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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: Rick Santorum

Please Don’t Vote Stupid!

04 Sunday Nov 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

Adolf Hitler, Barack Obama, death by not voting, democracy, democratic republic, Diddy, Hulk Hogan, ignorance--it's what America does!, Mitt Romney, Paris Hilton, Pauly Shore, Rick Santorum, stupid people, stupid voters, United States of America, Vote or Die!, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

In The Land Of The Free, It’s Just Something You Have To Do.

With the 2012 Presidential Election at last coming to its ugly and no-doubt contentious conclusion, the American public is eager for the cessation of those unpleasantries attendant with any election year, but which have become especially pronounced in recent years. The most ubiquitous among these are the dizzying array of inescapable political ads which ruin commercial breaks and jam the nation’s mailboxes and inboxes, replete with well-moneyed half-truths and contradictory claims designed to fool the very stupid. No less odious are the half-witted, hyper-strident statements made in public and on social media by partisans of all stripes, armed with questionable facts and subjective statistics culled conveniently from publications which mirror their dogmatically monomaniacal beliefs.

Folks, We Don’t Want You To Get The Idea That You MUST Vote. Particularly If You Aren’t Prepared To Vote Responsibly.

Most insidious of all, however, is a widely held misconception which is quickly gaining an acceptance so entrenched as to render it a bedrock tenet of the American mythology, and unless quickly checked, will continue to fill the hallways of power in Washington with ineffectual partisan functionaries perpetually running for re-election. This misconception most often takes form in the platitude,  ‘It’s vital to our democracy that everyone vote.’  Ignoring for the sake of argument the contention that the United States is a democracy,¹ the idea of voting at all costs, despite your head being firmly entrenched within your nether-regions, is a perfectly horrible notion.

He’s Right When He Says The Last Four Years Aren’t His Fault. They’re Yours.

But the idea takes shape further in the notion that if you don’t vote, you can’t complain, meaning only those who directly participate in the electoral process have a right to express dissatisfaction with the nation’s leadership. This is at best iffy logic in a society where freedom of speech is enshrined more highly than direct representation.  And yet, if we follow this flawed logic, we see that like those who didn’t bother to vote, those who voted for the winning candidate have also forfeited their right to complain. In fact, the only people with a right to complain are those who voted for the other guy.

The Great Thing About Mitt Romney Is That He Offers Choice–There Are Like 13 Different Versions Of The Man–You Can Vote For The One You Find Least Offensive.

***

They Told Her It Said “SLUT.”

By All Means, Take Your Political Advice From A Dude Who Can’t Decide Which Ridiculous Name To Call Himself From One Week To The Next.

You Still Think It’s Important For ‘Everyone’ To Vote?

Because It Feels So Good To Pretend To Know What You’re Talking About.

“24-Inch Pythons” Won’t Help You Vote Responsibly.

“They Voted Me In.”

***

¹In fact it is not.  The United States of America is, and always has been, a democratic republic.  We refer to the United States as a democracy because it’s easier, and because Americans are just a little bit stupid. ∞T.

Headlines 05.24.12

24 Thursday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Music, News, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

Arkansas, Barack Obama, death by cancer, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Fiona Apple, gay marriage, headlines, Mitt Romney, muslims, Opera, Rick Santorum, Robin Gibb, Rocky the Flying Squirrel, Secret Service, Why am I so lonely?, Won't Ask Don't Care

By Smaktakula

…And Makes A Friend For Life.

In which we comment on topical events after having only bothered to read the headlines, which at least makes us better-informed than the average American.

***

Fiona Apple’s new album title is 23 words long ~ We’ll have to take your word for it. We kinda zoned out after the word “Fiona.”

Obama challenged in Arkansas primary ~ The Arkansas primary also features a challenger to the law of gravity.

Latest Met Aria: Bad Opera News Is No News ~ Good opera news is similarly worthless.

