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Tag Archives: Christians

Headlines: Badly-Named And Born To Kill

14 Friday Jun 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Headlines, Politics, Religion, Science, Stupidity

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

Baby Boomers, Baby Boomers eat their young, Barack Obama, cannabis, Chelsea Handler, childish sexual innuendo, Christians, Christopher Dorner, Europeans, Game of Thrones, Guantanamo Bay, hemp, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jewish people, John Travolta, marijuana, oral sex, pot, pot smokers, Rashida Jones, reefer, Richard Gere, Secret Service, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, the Germans, urban legends, weed

By Smaktakula

His Crime? That Fucking Name.

In which we celebrate our ignorance by commenting on the headlines of news stories we can’t be bothered to actually read.

***

Only Children: Lonely and Selfish? ~ Sounds like someone had to wear hand-me-downs again this year. Loser.

Obama won’t let daughters date sans Secret Service protection ~ We’re pretty sure that every father wishes an entire federal agency were tasked with securing his daughters’ virginity.

Study: Why Pot Smokers Are Skinnier ~ Smaktakula is just 25 pounds away from weighing 1/8th of a ton. Make of that what you will.

There’s More to Life Than Freezing Your Eggs ~ But paradoxically, if you have to be told that, then no, there isn’t.

Study Reports Disinfecting ICU Patients Could Reduce Infections ~ Somebody spent time and money to determine that infections could be reduced by taking measures to reduce them. Unless this study was conducted by kindergartners, it’s time to set those research goals a little higher.

“Fluids Help Prevent Dehydration.” That’s Why He Went To Medical School, Folks.

Rashida Jones: Sorry for saying John Travolta should ‘come out’ ~ Plus, it got totally taken out of context. All she meant to say was that John Travolta is actually a gay man who is only pretending to be heterosexual, and that he should stop doing that.

Baby boomers are killing themselves at an alarming rate, begging question: Why? ~ Right, ‘Why?’ as in ‘Why look a gift horse in the mouth?’

Review: Firing of ex-LAPD officer Dorner justified ~ Oh, you mean the firing of that dude who subsequently went on a murderous rampage? Thanks for looking into that.

Europeans All Related by Genetic Footprint Dating Back Only 1000 Years Ago ~ So there’s no difference between, say, a German and a Frenchman? That’s a hell of a thing to say.

When to Do Surgery on a Child With ‘Both’ Genitalia ~YAAAAGHHH! Immediately! Do it now! Right now!

Like Richard Gere And His Gerbils, Once You’ve Heard That Rumor, You Just Can’t Look At Jamie Lee The Same Way.

3 Kids Electrocuted While Swimming Points To A Shockingly Common Danger ~ Insensitive puns? Stupid people? It points to a couple, actually.

Why Penis Pictures Aren’t Pretty ~ It’s tough to take a pleasing picture when your subject is a bald, wrinkly, one-eyed trousersnake, and kind of a cock.

The gay airman who took on the US military ~ A truly heroic undertaking, but not without its consequences: he’s gonna walk that way for the rest of his life.

Chelsea Handler Gets Gentile Kiss From BF ~ What’s a ‘Gentile Kiss?’ Is that like oral sex? Because the Jewish girls we used to know wouldn’t do that.

Can a Christian watch ‘Game of Thrones’? ~ If that Christian ponies up the cash for HBO, he or she can watch quite easily.

Plus, If You Squint, He Kinda Looks Like Jesus.

Single mother’s simple error earns her $14 million lottery prize ~ Simple Johnny’s mom has been a lot nicer to him ever since he picked the winning numbers for her lottery ticket.

Race tied after candidate’s wife doesn’t vote ~ Candidate immediately softens his stance on domestic violence.

Guantanamo inmate: Obama has abandoned us ~ Oh, he did that back in January 2009. Don’t feel bad; it’s not only you who’s just now figuring that out.

Top 9 Things You Should Never Say To A Single Mom ~ “Wanna go out?”

