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Tag Archives: Colorado

Headlines: No Rod Unspared

04 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 36 Comments

Tags

Alabama, Axe Body Spray, Baseball, Belgium, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, California, Chicago White Sox, Colorado, Condoleezza Rice, Costa Mesa, don't hate us because we're ignorant, fun with stereotypes, Greece, headlines, Helen Keller, homeless people, homosexuality, hunger, Israel, Joe Biden, Koreans, man-boy love, Muhammad, New York Times, obesity, Orange County, pederasts, penis breakage is not funny!, Pennsylvania, racism, Sparks, Twins, Why am I so stupid?, WNBA, Wyoming

By Smaktakula

And They All Lived Happily Ever After.

In which we opine on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Ask E. Jean: My Husband is Sleeping with My Mother ~ That motherfucker!

What Is It Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids? ~ It’s like being a kid yourself. A kid who has sex, stays out all night doing exciting things and has lots of money.

The Makers Of Axe Now Say It Can Cure Homosexuality ~ Well, a sharp blade can cure just about anything, but is it ethical?

Poll finds fresh increase in US racism ~ Europe must really be laughing their heads off at us right now. Or they would be, anyway, if they didn’t still have seasonal race riots or if they’d ever voted a black dude to head the EU. So stick that in your stein and drink it, Fritz!

Ultimate Fighter BREAKS His Penis in Half! ~ Sorry, folks–we feel that some things are just too awful to joke about.

What Is Your Hair Color Personality? ~ Master-race. Hey–you asked.

Individually, We’re Super-Nice People. It’s Only When We Run In Packs That You Want To Start Keeping An Eye Out.

Deaf Belgian twins, 45, win right to die after losing sight ~ If you were somehow able to ask Helen Keller what she thought of these monozygotic mama’s boys, she’d probably tell you, “Aughaguh ruwurgh!”

Costa Mesa confronts homelessness head-on ~ No, really–head on. Like with a car. They really don’t care for the homeless in the OC.

Alabama woman accused of biting husband’s genitals ~ Before you judge, try to remember that ball-biting is what passes for foreplay in Alabama. Those poor folks just don’t know no better.

Some say Obama will be last African American president ~ Notably the same political sages who said in 2007 that we’d never have an African-American president in the first place.

Basic hygiene at risk in debt-stricken Greek hospitals ~ And it’s not like the Greeks have ever been as crazy about hygiene as they are about, say, man-boy love.

The 10 biggest errors in baseball history ~ Shorts on the White Sox has got to be way up there. That was just gay, and we mean that in the bad way.

Yes, It Was Worse Than That Time They Threw The World Series.

Sparks Advance in WNBA Playoffs ~ So they’re still doing that WNBA thing? Well good! Good for them!

Did the Fish Sandwich That Jay-Z Bought Zadie Smith Violate NYT Ethical Guidelines? ~ Huh. So is this how you saw your future career when you got that acceptance letter from the Columbia School of Journalism? Just curious.

It’s So Big! ~ If we had a dollar for every time we heard that….

Condi Rice Is in No Position To Lecture Anyone on Foreign Policy ~ To be fair, her position as a Stanford political science professor does put her in a pretty good position to lecture people on foreign policy with some regularity.

Boy, 7, shot to death outside Pa. gun store ~ Not just irony–shootin’ irony.

Obesity is a Bigger Problem Globally than Hunger ~ Absolutely. A self-inflicted ‘epidemic’ that kills rich first-world folks over the course of decades is no less heinous than the sight of swole-bellied children starving to death under a fly-choked sky.

The Fact That You Will Never Have To Suffer Hypertension, Diabetes, Gout Or A Host Of First-World Maladies Should Put An End To Your Sense Of Entitlement And Also Help With Your Obvious Body-Image Issues.

Pennsylvania man fails at 2 suicide attempts on interstate before work ~ HR immediately pink-slipped that two-time loser.

