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Tag Archives: Secret Service

Headlines: Badly-Named And Born To Kill

14 Friday Jun 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Headlines, Politics, Religion, Science, Stupidity

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

Baby Boomers, Baby Boomers eat their young, Barack Obama, cannabis, Chelsea Handler, childish sexual innuendo, Christians, Christopher Dorner, Europeans, Game of Thrones, Guantanamo Bay, hemp, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jewish people, John Travolta, marijuana, oral sex, pot, pot smokers, Rashida Jones, reefer, Richard Gere, Secret Service, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, the Germans, urban legends, weed

By Smaktakula

His Crime? That Fucking Name.

In which we celebrate our ignorance by commenting on the headlines of news stories we can’t be bothered to actually read.

***

Only Children: Lonely and Selfish? ~ Sounds like someone had to wear hand-me-downs again this year. Loser.

Obama won’t let daughters date sans Secret Service protection ~ We’re pretty sure that every father wishes an entire federal agency were tasked with securing his daughters’ virginity.

Study: Why Pot Smokers Are Skinnier ~ Smaktakula is just 25 pounds away from weighing 1/8th of a ton. Make of that what you will.

There’s More to Life Than Freezing Your Eggs ~ But paradoxically, if you have to be told that, then no, there isn’t.

Study Reports Disinfecting ICU Patients Could Reduce Infections ~ Somebody spent time and money to determine that infections could be reduced by taking measures to reduce them. Unless this study was conducted by kindergartners, it’s time to set those research goals a little higher.

“Fluids Help Prevent Dehydration.” That’s Why He Went To Medical School, Folks.

Rashida Jones: Sorry for saying John Travolta should ‘come out’ ~ Plus, it got totally taken out of context. All she meant to say was that John Travolta is actually a gay man who is only pretending to be heterosexual, and that he should stop doing that.

Baby boomers are killing themselves at an alarming rate, begging question: Why? ~ Right, ‘Why?’ as in ‘Why look a gift horse in the mouth?’

Review: Firing of ex-LAPD officer Dorner justified ~ Oh, you mean the firing of that dude who subsequently went on a murderous rampage? Thanks for looking into that.

Europeans All Related by Genetic Footprint Dating Back Only 1000 Years Ago ~ So there’s no difference between, say, a German and a Frenchman? That’s a hell of a thing to say.

When to Do Surgery on a Child With ‘Both’ Genitalia ~YAAAAGHHH! Immediately! Do it now! Right now!

Like Richard Gere And His Gerbils, Once You’ve Heard That Rumor, You Just Can’t Look At Jamie Lee The Same Way.

3 Kids Electrocuted While Swimming Points To A Shockingly Common Danger ~ Insensitive puns? Stupid people? It points to a couple, actually.

Why Penis Pictures Aren’t Pretty ~ It’s tough to take a pleasing picture when your subject is a bald, wrinkly, one-eyed trousersnake, and kind of a cock.

The gay airman who took on the US military ~ A truly heroic undertaking, but not without its consequences: he’s gonna walk that way for the rest of his life.

Chelsea Handler Gets Gentile Kiss From BF ~ What’s a ‘Gentile Kiss?’ Is that like oral sex? Because the Jewish girls we used to know wouldn’t do that.

Can a Christian watch ‘Game of Thrones’? ~ If that Christian ponies up the cash for HBO, he or she can watch quite easily.

Plus, If You Squint, He Kinda Looks Like Jesus.

Single mother’s simple error earns her $14 million lottery prize ~ Simple Johnny’s mom has been a lot nicer to him ever since he picked the winning numbers for her lottery ticket.

Race tied after candidate’s wife doesn’t vote ~ Candidate immediately softens his stance on domestic violence.

Guantanamo inmate: Obama has abandoned us ~ Oh, he did that back in January 2009. Don’t feel bad; it’s not only you who’s just now figuring that out.

Top 9 Things You Should Never Say To A Single Mom ~ “Wanna go out?”

