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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Category Archives: People

Revealed: Why John Adams Became President

02 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, History, Holiday, Humor, Mythology, National Events, National Politics, People, Politics, Relationships, Satire

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

guitar, Independence Day, John Adams, July 2nd, July 4th, lame presidents, marketable skills, President Adams, Samuel Adams, shitty psychics, Thomas Jefferson

By Smaktakula

1) He couldn’t play guitar.

2) Unlike his cousin Sam, a successful brewer to this day, he had no marketable skills.

3) His career as a psychic proved a bust when he made well-publicized but shitty predictions like this one:

The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival.*

A Lack Of Real Options Forced The Presidency Upon Him.

*Thomas Jefferson’s response: “Have fun at your ‘July 2nd’ party, loser!  See the rest of y’all on Sunday.  Bring chicks.”

This Day In History: July 2, 1776 CE

02 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Holiday, Mythology, National Events, People, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

1776, all men are created equal, Declaration of Independence, Founding Fathers, Great Britain, Independence Day, John Hancock, July 2nd, July 4th, King George III, liberty, Liberty Hall, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, Redcoats, taxation without representation, this day in history, Thomas Jefferson, United States of America

On which the Founding Fathers tell the tyrant King George III what he can do with his onerous taxes and hated Redcoats.

“Brothers, Let These Words Ring Out Not Only Across A Grateful Nation, But Also May They Resound Throughout Almighty Posterity Itself: Because In Signing This, We Are Good And Truly Fucked.”

This Day In History: September 10, 2001 CE

10 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, History, Humor, Mythology, National Events, People, Terrorism

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

"It's a culinary jihad!", Allahu Akbar: An Eatery For Infidels, Dougie McGinnis, Omaha, Osama bin Laden, pacts, September 10, that trick never works, The Future's So Bright I've Got To Wear Shades, this day in history, tomorrow is another day

On which Dougie McGinnis has high expectations for tomorrow’s grand opening of the Omaha Middle Eastern restaurant into which he has invested his entire life savings and mortgaged his home,  Allahu Akbar: An Eatery For Infidels.

The Future's So Bright, Dougie's Gotta Wear Shades.

What’s an Osama?

Meg: A Clear And Present Danger To The Golden State

09 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Health, People, Places

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

acid, California, drugs, Golden State, hallucinogens, LSD, marijuana legalization, Meg, Meg 2010, Meg Griffin, reefer, spice rack highs, sweet lady meg, sweet sweet cheeba, the Spice, weed

By Smaktakula

When Promethean Times first commented on the phenomenon of kids using nutmeg as a recreational hallucinogen (see Sweet Lady Meg), we believed–perhaps foolishly–that these were isolated incidents, and that the so-called ‘nutmeg epidemic’ would evaporate, as with Jenkem or the choking game.  It appears we were wrong.

Just as psychedelic art celebrated the mindspike chromaticism of LSD and reefer’s mellow high in the late 1960s, today’s nutmeg subculture is working hard to get more users on the Spice.  California has been particularly hard hit by this pernicious scourge.

California Will Say No To Pot, But Yes To Meg.

Stuff You Probably Didn’t Know About Wilford Brimley

08 Wednesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

cockfighting, DIABEETUS, Diabetes, Diabetes Cat, Howard Hughes, It's the right thing to do, John Wayne, True Grit, Wilford Brimley

By Smaktakula

"Chicken Slaughtering Chicken. It's The Right Thing To Do."

  1. Got his acting start with an uncredited role in John Wayne’s True Grit.
  2. Once worked as a bodyguard for playboy-turned-recluse Howard Hughes.
  3. Is an unabashed supporter of cockfighting.

The Resemblance Really Is Uncanny. Poor Beast.

Not What You Were Looking Four?

07 Tuesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Anne Rice, Baby Boomers, bulls, Chesley Sullenberger, crazy bastard, David Arquette, dope, douchebaggery, Dr. Grigori Perelman, dreadlocks, Garfield, goring, grass, Great Moments In American Diplomacy, Guy Fieri, hairless hit factory, hemp, hippies, Hiroshima, incompetent boobery, Japan, Jeffrey Jones, John Wayne Bobbitt, Jon Lovitz, Justin Bieber, Kathy Ireland, Lorena Gallo Bobbitt, marijuana, Michael Steele, Mike Tyson, Mom and Dad Save the World, nasty blond dreadlocks, Olive Garden, pirates, pot, Ramtha, reefer, Richard Simmons, Saudi Arabia, sweet sweet cheeba, tattoos, Teri Garr, Wallace Shawn

By Smaktakula

Well what did you think we were gonna call it?  Not what you were looking for four? Imbecile.

