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Tag Archives: Olympics

What, You Can’t Pee On Little Kids Anymore?

16 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by in Crime, Music, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Vietze's Career Is Golden And Smells Of Ammonia.

Talented downhiller Robert “Sandy” Vietze found out too late that when he urinated on a little girl during a flight to New York, he was also pissing all over his once-promising Olympic career.  The elite skier, 18, reportedly traded Olympic gold for a golden shower when he hosed down the sleeping 11-year-old during a redeye flight from Portland.

It Happened Pretty Much Like This.

Although he has been removed from the US Team roster,Vietze will likely escape prosecution because the girl, who was travelling to New York with her cancer-stricken father, is to too traumatized to provide evidence.  She and her family are trying to make the best of this horrifying experience.

When You Wake Amid A Golden Shower, It Can Seem Overwhelming.

Vietze is obviously concerned about that public reaction to the incident not be overblown, claiming that his actions were inadvertent and completely out of character.  The athlete doesn’t want to be painted as irresponsible, explaining that he had no way of knowing that the eight alcoholic drinks he consumed immediately before takeoff would have such a profound affect on his judgement.

R. Kelly Also Likes To Pee On Little Girls, But Unlike Vietze, He'll Make Honest Women Of Them.

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North Korea: Crazy For The Orympics

20 Wednesday Jul 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics, Sport

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By Smaktakula

We're Not Making Excuses For N. Korea's Poor Performance, But The First Time The Team Saw An Actual Soccer Ball Was During The Match.

You have to admire those plucky North Koreans.  Starving, impoverished and confined to a backwater shithole that makes Yemen look like Westchester County, the North Koreans still manage to delude themselves with dreams as distorting of reality as those of any first-world nation.

South Korea > North Korea

North Korea has achieved this interior disconnect by building upon an incremental foundation of self-deception.   Recently this manifested itself in a self-scored second place in a worldwide happiness ranking.  Emboldened by their program of denial, the North Koreans have now expressed interest in piggybacking onto South Korea’s 2018 Olympic bid.  Unsurprisingly,  South Korean reception to this notion has been tepid at best.

The North Korean Power-Lifting Team Is The Pride Of Pyongyang.

Sport has taken on a greater emphasis under the comically despotic reign of Kim Jong-il than it did under his father, Kim Il-sung.  ‘Lil Kim is an accomplished athlete, numbering among his many athletic accomplishments an amazing eleven holes-in-one the very first time he played golf.

Goat Kicking: Shitty Country, Shitty Sports.

Despite being the global equivalent of the athsmatic fat kid picked last for kickball, the average North Korean is excited about the blighted hellhole’s negligible chance to co-host the Olympics.  Moreover, enthusiasm for the Games has grown in recent weeks with the spread of the false rumor that competitive eating has been added to the Olympic program.

In Famine-Ravaged North Korea, This Qualifies As Pornography.

Make-Believe Vigilante To Rejuvenate Motor City

23 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by in Cinema, Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Outlying Areas Such As Grosse Pointe Or Farmington Hills (Seen Here) Are Among The Last Remaining Enclaves For Detroit's Affluent.

Imagine a wasted and broken city, a great grey expanse of steel and concrete canyons, silent save for the echoing lamentation of pigeons and the constant scurrying rustle of the vermin who remain always just out of sight, and who are the true inheritors of this necropolis.  Picture streets festooned with rubbish and unnamable filth, faded newspapers dancing in the breeze as they skitter along crumbling sidewalks past abandoned industries whose soaped or broken windows stare out like blind eyes, but which once could see, and beheld a city on the come, a bright, raucous, thrumming and most of all–vital–metropolis, one which proved no more  substantial than the mirage of Cibola.

Chances are, the image in your head is a fairly accurate depiction of Detroit, Michigan in 2011.  Detroit, which once could truly be called Automobile City and boast of the world-famous Motown Sound, is now known primarily as the city which has made the most Olympic bids without ever being allowed to host the Games. The blighted, abandoned ruin has fallen so far as to make rust-belt crapholes like Gary, Indiana or Youngstown, Ohio seem prosperous by comparison.

Nothing Else Has Worked. What The Fuck, Right?

But a group of philanthropists believes it has a cure for the city’s myriad woes: RoboCop, the titular character in the 1987 film.  Although the technology to unleash a cyborg death machine upon the streets of the Motor City is still at least five years away, it’s hoped that a likeness of RoboCop might be similarly efficacious in revitalizing beleaguered Detroit.  A downtown statue of the fictional icon, fans argue, would be a steal at $50,000.

Things are looking good for fans of the project.  Just three days after beginning their funding drive, the statue’s backers say they’ve received the $50,000 necessary for the project.  Supporters hope that the statue of the gun-wielding mockery of human life will act as a magic totem of sorts, driving away Detroit’s  bad Ju Ju in much the same way as RoboCop did the career of Peter Weller, the actor who portrayed the fascist automaton.

"I Could Not Agree More With This Choice. Sometimes Extralegal Measures Are Needed To Keep Society Safe From The Bad Sort. You Know Who I'm Talking About."