3-Inch Fossil Holds Clue to Human Split From Apes ~ There’s no mystery behind the split. The reason our two species diverged–and I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I’m just laying it all out on the table–was because the apes were holding us back. I mean, look–it’s been like a great-gazillion years since then, and they’re STILL living in trees and pass the time by pelting one another with well-aimed clods of their own poo. Meanwhile, humans have not only journeyed to the moon and divined the secrets of the atom, we’ve also hunted some of those ape motherfuckers almost to the point of extinction. Homo Sapiens, BEYOTCH! 

If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It.

Headlines 05.24.12

24 Thursday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Music, News, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

Arkansas, Barack Obama, death by cancer, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Fiona Apple, gay marriage, headlines, Mitt Romney, muslims, Opera, Rick Santorum, Robin Gibb, Rocky the Flying Squirrel, Secret Service, Why am I so lonely?, Won't Ask Don't Care

By Smaktakula

…And Makes A Friend For Life.

In which we comment on topical events after having only bothered to read the headlines, which at least makes us better-informed than the average American.

***

Fiona Apple’s new album title is 23 words long ~ We’ll have to take your word for it. We kinda zoned out after the word “Fiona.”

Obama challenged in Arkansas primary ~ The Arkansas primary also features a challenger to the law of gravity.

Latest Met Aria: Bad Opera News Is No News ~ Good opera news is similarly worthless.

Bear attacks man in outhouse ~ Relying on conventional wisdom, the man foolishly thought he would be safe from bear attacks while in the outhouse. Folks, hopefully you won’t have to learn the hard way that regardless of what you’ve been told, bears don’t always shit in the woods. Likewise, while it’s true that a frog’s ass is indeed water-tight, it should be noted that, excepting those individuals suffering from certain embarrassing conditions, so is yours.

Rick Santorum feels like Rocky Balboa ~ And yet he looks more like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.  Glad you’re gone, Rick. Stay gone.

“Marriage Is A Pact Ordained By God Almighty Between A Moose And His Squirrel.”

Robin Gibb, member of the Bee Gees, dies after battle with cancer ~ Hey, you know that song Staying Alive?…what? Oh, whatever–you people are so sensitive. Too bad he didn’t write a song called Too Soon.

Penn Judge: Muslims Allowed to Attack People for Insulting Mohammad ~ Because killing folks with whom they disagree is a central tenet of the faith, and you’re just going to have to learn to respect that.

Romney takes big lead in Arkansas, Kentucky primaries ~ The dimwitted hillbillies were delighted to be a part of the democratic process, not knowing what ‘fait accompli‘ means.

Welcome to the mortgage-free housing recovery ~ ‘Cause there ain’t no fixed-rate APR on a cardboard box.

He’s Living The Dream.

Woman fighting foreclosure arrested ~ Damn right. Every time we throw a punch at that smart-mouthed lady from the dry-cleaners, we spend a night in jail. It’s only fair other people should be punished for fighting, too.

Pit bull saves owner from oncoming train ~ And then devours him.

Jewish leaders expressed outrage ~WHAAAAAA?!? Normally they’re so passive about insults real & imagined.

Dating site: No ugly people ~ Sometimes–like chocolate and peanut butter–you wonder just what the hell took them so long to think of this.

In Your Heart Of Hearts You Know That Love Was Never Intended For One Such As You.

Man drowns after swan attack ~ Sad. When this happens, it means not only is Mother Nature out to get you, but that she has no respect for you whatsoever.

Kids with cancer: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” ~ Nobody’s had the heart to break the bad news: cancer kills.

Coroner: UK spy found in sports bag likely killed ~ So you read that the body of a secret agent has been found crammed inside a piece of sporting equipment and you immediately make the leap to foul play?

What I want Obama to say about gay marriage ~ The same thing we want him to say about straight marriage: nothing.

Sometimes We Wish You Guys Would Just Fuck And Get It Over With.

Would-be suicide bomber was U.S. informant ~ “If I had to do it again, I probably wouldn’t inform the US about my would-be suicide bombing attempt. In retrospect, that just seemed to defeat the whole purpose.”

Romney: American kids get ‘third-world education’ ~ Well, sure–because Romney could afford to send his children to private school. But don’t the rest of us have a right to expect a third-world education for our children as well?

