Adolf Hitler, death by razor blade, douchebaggery, Halloween, he/shes, hermaphrodites, James Joseph Smith, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jehovah's Witnesses, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Minnesotans are evil!, outright lies, razor blade in apples, trick-or-treating, urban legends, Why am I so evil?
Anyone who’s ever gone trick-or-treating (sorry Jehovah’s Witnesses, you’ll just have to use your imaginations) has likely heard the various tales breathlessly told about tainted candy passed off to unsuspecting children. Although these ghastly stories of stranger-danger are myriad, chief among them in its capacity to fascinate and horrify the public consciousness is the legend of the razor blade hidden in an apple.
As a child, you were no doubt admonished never to eat an apple received while trick-or-treating (which ignores entirely the fact that anyone who gives out apples to kids on Halloween is already demonstrably ill), as psychos were believed to have developed some new-fangled technology for inserting a blade into the fruit without marring its skin. The tales weren’t limited to blades of course, but encompassed a variety of poking and piercing implements, including syringes. Although this rumor has persisted since the 1960s (and before that in the form of poisoned rather than bladed candy), it has never been true. Never, ever, ever. Never.
That is, it was never true until 2000, when Minneapolis-based douchebag James Joseph Smith decided to breathe life into the old tale by hiding needles in the candy bars he would give to trick-or-treaters. He was jailed after at least one child was injured by the deadly confection. Not only was Smith able to transform an amusing urban legend into a terrifying reality, but he simultaneously reinforced Promethean Times‘ long-held conviction that Minnesotans are by far America’s most evil people.
Jen and Tonic said:
People are such douches sometimes
Yeah, it’s cliche–but it boggles the mind.
Carrie Rubin said:
Don’t worry. Minnesota gets their comeuppance every winter when temperatures drop to below zero, and 8 feet of snow gets dumped on their sidewalks. I know. I’ve lived on the state’s border with ND. The place where your snot turns to ice within seconds.
I believe you. I was out there in late March and the weather sucked ass. My lowest point was in the rental car lot of the Fargo Airport. It was 10 at night, and the wind ripped my hat from my head and sunk through my moderately-wintery jacket. I stepped on my hat to keep it from dancing off into the prairie and sad aloud, “How can people fucking live out here?”
Carrie Rubin said:
Ah, yes, I remember those bone-chilling, hat-blowing winds well. I’d get home from walking back from classes, and the skin on my thighs would literally be red from the cold. And that was with long underwear on. Oh, sorry, was that TMI?
Nah, longjohn stories may titillate the farm-belt crowd, but out here we’re used to seeing a little skin.
Doggy's Style said:
I gotta share this with good friend of mine who is from MN and I often tell him people there is wicked, starting with him of course.
What a dick! Remember the legend about AIDs needles on gas pumps? Turns out, though, a gas pump is one of the germiest things you can touch! LOL
I remember those stories. I grew up at a time when some people would still make homemade treats like popcorn balls and caramel apples. I can’t imagine anyone doing that today. I always preferred the chocolate candy bars, but you know something’s missing from today’s world when we can’t trust others on a day that should just be fun for the kids.
lmao at the razor in the apple…yeah, I grew up with that urban legend, too. I remember my mom doing the ‘candy check’ before we could eat any of it….I like Halloween, but it’s just not the same kinda fun as when we were kids. We had a fall carnival on Friday (gotta call it that for the folks who think it is the devil) and then we had a party today – the kids could dress up, but not allowed to wear anything deemed too scary…wouldn’t want to give anyone night~terrors…ahem…it’s fun up until you have 120 kids on a sugar crash. Anyway – Happy Halloween!
El Guapo said:
I always thought that vulgar chocolate shapes was a better way to startle kids and offend their parents…
Well, we had 4 groups of trick or treaters last night, compared with 1 group last year. Halloween could be taking off here in Oz too…. Razors and needles in candy; scary, Smak….
Alex Autin said:
I’ll take the razor blade in the apple over those nasty peanut-buttery gloopy things wrapped in black and orange wax paper.
About Minnesota that is.
Sometimes I think Ohio is too far north for human habitation. Once I had to go to Chicago in the middle of March, which added further evidence to support that theory. At least Columbus is far enough from the lake that we don’t usually get a shit ton of snow like Cleveland does. We just get the freezing rain and ice storms from November till May.