Short People: At Last, A Reason To Live

04 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by in Science, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

What's With All The Hostility, Stretch?

Let’s be perfectly clear: we have nothing against short people.  Although we have in the past referred (and will no doubt continue to do so) to the vertically-challenged as runts, trolls, homunculi or other appellations highlighting their stunted stature, this should in no way be construed as a judgement against the puny.  Short people can sometimes be a boon to society.

You Won't Just Be Pissing Off Shorty With This One.

Imagine a world without jockeys, where the famed Kentucky Derby was no more than a live-action carousel.  What would chain-smoking old Southern dames do with their time?  Without male gymnasts, the Summer Olympics would run a few hours shorter.  If there had been no tunnel rats during the Vietnam Conflict, who would be given the suicidal task of crawling down booby-trapped VC tunnels to blow up a few AK-47s and some rice?

Although A First-Tier Nation Is Out Of The Question, Opportunities In Political Leadership Exist For The Diminutive.

Despite this, these human elves are still reviled and mistrusted for their handicap.  Sometimes this societal prejudice against people of retarded stature is overt, such as Randy Newman’s hate anthem, Short People.  But bigotry is often more subtle, evidenced in the plethora of Big & Tall stores and telling absence of Little & Short stores.

Nutty Cult Leader Charles Manson, 5'2", Believed That Coffee Had Stunted His Growth, Much To Abigail Folger's Eternal Regret.

It’s tough to be a runt these days.  Not only have these wretched little creatures been cruelly afflicted by an unfeeling and capricious God, but they also must endure well-meaning patronization from normals.

NBA Oddball Spud Webb Has Been Granted Honorary "Normal" Status For His Feats On The Court.

Lift your heads up, little people*–we’d like to leave you with a short thought.  The world would be a much poorer place without you.  You give us laughter.  You give us Tom Cruise movies.  Without you, guys who are 5’10” wouldn’t be able to think of themselves as tall.

Little People Are Not Toys! In Fact, Homo Sapiens And Homo Runticus Are Believed To Have Shared A Common Ancestor.

*Seriously.  People might like you better if you stopped talking to their crotches. ∞T.

Snowboarder’s Empire Could Go Up In Smoke

03 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Sport

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By Smaktakula

Just Take A Look At The Man--He's High Right Now!

Michael Phelps’ fall from grace and subsequent loss of several lucrative endorsement deals after being photographed pulling on a bong must send a chill through the athletic community, particularly among those athletes in low-paying sports who depend on endorsements to maintain their lifestyle.  According to friends, snowboarder Shaun White is one of the athletes said to be playing on the edge.  Said an unnamed source, “We keep trying to tell Shaun that he’s just one bust away from stocking the salsa bar at Baja Fresh.”

We Sincerely Hope That Shit Was The Sticky-Icky Super-Chronic, Mike, Considering What It Cost You.

Promethean Times managed to secure an interview with the Flying Tomato at the athlete’s home.   Although our intern, Arturo, spent over twelve hours with White, the interview tapes last only a few minutes, Arturo’s questions having to be squeezed in between White’s interminable Xbox sessions with friends, tours of his home which included views of his extensive air-freshener and incense collection, and the athlete’s repeated offers of such sundries as Red Vines, Corn Nuts and Funyuns.

The Olympic Committee Stripped Canadian Snowboarder Ross Rebagliati Of His Medal When He Tested Positive For THC. It Was Later Returned After It Turned Out That Ross Had Merely Stepped Into An Elevator Where "A Bunch Of Guys Had Just Been Getting High," Inadvertently Inhaling Some Of The Smoke. That And He'd Eaten A Poppyseed Bagel A Few Days Before. They Can Totally Mess Up A Test.

Perhaps White’s most salient insight during the interview was this:

Yeah, I’ve heard the rumors–who hasn’t?  I want to clear the air–heh–regarding this matter once and for all: I don’t smoke pot.

He went on to add:

But I saw on TV one time that for someone to overdose on marijuana they’d have to smoke a bag of weed the size of a house, and they’d have to do it in like fifteen minutes or something!

Dude, can you totally imagine a house made of pot?  That would be fuckin’ sweeeeeeeeeet!  People’d be like, “Hey Shaun, what happened to your doorknobs, man?”  And I’d be like, “I don’t know, man!”

At this one of Shaun’s friends whispered in his ear, after which the Gold-Medal ginger said:

Um, I mean just for pretend, y’know?–Completely and totally not for reals.

Hey dude, are you recording this?

Reefer Is To Snowboarders As Oxygen Is To Humans.

Of course, like anyone else, White is innocent until proven guilty.  Even if the rumors prove false, the damage has been done.  Many within the sport privately fear that recurring allegations of marijuana use among its athletes could doom snowboarding’s clean-cut image forever.

Shaun Burns The Half-Pipe, But He Shreds On A Bong.*

*You thought we’d go with the “Weedies” angle, didn’t you?  Too easy.  ∞T.