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Category Archives: Art

Will Pirouette For Respect

24 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, General Foolishness, Music

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ballerinas, ballerinos, ballet, ballet as a metaphor, ballet-loving freaks, beer, danseurs, disc golf, football, get the gay out of ballet, heterosexuality, homosexuality, homosexuality in ballet, mime, pork rinds, professional wrestling, quasi-athlete, sports, We trust Wikipedia as far as we can throw it, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Ballet has long been known as both an aesthetic and athletic endeavor, entwining beauty and ability into a single art form.  In its physicality it is not unlike more traditional sports, and in fact requires a great deal more athletic ability than some so-called “sports.”   

Perpetuating The Cycle Of Violence: Someday She Will Do The Same To Her Daughter.

Despite this, the American public has never really gone for ballet.  Like mime or disc golf, ballet lives on through the efforts of a desperately fanatical cadre of aficionados and the largesse of wealthy benefactors.  Ballet’s primary demographic is the legion of nine year-old girls who comprise its base.             

And yet, people seem to understand instinctively that ballet is something to be admired.  It is often employed metaphorically when discussing natural phenomenon, such as the stars or the northern lights, in overblown phrases like “the majesty of the cosmic ballet.”  Even more ironically, the same people who would under no circumstances attend the ballet nevertheless attempt to lend a high-minded importance to football by invoking a comparison to ballet: athleticism as aestheticism.  It has even been used in an attempt to justify silly non-sports like professional wrestling.             

The "Mincing Our Way Into America's Heart" Campaign Was Not A Success.

Although only about 50% of male ballet dancers are gay,* the terms for male ballet dancers–danseur and ballerino–are 100% gay.   However, this only makes ballet a “gay” endeavor by the same logic that says football is a “straight” sport because it’s played largely (but by no means exclusively) by straight men.  Still, it doesn’t help sell ballet to the beer & pork rind crowd.             

Neither is ballet doing itself any favors by continuing to wrap danseurs in flesh-hugging leotards, thereby devolving them into heinous sausage-smugglers.  Juxtapose this fact with the title of the only ballet most Americans can name, The Nutcracker, and it’s easy to see why mainstream America has so far shied away from ballet.             

The Promethean Times Editorial Staff has come up with a slogan which the ballet industry is free to use as it chooses.  We hope it will finally shame Americans into embracing this venerable art form:            

IF YOU DON’T LIKE BALLET

YOU’RE PROBABLY A HOMO!

       

* This statistic courtesy of the always unimpeachable repository of historical record, Wikipedia.   

Jeté To Facebook

A Great New Way To Make Mom And Dad Pay For What They Did

13 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Cinema, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Social Networking

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

attention-seeking behavior, bad decisions, caveat emptor, Chicago, citizen of Clan Arquette, crazy fucker, crazy people, Dad, daddy issues, David A. Cox, David Arquette, Did Courtney Cox lose a bet?, foolish choices, gettin' inked, getting back at mom and dad, ink, Mom, obscure celebrities, tats, tattoos, tiresome anachronism, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

Why not get inked by tiresome former celebrity and citizen of Clan Arquette, David A. Cox?   

"It's A Dragon That Shoots Dragons From Its Eyes! And Then Those Dragons Shoot Dragons From Their Eyes, Too! And Then Those Dragons--Guess What They Shoot From Their Eyes? Guess! Oh, Man! You Are So Not Gonna Regret This!"

Well, you know what, Mom?  Maybe if you’d bought me Red Power Ranger with the light-up eyes and collectible key chain for Christmas 1999 like I asked you to, then maybe I wouldn’t need to get the Chinese character for ‘Fire’ tattooed on my chest.  But what do I know, right?  I’m only your son.  You tell me, Mom.  You tell me.