Newer readers who are unfamiliar with our “Not What You Were Looking For?” series may wish to review our first three fabulous installments:

  • Not What You Were Looking For?
  • Still Not What You Were Looking For?
  • Not What You Were Looking For, Episode III: The Search For Cock

promethan times Wrong!

world’s worst latin mullet; russian mullet No one wins when the M Virus spreads.  At least Iran has taken precautions.

hiroshima august 6 2010 Nothing happened on that date. But 65 years earlier, the place was smokin’!

ohn and lorena bobbit Looks like that dick got sliced again.

drunk irishman shit self We’ll agree that No Line On The Horizon wasn’t U2’s finest effort.

ramtha crazy; ramtha full of shit Well which is it?

grigori perelman god proof No one is God proof–not even that crazy bastard.

bulls goring mouth Bulls gore with their horns.  They bite with their mouths.  Now you know.

sad “richard simmons” Sad?  But we thought gay was a synonym for ‘happy’?

smoking marijuana wisely It can’t be done.  Have you seen how those people dress?

promathan times Wrong!

penis fact 1952 Fact: The penis wasn’t even invented until 1955.

real garlfield cat We’re sorry that it falls upon us to tell you this, but we think you should know that Garfield isn’t real.  That’s right, he’s a cartoon character.  Douche.

live aid Live Aid did a lot of good for a lot of people.  Also, Freddy Mercury was a beloved performer who helped to put a human face to AIDS.

justin bieber sexy You’ll recall that we wished ill upon the hairless hit factory.  For sexy JB, this is more your bag.

lazy bastards on unemployment Now you’re just trying to stir up trouble.

hippie elderly people Sadly it’s true: the Baby Boomers are retiring.  They look forward to travel, spending time with their grandchildren, and self-indulgently sucking dry the nation’s financial marrow.

do dread make your head big In some instances it do.  If you blond, it make your head stupid.

pictures of black actor died Haven’t we already been through this?

how many californians smoke marijuana Too many of them.

prerry herd Is that dirty?  It sounds dirty.

saudi punishment The punishment is that the senior class won’t have a dance this year.  And they’ll all be flogged.

michael steele douchebaggery It was incompetent boobery, actually.

guy fieri pirate With that hair, we can definitely see it.  Or do you mean like a buccaneer-type pirate?

great moments in american diplomacy Here, Here and Here.

bull cow smiling Don’t trust that hermaphroditic bovine.

july 14, 1789 a.d. paris It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.  Feel free to start a novel with that line.

captain sullenberger wife beater Captain Sullenberger’s wife: backtalker.

author renounces catholicism And nobody noticed.

divorced happy photos We’re guessing you spend a great deal of time huddled in a corner, weeping.

commercials we hate olive garden That’s so weird–we hate those commercials, too!  Also Bush’s Original Baked Beans.

david arquette tats You’ll wish you hadn’t.  Sooner rather than later.

cast of mom and dad save the world It Features Jon Lovitz, Teri Garr, Kathy Ireland and the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard rendered into flesh and blood, Wallace Shawn.  Also this dangerous child molester.

mexican marijuana A lot like domestic marijuana except it works harder and costs less.

promethean times Right!

Careless Boy’s Mother Ruins A Good Thing

03 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, General Foolishness, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

California, Christine Shreeve Hubbs, coming of age, Coo Coo Ca-Choo!, cougars, double standards, hot sex offenders, molestation, Mrs. Robinson, nice job Mom, sex and firearms, sexual predators, skankery, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, The Graduate

By Smaktakula

"Mrs. Robinson, You're Trying To Molest Me."

Livermore, California: A local skank faces 67 charges related to sexual acts with teenage boys.  Christine Shreeve Hubbs, 42, is said to have engaged in the scandalous behavior with two junior high school students, both in her home as well as in a motel. 

