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Tag Archives: the Germans

Headlines: Badly-Named And Born To Kill

14 Friday Jun 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Headlines, Politics, Religion, Science, Stupidity

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

Baby Boomers, Baby Boomers eat their young, Barack Obama, cannabis, Chelsea Handler, childish sexual innuendo, Christians, Christopher Dorner, Europeans, Game of Thrones, Guantanamo Bay, hemp, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jewish people, John Travolta, marijuana, oral sex, pot, pot smokers, Rashida Jones, reefer, Richard Gere, Secret Service, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, the Germans, urban legends, weed

By Smaktakula

His Crime? That Fucking Name.

In which we celebrate our ignorance by commenting on the headlines of news stories we can’t be bothered to actually read.

***

Only Children: Lonely and Selfish? ~ Sounds like someone had to wear hand-me-downs again this year. Loser.

Obama won’t let daughters date sans Secret Service protection ~ We’re pretty sure that every father wishes an entire federal agency were tasked with securing his daughters’ virginity.

Study: Why Pot Smokers Are Skinnier ~ Smaktakula is just 25 pounds away from weighing 1/8th of a ton. Make of that what you will.

There’s More to Life Than Freezing Your Eggs ~ But paradoxically, if you have to be told that, then no, there isn’t.

Study Reports Disinfecting ICU Patients Could Reduce Infections ~ Somebody spent time and money to determine that infections could be reduced by taking measures to reduce them. Unless this study was conducted by kindergartners, it’s time to set those research goals a little higher.

“Fluids Help Prevent Dehydration.” That’s Why He Went To Medical School, Folks.

Rashida Jones: Sorry for saying John Travolta should ‘come out’ ~ Plus, it got totally taken out of context. All she meant to say was that John Travolta is actually a gay man who is only pretending to be heterosexual, and that he should stop doing that.

Baby boomers are killing themselves at an alarming rate, begging question: Why? ~ Right, ‘Why?’ as in ‘Why look a gift horse in the mouth?’

Review: Firing of ex-LAPD officer Dorner justified ~ Oh, you mean the firing of that dude who subsequently went on a murderous rampage? Thanks for looking into that.

Europeans All Related by Genetic Footprint Dating Back Only 1000 Years Ago ~ So there’s no difference between, say, a German and a Frenchman? That’s a hell of a thing to say.

When to Do Surgery on a Child With ‘Both’ Genitalia ~YAAAAGHHH! Immediately! Do it now! Right now!

Like Richard Gere And His Gerbils, Once You’ve Heard That Rumor, You Just Can’t Look At Jamie Lee The Same Way.

3 Kids Electrocuted While Swimming Points To A Shockingly Common Danger ~ Insensitive puns? Stupid people? It points to a couple, actually.

Why Penis Pictures Aren’t Pretty ~ It’s tough to take a pleasing picture when your subject is a bald, wrinkly, one-eyed trousersnake, and kind of a cock.

The gay airman who took on the US military ~ A truly heroic undertaking, but not without its consequences: he’s gonna walk that way for the rest of his life.

Chelsea Handler Gets Gentile Kiss From BF ~ What’s a ‘Gentile Kiss?’ Is that like oral sex? Because the Jewish girls we used to know wouldn’t do that.

Can a Christian watch ‘Game of Thrones’? ~ If that Christian ponies up the cash for HBO, he or she can watch quite easily.

Plus, If You Squint, He Kinda Looks Like Jesus.

Single mother’s simple error earns her $14 million lottery prize ~ Simple Johnny’s mom has been a lot nicer to him ever since he picked the winning numbers for her lottery ticket.

Race tied after candidate’s wife doesn’t vote ~ Candidate immediately softens his stance on domestic violence.

Guantanamo inmate: Obama has abandoned us ~ Oh, he did that back in January 2009. Don’t feel bad; it’s not only you who’s just now figuring that out.

Top 9 Things You Should Never Say To A Single Mom ~ “Wanna go out?”

3-Inch Fossil Holds Clue to Human Split From Apes ~ There’s no mystery behind the split. The reason our two species diverged–and I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I’m just laying it all out on the table–was because the apes were holding us back. I mean, look–it’s been like a great-gazillion years since then, and they’re STILL living in trees and pass the time by pelting one another with well-aimed clods of their own poo. Meanwhile, humans have not only journeyed to the moon and divined the secrets of the atom, we’ve also hunted some of those ape motherfuckers almost to the point of extinction. Homo Sapiens, BEYOTCH! 

If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It.

Nobody Loves The Opossum

25 Friday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Science

≈ 32 Comments

Tags

despised things, Germany, has-beens, Heidi the Cross-Eyed Opossum, hideous creatures, Indiana, Kirstie Alley, mammals, marsupials, Mississippi, opossums, possum-killing, possums, robins, Shelley Long, starlings, the Germans, vermin, washed-up celebrities, Where Are They Now?, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Stupid, Despised And Unfit To Live, Yet The Opossum Still Flourishes. The State Of Indiana Can Be Explained In Much The Same Way.

Spare a moment of thought, if you will, for that most wretched and despised of God’s creations, the opossum.  Sometimes called simply a ‘possum,’ this primitive marsupial is most famous for its disgusting prehensile tail and its trick of playing dead when threatened.  Opossums are also notable for having the smallest brain-to-body size ratio of all mammals.  The combination of these factors ensures that the opossum is paramount among the world’s cowardly, hideous and stupid creatures.

Heidi The Cross-Eyed Possum Is A Celebrity In Germany, Whose People Are Justifiably Proud Of Their Reputation For Protecting Those Things Which Are Both Exotic And Defenseless.

No one advocates for the opossum, or regards it as anything other than filthy vermin.  Washed-up, bloated celebrities won’t appear on late-night infomercials extolling the good works performed by the Opossum Relief Fund, while images of abused and neglected opossums play to sad music.  Deranged old ladies never leave out bowls of milk for these skulking night-rats.

Despite All That’s Happened, Kirstie Alley’s Career Has Yet To Fall Below The ‘Possum Line.’ Sadly, The Same Cannot Be Said For Shelley Long.

Not usually eaten in first-world nations (we know you just can’t help yourselves, Mississippi), the opossum’s life is denied even that value accorded to a barnyard hen.  Unlike say, a robin or starling, nobody ever has a life-changing moment after killing an opossum with a BB gun.  Quite the opposite in fact; it’s not uncommon to hear possum-killing described with great satisfaction: “I’m glad I drowned that filthy creature in a trashcan filled with motor oil and lawn clippings.”

“Well, Aren’t You Just The Cutest Thing? Rusty–Get My Slingshot.”

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