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Tag Archives: Miss You Mom

It Was A Privilege Just To Have Known Her

12 Sunday May 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in True-Ass Tales

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

heroes, Miss You Mom, Mother's Day

I spoke the following words at my mother’s funeral several years ago. My life was very different when I wrote these lines, and now I’m married with children of my own. But in revisiting these words for the first time in years and with the perspective of a man who has seen a good deal more of life than he who wrote them, I am reminded more than ever of how true they are.

There was nobody like her.

Mom & RK on the Beach

It’s Worth Everything To Know That No Matter How Bad You Fuck Up, Someone Still Loves You.

***

It’s impossible to capture in words the full measure of someone you love and admire so deeply as I do my mother.

Many of the people here today knew my mother well, and are acquainted with her many superlative qualities. She was an intelligent, accomplished, funny, loving woman.

But sometimes there are subtle aspects to a person, which are easily overlooked because they are qualities which run true and deep.

In my mother, one of these characteristics was her tremendous strength of spirit.  My mother was a gentle woman, and so often it seems that gentleness is mistaken for weakness. This was never so with my mother; she was fierce in fighting for the people she loved, and resolute in defending the things she valued.

My mother talked to me often about my father’s death, and how that event had impacted her life and would shape the remarkable woman she would become. A self-described “surfer girl,” she had envisioned for herself a life as a homemaker, and had never given serious thought to a career. But when she found herself widowed and pregnant at twenty-five, she found also her own strength, which was to become so characteristic of the funny, fearless woman I grew up knowing. My mother became a woman she never dreamed existed.  She worked hard and made sacrifices along the way, many of them in private.  She never complained.

Sometimes, including her recent illness, well-meaning people would suggest to my mother that she’d had a rough life.  My mother was honestly surprised by this sentiment, as she felt very fortunate to have lived the life she did.  She told me many times that life was full of sorrows, but that life’s joys outnumbered them, and that was the point of being alive. She kept this attitude to the last of her days.

People have asked if my mother suffered during her illness, and yes, she did suffer. But she lived every day of her life.

My mother enjoyed being alive, and drew her joy from the people around her – friends and loved ones. To her, the people and animals in her life were more valuable than all the riches of the world, and she was grateful for their love and attention. My mother believed in unconditional love, and in championing those things which matter. She believed that kindness trumped anger. She believed that faith and hope triumphed over suffering and despair.

{My mother} was the most amazing woman I’ve ever had the good fortune to meet.  I’m so much luckier that she was my mother.

Still Miss You

You’re A Hard Act To Follow.

Give Cancer A Punch

04 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Science

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

cancer, death by cancer, helpful hints, Joan of Arc, Miss You Mom, time travel

By Smaktakula

Not All Of Our Time-Travel Dreams Involve Doin’ The Nasty With Joan Of Arc.

Were I able to travel through time and make the 4th dimension my bitch, I’d try to use my power wisely. One thing that I think would be a lot of fun is to travel forward in time. The first thing I’d do is track down the dude¹ who will eventually cure cancer, and punch him in his fucking face.

The Second Worst Thing About Cancer Is That It Turns The People Who Love You Into Humorless Ninnies. The Worst Thing? We Suspect You Already Know.

Wait a minute now, righteous ragers–hear me out! Like just about everyone else on planet earth, I’ve felt cancer’s collateral damage. I know about loss.

On The Bright Side, A Broken Heart Makes You A Stronger Person.

But just think about it: when history tells the story of the dude who finally cured cancer, the tale will be that much cooler if, in addition to all the other obstacles surmounted in his quest to eradicate this hideous disease, he managed to do it despite some asshole punching him in the face.

“First Of All, I’d Like To Thank The Nobel Committee For Selecting Me For This Singular Honor…”

¹Readers may wonder, what if the person who discovers a cure for cancer is a woman? Well, that would undo all our plans, as punching a woman is just beastly. But seriously, it’ll be a man. ∞ T.

Bald Can Be Beautiful

11 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

breast cancer, Britney Spears, cancer, crazy people, Kellie Pickler, Miss You Mom

By Smaktakula

The world fell in love with singer Kellie Pickler when she shaved her head to highlight breast cancer awareness.

See? Bald Can Be Beautiful.

And we don’t disagree. Given the vapid, superficial nature of the entertainment industry, Pickler’s statement is indeed brave. And for those who have lost a loved one to cancer, the singer is a reminder of that person’s courageous struggle.

So who doesn’t love Kellie Pickler?

This chick:

“Die, Bitch! Die!”

***

Life-Changing Literature: Gross Jokes

06 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

9/11, Forever, fun with stereotypes, Great Books of the Western Tradition, Gross Jokes, inappropriate humor, Jesus, Judy Blume, Julius Alvin, Miss You Mom, Pearl Harbor, the Bible, Twins

By Tardsie

Some Humor Doesn’t Mean To Be Inappropriate, It Just Is.