3-Inch Fossil Holds Clue to Human Split From Apes ~ There’s no mystery behind the split. The reason our two species diverged–and I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I’m just laying it all out on the table–was because the apes were holding us back. I mean, look–it’s been like a great-gazillion years since then, and they’re STILL living in trees and pass the time by pelting one another with well-aimed clods of their own poo. Meanwhile, humans have not only journeyed to the moon and divined the secrets of the atom, we’ve also hunted some of those ape motherfuckers almost to the point of extinction. Homo Sapiens, BEYOTCH! 

If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It.

Punching-Bag Faiths Make Bid For ‘Real Religion’ Status

07 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Politics, Religion

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

alcoholism, bigotry, bravery, Catholicism, Christians, double standards, Germany, holiness church, Holocaust, hypocrisy, Jehovah's Witnesses, Jews, LDS, Methodists, Mormons, muslims, NAMBLA, pacifism, Quakers, religious intolerance, religious persecution, safe to joke about, snake handlers, weirdos

Originally Posted 01.03.12

By Smaktakula

Man, It Is So Refreshing Not Have To Make Up Some Excuse About His Politics, And Instead Simply Be Able To Say, “I’m Not Gonna Vote For This Guy ‘Cause I Hate His Crazy Religion.”

It’s no secret that joking about religion can be a dicey prospect. While it may occasionally still be safe to joke about baby-buggering bishops outside the earshot of any nearby papists (which means refraining from comment in bars, bingo parlors or AA meetings), kicking the Catholics is increasingly frowned upon in polite society. The Jews, for centuries the go-to faith for angry scapegoaters, have in the last half-century begun to push back with vehemence against all insults real and imagined. Even Islam, long-acknowledged as the most easy-going among all the Great Faiths, has begun to take a firmer hand with those who besmirch its many anachronistically inflexible tenets. It seems like nobody wants to be poked fun at any more, and doing so can cost you your job–or worse.

If Physical Intimidation Is Your Thing, Why Not Pick On The Quakers, Jehovah’s Witnesses Or Amish?–They’re Pacifists–Although They’re Tougher Than They Look.

That’s why we’re so lucky in America to have weirdo religions like the Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, snake-handlers and the like. When feeling down, who hasn’t picked himself up by joking that the Mormon guy at work “probably has like eight wives?” And almost everyone has personally experienced the joy of bonding with a stranger over a simple conversation about how fucking annoying it is to have somebody come to your door once or twice a year to tell you that God loves you.

“Would You PLEASE Stop Saying That? It’s Offensive.”

But even these small comforts may soon be a memory. Kicking bizarre religions could become a quaint relic of yesteryear if these fundamentalist wackos get their way, and pretty soon we may have to start treating these fringe-dwellers like real faiths–with respect. Ridiculous!  We would rather see our daughters forced into a life of prostitution than to compromise our principles by treating a snake handler as if he were the spiritual equal of a Methodist or a Muslim. Not only is snake handling illegal in most civilized states, but its disturbing tenets fall completely outside the boundaries of what Promethean Times deems acceptable for a ‘normal’ religion.

We Call Bullshit. They’re Happy AND They Enjoy Spending Time With Their Families? Just What The Fuck Is Wrong With These People?

While we believe that, without exception, tolerance should be extended to every person on Earth regardless of his or her wacky beliefs, we can’t stand Mormons because of their extreme and hateful view of homosexuality–they strongly disapprove of it. Perhaps if we outlawed their ridiculous religion they’d understand how important it is to tolerate people with differing beliefs, even those considered offensive.

Sure, We All Know That Church On Saturday Is Weird And Wrong. But If You Want To Avoid Real Trouble, Make Sure The Line Of People At Which You’re Throwing Eggs Is Coming Out Of A Kingdom Hall.

What can we say about the Jehovah’s Witnesses that we haven’t said before?  The really irritating thing about the Jehovah’s Witnesses is that when they’re mocked and the faith they hold so dear is distorted by a bunch of sneering half-truths, they retaliate by taking the time to write a nice note with a polite point-by-point response to the issues upon which there is disagreement. Some call it ‘turning the other cheek,’ but we call it fighting dirty.

