By Smaktakula

We’re Thinking That Any Kid Who Bites Into This Maybe Deserves To Be Taught A Lesson.

Anyone who’s ever gone trick-or-treating (sorry Jehovah’s Witnesses, you’ll just have to use your imaginations) has likely heard the various tales breathlessly told about tainted candy passed off to unsuspecting children. Although these ghastly stories of stranger-danger are myriad, chief among them in its capacity to fascinate and horrify the public consciousness is the legend of the razor blade hidden in an apple.

Since Kids Carrying These Will Never Accept Your Apple, You Might Just Want To Stab The Little Door-To-Door Panhandler.

As a child, you were no doubt admonished never to eat an apple received while trick-or-treating (which ignores entirely the fact that anyone who gives out apples to kids on Halloween is already demonstrably ill), as psychos were believed to have developed some new-fangled technology for inserting a blade into the fruit without marring its skin. The tales weren’t limited to blades of course, but encompassed a variety of poking and piercing implements, including syringes. Although this rumor has persisted since the 1960s (and before that in the form of poisoned rather than bladed candy), it has never been true. Never, ever, ever. Never.

So Is It Still True About Jamie Lee Curtis Being Born A Hermaphrodite? No, Don’t Tell Us–Let Us Keep At Least Something To Believe In.

That is, it was never true until 2000, when Minneapolis-based douchebag James Joseph Smith decided to breathe life into the old tale by hiding needles in the candy bars he would give to trick-or-treaters. He was jailed after at least one child was injured by the deadly confection. Not only was Smith able to transform an amusing urban legend into a terrifying reality, but he simultaneously reinforced Promethean Times‘ long-held conviction that Minnesotans are by far America’s most evil people.

True: After Narrowly Being Defeated In Minnesota’s 1932 Gubernatorial Contest, Adolf Hitler Opted To Try His Luck In German Politics.

To our friends on the East Coast: we know it’s hard for you to get information right now, but Minnesota has been saying some really shitty stuff about you on TV. Iowa told them to shut up, but Minnesota said they didn’t care who heard. We didn’t think that was cool, and just thought you should know. ∞ T.