What time do women want it? ~ The hour varies, but they call it ‘Smaktakula Time.’

Boy wonder comes of age on Wall Street ~ More specifically, in an anonymous bathroom stall of a Wall Street Dunkin’ Donuts.

Secret Service agents were ‘brutes,’ prostitute says ~ Folks–consider this one very seriously for a moment. Would you feel any more secure believing that the men in whose hands the President entrusts his very life were tender lovers?

“Fast? Baby, I Just Got That Out Of The Way So That I Could Take Care Of YOU. Now Let Me Show You A Little Something They Call ‘The French Z.’ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”

Headlines 05.18.12

18 Friday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

alcohol abuse, Barack Obama, Baseball, breast implants, breastuses, Diabetes, dope, grass, headlines, hemp, Jewish people, Los Angeles Dodgers, marijuana, natural selection, obesity, Pauly Shore, PMS, pot, reefer, Secret Service, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Wrigley Field

By Smaktakula

Despite The Severity Of The Accident, Nobody Felt A Thing.

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the articles. Reading is for the weak.

Why This Isn’t ‘The Most Important Election’ ~ Because they can’t ALL be, right?

Cool or creepy? It kisses back ~ Depends on what ‘It’ is.

Secret Service Reportedly Bragged About Obama In Brothel ~ So you’re just gonna take the hooker’s word for it?

Packers aide whose son died gets Miami job ~ So the story has a happy ending after all.

Drink a couple of beers & you might ace a test ~ Not a field sobriety test, though. Be warned.

In Fact, Not Every Time Is Miller Time.

7 ways to fix weird odors ~ 1) Bathe. 2) Bathe again. 3) Cologne. 4) Bathe. 5) Bathe. 6) 1 hour of intensive burlap dermabrasion therapy. 7) Bathe.

Popular Antibiotic May Raise Risk of Sudden Death ~Wait! They’re taking cardio-arrhythmocin off the market?

First-time porno viewer sees his wife in film ~ Yeah, ‘first time.’

Actress ‘can’t look away’ from boob jobs ~ We’re the same way.

They Have Their Own Gravitational Field; Light Itself Is Bent To Their Evil Desires.

Beaten for being born a girl? ~ Pussy can make men do crazy things.

23 Zoo Animals That Will Eat Your Children ~ 23 fun new ways to relieve yourself of an unwanted burden.

Iranian president: Israel ‘nothing more than a mosquito’ to Iran ~ No fair! We get in a whole mess of trouble when we call Jews ‘bloodsuckers.’

Can You Call a 9-Year-Old a Psychopath? ~ Pfft. We’ve called 9 year-olds a whole lot worse.

Why Wrigley Field Must Be Destroyed ~ Well, for one thing, if occupied at the time of destruction, it would go a long way toward solving America’s obesity epidemic.

Unlike The Previous Pic, Those Babies Are Real.

World record holder for ‘longest time to live with a bullet in the head’ dies ~ Pauly Shore–are you reading this? We may have just discovered your way back into the public eye!

Group argues weed is safer than booze ~ Unfortunately, they were arguing with a group of drunks, who promptly assaulted them. There were tearful apologies the next morning of course, but that doesn’t change the fact that Skeeter got a bottle shoved in his eye.

Because How Often Does A Stoner Throw A Punch?

Study: Heavy teens have trouble managing diabetes ~ Whereas physically fit teens have trouble contracting the malady.

2 teen girls who fell asleep while sunbathing on Pa. road are struck by car … ~ We can’t help but see this as a big win for the gene pool.

What’s the reason for Dodgers’ early surge? ~ Awesomeness, mostly. Pure awesomeness.

Women with PMS are better at seeing snakes ~ And that, folks, is absolutely the most positive spin they’re able to put on it.

Do Yourself A Favor: Stay Away.

‘Marrying down’ now is trending among women ~ Like that’s new. Hello? Smaktakula’s married!

Teen texts cops: ‘I hid the body … now what?’ ~ Now you cut off the fingertips and smash the teeth, making future identification of your victim more difficult for the authorities. Next, cover the body in lime to aid in decomposition. Lastly, as tempting as it may be to make a tearful, drunken confession to a close friend who will then inevitably turn you into the authorities, you’re best served by keeping your mouth shut. You’ll do it, though. You’ll talk.