Eine Kleine Snatchmusik

12 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Social Networking

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

apologies to Mozart, attention-seeking celebrities, childish sexual innuendo, creativity, fecundity, human lava lamp, Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga's very talented vagina, Lady Minge, Lady Vajayjay, Polk High School JV Water Polo's very good day, Seriously? Do you even listen to the words coming out of your mouth?, servants' entrance, snatch, vagina, Vanity Fair, Vanity Fair is the Enquirer for college educated assholes

By Smaktakula

Lady Gaga, the intermittently interesting humanoid lava lamp, reveals to Vanity Fair the fecund loam from which, flower-like, her creativity springs.

“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone, they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”

"Which Is Why I Must Insist That My Gentleman Callers Kindly Use The Servants' Entrance."

This just in: Polk High School JV Water Polo team writes, composes and performs Grammy-nominated rock opera.

Still Not What You Were Looking For?

30 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Baseball, Cinema, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, History, Hollywood, Humor, International Relations, National Politics, People, Places, Political Correctness, Sports, Television, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

'Lil Kim, Abigail Folger, America's ambivlence toward soccer, Barack Obama, Billie Joe Armstrong, Bush Brothers and Company, celebrity skin, Charles Manson, Chesley Sullenberger, Corey Haim, courtesy tips, cults, Dana Carvey, demon weed, dope, Duke, fauxhawk, Flower of American Skankhood, Frances Bean Cobain, Freddie Mercury, Garfield, George Sherrill, grammar, grass, Haimster, hippies, Improved Order of Red Men, internet pornography, Iran, Irene Folstrom, John Bobbit, Johnston's procedure, Kim Jong-il, lasagna, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Live Aid, Makwala Derrickson Hall, Manson Family, marijuana, marijuana legalization, Mensa, Mike Meyers, Morris the Cat, mullets, Nermal, North Korea, not what you were looking for?, Odie, Oxford ponce, Pakistan, penis, pervert, pot, prison food, Prometheus Society, Queen, racism, Ramtha, Randy Johnson, rapists, rave culture, raves, reefer, Reverend Fred Phelps, severed penis, skankery, Sully Sullenberger, sweet sweet cheeba, that shitty beard too!, the Big Unit, tiny penis, Tommy Lee, Tommy Lee's massive tool, treachery, untalented stars, US Airways Flight 1549, volcanic activity, volcanoes, vulgarity is the secret ingredient, Waco, Waco Massacre, Wal-Mart, Washington State, Westboro Baptist Church, Yelm

By Smaktakula

In which we once again present some of the various search-engine keywords used to find Promethean Times. Some, we suspect, were not on purpose.  See our first installment here: Not What You Were Looking For?.

live aid Geez, you put up one stupid Live Aid post, and suddenly you’ve got idiots knocking down your door for the rest of time.  Is Freddie Mercury really that beloved?  Thank you so much, Mike Meyers.  You too, Carvey.

humboldt promethean society Not sure if we can help you.  The Prometheus Society is club for freaks too smart for Mensa.  Smaktakula takes a dim view of organizations whose rigorous standards preclude his admission.  While there may in fact be many such individuals living in isolated cabins deep within the remote wilderness of Humboldt, these reclusive geniuses are no doubt so removed from society at large that they’re unlikely to turn up on an internet search.  Fortunately, anyone that smart knows to stay away from the demon weed, the great bane of the Humboldt.

narco children Frances Bean Cobain just wants to live a normal life.  Please try to respect that.

redman fraternal organization Right here.  Whites only, please.

criticism should 1549 “Sullenberger” We will tolerate no criticism of the heroic Captain Sullenberger.  The birds sent you, didn’t they?

wind up monkey Clang!  Clang!

underage boys blog We can’t help you, but thanks for checking.  Please remember to remain at least 500 feet from schools and city parks at all times.

america soccer ambivalence Happy to oblige.

bad mullet Is there any other kind?

when mullets attack We’re listening.

hell of a mullet Hell yeah!

skanky ho lindsay lohan Isn’t she, though?

raves should be illegal and banned Big Dittos, Rush!