Bear attacks man in outhouse ~ Relying on conventional wisdom, the man foolishly thought he would be safe from bear attacks while in the outhouse. Folks, hopefully you won’t have to learn the hard way that regardless of what you’ve been told, bears don’t always shit in the woods. Likewise, while it’s true that a frog’s ass is indeed water-tight, it should be noted that, excepting those individuals suffering from certain embarrassing conditions, so is yours.

Rick Santorum feels like Rocky Balboa ~ And yet he looks more like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.  Glad you’re gone, Rick. Stay gone.

“Marriage Is A Pact Ordained By God Almighty Between A Moose And His Squirrel.”

Robin Gibb, member of the Bee Gees, dies after battle with cancer ~ Hey, you know that song Staying Alive?…what? Oh, whatever–you people are so sensitive. Too bad he didn’t write a song called Too Soon.

Penn Judge: Muslims Allowed to Attack People for Insulting Mohammad ~ Because killing folks with whom they disagree is a central tenet of the faith, and you’re just going to have to learn to respect that.

Romney takes big lead in Arkansas, Kentucky primaries ~ The dimwitted hillbillies were delighted to be a part of the democratic process, not knowing what ‘fait accompli‘ means.

Welcome to the mortgage-free housing recovery ~ ‘Cause there ain’t no fixed-rate APR on a cardboard box.

He’s Living The Dream.

Woman fighting foreclosure arrested ~ Damn right. Every time we throw a punch at that smart-mouthed lady from the dry-cleaners, we spend a night in jail. It’s only fair other people should be punished for fighting, too.

Pit bull saves owner from oncoming train ~ And then devours him.

Jewish leaders expressed outrage ~WHAAAAAA?!? Normally they’re so passive about insults real & imagined.

Dating site: No ugly people ~ Sometimes–like chocolate and peanut butter–you wonder just what the hell took them so long to think of this.

In Your Heart Of Hearts You Know That Love Was Never Intended For One Such As You.

Man drowns after swan attack ~ Sad. When this happens, it means not only is Mother Nature out to get you, but that she has no respect for you whatsoever.

Kids with cancer: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” ~ Nobody’s had the heart to break the bad news: cancer kills.

Coroner: UK spy found in sports bag likely killed ~ So you read that the body of a secret agent has been found crammed inside a piece of sporting equipment and you immediately make the leap to foul play?

What I want Obama to say about gay marriage ~ The same thing we want him to say about straight marriage: nothing.

Sometimes We Wish You Guys Would Just Fuck And Get It Over With.

Would-be suicide bomber was U.S. informant ~ “If I had to do it again, I probably wouldn’t inform the US about my would-be suicide bombing attempt. In retrospect, that just seemed to defeat the whole purpose.”

Romney: American kids get ‘third-world education’ ~ Well, sure–because Romney could afford to send his children to private school. But don’t the rest of us have a right to expect a third-world education for our children as well?

What time do women want it? ~ The hour varies, but they call it ‘Smaktakula Time.’

Boy wonder comes of age on Wall Street ~ More specifically, in an anonymous bathroom stall of a Wall Street Dunkin’ Donuts.

Secret Service agents were ‘brutes,’ prostitute says ~ Folks–consider this one very seriously for a moment. Would you feel any more secure believing that the men in whose hands the President entrusts his very life were tender lovers?

“Fast? Baby, I Just Got That Out Of The Way So That I Could Take Care Of YOU. Now Let Me Show You A Little Something They Call ‘The French Z.’ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”

What Marginal Talent Will We Next Canonize Upon Death?

05 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, History

≈ 27 Comments

Tags

Al Gore, Amy Winehouse, boy bands, Davy Jones, Eddie Murphy, Grace Jones, Howard Jones, Jackass, JK Rowling, Led Zeppelin, Monkees, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Rick Santorum, Ryan Dunn, Sarah Palin, untalented stars, Whitney Houston

By Smaktakula

Smaktakula Is Not A Believer.