Perfect 10? Never Mind That. Ask Her for Her Credit Score. ~ Hold on now. Remember, you can’t hump a credit score.

Is Islam’s prophet Muhammad to have more screen time? ~ Unless Regal Entertainment Group is actively seeking a fatwa, our guess is “no.”

Hermit Crabs Adapting To Kick Neighboring Crabs Out Of Homes ~ These arthropods are more properly called ‘Slumlord Crabs.’

Army of kids drenches Biden with massive waterpower ~ This could be the Rosetta Stone of all piss-jokes, if only we could unlock it.

Taking a different view of pedophilia ~ One clergyman’s take on this contentious issue.

“Don’t Spare The Rod. Am I Right, Fellahs?”

Ask the Headhunter: ‘Are Headhunters Worth Talking To?’ ~ The headhunter says that yes, headhunters are very much worth talking to.

Colorado coed breaks ankle on Wyoming mountain, records video ~ This is hardly out of character for her–she sent out a press release when she got her first period.

Why you want to ‘eat’ cute puppies ~ Because you’re Korean and it’s a cultural thing.

’89 School Shooting Survivor: ‘It Gets Better’ ~ “In 2004 I regained the ability to move my right thumb 45 °. I’m gonna walk someday–you wait and see!”

Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt Separated 8 Years Ago ~ And here we are still talking about it.

Alameda County sheriff seeks drone to fight crime ~ Is there an Alameda County in Kandahar? Otherwise this seems…we don’t know…kinda un-American?

Taliban Insurgents Learned Their Rage Through A Life Of War And Deprivation. Oakland Anarchists Came To It By Way Of The Middle Class.

The Mexican-American Conflict: A Pretty Good War

02 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in History

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Arizona, California, Canada, Colorado, further instances of Canadian perfidy, Great Britain, James Knox Polk, Let us help!, manifest destiny, Mexico, muchas gracias, Nevada, one-termer by choice, one-termers, outright lies, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Santa Anna, Somalia, Texas, there's a NEW Mexico?, treachery, United Kingdom, United States of America, Utah

By Smaktakula

Maybe You're Just Not Looking Hard Enough.

You’ve probably heard more than once that there’s no such thing as a ‘good’ war. The sentiment driving this notion is noble, and easy enough to understand: it’s hard to take any joy from a victory when even one life has been needlessly cut short. Moreover, there is also the sad legacy of war’s victims who survive the conflict only to return to shattered, empty lives.

The "Good War": Grandpa Liked WWII So Much, He's Still There.

World War II is sometimes considered a ‘good war’ in that it very literally halted the extinction of an entire people. This view necessarily tends to discount the ugly reality that the war cost the lives of just as many people and a great deal more, but was more egalitarian in that it distributed the horrors among a variety of nations. Others consider the US’s ill-fated War of 1812 among this select group of noble atrocities, because the dream of liberating Canada from her tyrannical British masters was a righteous and Heaven-sanctioned one, despite the ingratitude and surprising unhelpfulness of the Canadian people.¹

It's Just Like What Happened To Us When We Tried To Help Out In Somalia--You Try To Bring Light To A Wretched And Abject People, Only To Get Kicked In The Teeth For Your Troubles.

But the little known Mexican-American War is something everyone can get behind. Having recently acquired the Independent Republic of Texas, the United States under President James Knox Polk was looking for a little more real estate. Polk had long prized such material assets as the Napa Wine Country, Camp Pendleton Marine Base and California Adventures, so America’s 11th President–and by any estimate its most effective One-Termer–set his sights on wresting the Golden State from Mexico.²

YOINK!!!!

Polk was initially stymied in his efforts by that age-old bugbear of democratic republics, the notion that you can’t just go starting a war for no reason. But when it was determined that Mexico’s General Antonio López de Santa Anna (an early forerunner of future bad-guy, Adolf Hitler) was stockpiling Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) in the Sonora Desert, America was left with little choice but to act.