old rainier brewery rave  Smaktakula may have attended one of these.  As a narc, of course.

will marijuana be legal in 2010 Not if Promethean Times has anything to say about it, Hippie!

ramtha volcanic eruption  We’ve got it.

ramtha marijuana Interesting.  Tell us more.

bush brothers & co new product New?  Treachery is as old as time itself.

passionate people and constructive crit Tell it to your diary, Nancy.

bull rider die And how!

waco massacre Dammit, Janet!

driving courtesy tips THANK YOU.

george sherrill beard—Yeah, we hate it too.

jesse sherrill senior rape trial 2010 You’re thinking of Jessie Sherrill, an accused rapist from Christian County, Kentucky.  We’ve got George Sherrill, whose late-inning incompetence doesn’t look half as bad when juxtaposed with a rapist.

kim jong il in united states Supposedly he’s in the United States secretly to buy DVDs and to fight female rapper ‘Lil Kim to the death over the use of the diminutive.  It is imperative that the United States Government not allow Kim to purchase those DVDs.

garfield the cat pitchman Fuck his fat lasagna-craving ass.  Promethean Times has never apologized for our Morrisist leanings and we never will.  Fuck Nermal and Odie, too.

haimster, 1971-2010 It still hurts.

pakastani home mad porn movies Ah!  A connoisseur!

irene folstrom Isn’t she the coffee heiress that the Manson kids chopped up?

mister wal mart He got laid off.

racism or cults in yelm wa Yelm really does offer a little something for everyone.

obama surprised Say Whaaaaaaaat?

sexy man cock Fred, just stop.  While we must admit we were initially flattered by your attention, your persistence has become a real turn-off.  The answer is no.

billie joe armstrong’s penis We hear it’s tiny.  Tommy Lee’s joint, however–now, that’s a penis.

johnston’s procedure penis A procedure to remedy “Torsion of the penis” which sounds pretty awful, and makes Smaktakula a bit of a dick for including it here.

north korean prison food Don’t be foolish.  There hasn’t been food in North Korea for years.

john bobbit penis + picture It’s in your bathroom above the sink.  Try looking at eye level.

have proven have proved Look, Smaktakula’s grammar is pretty goddamn good, but everybody makes mistakes.  You think this is easy?  You think it’s just talking like an Oxford ponce and liberally peppering the whole thing with vulgarities?  Okay, so maybe it is–but let’s see you try it, cock-knocker.  But then, we have an unfortunate tendency to over-analyze.

iran haircut policy Surprisingly progressive.

promethean lawsuit Uh oh.

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Commercials We Do Not Like: The Olive Garden

23 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Commercials, Corporate Culture, Culture, Food, General Foolishness, People, Relationships, Social Networking, Television

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Commercials, commercials we do not like, craptastic eatery, Elko, fat people, Italian food, Italy, Kentucky, Lexington, MSG, Nevada, Olive Garden, people of size, Red Lobster, seedy massage parlors frequented by Smaktakula, when you're here you're family, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

The Olive Garden has been crapping out adequate fare for nearly thirty years, all the while striving mightily to frame itself as the workingman’s access to continental dining.  Targeting those customers for whom the Red Lobster is too provincial, the Olive Garden aspires to bring the charm of an idealized Old World Italy to such unlikely spots as Lexington, Kentucky or Elko, Nevada.     

These Ample Eaters Are More Representative Of Olive Garden Customers Than Are The Beautiful People In The Commercials

No one begrudges Olive Garden’s right to pass off its inedible fare as authentic Italian.  Americans have long been tolerant of such culinary bastardizations, preferring them in most cases to the authentic ethnic dishes from which they came.  However, as understandable as Olive Garden’s right to make a profit from the insensate palates of gastronomically-benumbed Americans may be, their commercials venture into the realm of the unforgivable.     

One familiar commercial features a laughing group of family members engaged in spirited non-stop conversation about the food set before them, thrusting lightly with their forks at one another’s plates, merrily sharing food.      