One has only to see the unlikely outpouring of affection bestowed upon murderous Jackass jackass Ryan Dunn to see that death is characterized not only by a ghastly odor of putrefaction, but also by a sheen of undeserved talent and a patina of ersatz societal worth. Because every famous corpse is now a rotting Mozart or a gas-bloated Shakespeare, it can be difficult to judge the true talents of debatable entertainment figures like Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse or Muammar al-Gaddafi.  When former-Monkee Davy Jones died a few weeks ago, you were probably a little surprised to discover that he was an unrecognized genius, and likely more than a little chagrined that you hadn’t realized it on your own when the Woodstock-era boy-bander was still alive. But don’t feel so bad; if Davy were still living, he’d still be a casino-performing novelty act, and no more a ‘genius’ than fellow Jonses Grace or Howard.

Actually, We're More Than A Little Frightened Of You.

Here are a few figures who, in death, may reach the artistic and intellectual heights they were denied in life:

Eddie Murphy

Kids--You Might Not Know That Eddie Murphy Wasn't Always The Donkey From 'Shrek." Playing An Ass Was Just Sort Of A Natural Step.

Al Gore

At This Point, We're Hoping That Maybe A Couple Polar Bears Really Will Drown. C'Mon, Folks--Al Needs This Bad.

JK Rowling

We Should Just Be Happy That She's Writing Books People Want To Read. And SHE Should Be Happy That We Didn't Put Any Of Those Words In Ironic Quotes.

Led Zeppelin

If You Steal Money From Elderly Widows, You're A Lousy Thief. If You Steal Music From Old Blues Men, You're One Of The Greatest Rock & Roll Groups Of All Time.

Sarah Palin

It's Like If Rick Santorum Had A Vagina.

Headlines 04.03.12

03 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

Africa, boobs, botulism, Brazil, breastuses, bumper sticker mentality, child abandonment, Chuck E. Cheese, death by soccer, drugs, Gollum, headlines, Iwo Jima, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Marines, Mexico, old people, political bumper stickers, prostitution, Rick Santorum, Seattle, Soccer, Vladimir Putin, Washington, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Is THAT What He’s Doing? Guess We’ll Stop Waving Back.

In which we get all the information we need from the headlines of the day:

***

Anti-Putin protesters form a 10-mile human chain around Moscow  ~ Anti-Putin protesters made into bizarre human chain in dungeons beneath Moscow.

Poor reading could be fatal ~ Oh, come off it. We’re as pro-literacy as the next satirical internet blog, but that’s just ridiculous. With the possible–and hilarious–exception of “Warning Sign Disasters,” this simply isn’t true.

Why Thursday’s sunset will be special for Seattle ~ No more sun ’till 2013.

Marine makes last stand in foreclosed home ~ We have to say it: a marine making a last stand in his foreclosed home smacks of weird craziness. Pity–if he’d only been making a last stand on some Godforsaken piece of earth that nobody could possibly want–then it would be noble.

Iwo Jima, The Translation Of Which Means “Sulfur Island,” Is Currently Uninhabited.

Rick Santorum winning more support from Republican women ~ There’s proof of gender equality for you, folks. Women are every bit as stupid as men.

IS BRAZIL DESTROYING THE AMAZON FOR ENERGY? ~ Well, that would be a good reason, anyway,–better than ‘Just ’cause they felt like it.”

Whatever Happened to First Class? ~ It’s still there–just not for you, peasant.

What You Lose When You Sign That Donor Card ~ YOUR PRECIOUS ORGANS!

Jennifer Love Hewitt loves her boobs ~ In this, we are united in our affection.

What We Like Best About Them Is Their Pleasing Shape And Size.

Prostitutes found in Mexico jail ~ Imagine that.  If you wanted to surprise us, you’d have said ‘soap.’