There Came A Point At Which The US Could No Longer Tolerate General Santa Anna's Shenanigans.

Although no WMD were ever found, the story did end happily, with the Mexicans chased all the way to Tijuana by the victorious gringos, and the Stars & Stripes lofted over the golden, rolling hills of California. However, it has so often been said that ‘a lawn does not cut itself,’ and like the storied swallows of Capistrano, in a final righting of history, the descendants of those long-ago Californios have since returned to California, bringing with them a great many friends whose ancestors had previously never been north of Michoacan.

¡Gracias, Amigo! Eso Fue Muy Amable Por Tu!

¹ It can sometimes be so difficult to resist playing historical “What If?”. Can you imagine what a powerhouse US Hockey would be today if the Canadians had only been a little cooler in 1812? ∞ T.
² Although California was far and away the most worthwhile of the Mexican lands prized by the Americans, Manifest Destiny also demanded an expanse of lesser real estate comprising the modern states of Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Utah as well as parts of Texas and Colorado. ∞ T.

Santorum Trifecta!

08 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad decisions, Colorado, foolish choices, Minnesota, Missouri, Mitt Romney, presidential primary, Rick Santorum, stupid voters, United States of America, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Rick Santorum turned a great many heads on Tuesday when  he apparently swept the Republican primaries in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado, proving once again that running right down the center of the USA is a big ol’ streak of stupid.

Folks, You May Think You're Being Funny, But This Is An Important Job. Don't You See You're Just Giving Him Hope?

You promised you wouldn’t vote stupid! ∞ T.

Headlines 12.15.11

15 Thursday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, History, Music, News, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apolo Ohno, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears, childish sexual innuendo, Colorado, crackheads, Denver Broncos, Elizabeth Taylor, fat people, Finland, Godzilla, great white shark, headlines, Japan, Jesus Christ, Justin Bieber, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, masturbation, moochers, Nadya Suleman, old people, Pauly D, rape, Tim Tebow, Tokyo, Twilight, Uranus

By Smaktakula
keegan fills 20 (Un)Intentionally Funny News Headlines

Reading Any Further Would Only Spoil The Fun.

In which we respond to the headlines, while ignoring the content.

***

Asians, Too, Mated With Archaic Humans, DNA Hints ~ So it’s not just Ashton Kutcher.

Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties.  Twice, whatever.  Get the fuck out.

Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.

Women Who Raped 17 Men Wanted More Than Just Sex ~ It took that long to find a man who was willing to cuddle.

Will Japan build a backup Tokyo? ~ Wouldn’t you?  One more Godzilla attack and that place is history.

Only The US And Chinese Militaries Have Caused More Damage To Japan’s Infrastructure.

LAPD investigates Bieber fan ~ Since when has liking shitty music been a crime?

Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.

How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.

Apolo Ohno’s Secret Stress Reliever  ~ Masturbation, and lots of it.

Mobile cage lets divers cruise alongside great white sharks ~ Sharks counter with gigantic, fin-cranked can opener.

No, ‘crackheads’ won’t get you ~ And we’re just supposed to take your word for that?

Crack Aficionados: They Seem Cute On TV.

Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy.  Boys are called heroes.

Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.

Hip repair for Barry Manilow ~ It’ll take a lot of work.  Barry was never hip.

Opinion: Tebow can thank this guy for win ~ Is it Jesus?  It’s Jesus, isn’t it?

“Go Broncs!”

Vineyard owner says hiring citizen workers was failure ~ Interminable stories about darling grandchildren didn’t have the salutary effect the growers anticipated.

‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s hardly the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.

Twilight may be hazardous to your health ~ Prolonged exposure will turn you into an eleven-year-old girl.

Brady makes little boy cry ~ Looks like the scandal doesn’t stop with Penn State.

Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.

Elizabeth Taylor’s look, for less ~ Eat lots & lots of fried foods.

This Is What Timeless Beauty Looks Like.

Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.

Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean to appear in stores next spring!