After the King James Bible and Judy Blume’s Forever, which respectively served as the imprimatur for my troubling moral rigidity and taught me everything I needed to know about sex, no book has exerted quite so profound an impact on my development as has Julius Alvin’s indispensible compendium, Gross Jokes.

We Read It In The Fifth Grade, But It Would Be Years Before We Could Put Its Teachings To Good Use.

This delightful piece of Americana is a relic of a bygone age.  Its anachronistic offensiveness harkens back to an era in which the culture hadn’t yet discovered its inner pussy or began to counter the messy inclusiveness of wide-ranging speech with an antiseptic circumspection and a compulsion for self-censorship bordering on mania. Nowadays, the list of lifestyles and affiliations which can be safely mocked has dwindled to near-insignificance.

It’s Still Safe To Kick The Mormons, Though. What Are They Always So Happy About, Anyway? Fucking Weirdos.

Gross Jokes is, if not a breath of fresh air in these stuffy times, then at least a pungent fart in society’s plastic-lined cleanroom. Dedicated to Helen Keller (she’ll apparently be reading the audio version, which has been re-titled Y34jk3k Bdkddd for the occasion), and with chapter headings such as Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes, Vulgar Cripple Jokes, Indecent Religious Jokes, Foul Homosexual Jokes, Lewd Senior Citizen Jokes and Simply Disgusting, Gross Jokes is clearly something special.

Is This Really How We Want To Live?

Very few of the jokes contained in this volume are suitable for print even in these pages. It is a testament to the power of Gross Jokes that a significant portion of its contents offends even our attenuated sense of propriety. However, to give you an idea of the range and beauty of this masterwork, we present the following excerpts:

***

Why are just-deflowered virgins like the warships in Pearl Harbor after the Japanese bombing?
Because their cock-pits are full of bloody semen.

Yeah, We’ve Sullied It For You. Whatever–9/11’s Our Big National Tragedy Now, Anyway.

***

A man called his friend in the middle of the night and said, “Fred, I’m really worried about Mary. She wasn’t here when I got home from work and I still haven’t heard from her. And you know how depressed she gets at times since her mastectomy.”
Fred tried to reassure him. “Maybe she’s just visiting a friend.”
“I doubt it,” the man said glumly. “She left her tits here.”

We Made A Lot Of Friends With That One, Huh?

***

What do you do with dead baby twins?
Use one to swat the flies swarming around the other.

Just Think Of All The Heartache Inflicted On Parents By LIVING Instances Of This Genetic Anomaly.

***

Judy Blume, Jesus & Julius Alvin: Now Do You Better Understand Both The Nature And Depth Of Our Sickness?

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: More Tidbits

22 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

boat people, gay people, Miss You Mom, refugees, Special Olympics, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, Vietnam

By Tardsie

Despite the impression given by this series of tales, not every episode in my life has involved me being an asshole or looking like an idiot, but those are the stories worth telling. Nobody wants to hear about that time I got my mom flowers for no reason and really made her day.

The Really Great Thing About Mom Is That No Matter What Kind Of Disreputable Shitbag You Are, She Still Thinks You’re Good Enough To Be President Of The USA.

***

After the sixth grade, we moved away from my hometown, and I graduated from high school in another state. After my freshman year of college, I was back in town visiting my Grandma when I happened across an old friend from grade school, Rusty.

We were talking about people we used to know, and I asked about a kid whom I’d thought of as “Wayne.”

“Who?” Rusty asked.

“Wayne,” I said again, “The kid who came over as a boat person from Vietnam.”

“Oh,” he said, “You mean Wang Jones. Yeah, he’s still around.” He then added, “He’s kind of a dick, though.” Rusty remained in the dark as to the reason for Wang’s hostility, although I soon figured it out.

“Damn, I always called him ‘Wayne,'” I said, embarrassed. “Wang probably thought I was an asshole.”

Rusty laughed. “He probably just thought you were an idiot.”

Someone certainly was. I soon got the opportunity to look at Rusty’s yearbook and check out the boy I’d accidentally ridiculed for so many years. As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, my very first discovery was that the kid’s name was in fact ‘Wayne.’

“Go Fuck Yourself, Rusty!”

***

I’m always suspicious of guys who aren’t gay but who have way more chick friends than guy friends. What’s up with that? If they were having sex with the various women, I could at least understand it.

***

When I was a kid my mouth got me in trouble a lot. A lot a lot. But there was one time when I was about seven that I didn’t deserve it. Not that much anyway.

I was at my friend Ricky’s house, and we were watching TV. My troubles began when Ricky’s mom overheard a comment I made about a commercial. The commercial began with several silhouetted figures running up a hill. “Look at those idiots,” I said, mostly due to my then-nascent love affair with my own voice.