What’s Wrong With Being Single? ~ Only a loveless grotesquery would pose such a question.

Dad: Drug classes should be mandatory ~ We agree. The younger generation simply does not know how to do drugs properly.

Another child left at Chuck E. Cheese’s ~ You say it like it’s a bad thing, like dad abandoned his kid in the deep, dark, wolf-ridden woods. But at Chuck E. Cheese’s, the kid’s got a fighting chance. He can live in the moist darkness beneath the ball-pits like some pizza-house Gollum until he latches on with a new family.

Violence claims 4th soccer fan ~ We’re pretty sure they’re underreporting the death-toll from this heinous ‘sport.’

Wait! It Just Got Interesting.

Peter, Paul & Mary bassist dies ~ If you’re not Peter, Paul or Mary, in death you shall be remembered only for the instrument you played.

Is 14 too young for life in prison? ~ Fuck yes it is. What kind of idiot even has to ask?

The pain of being disinherited ~ You don’t get any money when Mom & Dad die!

How to handle an elderly loved one that won’t bathe ~ It involves the Jaws of Life and a high-pressure hose.

Few Things Are As Taxing As Caring For A Dirty Old Man.

Most food illness imported ~ Sad. Truly sad. We never thought there’d be a day America would have to import botulism.

Guess what almost killed ‘the Tiger Man of Africa’ ~ Was it a lion? A hippo, then! Damn, these things are hard.

Study: 33 is the best age ~ Not if you’re Jesus of Nazareth. No, 32 was a much better year.

Executed killer shouts ‘Go Cowboys!’ ~ And all the witnesses shouted “THE DEAD LIVE!” Or did you mean “Soon-To-Be-Executed?” That’s probably what you meant.

Does car tell your politics? ~ No, the feeble-minded bumper sticker on the back does that.

“No, It’s Great. By Adopting An Inflexible Attitude In Lieu Of Knowing The Issues, I Save Time By Not Having To Think About The Tough Stuff.”

More Current Events Irresponsibility:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI
  • Headlines XII
  • Headlines XIII
  • Headlines XIV

It’s Okay Kansas, You Just Don’t Know No Better

11 Sunday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

Amelia Earhart, bad decisions, Dennis Hopper, don't vote stupid, Dwight Eisenhower, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, foolish choices, Gwendolyn Brooks, Kansans, Kansas, Kansas City, Langston Hughes, Missouri, places that suck, Reverend Fred Phelps, Rick Santorum, Westboro Baptist Church, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Rick Santorum has been declared the winner of the Kansas caucuses!

Before You Judge The Kansans Too Harshly, Put Yourselves In Their Shoes. If You Were Forced To Live Out Your Days In An Anachronistic, Wheat-Choked Countertop Of A State With A Holstein Named Beulah As Your Sole Companion, You'd Likely Make Some Nutty Decisions Now And Then.

Did you know that Langston Hughes, Dennis Hopper, Gwendolyn Brooks, Amelia Earhart and Dwight Eisenhower all hailed from Kansas? Not a one of them thought enough of the place to die there.¹

Even Kansas' Most Famous City Isn't Actually IN Kansas.²

¹The Santorum vote starts to make more sense when you realize that Fred Phelps and his odious Westboro Baptist Church hail from Kansas. ∞ T.
²Okay, there is technically a Kansas City, Kansas–but you won’t ever be required to know that. ∞ T.

Headlines 03.06.12

06 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

1906 San Francisco Earthquake, boobs, breastuses, Celebrity Death Watch, date rape, Dave Mustaine, death by old age, divorce, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Drew Barrymore, drugs, dyslexia, Eddie Murphy, fat people, France, has-beens, headlines, heroin, hos, Lady Gaga, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, little people, LSD, Lybia, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, Megadeth, moobs, poor judgement, pop biology, prostitution, Rick Santorum, Shakira, short people, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, stalkers, Star Trek, sweet lady meg, the French, Trekkies, trippin' balls, TSA, Where Are They Now?, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so lonely?, Why am I so stupid?, women of easy virtue

By Smaktakula

Oh, Man! If We Had A Dime For Every Time This Has Happened.