The Cheapest People in America ~ Dude, you best remember who signs your paycheck.

Pauly D and Britney Spears Party in Puerto Rico  ~ At this point, it’s kinda hard to tell who’s slumming.

Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers.  Maybe it does anyway.

Make Your Own Caption. We Suggest Something About “Roughing The Passer” Or “Tight End.”

What Has Come Before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X

Colorado No Longer Among The Minority Of States Where Charlie Sheen Has No Criminal Record

20 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

addiction, alcohol, Carlos Irwin Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, Colorado, domestic violence, douchebaggery, drug addiction, drugs, jackassery, laugh track, Look Who's Talking?, Max Headroom, Pauly Shore, rehab, substance abuse, tabloid headline, Three Men and a Baby, untalented stars, White Power

By Smaktakula

Cretinous tabloid headline Charlie Sheen is heading back to rehab at the court’s insistence.  Sheen is to spend thirty days at a rehabilitation facility, followed by thirty days of probation.  This makes it a full sixty days before he can go on a bender or backhand the woman he loves without automatically going back to jail.

Jenny Was Playing So Well, Too. It Was Such A Shame That She Had To Hit Herself In The Face With Her Racquet Five Times.

For a brief moment in the late 1980s and early 1990s, Sheen was thought to be on the verge of movie stardom.  This becomes somewhat more understandable when it is remembered that the same era gave us the Look Who’s Talking? and Three Men And A Baby franchises, Max Headroom and funnyman Pauly Shore.

Sheen is reportedly eager to serve out his time and get clean.  Following that, it’s expected he’ll return to doing what he does best: intoning shitty material that wouldn’t even be recognizable as an attempt at humor without the Pavlovian laugh track to squeeze some chuckles from the mouth-breathing audience.

His best shot at continued success is to stick to a simple formula: Don’t hit the bottle, don’t hit the wife.

Sheen, Seen Here At A White Power Rally, Has Shed Every Last Vestige Of The Human Being Named Carlos Estevez.

Crazy Bastard Thwarted In Bid For Awesome, Meaningful Death

17 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Justice, Middle East, Military, Mythology, National Events, People, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ailing nutjob, batshit crazy, Bucket-List Rambo, Colorado, crazy bastard, crazy fucker, death by exposure, drugs, Gary Brooks Faulkner, hashish, Nutty Buddy, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Pakistani forces, patriots, reckoning, Terrorism, the last sentence is positively Faulknerean, This Ends Here!, Usama Bin Laden, vendettas

Ailing nutjob Gary Brooks Faulkner apparently decided that if his time was short, he’d do his damnedest to drag Osama bin Laden down to hell with him.  Supplied only with the essentials–pistol & ammo, dagger, night-vision goggles and hashish–this nutty buddy somehow made his way from Colorado to Pakistan to go mano a mano with the FBI’s most-wanted man.         

Reportedly, Faulkner didn’t waste valuable energy and time attempting to determine friend from foe.   Anyone foolish enough to approach the Bucket-List Rambo received the same response: wild-eyed death threats.         

Sadly, Pakistani forces managed to capture Faulkner after a tense standoff.  In doing so, they denied this patriotic and batshit crazy American the honor of laying down his life in a knife fight with a cadre of bin Laden’s elite guards, while their master huddles cowering behind them; or of tumbling off a sheer cliff while locked in a death-embrace with bin Laden himself, perhaps voicing a cool exit line like, Neither of us comes back from this one, Osama; or as is a lot more likely, a lonely death from exposure in the vast and trackless wilderness of Pakistan, Faulkner’s final hours haunted by delirium and a maddening thirst, huddling pathetically in the meager shade provided by a boulder while hurling increasingly weak and nonsensical curses at the punishing sun.         

No One Here Gets Out Alive

Is One More Crazy Fucker In Pakistan Really Such A Big Deal? American Detained in Pakistan Had Sights on bin Laden – NYTimes.com.         

Smaktakula

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