“SHAME ON YOU!” Ricky’s mom bellowed from seemingly out of nowhere. “Shame on you for picking on those people!”

I started to protest my innocence, and then saw with growing horror that it was a Special Olympics commercial I’d besmirched.

As if unsure that I’d grasped the enormity of my act, she said, “Those people can’t help that they were born that way! How would you like it if you were born that way?” Not waiting for me to answer, she went on, “You should thank God you weren’t. Shame on you!”

I again protested my innocence, and after a while she seemed to believe me, and the incident was forgotten.

Hours later, my mom was over visiting Ricky’s mom. As I passed through the kitchen where they were drinking coffee, my mom struck like a cobra, smacking me across the face.

“Don’t make fun of retarded people!” she said.

Seriously, Guys–We’re Innocent. This Time.

***

Sometimes it’s funny how a moment just happens. One time in college, a bunch of us dudes were drinking in a big ol’ sausage fest (all guys), when somebody said to somebody else, “Hey man, you’ve always been a good friend to me, Bob. I love you, man.”

“Bob” turned to another guy in the room, and said basically the same thing. “Joe, I don’t say this much, but you’ve always been there for me. I love you, man.”

This continued for a while, everybody in the room professing his love to another friend. Finally, it got to our friend “Steve.” As everyone else had, Steve turned to another friend and said, “Mike, you’re a good guy and I love you.”

And then, in one of those beautiful, unplanned moments where everything just seems to come together perfectly, everyone in the room pointed at Steve and yelled “FAG!”

Good times.

You Should Never Be Afraid To Tell Someone How You Really Feel.

Happy Mothers’ Day!

08 Sunday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

holidays, Love You Mom, Miss You Mom, Mother's Day, true meanings of holidays

STILL MISS YOU.

Promethean Times’ 2010 Person Of The Year: Us

31 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, 2010, 2011, Abner Doubleday should sue the hell out of the guy who 'invented' cricket, Africa, American soldiers, Axis of Evil, Barack Obama, bellicose shenanigans, Bernie Madoff, BP, Bradley Manning, Bush the intellectuable, Chief Executive, comical despots, Conan O'Brien, congress, conventional wisdom, copyright infringement, corporate douchebaggery, cricket, Democratic Party, effete Mac users, Elizabeth Edwards, Face & Boobs man, feel-good policies, figurative fellatio, Franklin Pierce, Fugeeman, games foreigners play, genocide, George W. Bush, GOP, Haiti, Haitian Crisis, Haitian Earthquake, Hitler of Major League Baseball, How very original!, hucksterism, impoverished third-world hellhole, Iran, Jay Leno, John Edwards, Julian Assange, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, leeches, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Martha Stewart Living, Michael Lohan, MiLo, Miss You Mom, modern classics, Mood the Dude, mullets, Nanci Pelosi, nanny state, North Korea, Osama bin Laden, Osama's crazed legions, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is batshit crazy, People Magazine, personal magnetism, Pierce was known more for drink than for effective leadership, poor Elizabeth Edwards--she was so brave and she suffered so much, popular culture, President Bush, President Obama, Promethean Times, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, religious right, Republican Party, retcons, rumor has it that the vote for Person of the Year was fixed, San Francisco Giants, San Mateo, Sarah Palin, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, special-needs children, Spiro Agnew, Sports Illustrated, step your game up, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, terrifying Campfire Girl, Texas Rangers, the canonization of St. Elizabeth, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the Devil, the impotence of the UN, the increasing irrelevance of TIME, the UN's maddening inaction in the face of genocide, theogeologist, Tim Lincecum, Time, TIME allows pedestrian intellects to believe they are otherwise, TIME's Person of the Year, Tony Hayward, tradition, Transformers I and II, treachery, UN, United Nations, United States of America, WikiLeaks, Wyclef Jean, yes theogeologist is another coinage but like grammaverick you've gotta admit it kicks ass

By Promethean Times

Conventional wisdom warns that TIME‘s annual Person of the Year award is so iconic as to render superfluous any imitations.  However, as it has so many times before, Promethean Times eschews the expected by boldly forging a new path, in this instance by appropriating TIME‘s 80-year-old tradition.

Did You Know? TIME Was Once Known For Journalism, And Was Considered More Newsworthy Than Its Current Contemporaries, People Magazine And Martha Stewart Living.

The decision to bestow Promethean Times with this highly coveted accolade did not come easily.  A great many individuals and events helped to make 2010 one of the most dynamic years on record.

There was Julian Assange of WikiLeaks, and traitorous American soldier Bradley Manning, who assisted in the appropriation of several documents.  There was BP’s disgraced Tony Hayward, whose reputation in tatters, has only his fabulous wealth to console him, and Bernie Madoff, although convicted in 2009, still managed to keep his name in circulation.

