting for justice against such foes as Harry the Depilator.
  • Daniel:  When young Daniel was cast into the lion’s den, no one thought he could survive.  But when a stray lightning bolt struck just as a lion was about to pounce on the frightened prophet, Daniel was miraculously transformed into something more.  With great power comes great responsibility, and Daniel pledged to himself never again to shirk.  Now, with his ever-present lion sidekick Redeemon at his side, he fights crime with a roar.
  • David:  The red-headed rascal who would be king.  A talented multi-instrumentalist and gifted lyricist, David was a lover and not a fighter.  But when the chips were down, David showed he wasn’t afraid to do the hard work, be it slaying a giant with a single stone or sending a loyal soldier to his death that David might possess the man’s wife.  Even though he’s God’s favorite, David plays by his own rules.
  • Deborah:  Deborah rates inclusion for being the most famous Old Testament female who wore clothes.
  • Goliath:  Not really a hero, per se.

Carrot Top Had Second Thoughts About Selling His Likeness For Use As A Toy. But Who Could Say No To Those Breasts?

These evangelical avengers are the brainchild of Donald Levine, the creator of the original G.I. Joe.  Levine’s company, Almighty Heroes Media Group, was created to address a toy shortfall in the Christian marketplace.  Not at all ironically, Levine is Jewish.

davy_goliath.jpg davey and goliath image by SKunker101

"Gosh, Davey--I Think It's Super That You Learned A Very Valuable Lesson. But I Meant It When I Said I'd Tear Your Throat Out If You Pulled That Shit Again."

Some people might think it a tad vulgar to so shamelessly profit from a religion of which he isn’t a member, but Levine’s defenders are quick to add that all these Old Testament characters are very much a part of the Jewish tradition as well.  It’s not impossible that Jewish parents might buy Almighty Heroes for their children.  “But what, they’re gonna waste their money on this crap?” Levine says.  “What?  I’m joking, I’m joking.  The sense of humor on this guy!  Unbelievable.”

Billy Just Loves To Play Samson. His Favorite Part Of The Story Is When Samson, After Having His Eyes Put Out And Cast In Chains By His Philistine Captors, Gains His Revenge By Pulling Down The Temple Atop His Enemies In A Gruesome Murder-Suicide.

Moreover, Levine is quick to point out that products such as the Goliath Electronic Sword and the Jonah & the Whale Playset help kids get into the Bible by allowing them to add their own awesome adventures to the Inviolable Word of the Almighty.

Batman Wants Nothing To Do With These Jokers.

Sadly, Levine’s company has not fared well, perhaps cursed by the unseen hand of Satan or possibly good taste.  Almighty Inc. has been unable to pay back loans, and Levine is being sued by one of his former partners.  But like the resilient heroes who are their flagship characters, don’t count Almighty Inc. out just yet.  The photos of the David and Samson action figures in this story were taken yesterday by Promethean Times’ staff photographer Tardsie the Backpack.  They are available at our local Rite Aid.

It's A Little Weird To Think That The Psalmist Looked So Much Like A Fuck Doll.

Righteous!

Nimrod The Hunter

19 Tuesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

badassery, jackassery, Nimrod, Star Wars Kid, the Bible, the Hunter, the Talmud

By Smaktakula

Very little is known about Nimrod the Hunter, and much of the information available about the ancient ruler is of uncertain historical accuracy.  Moreover, some texts, like the Bible and Talmud, offer differing accounts of Nimrod’s life.

Believed by some to be a wise and learned king, by others to be an incestuous despot whose hubris spawned the Tower of Babel, it’s difficult to describe the historical figure of Nimrod with any certainty.  However, all sources agree on one point: Nimrod was an unparalleled badass.

"Nimrod The Hunter Demands Wenches And Ale!"

Tragically, although Nimrod’s renown has long since faded into historical silence, his name remains in common use.  But instead of tough-guy machismo, the name is now associated with dudes like this:

What A Fucking Nimrod.

Ass-Craving Homophobic Minister Not A Hypocrite

11 Tuesday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Baptists, Biblical teaching, downlow, gay bashing, George Rekers, homophobia, hypocrisy, intolerance, religious intolerance, rent boy, RuPaul, self-loathing, Sodomites For Christ, SuperApocrypha, the Bible, you got a real purty mouth

George Rekers, a Baptist minister known for his anti-gay stance, was recently photographed while vacationing with a male prostitute.

All A Huge Misunderstanding. He Only Rented This Boy To Help Him With Some Hard Packing.

On the surface this may appear to be hypocrisy of the lowest order.  However, supporters maintain that the closeted cleric’s actions are in keeping with Biblical teachings.

The First Epistle of RuPaul (from the SuperApocrypha, a portion of the Bible excised by the Roman Catholic Church in the 7th Century A.D.) settles the matter quite clearly, stating:

Go ye into all the world, and seek those whom I have made different.  Wherever such people are gathered, go unto them with fists and stones and with unkind words.  Let pass no opportunity to correct their sinful ways; let your rebuke be as the sting of the lash, for in shaming them you do them good.

Meanwhile, be ye a meth-snorting homo in secret.

Rekers is just one of many such “Sodomites For Christ.”  These saints save souls on the downlow, but don’t ever think they enjoy it.

IHateMyselfIHateMyselfIHateMyselfIHateMyself: Christian right leader George Rekers takes vacation with “rent boy” – Page 1 – News – Miami – Miami New Times.

Smaktakula

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