In which we opine upon the headlines of the day without first reading the articles.

***

Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine backs Rick Santorum ~ See Kids? A bacchanalian life of drug-fueled debauchery is not without its consequences. Although the pernicious effects of addiction upon the family structure are well-documented and widely known, critical-thinking skills and good judgement are additional casualties.

The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!

‘Star Trek’ Divorce: Fan Forced To Leave Spaceship Digs ~ He should take some consolation in the fact that as someone who has, however briefly, known the carnal delights of female affection, he’s relatively unique among Trekkies.

Don’t worry, Eddie Murphy lives ~ We weren’t worried. Were you?

Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.

When It Comes To Holding A Grudge, Smaktakula Does Not Fuck Around.

Story: Woman stalked for 17 years: ‘I don’t think it’s over’ ~ Really? After nearly two decades, you don’t think he’s ready to move on?

Miracle baby born from a single sperm ~ Although we were inattentive (at best) in biology class, our understanding is that barring a multiple birth, the formula is 1 sperm +1 egg = 1 very expensive, back-talking pet.

Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.

OUTRAGE: TEEN PERP INVOLVED IN NEAR-FATAL SHOPPING CART PUSH MAY WALK ~ Would you people rather have him go through life a cripple? Not Promethean Times. We believe in you, Teen Perp!

So Very Brave.

“Help! I hate my husband.” ~ It sounds like you’re doing just fine, and don’t need our help despising your spouse.

One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.

Shakira saved from sea lion ~ How many times do we have to tell you?–Nature does not have your best interests at heart.

Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.

Her Designer Fragrance Is Called ‘As Dead I Well May Be.’

Evidence: Hitler had love child ~ ‘Love’ child doesn’t really work in the same sentence as ‘Hitler.’ We know it’s not particularly politically correct, but if there’s ever a time to bring back ‘bastard,’ this is it.

Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.

Style icon dies at fashion show ~ How gauche!

Police: Mom gave kids heroin ~ Kids today don’t know how nice they have it. We considered ourselves lucky if Mom gave us a nutmeg & codeine-syrup cocktail and told us to ‘Fuck off for a few hours,’ so she and Uncle Whatshisname could have some privacy.

O’Donnell & Handler offend little people ~ Yeah, but who cares what the little people think?

Making People Short Is God’s Way Of Letting Us Know They Don’t Matter.

San Fran earthquake survivor dies at 109 ~ When you take into account that the Great Quake was in 1906, it’s tragic how long that guy suffered.

Is Drew Barrymore Expecting? ~ Expecting what? We figure if that chick were fertile, she’d have been knocked up years ago.

TSA agent turns mother’s boobs into tourist attraction ~ We visited. Truly a land of milk & honey.

Ohio victim’s brother: ‘Lost my best friend’ ~ And his brother got killed–talk about a shitty day!

Cocktail of Popular Drugs May Cloud Brain ~ Wait–intoxication is a possible side-effect of consuming drugs? The devil you say!

I Was Only Dropping Acid To Restore My Ph Balance, And Had No Clue That I’d Be Trippin’ Balls. I’m A Gazebo, By The Way.

***

More Current Events Irresponsibility:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI
  • Headlines XII
  • Headlines XIII

Headlines 02.09.12

09 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

arson, bad parents, creepy, dolphins, drunken Native Americans, ethnic pandering, headlines, Jack Daniels, Jamie Lynn Spears, khat, Latinos, Los Angeles, Mitt Romney, Mogadishu, Native Americans, New Jersey, New York Giants, Newt Gingrich, Penn St., places that suck, playing the lottery as an investment, Rick Santorum, ShamWow!, ShamWow! Vince, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Somalia, Survivor, the French, the French people's love of stinky things, ugly people, US Navy, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

We respond to today’s headlines without first reading the stories!

