Tag Archives: police

Worst. Lifeguards. Ever.

26 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

A Kitschy Curiosity In Your Fish Tank; An Unspeakable Horror In Your Pool.

There is something uniquely cathartic in the stories of those knuckle-dragging subhumans whose idiocy staggers belief, allowing us to bask in the knowledge that no matter how wretched we are or bereft entirely of common sense, there’s someone out there who makes us look like geniuses. For the insecure morons of the world, the news just gets better–there’s a whole town out there way stupider than you.  Welcome to Fall River, Massachusetts.

They May Not Be Competent, Intelligent Or Physically Fit, But The Special Cops In The FRPD Always Try Real Hard, And That's What Counts.

It was tragic, but hardly unusual when 36-year-old  Marie Joseph drowned last week at a Fall River community pool; drowning deaths claim a jillion lives each year.  However, what sets the mouth-breathing folk of Fall River from rank-and-file morons is the manner in which they dealt with this unpleasant situation.

Try The Blueberry Thai: You'll See The Floating Bodies, But You Just Won't Care.

They didn’t.  Joseph’s corpse floated unnoticed in the punishing summer sun for a full two days until someone realized that 48 hours is a hell of a long time to hold your breath.  It’s unclear why Joseph’s death was not reported by the group with whom she came to the pool, but police caution against a rush to judgement of any kind, admitting that the people of Fall River are drooling lackwits who make the hillbillies from Deliverance seem like the 1960s Sean Connery by comparison, and that it may be some time before answers are forthcoming.

Hey Stinky--When I Say 'Marco,' You Say 'Polo,' Okay? Okay. MARCO! MARCO! Dude, Are You Sure You've Played This Before?

Still, the public should draw confidence from this ghastly event rather than worry.  While it’s certainly astounding that this collection of intellectual houseplants managed to ignore a water-bloated floater for a couple days, it certainly makes the stoned lifeguards at your own community pool seem that much more competent.

The Brown Trout: Even Grosser Than A Bloated Floater.

Make-Believe Vigilante To Rejuvenate Motor City

23 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by in Cinema, Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Outlying Areas Such As Grosse Pointe Or Farmington Hills (Seen Here) Are Among The Last Remaining Enclaves For Detroit's Affluent.

Imagine a wasted and broken city, a great grey expanse of steel and concrete canyons, silent save for the echoing lamentation of pigeons and the constant scurrying rustle of the vermin who remain always just out of sight, and who are the true inheritors of this necropolis.  Picture streets festooned with rubbish and unnamable filth, faded newspapers dancing in the breeze as they skitter along crumbling sidewalks past abandoned industries whose soaped or broken windows stare out like blind eyes, but which once could see, and beheld a city on the come, a bright, raucous, thrumming and most of all–vital–metropolis, one which proved no more  substantial than the mirage of Cibola.

Chances are, the image in your head is a fairly accurate depiction of Detroit, Michigan in 2011.  Detroit, which once could truly be called Automobile City and boast of the world-famous Motown Sound, is now known primarily as the city which has made the most Olympic bids without ever being allowed to host the Games. The blighted, abandoned ruin has fallen so far as to make rust-belt crapholes like Gary, Indiana or Youngstown, Ohio seem prosperous by comparison.

Nothing Else Has Worked. What The Fuck, Right?

But a group of philanthropists believes it has a cure for the city’s myriad woes: RoboCop, the titular character in the 1987 film.  Although the technology to unleash a cyborg death machine upon the streets of the Motor City is still at least five years away, it’s hoped that a likeness of RoboCop might be similarly efficacious in revitalizing beleaguered Detroit.  A downtown statue of the fictional icon, fans argue, would be a steal at $50,000.

Things are looking good for fans of the project.  Just three days after beginning their funding drive, the statue’s backers say they’ve received the $50,000 necessary for the project.  Supporters hope that the statue of the gun-wielding mockery of human life will act as a magic totem of sorts, driving away Detroit’s  bad Ju Ju in much the same way as RoboCop did the career of Peter Weller, the actor who portrayed the fascist automaton.

"I Could Not Agree More With This Choice. Sometimes Extralegal Measures Are Needed To Keep Society Safe From The Bad Sort. You Know Who I'm Talking About."

We’re Not Too Proud To Offer ‘B’ Material

08 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Everywhere You Step, There's Another One. Literally.

We recently downloaded a free iPhone application, the name of which implied the app could identify sexual predators.  We decided to test it out at our local supermarket.

We braced ourselves for the possibility that a few individuals we encountered–perhaps even people we knew–might be sexual predators.  But we could not have prepared ourselves for the degenerate horror into which we had thrust ourselves.  Moments after we started the application, it registered a deviant.  As we moved around the store trying to triangulate and identify individual perverts, the data on the phone showed a dizzying increase in suspicious individuals.

"He's Climbin' In Yo Windows! He's Snatchin' Yo People Up!"

Eventually the data were showing more sexual predators in the immediate area than we could visually confirm, possibly indicating that some were hiding between the rows of food, or perhaps secreted under the flooring or in the back room.  Since the threat posed a greater danger than we were prepared to face, we chose to alert the authorities.

Little Billy's Parents Would Later Tearfully Tell The Police That Chester's Hair Should Have Been A Dead Giveaway.

We were understandably chagrined when the police informed us that the application was a pedometer–a device which measures walking or running distance, and not a pedo-meter, which furthermore, they were quick to point out, does not exist.

Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Children?

What?  They can’t all be winners, folks.

Promethean Short Short Stories: Singlewide Symphony

23 Friday Apr 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Literature, People, Promethean Short Short Stories, Relationships

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Heather sat outside on a chaise in deep sweating darkness, keeping company with her old friend Jose Cuervo.  Occasionally she slapped at the mosquitoes orbiting her thighs, which shone from under cutoff Levis like marble in the moonlight.

Travis couldn’t meet her eyes when he finally returned home reeking of engine oil and bad business.   

Not long after, she saw lights in the distance, watching them grow for a long time before the police cruiser arrived, wishing all her troubles could be so overt and so slow in coming.

Red and blue strobes lent the trailer a beauty she didn’t understand except that it reminded her of Christmas. 

Her heart broke a little watching them recede.