Plus, They’re Cowards. When Most Other Able-Bodied German Men Were Doing Their Part To Enslave The Remaining Free Peoples Of Europe, The Jehovah’s Witnesses Decided They’d Rather Stay Home And Camp.

Although the American public still enjoys the right to publicly belittle these various zealots without fear of social opprobrium, the winds are changing. Soon, we may be forced to place these factions on par with those groups which have a legitimate history of persecution, like NAMBLA, the North American Man-Boy Love Association. Until then, we ask that other people of legitimate faiths to join us in fervently wishing that a few more of those freaks get bit by their own deadly serpents.

Serves You Right For Being Such A Weirdo.

In America, we treat all beliefs with equal respect.  You can get behind that or you can get the fuck out. ∞T.

PT Apologizes To Those Groups We Have Yet To Malign

22 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

American Civil War, Amish, beekeepers, Blame Canada!, Canada, China, Christians, Ecuador, Greeks, historical reenactors, ignorance--it's what we do, Inuits, Jews, muslims, paraphilic infantilism, Ramtha, Ron Paul, Swedes, television, United States of America, your mom, Zimbabwe

By Smaktakula

If You Live Here, We Have Something To Say That You Won’t Like Very Much.

We’re proud of our track record. In a relatively short time, we’ve managed to say some pretty shitty things about a lot of people. From the Inuits in the north, to the Chinese in the east, the Zimbabweans in the south, the good old US of A in the West, and just about everybody else in between, Promethean Times can be downright promiscuous with its criticism. We’ve made fun of gay people, straight people and the sexually ambivalent; we’ve kicked Christians, Muslims, Jews and Ramtharians. We’ve even made fun of the Amish. Druggies, weirdos and the very stupid–we try to hit ’em all.

But invariably, no matter how diligently mean-spirited, no single institution can possibly hope to insult everyone, despite how much we might wish otherwise. Readers might wonder, for example, just what we find so special about the Swedish people that we have yet to take them to task? Others may ask themselves why we’ve mocked beekeepers but never have seen fit to put stamp collectors in the crosshairs. The same charge could be made about antique car enthusiasts, Greeks or daytime television.

Dear readers–for Promethean Times to maintain its credibility, is it necessary that we point out Swedes are shaved yeti who both consume and smell like rotten fish? Or that stamp collectors tend to produce from their ranks an inordinately high percentage of voyeurs? If pressed, we could tell you that antique car lovers have man-boobs, Greek men love to bugger children and daytime TV is grand theater for the very stupid.

As This Graph Illustrates, Four Out Of Five Greek Men Prefer Hairy, Well-Muscled Flesh To The Supple Springiness Of The Female Breast. In Fairness, Greek Women Sort Of Straddle That Line.

Rest assured that whatever your race, gender, political affiliation, sexual orientation or any of the myriad tiny differences through which humanity seeks to distinguish itself, eventually we will get around to letting you know just what’s wrong with your culture, the way you live your life, and most fundamentally, why you are a bad person. In our own way we’re as multicultural as they come.

But for our friends who may be wondering, “Just what the hell is wrong with me that Promethean Times hasn’t seen fit to let me know about it?”, we’ve got some love to share. The following (by no means complete) list includes a few worthies who have heretofore escaped mention in these pages.

Canadians~Friends, it’s not that we don’t ache to mock these maple-mad mofos; we’ve been wanting to give one to the Canucks since as long as we can remember, but they can be damned hard to get a glove on. Canadians are a lot like that guy you remember from school–the golden boy with perfect attendance, whose homework is always turned on time and never copied, who never fails to treat the teachers and administration with respect and who invariably blows the curve for the rest of you morons. Naturally, you wait for him after school with a sock full of quarters hidden behind your back. But just before you can whack him with your homemade sap, he tells you, “you have really nice hair,” disarming you completely. Canadians are treacherous like that.

