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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: Guantanamo Bay

Headlines: Badly-Named And Born To Kill

14 Friday Jun 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Headlines, Politics, Religion, Science, Stupidity

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

Baby Boomers, Baby Boomers eat their young, Barack Obama, cannabis, Chelsea Handler, childish sexual innuendo, Christians, Christopher Dorner, Europeans, Game of Thrones, Guantanamo Bay, hemp, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jewish people, John Travolta, marijuana, oral sex, pot, pot smokers, Rashida Jones, reefer, Richard Gere, Secret Service, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, the Germans, urban legends, weed

By Smaktakula

His Crime? That Fucking Name.

In which we celebrate our ignorance by commenting on the headlines of news stories we can’t be bothered to actually read.

***

Only Children: Lonely and Selfish? ~ Sounds like someone had to wear hand-me-downs again this year. Loser.

Obama won’t let daughters date sans Secret Service protection ~ We’re pretty sure that every father wishes an entire federal agency were tasked with securing his daughters’ virginity.

Study: Why Pot Smokers Are Skinnier ~ Smaktakula is just 25 pounds away from weighing 1/8th of a ton. Make of that what you will.

There’s More to Life Than Freezing Your Eggs ~ But paradoxically, if you have to be told that, then no, there isn’t.

Study Reports Disinfecting ICU Patients Could Reduce Infections ~ Somebody spent time and money to determine that infections could be reduced by taking measures to reduce them. Unless this study was conducted by kindergartners, it’s time to set those research goals a little higher.

“Fluids Help Prevent Dehydration.” That’s Why He Went To Medical School, Folks.

Rashida Jones: Sorry for saying John Travolta should ‘come out’ ~ Plus, it got totally taken out of context. All she meant to say was that John Travolta is actually a gay man who is only pretending to be heterosexual, and that he should stop doing that.

Baby boomers are killing themselves at an alarming rate, begging question: Why? ~ Right, ‘Why?’ as in ‘Why look a gift horse in the mouth?’

Review: Firing of ex-LAPD officer Dorner justified ~ Oh, you mean the firing of that dude who subsequently went on a murderous rampage? Thanks for looking into that.

Europeans All Related by Genetic Footprint Dating Back Only 1000 Years Ago ~ So there’s no difference between, say, a German and a Frenchman? That’s a hell of a thing to say.

When to Do Surgery on a Child With ‘Both’ Genitalia ~YAAAAGHHH! Immediately! Do it now! Right now!

Like Richard Gere And His Gerbils, Once You’ve Heard That Rumor, You Just Can’t Look At Jamie Lee The Same Way.

3 Kids Electrocuted While Swimming Points To A Shockingly Common Danger ~ Insensitive puns? Stupid people? It points to a couple, actually.

Why Penis Pictures Aren’t Pretty ~ It’s tough to take a pleasing picture when your subject is a bald, wrinkly, one-eyed trousersnake, and kind of a cock.

The gay airman who took on the US military ~ A truly heroic undertaking, but not without its consequences: he’s gonna walk that way for the rest of his life.

Chelsea Handler Gets Gentile Kiss From BF ~ What’s a ‘Gentile Kiss?’ Is that like oral sex? Because the Jewish girls we used to know wouldn’t do that.

Can a Christian watch ‘Game of Thrones’? ~ If that Christian ponies up the cash for HBO, he or she can watch quite easily.

Plus, If You Squint, He Kinda Looks Like Jesus.

Single mother’s simple error earns her $14 million lottery prize ~ Simple Johnny’s mom has been a lot nicer to him ever since he picked the winning numbers for her lottery ticket.

Race tied after candidate’s wife doesn’t vote ~ Candidate immediately softens his stance on domestic violence.

Guantanamo inmate: Obama has abandoned us ~ Oh, he did that back in January 2009. Don’t feel bad; it’s not only you who’s just now figuring that out.