Any real gathering of an American family that doesn’t include drunken recriminations and acidic passive-aggression is a sham.  Moreover, in the current climate of bacterial paranoia coupled with orgiastic overeating, anyone foolish enough to attempt snatching food from a neighbor’s plate is most likely to end the encounter with a fork jutting from the back of his hand.     

Another commercial features a similar assemblage, this time a group of upwardly mobile, physically fit and improbably racially diverse friends.  Like the aforementioned family, the hot young pals can think of nothing better to discuss than the fine fare at Olive Garden, until one asshat kills the conversation by declaring his intention of “doing the alfredo.”  Outside of their boorish behavior, these people bear very little resemblance to the mouth-breathing hominids one is likely to encounter within the stuccoed confines of this craptastic eatery.     

Olive Garden’s most memorable campaign is also its most odious.  It should be familiar by now: an unctuous voice, oozing with manufactured warmth, intones at the close of the commercial, “When you’re here, you’re family.”     

Really?  Unless it’s a tacit guarantee that the meal will be free, promising to treat the customer like family is cynical glibbery of the lowest order.  It’s doubtful that many people will recall Mom charging $14.95 for a lackluster plate of spaghetti with the promise of unlimited salad and MSG-encrusted bread sticks.     

And last is this commercial, which informs us breathlessly that “At Olive Garden, ‘generosity’ begins with a G,” clearly ignorant of the fact that the word also begins with a G throughout the United States and many parts of Canada.  However, the unconvincingly accented narrator goes on to remind us that at Olive Garden, generosity ends “when you are happy,” which sounds a lot like this Chinese massage parlor that Smaktakula knows about.     

 

Saving Keanu

13 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Cinema, Culture, Health, Hollywood, People, Relationships

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Barack Obama, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Cheer Up Keanu, comical despots, crazy bastard, depression, despots, Johnny Mnemonic, Karl Childers, Keanu Reeves, Kim Jong-il, mental illness, My Own Private Idaho, Point Break, Sling Blade, stupidity, Thinksquad, untalented stars, Vladimir Putin, Whoa!

The crazy bastards at Thinksquad have always been ambitious–mercilessly antagonizing comical despot Kim Jong-il and mocking not-so-comical despot Vladimir Putin.  They’ve even explored Barack Obama’s regrettable past as a rap-video extra.  Now Thinksquad is taking on one man’s mental illness.   

It just may be the most important person of our times–the world’s preeminent thespian, trenchant philosopher and bona fide American* treasure: Keanu Reeves.  Apparently, the man who gave us such beloved characters as Theodore “Ted” Logan, Scott Favor and Johnnies Mnemonic and Utah has been in a blue funk lately, one which sources close to the megastar say could be life-threatening.   

Karl Childers, Keanu's Spiritual Mentor, Shares Some Wisdom: "Ah Bet Some French Frahd 'Taters'd Cheer You Raht Up. NNNGHHH."

See how you can help by clicking here: Whoa!   

*In light of his complete and total awesomeness, the Beruit-born Canadian citizen can be considered an “American” treasure.
Smaktakula

Mullah v. Mullet

09 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, General Foolishness, Human Rights, Humor, Islam, Middle East, Religion, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

anti-Israel policy, anti-semitism, business up front, David Beckham, Emil Haagerdäddi, fashion police, fauxhawks, Iran, Iranian National Soccer Team, Jews, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, mullahcracy, mullahs, mulletards, mulletocracy, mullets, odious hairstyles, party in the back, religious fanatacism, religious intolerance, soccer mullets, that trick never works, The Achy-Breaky, thuggish jackbootery, wacky mullahs

Taking a momentary respite from its real mission (an ill-defined cocktail consisting mostly of breathlessly awaiting the advent of the New Caliphate and hating the Jews), the Iranian Mullahcracy has struck a blow in the war against bad taste.  Iran has banned the mullet and other offensive Western hairstyles.