That they’re smarter and funnier than us, we can take. We can also accept that they’re cleaner, more polite and have more friends. But what we cannot countenance, and the thing which if known to the American public would quickly lead to tanks swarming the 49th Parallel like flies on fruit, is that they have bigger penii.

You Didn’t Know Captain America Had A Junior Sidekick?

Civil War Buffs~What can we say about grown men who, just for the sheer fun of it, reenact America’s most enduring national tragedy and bloodiest conflict in the nation’s history? Moreover, these dudes slog out these epic battles time and again, despite the outcome not having been in doubt for over 150 years. The American Civil War is in many ways distinguished by the terrible toll it took on the population as a whole, particularly upon an entire generation of men. For this reason it seems more than a little dishonest to history and disrespectful to the memory of the lives torn asunder by this war that men should play-act this ghastly episode. Posterity–and Promethean Times–would no doubt look more favorably upon these men if they used live ammunition.

You Guys Are Losers! No, Seriously–You Lose. We Read Ahead A Little Bit.

Ecuador~Ecuador has fuck all going for it. And, as the world’s premier producers of Panama hats, they’re clearly quite comfortable pulling the rug out from under their Latin American brethren.

Ron Paul~We’re not exactly sure who that is. Was he one of the Beatles or something?

Paraphilic Infantilism~Look, we’re happy for anyone who’s getting laid, and furthermore believe that healthy fantasy can enliven a couple’s sex life. What happens behind bedroom doors is no one else’s business.

Having said that, is there any normal person who believes that a 250-lb dude with his thumb in his mouth and a diaper draped over his ass is in any way healthy or sexually appealing? Whenever possible, we prefer to use non-judgmental language, but seriously, why was the term “sexual deviant” even coined if not to be firmly affixed to these simpering space-wasters?

Mom And Dad Must Just Be So Proud Of You!

Your Mom~Talk about a gal of easy virtue! That chick is easier to turn on than a light switch.

Tell Us, You Minx! Tell Us What Naughtiness The Beaver’s Gotten Up To Now.

Prophet’s Stint As Guest-Editor Of Humor Magazine Surprisingly Unfunny

30 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Politics, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Allah, bunched panties, censorship, Charlie Hebdo, Christians, France, Islam, Jews, Muhammad, muslims, no sense of humor, Paris, religious intolerance, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French

By Smaktakula

Arrogant, You Knew. Dirty, You Knew. But Bravely Committed To The Ideals Of Free Speech?

It sounded like a great idea: invite Islam’s premier prophet to guest edit a French humor magazine.  The editors of French Satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo had long sought to entice the Prophet Mohammed to bring his singular wit and warm sense of humor to their magazine.  Charlie Hebdo’s editors were ecstatic when Mohammed agreed to a guest editorship, but what no one could have expected was that things would quickly turn deadly.

What's Everybody Getting So Upset About? It Looks Like A Penis In A Chef's Cap. . .Oh, God--Please Don't Kill Us.

Although impossible to foresee, the Prophet’s selection proved controversial.  Charlie Hebdo’s editors expressed surprise at the outrage, claiming that Mohammed’s selection was to celebrate the victory in Tunisia by an Islamist party during the so-called ‘Arab Spring.’  Further, in a move the magazine staff was sure would delight Muslims worldwide, they decided to honor the Prophet on their cover, depicting him in cartoon saying, ‘100 lashes if you’re not dying of laughter.’

This Disturbing Image Is Insensitive To Muslims! Not That It Matters, But We Suppose It's Also Offensive To Satanic Crusaders And Filthy Jews.

Surprisingly, the Islamic community was not entirely amused.  Although known for being an easy-going and tolerant religion, some Islamists reacted to the Prophet’s guest-editor stint with uncharacteristic rage.  Charlie Hebdo received a number of threats on various social networking sites, but no one took seriously the notion that an adherent of Islam would commit violence in the name of Allah.

If You Want To Mock Christian Figures--Including Their God, Knock Yourself Out--The Worst You Need Fear Is A Stern Talking-To.