Top 9 Things You Should Never Say To A Single Mom ~ “Wanna go out?”

3-Inch Fossil Holds Clue to Human Split From Apes ~ There’s no mystery behind the split. The reason our two species diverged–and I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I’m just laying it all out on the table–was because the apes were holding us back. I mean, look–it’s been like a great-gazillion years since then, and they’re STILL living in trees and pass the time by pelting one another with well-aimed clods of their own poo. Meanwhile, humans have not only journeyed to the moon and divined the secrets of the atom, we’ve also hunted some of those ape motherfuckers almost to the point of extinction. Homo Sapiens, BEYOTCH! 

If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It.

Keep Waterboarding In The Home Where It Belongs

12 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Amnesty International, bacon, bacon attack, Bacon is evil!, bad grandparents, bad kids, child abuse, Clinton Heights, Evil Ones, gingers, Granny Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, Marilee Ann Kolynych, nanny state, parental rights, Pennsylvania, Problem Child, wakeboarding, waterboarding

By Smaktakula

Granny Gitmo

Clinton Heights, Pennsylvania, has joined that growing list of places where parents are legally prohibited from disciplining their own children as they see fit.  63-year-old grandmother Marilee Ann Kolynych learned this the hard way when she sought to teach her grandson a lesson about gluttony.

Kolynych has apparently long prided herself in taking an active role in raising her grandchildren.  So, one morning when her grandson proved too rapacious at breakfast, consuming a few extra slices of bacon, Kolynych took matters into her own hands.  Kolynych chased the boy into the yard and forced him to the ground, while beating him about the arms and legs and spraying him full in the face with a garden hose.

You Don't Think This Kid Deserves It? Maybe Just A Little?

Although the boy was not seriously harmed during the pre-lunch assault, and will certainly think twice in the future before snatching an extra piece of breakfast meat, Kolynych was arrested the following day.  She is now free on bail.

We Get Waterboarding And Wakeboarding Mixed Up. Which Is The Fun One Again?

Activists on both sides of this issue are studying Kolynych’s ordeal with great interest.  Some agree with the prosecution that the Guantanamo Granny’s actions constitute abuse, and hope that Kolynych will receive a fitting punishment.  However, many others feel that American parents are slowly losing the right to discipline their own children.

Promethean Times agrees with these beleaguered parents.  Is it not enough that we can no longer use waterboarding techniques to extract recipes and childhood memories from the Evil Ones?  Not content to stop there, the courts now see fit to strip this age-old right from parents.

Even Amnesty International Doesn't Have A Problem With Waterboarding If Your Child Is A Ginger.

As Promethean Times has previously noted, this is not the first time that a pork product has sown the seeds of discord and aggression. ∞T.

Political And Media Elites Surprised, Dismayed By Would-Be Terrorist’s Lack Of Whiteness

07 Friday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Islam, Justice, National Events, National Politics, Political Correctness, Race, Relationships, Religion, Terrorism

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Contessa Brewer, Eric Holder, Faisal Shahzad, Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, home-grown terrorism, Islam, Michael Bloomberg, MSNBC, muslims, nanny state, Obama Administration, Obamacare, Political Correctness, Rachel Maddow, radical Islam, Tea Party, teabaggers, Terrorism

By Smaktakula

In the hours following the accidentally foiled Times Square bombing, Washington and the media let the world know just what sort of deranged maniac they were looking for: a disgruntled white guy.  Remember: Timothy McVeigh was white.  So was Ted Kaczynski.  And don’t forget to add Eric Rudolph’s two kills into the shameful annals of American terrorism.

Since then, pretty much every major act of violent terrorism has been committed predominately (by which we mean exclusively) by adherents of Islam*.  The current expectations among fans of Professional International Terrorism (PIT) is that whitey is due for a significant atrocity.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg apparently believes that as with his legislation regarding which foods New Yorkers can put in their bodies, his own God-given wisdom trumps facts.  Shortly after the incident, the mayor responsibly opined that while he didn’t really have a clue as to what happened, he was confident enough to prognosticate that the would-be mass murderer would turn out to be an American citizen bitter about Obamacare.