Hubbs is also facing several charges relating to contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  She is alleged to have purchased BB guns  for her two victims, and allowed them to perform “drive-bys” from the back of her moving Hummer.  The victims also add that Hubbs plied them with gift cards and cash.   

And Here's To You, Ms. Hubbs. Adolescent Boys Love You More Than You Will Ever Know. Coo Coo Ca-Choo!

As with all good things, this idyllic life of sex, easy cash and firearms was destined to end.  One of the boys was careless with his cell phone, which contained nude pictures of Hubbs.  The boy’s snooping mother found the pictures and called the police, who brought this charming coming-of-age story to an abrupt and frustrating end. 

How events might have unfolded differently if the boy’s father had stumbled across the phone before his mother can only be conjectured.          

Because Opportunities Like This Come Along So Frequently When You're Fourteen.

When am I gonna get over this?  I don’t know, Mom–How about NEVER?

Man, The Discovery Channel Really Pissed That Guy Off

02 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Corporate Culture, Crime, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Justice, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Terrorism

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

assfaces who write manifestos, batshit crazy, crazy people, death by sniper, Discovery Channel, douchebaggery, environmentalism, James Lee, James Lee was batshit crazy, loveless loners, Old Yeller, Shark Week, Terrorism

By Smaktakula

Self-loathing nutjob James Lee stormed into the Discovery Channel offices Wednesday looking for justice.  Instead, the environmental radical bumbled his way into a delicious pile of irony.

Lee’s apparent purpose was to serve as a sort of homicidal spokesperson for nature.  The police obliged by shooting him down like a dog.

"Another Thing: Why Can't We Have 52 Weeks Of SHARK WEEK?" We Hear You, Brother.

Bonus: There’s one less nasty human messing up the planet.  Way to take one for the team, Jim!

Jimmy Carter Makes Modest Headway In Ongoing Bid For Historical Relevance

31 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Crime, History, International Relations, Justice, National Events, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Aijalon Gomes, Bill Clinton, Bill vs. Jimmy, comical despots, do-gooders, Euna Lee, Habitat For Humanity, historical footnote, historical footnotes, hostages freed, I just called 'em both 'LingLee.', ineffectual presidents, Jimmy Carter, Kim Jong-il, Laura Ling, North Korea, one-termers, President Carter, President Clinton, skonks, Slick Willy

By Smaktakula

Historical footnote Jimmy Carter has managed to secure the release of Aijalon Gomes from North Korea.  Gomes had been sentenced to eight years hard labor under the autocratic regime of the dying, but still comically despotic Kim Jong-il.

Showing America's Soft Underbelly To Her Enemies Didn't Do It, And Building Houses For The Needy Didn't Do It Either. Perhaps Freeing A Few Hostages Will Help Erase The Stigma Of Being An Ineffectual One-Termer.

Although Carter is unable to claim to be the first white-haired Democratic Ex-President to secure the release of American hostages in North Korea, he is proud to say that he is the first not to bang them on the plane ride home.

"One Was Named Lee And The Other Ling, But I'll Tell You What, Brother--I Was Damned If I Could Tell The Difference!"

Manny Ramirez Now Chicago’s Problem

31 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Culture, Games, National Events, People, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

American League, anabolic steroids, Baseball, baseball trades, cheaters, Chicago White Sox, cleared waivers, female fertility hormones, good riddance, human choronic gonadotrophin, Los Angeles Dodgers, Major League Baseball, Manny Ramirez, Minnesota Twins, MLB, National League, really huge knockers

By Smaktakula

The Chicago White Sox claimed Manny Ramirez on Monday off waivers from the Los Angeles Dodgers.

The White Sox hope that the rapidly aging abuser of female fertility hormones will be able to deliver enough with his bat to make the difference in their increasingly desperate battle with the Minnesota Twins for first place in the American League Central.

The moment is bittersweet for the Dodgers, bringing to close a sometimes-exciting, sometimes-frustrating era of dreadlocked douchebaggery.  Sadly for the Dodgers and their fans, unreliable space-waster George Sherrill still remains.

Ramirez Explains That Gobbling Human Choronic Gonadotropin Gave Him "Really Huge Knockers."

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