Whatever. We’ll Continue To Invest Our Assets In Lottery Tickets.

Parenting After Penn State: Can We Trust Coaches with Our Kids? ~ As much as we ever could.

Today: Woman gives birth on N.J. train ~ As it happens, the child was conceived just two cars down.

Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.

Can’t Find Jeans That Fit? We Can Help ~ So can we. Lose weight.

This Undulant Curiosity Comes With Its Own Event Horizon.

Cops: Boy, 5, stabbed three over juice ~ You’d think after the first stabbing they’d just give the kid his fucking juice.

Santorum Surges, Romney Shrugs ~ Ew.  You know what that means, right?

Should teams lose for Luck? ~ Good question, Confucius.  We’ve got one for you: should a person starve himself for satiety?

The Navy Is Depending on Dolphins to Keep the Strait of Hormuz Open ~ The Navy must be hurting for fresh ideas. Dolphins can’t even keep their asses out of tuna nets.

‘Little Help?’

Unconsciously, Everyone Wants to Date a Hottie ~ But only unconsciously.  Our conscious mind directs us to copulate with fuglies.

Wild find: Half grizzly, half polar bear ~ 100% AWESOME!

Fun in Mogadishu? Indeed! ~ If you’re a khat-crazed buccaneer.

Jamie Lynn Spears: I’m Afraid of Not Being a Good Mom ~ Some fears are justified.

LA arson probe: Person of interest had ‘creepy’ smile, witness says ~ He totally did it, then.  The creepy smile is how you can tell.

What You’re Buying Is The Serial-Killer Smile; The ShamWow! Is An Extra.

What will Giants need to do in order to repeat? ~ Win another Super Bowl, ass.

Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that remains a mystery.

FIFTH OF GERMANS HOLD SOME ANTI-SEMITIC VIEWS – STUDY ~ The Germans? Wow, it’s always the ones you least suspect.

Native Americans, given less time to vote for president, sue SD ~ They always end up voting for Jack Daniels anyway.

“The Great Spirit Says I Must Seek A Vision.”

Former Survivor member sues Gingrich for using “Eye of Tiger” ~ You’d think they’d be thanking Gingrich–that song is about as old as he is.

Elderly Woman Leaves Condo To Homeless ~ And now no one wants to live there.

Helping your parents stay out of the nursing home ~ They can help THEMSELVES stay out of a nursing home by helping Smaktakula out with a little ‘Beanie Baby’ money.

Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ You best watch your mouth if you don’t want to end up scrubbing your own floors.

We’ve Practically Made Ethnic Pandering Into A Science.

More Fun With Headlines:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI
  • Headlines XII

Santorum Trifecta!

08 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad decisions, Colorado, foolish choices, Minnesota, Missouri, Mitt Romney, presidential primary, Rick Santorum, stupid voters, United States of America, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Rick Santorum turned a great many heads on Tuesday when  he apparently swept the Republican primaries in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado, proving once again that running right down the center of the USA is a big ol’ streak of stupid.

Folks, You May Think You're Being Funny, But This Is An Important Job. Don't You See You're Just Giving Him Hope?

You promised you wouldn’t vote stupid! ∞ T.

Headlines 01.20.12

20 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News, Politics, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Axl Rose, bad teeth, Beyonce Knowles, Blue Ivy Carter, breasts, breastuses, California, Catholic Church, childish sexual innuendo, Chinese Democracy, Chris Paul, Clippers, congress, Costa Concordia, death by cruise ship, dope, drugs, God, grass, headlines, hemp, Hope, inbreeding, Japan, Jay-Z, marijuana, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Nakh-Nakh the Pig, pederasts, pot, Powerball, reefer, Rick Santorum, schadenfreude, sweet sweet cheeba, taint, Teen Mom, Vladimir Putin, weed

By Smaktakula

Turns Out It’s Dark, Foul And Full Of Sand.