Bloomberg’s mistake is a reasonable one considering that the administration and most of the media have been warning that Tea Party radicals were going to try something crazy.  The media has provided substantial proof for these claims, if one accepts incestuously recycled comments from other “journalists” as proof.

The world was shocked to learn that the alleged bad guy, Faisal Shahzad was not white, nor was he Christian.  He was not a Republican, and apparently did not play college-level lacrosse.

After Shahzad’s lack of Christian whiteness was discovered, MSNBC spokesperson Contessa Brewer expressed dismay that the failed bomber was Islamic, claiming that certain groups would use that fact to their own racist ends.  Presumably this entails spreading the false rumor that people of Islamic faith make poor terrorists.  This is especially galling since Islamic terrorists are considered the cream of the crop when it comes to murderous thugs.

Brewer later backpedalled on her Facebook site, saying she simply didn’t want the terrorist to be of a specific race.  It’s just that there was a specific race and/or religious preference that she didn’t want it to be.

In virtually the same breath, Brewer attempts to justify her statements by pointing to Bloomberg’s latest statements, admonishing Americans not to take out their anger on Pakistani Muslims.  The fact that no major acts of violence against American muslims have occurred since 9/11 is a testament to the efficacy of this sort of pedantic, self-righteous nagging.

Still, until the Obama adminstration and the friendly press can return to the narrative of the white Christian as Public Enemy Number 1, there are going to be some downcast faces:

Thought That White Christian Prisoners Would Help Diversify Gitmo

Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?

This Guy Is Totally Bummed

Hopefully the next terrorist will look like this:

Why Is She So Full Of Hate?

Otherwise it’ll really screw up the narrative.

*Promethean Times wishes to stress our firm stance that Islam is a religion of peace.  Every right-thinking person knows that it is only because of a few misguided individuals and a great many Western bigots that people have this hugely incorrect view of Muslims. Therefore, we feel that any retaliatory action against Promethean Times, including but not limited to fatwas, jihads and other assorted beefs, would be unwarranted.  Not that any Islamic person would perpetrate an act of violence–please see the first sentence in this note regarding Islam being a religion of peace.  But just so we’re clear, if Islamic people were the type to start killing people who said things with which they disagreed (and again, we’re not saying that they are–Religion of Peace!  Religion of Peace!), hopefully they wouldn’t feel the need to revenge themselves against Promethean Times.  Although undoubtedly we have done something to deserve it, for which we are most grievously sorry.  As-Salamu Alaykum

Rushdie Calls Amnesty ‘Morally Bankrupt’

23 Tuesday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Europe, General Foolishness, Human Rights, Islam, Middle East, Religion, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Amnesty International, Ayatollah Khomeini, fatwa, Guantanamo Bay, Iran, Nelson Mandela, Salman Rushdie, Taliban, The Satanic Verses

 It’s sad, really, because back when Amnesty International enjoyed a consistent moral philosophy, it joined the international community in pressuring Iran not to kill author Salman Rushdie.  To be fair, the Ayatollah Khomeini did have a legitimate grievance–Mr. Rushdie wrote a book.  Around that same time, Amnesty International was keeping international attention on the plight of then-political prisoner Nelson Mandela.

For several years, however, Amnesty International seems to be losing its way.  Recovering alcoholics often say that a person must first hit “rock bottom” before beginning the road to recovery.  Perhaps this point marks the nadir in the once-great human rights organization’s history, and that Rushdie’s assertion will be a challenge to Amnesty to pick itself back up and begin the long, arduous work of repairing its reputation and mission.

Or, perhaps Amnesty will issue its first-ever fatwa. 

Read it before SR goes back into witness-relocation:Salman Rushdie: Amnesty International is morally bankrupt – Times Online.

Smaktakula

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