US President Barack Obama rammed through feel-good policies to be billed to posterity and the people loved him for it.  The press, however, seemed to recover from their embarrassing love affair with the Chief Executive, quixotically alternating hot and cold by one day proclaiming the President a lame duck, and the next heralding him as the greatest president since Franklin Pierce.

One Of These Kids Is More Popular Than The Other.

Much as a leech would, Congress eagerly clung to the President’s agenda, but lacking the President’s (or any, largely) personal magnetism, found itself the victim of what the press liked to call “an anti-incumbent agenda.”  Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi realized too late that a sunny smile does little good when it’s the handiwork of San Mateo’s finest Face & Boobs man.

Then there was the Tea Party to consider.  The completely leaderless grassroots organization, headed by terrifying Campfire Girl Sarah Palin and funded by deep-pocketed partisans, managed to drive the few remaining moderate Republicans from the GOP.  This end was aided by the Republicans’ skill at figuratively fellating the Religious Right, although the Democrats made a game and creditable attempt at it.

Pretty-like-the-prom-queen huckster John Edwards imploded earlier this year, terrifyingly reminding people ignorant of Spiro Agnew that America came “this close” to electing a scumbag as vice-president.  Edwards’ estranged wife Elizabeth, long regarded as a dismissive, cold-hearted bitch, received secular canonization upon her recent death, and has been retconned into a nurturing, saintly person.  She got cheated on and she died?  Tsk.  You will be missed, Elizabeth.

Finally! Someone Faced A Debilitating Illness With Courage And Dignity. Don't You Wish Elizabeth Had Been Your Mom?

Former President George Bush was also considered for Person of the Year due to his lasting influence on the country, and on the Democratic Party in particular.  Until the weeks preceding the November elections, Democrats were so enamored of the former Republican Chief Executive that the words ‘George W. Bush’ comprised 25-35% of the typical Democratic fundraising speech.

Fugeeman responded to the Haitian earthquake with the aplomb and statesmanship one would expect from a Caribbean head of state; he announced a presidential bid which then unceremoniously petered out.  We also gave some thought to the Devil, who many experts, including noted theogeologist Pat Robertson, believe to be the ultimate author of the devastating Haitian Quake.  The UN deserved some consideration as well, despite that the global organization’s response to the Haitian Crisis was characteristically bungled and that it continues to counter both African genocide and rogue nuclear states with the twin forces of hand-wringing coupled with laughably empty threats.

The Machinations Of This Evil Genius Bedevil Us Still.

We considered several despots, including the scrappy madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, who holds in equal contempt mullets and the Jews, and the comically diminutive Kim Jong-il, North Korea’s dying tyrant, who continues to terrify an impotent international community with his bellicose shenanigans, and who elevated his special-needs son to the #2 spot in the impoverished third-world hellhole.  And although he had a comparatively mellow 2010, ‘Lil Kim and Mood the Dude’s Axis of Evil amigo, Osama bin Laden, quietly exerted his pernicious influence on his legions of crazed followers.

Pop culture had its share of earth-shakers.  It was hard to overlook Josh Duhamel, whose masterful performance in the universally-beloved modern classic Transformers I and II shattered expectations about what movie-goers could expect from an infantile two-hour commercial.  At the same time an inane late-night war between TV icons Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien diverted the attentions of a grateful nation in the same way as does a bright piece of string or a shiny object.  And somewhere, Steve Jobs did something that made effete Mac users cream their shorts.

Is This The World You Want For Your Children?

In sporting news, the San Francisco Giants, called the ‘Hitler of Major League Baseball’ by at least one satiric internet source, won the World Series over the nearly-as-odious Texas Rangers.  Also, there was some scandal in cricket–it’s a game copied from baseball, apparently–that stoked the ire of millions across the globe, but was otherwise unimportant.

Taking all these people and events into account, we worked tirelessly to determine the single most transformational factor in 2010.  In the end, we were unanimous on our selection of Promethean Times as Promethean Times‘ Person of the Year, citing Promethean Times‘ ongoing benefit to the global community as well as its consistent awesomeness.  Promethean Times is “extremely surprised, but pleased” by the announcement.

And for Promethean Times‘ Douchebag of the Year: Michael “MiLo” Lohan. What the hell, right?

His Infernal Majesty Assures Us That In 2011, He'll Step His Game Up.

Happy 2011, everybody!

Happy Mother’s Day!

09 Sunday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Critters, Culture, Holiday, People

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Cute Overload, Love You Mom, Miss You Mom, Mom, Mother's Day, opossums

Mom Is Awesome

Picture and idea courtesy of the delightful Cute Overload.

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