11 Wednesday Sep 2013
Posted in History
Tags
2001, 9/11, Antwerp, Belgians are evil!, Belgium, don't hate us because we're ignorant, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, September 11th, Twin Towers
Hussein Waves To His Adoring Fans From The Porch Of His Boyhood Home In Antwerp.
On which nefarious Belgian nastyman Saddam Hussein kicks America in the nuts by singlehandedly bringing down the Twin Towers.
No Way. Not Us.
06 Thursday Sep 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity
Tags
9/11, Forever, fun with stereotypes, Great Books of the Western Tradition, Gross Jokes, inappropriate humor, Jesus, Judy Blume, Julius Alvin, Miss You Mom, Pearl Harbor, the Bible, Twins
Some Humor Doesn’t Mean To Be Inappropriate, It Just Is.
After the King James Bible and Judy Blume’s Forever, which respectively served as the imprimatur for my troubling moral rigidity and taught me everything I needed to know about sex, no book has exerted quite so profound an impact on my development as has Julius Alvin’s indispensible compendium, Gross Jokes.
We Read It In The Fifth Grade, But It Would Be Years Before We Could Put Its Teachings To Good Use.
This delightful piece of Americana is a relic of a bygone age. Its anachronistic offensiveness harkens back to an era in which the culture hadn’t yet discovered its inner pussy or began to counter the messy inclusiveness of wide-ranging speech with an antiseptic circumspection and a compulsion for self-censorship bordering on mania. Nowadays, the list of lifestyles and affiliations which can be safely mocked has dwindled to near-insignificance.
It’s Still Safe To Kick The Mormons, Though. What Are They Always So Happy About, Anyway? Fucking Weirdos.
Gross Jokes is, if not a breath of fresh air in these stuffy times, then at least a pungent fart in society’s plastic-lined cleanroom. Dedicated to Helen Keller (she’ll apparently be reading the audio version, which has been re-titled Y34jk3k Bdkddd for the occasion), and with chapter headings such as Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes, Vulgar Cripple Jokes, Indecent Religious Jokes, Foul Homosexual Jokes, Lewd Senior Citizen Jokes and Simply Disgusting, Gross Jokes is clearly something special.
Is This Really How We Want To Live?
Very few of the jokes contained in this volume are suitable for print even in these pages. It is a testament to the power of Gross Jokes that a significant portion of its contents offends even our attenuated sense of propriety. However, to give you an idea of the range and beauty of this masterwork, we present the following excerpts:
Yeah, We’ve Sullied It For You. Whatever–9/11’s Our Big National Tragedy Now, Anyway.
We Made A Lot Of Friends With That One, Huh?
Just Think Of All The Heartache Inflicted On Parents By LIVING Instances Of This Genetic Anomaly.
Judy Blume, Jesus & Julius Alvin: Now Do You Better Understand Both The Nature And Depth Of Our Sickness?
25 Tuesday Oct 2011
Tags
9/11, al Qaeda, anti-semitism, Axis of Evil, comical despots, George W. Bush, Holocaust, inside job, Iran, Israel, jealousy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Pearl Harbor, places that suck, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, The Great Satan, Twin Towers, United States of America, Yakov Smirnoff
Ahmadinejad Resembles Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, But The Similarities End There: The Iranian President Is Actually Quite Funny.
Tiny nutjob Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can always be counted on to publicly propound a plethora of preposterous political theories and irresponsible historical revisionism. Over the years, Iran’s pint-sized potentate has kept his many apologists busy explaining away such bellicose assertions as “Israel must be wiped off the map,” and tired claims that the Holocaust is a Jewish fiction. Ahmadinejad’s statements regarding the events of September 11th, 2001, the catalyst for the United States’ War on Terror, have left his defenders scrambling, and have unexpectedly invited criticism from within the Axis of Evil.
Like so many others before him, Ahmadinejad likes to make hay with the idea that the horrific events of September 11th, 2001 were an inside job. This theory has gained some traction among the mouth-breathing element of the population, embarrassingly eager to believe George W. Bush the evil genius behind the sinister machinations. Promethean Times has long asserted that the actual culprit behind the Twin Tower Attacks was the nefarious Saddam Hussein.
Sooner Or Later, Everything Turns Out To Be An Inside Job.
Jewish groups have long met with opprobrium Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic rants and repeated calls for the destruction of Israel, but now factions within the Islamofascist community have begun to chafe under Ahmadinejad’s comments. It seems that the boys in al Qaeda–Ahmadinejad’s erstwhile allies in despising anything Western or fun–have a bone to pick with the pint-sized Persian.
The feared international terrorist organization has grown weary of Ahmadinejad’s constantly blaming the United States for the events of 9/11. Al Qaeda wants to make it very clear, that they–and not a sinister cabal within the United States–planned and executed the tragedy. Al Qaeda claims that the Iranian president–who most observers agree would piss himself to inflict upon the Great Satan just a tenth of what al Qaeda was able to achieve– is deliberately misattributing their historic actions to an internal American plot for no reason other than simple jealousy.