In which we comment on contemporary headlines without first reading the articles:

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there?  Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there? — This has endless hours of comedy potential!

Blue Ivy Carter: Why Did Beyonce And Jay-Z Choose That Name? ~ More to the point, why do you care?

What Is College For? ~ Doing drugs, having sex with questionable people and generally putting off real life for five or six years.  And maybe learning something.  You know, whatever.

Don’t Get Excited, Folks–It’s Just Tobacco.

Chris Paul’s Christmas present to the Clippers: Hope ~ Hope isn’t worth what it once was.

Good Minus God ~ Is just ‘0’.

Teen Mom 2′ star pregnant ~ Being a brood sow is part of her contract.

LA arsons: ‘Right guy’ arrested, police chief says ~ You notice how they’ve never got the wrong guy, even when they do?

Photography: Big Beasts ~ We did a double-take as well, but that’s ‘Beasts,’ as in wild animals.

No Man Can Tame Those Magnificent Beasts.

Axl Rose completes jury duty ~ Not only did this endeavor take far less time than did the making of ‘Chinese Democracy,’ but the court transcript proved far easier on the ears.

Is $2 Powerball ticket worth it? ~ If you win it is.  Otherwise, no.

Santorum on the rise: I’m the electable one ~ And we think you’ll be the best darn PTA recording secretary that the Midville School District ever had.  Wait.  You don’t mean for President, do you?  President of the United States and Leader of the Free World?  Rick, what fucking drugs are you on?

Accused killer’s attorney argues inbreeding a factor in slaying ~  We’ve tried using the same excuse to beat traffic tickets.  It doesn’t work.

How to pick a cruise line for safety ~ Try to choose one that won’t drag you and your family to your briny graves on the seafloor.

Not This One, For Example.

Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses  say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.

California Catholic bishop resigns, says he has 2 kids ~ At least he’s honest. A lot of clergymen have literally hundreds of kids before they’re caught.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks bigger in Japan.

3 cars hit woman in wheelchair ~ Some headlines are funny enough on their own without our help.

The Funny Comes Pre-Bundled.

More Topical Reading:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI

Trump’s Exit Leaves GOP Field Slightly Less Sleazy

27 Tuesday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Politics

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Donald Trump, GOP, Lex Luthor, Michelle Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, Republican Party, Rick Santorum, Ronald Reagan, the Donald

By Smaktakula

America Doesn't Need Another Privileged Child Of Wealth, But A Self-Made Man, Like Donald Trump's Father.

America’s Republican Party got a shot in the arm with the recent news that Donald ‘The Donald’ Trump has switched his party affiliation from Republican to Independent.  The real estate mogul and vulgar television personality had in years previous been registered as a Democrat.

Trump’s own plans are confusing.  According to a source he may be planning an independent run in 2012, but also claims he will support a particular Republican candidate when the time comes.  There is the danger that Trump’s opportunistic actions will divide the Republican field, allowing Barack Obama to win a second term despite his administration’s flagging popularity.  Experts agree that as catastrophic as this situation would be, it remains a small price to pay to avoid a Trump presidency.

Trump Would Have Brought Desperately Needed Dignity To The Republican Race.

Here are a few other faces whose defection would buoy the Republican Party:

Unfailingly Reminds The Public Of A Slimy Amphibian. Since Willard Romney Has A Manly Nickname Taken From A Piece Of Sporting Equipment,. Maybe They Should Have Called Gingrich "Jock."

***

"For God's Sake, Daddy--Don't Do It!" This Little Santora Loves The Republican Party THAT Much.

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Yeah, We Get It. Kryptonite Will Solve Our Energy Problems.

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Might Be A Little More Interesting If She Were Describing Her High School Boyfriend, And Not The Rapture.

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We Feel You, Man--But He's Gone.

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