"Seriously, You Guys Should Be Thanking Me That Someone Finally Had The Courage To Say, 'Hey, You Look Like An Asshole With That Haircut.' I Mean, Geez, I Wouldn't Wish That Rat's Nest On A Filthy Jew."

Wali bin Gud, Iranian Minister of Enlightenment and Cultural Decency, had this to say:

“It is incorrect to say that we have banned offensive Western hairstyles.  Rather, as in the case of the mullet and fauxhawk, two particularly odious hairstyles, we have banned offensive hairstyles which happen to be Western.”

Some observers  were surprised to see Iran working toward the common good.  However, Professor Emil Haagerdäddi, a senior fellow at World Think Center For World Thought, says that Iran is not as altruistic as they might appear.

“You have to remember that everybody must do their thing,”  explains the learned academian, “Get their freak on, as it were.  In this way, national bodies are no different than individuals.   Iran’s thing is, and always has been, repression.  Aside from swap-meet style rugs, thuggish jackbootery is perhaps their best-known national product.”

Festering To Bring About The Mulletocracy By Any Means Necessary, Y’All.

Reaction to the mullet ban has not been universally positive.  FIFA called it “Repression of the cruelest kind.  When you strip a man of his mullet, you strip him also of his very soul.”

Look At This Picture: How Can Hating This Douche Be Wrong?

The Iranian National Soccer Team was said to be particularly disconsolate.

Can You Do Something About Comb-Overs?  Iran bans the mullet | World news | The Guardian.

Smaktakula

News Of The Duh: Evidence Suggests Some Illegal Drug Use In Rave Culture

05 Monday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, Music, People, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

15 year-old, blind unreasoning panic, club kids, designer drugs, drug overdose, drugs, ecstacy, Electric Daisy Carnival. Los Angeles, illegal drugs, LA Memorial Coliseum, News of the Duh, one percenters, panic, rave culture, raves, Rock & Roll, techno music

There’s much wisdom in the old maxim, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  Readers of Promethean Times will know that we subscribe not only to this aphorism, but also its corollary: “If it is broke, the best course of action is immediate panic.”  We favor blind, unreasoning panic over most other varieties of temporary fear-based madness.         

When a 15 year-old girl died of a suspected drug overdose after attending the 14th annual Electric Daisy Carnival at the LA Memorial Coliseum, authorities scurried into action.  The obvious solution was to prohibit further raves at the Coliseum.           

This is a troubling development for everyone touched by the rave scene.  This is not to suggest that all or even most clubbers use illicit drugs.  It is likely a very small minority, a group of “one percenters.”         

Starchyld Von Asskandy (Pictured Above) Says Most Ravers "Will Not Tolerate Illegal Drug Use."

Promethean Times applauds the decision to ban raves at the Coliseum.  Although the young girl’s accidental death appears to be an isolated incident, the danger remains that if unchecked, an incident like this could blow open the doorway for drugs into rave culture.  This would be a pity.  In 2010 there are very few places a young person can go where drugs aren’t a constant temptation.  For many years, raves have been just that kind of environment, and now a few bad apples seem hellbent to sully this wholesome activity.            

The ban on raves in the Coliseum will have two positive effects.  First, it will send a strong message to the one percenters in the rave community that these kinds of shenanigans won’t be tolerated.  Drugs have already ruined Rock & Roll; we mustn’t let them sully the soulless electronic chirp of techno.            

The second result will be even more profound.  With no more raves at the Coliseum, the attendant drug problem should trickle away.  The ban will also give pause to ravers who might be thinking about trying illegal drugs. 

Critics of the ban charge that these young people will simply take their party elsewhere.  This is unlikely.  The promoters of such an event would be breaking several laws, as well as jeopardizing the health of children.  The notion of an illegal, underground rave is pure fantasy.     

This Young Fellow Is Tuckered Out From All That Dancing.