Let's Give Credit Where Credit Is Due.
16 Monday May 2011
Tags
'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', 9/11, al Qaeda, Ann Coulter, beating off, choking the chicken, flogging the dolphin, goat-fuckers, internet pornography, Islam, jerking off, masturbation, Navy SEALs, onanism, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, porn, pornography, pr0n, Ron Jeremy, self-abuse, spankin' it, spanking the monkey, sticky fingers, Terrorism, whack shack
Bin Laden Debunks The Myth About Hairy Palms.
The Navy SEALs tasked with eliminating resilient Saudi boogeyman Osama bin Laden were trained to expect just about anything. They knew, for example, that they would encounter fierce resistance from bin Laden and his lieutenants, and that the terror mastermind would not hesitate to toss away one of his countless wives like spent Kleenex if it meant adding a few more malice-drenched moments to his own tumultuous time on earth. But what the SEAL team found was something America’s intelligence industry failed to anticipate, and which took the SEALs completely by surprise: bin Laden’s impressive and more-than-slightly-used pornography collection.
Osama Repeatedly Claimed It Was For His Dry Skin.
This information gap does US intelligence no credit, particularly since for the better part of a year, several publications–most notably Promethean Times–have been warning of the pervasive Pakistani predilection for particularly prurient and perverse porn. As is now becoming more widely known, Pakistanis lead the rest of the world in filthy internet searches, and are rapidly gaining a reputation for harboring not only terrorists among their population, but goat-fuckers as well.
Osama's Fingerprints Were All Over This. Literally.
Is it any wonder then, that bin Laden–a guest in that great nation–would seek onanistic relief in such delightful naughtiness as Salaam Salami!, You Mecca Me Horny II and Riders of the Three-Humped Camel? The picture becomes clearer when one considers bin Laden’s legendary sex drive, the horny hatemonger having more wives than the desert has sand.
A Copy Of This Book Was Found Under Osama's Mattress. It Was Identified Only After Investigators Were Able To Separate The Pages With A Razor Blade.
Because of the high security and the presence of so many people in the compound, privacy was at a minimum and as such, valued as a premium. Even placing extra locks on the doors didn’t stop careless security personnel or nosy wives from barging in on bin Laden just as he was in the process of ‘blowing the first tower.’ Ironically, in the days before he was executed by US Forces, bin Laden devised a system whereby he would leave his turban hanging over the doorknob to let people know he was ‘taking the Haj.’
Fortunately, Osama Died Without Ever Knowing That His Favorite Footlong Was 100% Kosher.
02 Monday May 2011
Tags
9/11, bin Laden dead, dicks, Ding Dong the Dick is Dead!, famous martyrs, Glee, Islam, Osama bin Laden, stupid shit little girls like, The Great Satan, United States of America
REVEALED! The fatal missteps which led first to the betrayal and then slaying by US forces of 9/11 mastermind and all-around-dick Osama bin Laden.
"Ibrahim, Buddy--It's Totally Awesome Of You To Let Me Crash Here, Man. A Cave Gets Old Really Quick."
"It's Cool, Osama--Mi Casa Es Tu Casa!"
"You Are Too Kind, My Friend. I Know This Has Been A Hardship For You. I've Made A Pretty Big Mess With All My Stuff, Plus, The Great Satan Would Pay A King's Ransom To Know Where I Am Staying Tonight."
"Let The Americans Spend Their Riches In Hell. I Do Not Want Their Filthy Blood Money. I Would Not Betray You For All The Riches In The World."
"I Know This, My Friend. You've Done More For Me Than I Can Repay. Speaking Of Which, Did You Want Me To Throw You A Couple Bucks For All The Food I Ate?"
"No Need, My Friend, No Need! It's Nice Just To Have You Here. By The Way, Did You See A VHS Cassette Lying Around? I've Missed The Last Two Episodes Of My Favorite Show, And Want To Watch It Tonight."
Thanks For Being Cool About The Food, Man--I'm Pretty Broke Anyway. And Did The VHS Cassette Say 'GLEE' On It? 'Cause I'm Pretty Sure I Taped Over It To Make A Message To The Crusaders. Sorry, Bro--My Bad. Still, We All Do What We Can For The Struggle, Right?"
11 Saturday Sep 2010
Tags
9/11, al Qaeda, Axis of Evil, Fox news, George W. Bush, Iraq, Islam, muslims, New York, Osama bin Laden, patsies, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Salacious Crumb, Terrorism, terrorists, this day in history, Twin Towers, United States of America, WMDs, World Trade Center
On which the nefarious Saddam Hussein succeeds in destroying the Twin Towers.
"Okay, We've Got Flight Schedules, We've Got Box Cutters--We Just Need Nineteen Patsies. Guys, I'm Telling You--This Is Just Crazy Enough To Work!"
"AHAHAHAHAHA! Don't Forget To Ditch The WMDs! AHAHAHAHAHA!"