Amazingly, that’s just what happened.  Charlie Hebdo‘s Paris offices were destroyed by a petrol bomb.  Even now, weeks later, a stunned world is still trying to make sense of this.  Some so-called ‘experts’ have opined that the violence was the work of radical Muslims, who are sometimes known to be touchy about depictions of the Prophet.  Promethean Times disagrees.  Whoever the vandals are, they’re more likely to be angry Christians or Jews.  If there’s one thing we know about Muslims, it’s that they can take a joke.

"I Don't Get It."

Christians Still Bitching About Equal Treatment

01 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

AIDS, burning the Koran, censorship, Christianity, Christians, Coptic Christians, cowardice, double standard, First Amendment, GodBGone, Holy of Holies, hypocrisy, Islam, Jesus, Jesus of Nazareth, Koran, Mohammed, muslims, persecuted Christians, religious persecution, Smithsonian Institution, the Christ, The Passion

By Smaktakula

Christians--Unless You're Willing To Blow Someone Up Over It, We're Afraid This Doesn't Qualify As Offensive.

The Smithsonian Institution has agreed to withdraw a controversial art piece which Christian groups have labelled offensive.  Some observers are shocked at the speed with which the Smithsonian gave in to the Christians’ demands, especially after it was revealed that the evangelical groups had not made any threats of violence.

“Obviously, the Smithsonian jumped the gun,” said Lydia Blatt, spokesperson for the atheist group GodBGone.  “The Christian groups who supposedly oppose this art installation can’t be bothered to so much as threaten to punch a guard in the nose.  Really, how offended can they be?”

Others deny that the material is at all offensive.  “I regret that some reports about the exhibit have created an impression that the video is intentionally sacrilegious,” said Martin Sullivan, director of the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery, of the video which depicts a crucified Christ covered in ants.

We Had No Idea! Something Must Be Done--And Soon!--About That Offensive Sign.

We must agree with Sullivan when he says that “the artist’s intention was to depict the suffering of an AIDS victim.”  A reasonable person would really have to stretch to imagine that a depiction of the Holy of Holies bathed in carrion-eaters could somehow be offensive.  That the dread disease has become commonly associated with the Christian Savior covered with ants at the moment of His Passion should be common knowledge to just about everybody.

Lastly, Sullivan added, “Look, this is a simple issue of the First Amendment, and needs to be put into perspective.  I mean, it’s not like we threatened to burn a Koran or anything.”

In The Interest Of Fairness, We Have Reluctantly Included This Picture Of The Prophet Mohammed (Peace Be Upon Him).

Village Massacres Shake Uneasy Nigeria

12 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Africa, Christianity, Crime, Islam, Religion, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Christianity, Christians, George Clooney, Goodluck Jonathan, Green Day, Islam, James Bond, muslims, Niger, Nigeria, Nigerian massacre, U2, village massacres, Wall Street Journal, WSJ

Nigeria (not to be confused with its similar sounding and similarly-troubled neighbor Niger) is experiencing more religious violence between Muslims and Christians.         

Since the unrest in Nigeria has yet to attain Third-World-Crisis-of-the-Moment status, it languishes in the doldrums of global anonymity.  Lacking a Green Day song or an impassioned plea by George Clooney, the religious violence in Nigeria will likely go on unabated.         

This quote from the article helps to illustrate just how deep the hostilities run within Nigeria:         

An elderly woman prayed at the edge of the burial pit, chanting. “By God’s grace we will enter their villages and kill their women and children,” she repeated.      

Adding to Nigeria’s sinister-quotient is the vice president (and current acting president), Goodluck Jonathan.  Not only does Mr. Jonathan have the perfect name to be the arch-villain’s freakish henchman in a James Bond film, he’s got the right look, too.    

"No, Mr. Bond--I Expect You To Die"

 Read About It Before U2 Sings About It: Village Massacres Shake Uneasy Nigeria – WSJ.com.   

Smaktakula 

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