Some People Just Have To Ruin It For Everybody: Teenage girl dies of suspected drug overdose after attending weekend rave at L.A. Coliseum – latimes.com.             

Smaktakula

Step Dancing Is For Everybody?–Not So Fast, White Girls

21 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, Games, Music, National Events, Political Correctness, Race, Relationships, Sports

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

affirmative action, African-Americans, bigotry, black sorority, Brooklyn Dodgers, bullying, cultural theft, diversity, evil bigots, exclusionary policy, hypocrisy, Jackie Robinson, liberal guilt, meritocracy, political pressure, prejudice, professional race baiters, quotas, racial shakedown, racism, racist, reverse racism, Sprite, step dance, Step Off, whining, white girls, White girls. Why did it have to be white girls?, white guilt, white sorority, Zeta Tau Alpha

By Smaktakula

The women of Zeta Tau Alpha made history recently when they were awarded first-place at Step Off, a prestigious step competition hosted by Sprite.  What makes this victory historic is that step dance, a synchronized dance routine typically performed by nine women, has long been exclusively an African-American tradition.   Zeta Tau Alpha is a white sorority.               

Critics of Zeta Tau Alpha’s victory say that this is just one of many instances in a long history of culture theft by whites.  Furthermore, these critics contend that while the art form’s exposure to a wider, multi-racial audience is certainly to be desired, the potential for non-black dancers to win is not.  It is an insult, they say, for a white sorority to be awarded first place.              

A brief explanation of the difference between white and black sororities.  White sororities, which by virtue of being white are more exclusionary, are open to women of all races, and include many African-Americans.  Black sororities, in an effort to preserve diversity, are exclusively African-American.              

The people who don’t want white girls in step dancing would like you to know that they are merely preserving their proud cultural heritage, and despite so many marked similarities, are not at all like the evil bigots who strove to keep Jackie Robinson out of the Major Leagues.           

WWJRD?

There was a great deal of grumbling over Zeta Tau Alpha’s victory, but the judges’ decision signalled that the art form was ready to embrace diversity and celebrate its coming-of-age in the wider culture.          

White Sororities Are Exclusionary

Black Sororities Promote Diversity

Despite the furor from groups who thought it wrong that a white sorority won, the judges stuck to their guns.  For a week.  Then they realized they’d made an unspecified scoring error of some sort and called it a tie.              

Critics of merit-based solutions hailed this as “a victory for all people who value equality and fairness above talent and hard work.  The squeaky wheel really does get the grease!”         

Bravo, ladies.

Strike A Blow For Racial Equality By Sharing This With Facebook

NAACP Achieves Goal Of Attaching Racist Connotations To Every Expression Containing The Word ‘Black’

11 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Politics, Race, Relationships

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Americans of Singularity Descent, black holes, Black Holians, Black Leadership Scowl, celestial phenomena, civil rights, civil rights leaders, comets, crying wolf, event horizon, Hallmark Cards, It's A Celestial Thang, NAABH, NAACP, ominous, professional race baiters, Protesting Is Fun!, racism, Singlularity-Americans, singularities, Singularity Pride, supermassive is beautiful!, supermassive like me, zephyrs

The Los Angeles Chapter of the NAACP broke out their Black Leadership Scowls recently to protest a Hallmark Card which they call racist.      

The space-themed graduation card plays an audio track which, among other things, refers to black holes as “ominous.”    

Presumably, the NAACP regards the card as offensive to descendents of the supermassive space feature, who might rightly take umbrage at being labelled “ominous.”      

It should also be noted that comets and zephyrs, typically considered “white” celestial phenomena, are not mentioned at all in the card’s message.      

Longs For The Day When He Will Be Judged Solely By The Gravitational Pull Of His Event Horizon

Okay, Now You’re Just Being Silly: NAACP calls Hallmark graduation card racist | abc7.com.      

Smaktakula

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Tardsie D. Bagg

Smaktakula

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Promethean Times
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