Obama falls to Earth as just a politician ~ It happened a while ago, actually. The press is just now picking up on it.

How much can you trust a diagnosis from Dr. Google? ~ Seriously? Change your name, Creepo, and stay away from gynaecology altogether.

“Hey, Sweets…Maybe You Want To *heh heh* Have A Few Drinks *heh* Before You Come In.”

Headlines 04.30.12

30 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Alabama, dope, Easter, feeding tube, grass, headlines, Helen Keller, hemp, LA Riots, marijuana, muslims, NBA, pot, prostitution, reefer, Reginald Denny, Secret Service, sweet sweet cheeba, weed

By Smaktakula

Reading Any Further Would Only Spoil The Fun.

In which we stop reading after the headlines, and tell you the rest:

11-year-old girl dies after fight with 5th grader over a boy  ~ The 11-year-old clearly didn’t want it badly enough.

Special Needs Student Set On Fire At School ~ Among his special needs now?–Lots and lots of Bactine.

Feds send lady pot every month ~ Meet the future Mrs. Smaktakula!

Take it from a girl who cannot eat, a feeding tube is no fad ~ Just what the fuck is wrong with you that you think you have to tell us that?

Gawrsh! That Looks Awesome!

Donated kidney gets third owner ~ Dude, if you weren’t gonna keep it, you could have given the fucking thing back.

10 Things Parents Should Know About The Avengers (Spoiler-Free) ~ Thor’s a pedophile, Captain America’s got a raging coke habit, and the Hulk’s a ginormous DayGlo homo. See the flick for the other seven.

Prostitute gives NBA advice ~ A professional’s advice is needed to stop them from dribbling before they shoot.

Man loves naked stone lady ~ That’s a little different! But at least it’s not a naked stone man. That would be an offense against nature.

Kinda Faggy, RIght?

Your Vagina Isn’t Just Too Big, Too Floppy, and Too Hairy—It’s Also Too Brown ~ And can we talk about the smell?

Helen Keller-brand glasses? ~ They’re called “gheghek5gkedk.” Ask for them by name.

CHRIS BROWN’S NEW PICKUP LINE: “I PROMISE I WON’T BEAT YOU” ~ We get so much tail with that one.

How Muslims View Easter ~ Just another day to blow shit up.

In Muslim Tradition, The Easter Jackal Hides A Backpack Full Of Eggs Somewhere In A Public Place. The Fun Is Trying To Find Them Before They Go Off.

How I Stopped Drowning in Drink ~ And got all preachy.

Cops: Woman burned to death owed suspect $2000 ~ For $2,000 we’ll just slap you around a little–maybe cut you up a bit. We don’t start burning until you’re into us for at least five figures.

Secret Service scandal linked to lack of women in agency ~ Well, right–if there were more ladies around, the fellas wouldn’t have had to go to the brothel in the first place.

20th Anniversary Of The Los Angeles Riots Remembered Sunday ~ Not by Reginald Denny–that guy doesn’t remember shit!

The Biggest Thing Ever To Happen To The Guy, And He Couldn't Tell You A Thing About It.

Gay comes up short in first playoff game ~ And if losing the game wasn’t bad enough, afterwards, Straight and his asshole buddies threw rocks at Gay.

Lawyer: Autistic boy’s teacher didn’t call him ‘bastard’ ~ “Completely untrue. I called him a ‘wretched little Mongoloid doomed to shamble through life on the taxpayer’s dime leaving a whiff of urine in his lurching wake,’ but you know, retards don’t understand ‘people-talk’ very well, so that could sound like ‘bastard.'”

Pregnant Girl to Wed Slain Shooting Victim ~ Sexual congress with the dead is illegal in 49 states. Hello, Alabama!

11-Year-Old Girl Who Gave Birth Is Not Normal ~ The devil you say!

Look, All We Did As A Society Was To Sexualize Children--We Had No Idea That Anyone Would Actually Act On That.

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