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Tag Archives: John Travolta

Headlines: Badly-Named And Born To Kill

14 Friday Jun 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Headlines, Politics, Religion, Science, Stupidity

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

Baby Boomers, Baby Boomers eat their young, Barack Obama, cannabis, Chelsea Handler, childish sexual innuendo, Christians, Christopher Dorner, Europeans, Game of Thrones, Guantanamo Bay, hemp, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jewish people, John Travolta, marijuana, oral sex, pot, pot smokers, Rashida Jones, reefer, Richard Gere, Secret Service, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, the Germans, urban legends, weed

By Smaktakula

His Crime? That Fucking Name.

In which we celebrate our ignorance by commenting on the headlines of news stories we can’t be bothered to actually read.

***

Only Children: Lonely and Selfish? ~ Sounds like someone had to wear hand-me-downs again this year. Loser.

Obama won’t let daughters date sans Secret Service protection ~ We’re pretty sure that every father wishes an entire federal agency were tasked with securing his daughters’ virginity.

Study: Why Pot Smokers Are Skinnier ~ Smaktakula is just 25 pounds away from weighing 1/8th of a ton. Make of that what you will.

There’s More to Life Than Freezing Your Eggs ~ But paradoxically, if you have to be told that, then no, there isn’t.

Study Reports Disinfecting ICU Patients Could Reduce Infections ~ Somebody spent time and money to determine that infections could be reduced by taking measures to reduce them. Unless this study was conducted by kindergartners, it’s time to set those research goals a little higher.

“Fluids Help Prevent Dehydration.” That’s Why He Went To Medical School, Folks.

Rashida Jones: Sorry for saying John Travolta should ‘come out’ ~ Plus, it got totally taken out of context. All she meant to say was that John Travolta is actually a gay man who is only pretending to be heterosexual, and that he should stop doing that.

Baby boomers are killing themselves at an alarming rate, begging question: Why? ~ Right, ‘Why?’ as in ‘Why look a gift horse in the mouth?’

Review: Firing of ex-LAPD officer Dorner justified ~ Oh, you mean the firing of that dude who subsequently went on a murderous rampage? Thanks for looking into that.

Europeans All Related by Genetic Footprint Dating Back Only 1000 Years Ago ~ So there’s no difference between, say, a German and a Frenchman? That’s a hell of a thing to say.

When to Do Surgery on a Child With ‘Both’ Genitalia ~YAAAAGHHH! Immediately! Do it now! Right now!

Like Richard Gere And His Gerbils, Once You’ve Heard That Rumor, You Just Can’t Look At Jamie Lee The Same Way.

3 Kids Electrocuted While Swimming Points To A Shockingly Common Danger ~ Insensitive puns? Stupid people? It points to a couple, actually.

Why Penis Pictures Aren’t Pretty ~ It’s tough to take a pleasing picture when your subject is a bald, wrinkly, one-eyed trousersnake, and kind of a cock.

The gay airman who took on the US military ~ A truly heroic undertaking, but not without its consequences: he’s gonna walk that way for the rest of his life.

Chelsea Handler Gets Gentile Kiss From BF ~ What’s a ‘Gentile Kiss?’ Is that like oral sex? Because the Jewish girls we used to know wouldn’t do that.

Can a Christian watch ‘Game of Thrones’? ~ If that Christian ponies up the cash for HBO, he or she can watch quite easily.

Plus, If You Squint, He Kinda Looks Like Jesus.

Single mother’s simple error earns her $14 million lottery prize ~ Simple Johnny’s mom has been a lot nicer to him ever since he picked the winning numbers for her lottery ticket.

Race tied after candidate’s wife doesn’t vote ~ Candidate immediately softens his stance on domestic violence.

Guantanamo inmate: Obama has abandoned us ~ Oh, he did that back in January 2009. Don’t feel bad; it’s not only you who’s just now figuring that out.

Top 9 Things You Should Never Say To A Single Mom ~ “Wanna go out?”

3-Inch Fossil Holds Clue to Human Split From Apes ~ There’s no mystery behind the split. The reason our two species diverged–and I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I’m just laying it all out on the table–was because the apes were holding us back. I mean, look–it’s been like a great-gazillion years since then, and they’re STILL living in trees and pass the time by pelting one another with well-aimed clods of their own poo. Meanwhile, humans have not only journeyed to the moon and divined the secrets of the atom, we’ve also hunted some of those ape motherfuckers almost to the point of extinction. Homo Sapiens, BEYOTCH! 

If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It.

Requiem For a Horshack

15 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Brooklyn, celebrity deaths, closeted celebrities, come out John!, death by heart attack, John Travolta, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Robert Hegyes, Ron Palillo, sweathogs, the black guy did it, untalented stars, Welcome Back Kotter

By Smaktakula

The Guy Who Played Horshak: Sometime-2012— He Had So Much More To Offer.

Ron Palillo, the sometime actor best known for playing the cretinous Arnold Horshak on the 1970s TV series Welcome Back Kotter has died of an apparent heart attack. Palillo and his co-stars Robert Hegyes, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs and breakout star John Travolta portrayed the “Sweathogs,” four ethnically diverse, wise-cracking but sweet-hearted hoodlums from the mean streets of Brooklyn.

One Of These Actors Would Later Go On To Stardom. (It’s The Dude On The Right With The Jew-Fro)

The passing of this pop-culture nonentity might have escaped notice had it not been yet another incident in a string of tragic Sweathog-related events. 2012 has been a particularly bad year for three former Sweathogs. Hegyes, who played Juan Epstein, also died of an apparent “heart attack” in January. Travolta has been recently suffered a string of calamities, including the death of his son Jett, and his recent outing as a gay man accompanied by accusations of lewd conduct.

It’s Cool, Bro…We Kinda Figured.

Ask yourself–just who benefits from the death and ruination of these three men? The answer, though painful, is obvious.

“How Do You Like That? Every Time Somebody Dies, Motherfucker Starts Lookin’ At Me. That Ain’t Right.”

Witness The Fight You’ll Wish Both Men Could Lose: Screech vs. Horshak

Sweathogs Begin To Die Off

27 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, death by heart attack, Horshack, Jewfro, John Travolta, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Metuchen, Mr. Woodman's revenge, New Jersey, Robert Hegyes, sweathogs, Welcome Back Kotter

By Smaktakula

A Journey Of 1,000 Miles Begins With A Single Step.

Metuchen, NJ: Actor Robert Hegyes died in his home Thursday after apparently suffering a  heart attack. The Welcome Back, Kotter star was sixty years old.

Don't Pity Him, Kids--Time Will Have Its Way With You, Too.

Hegyes rose to fame in the 1970s playing Juan Epstein, a wiseacre Puerto Rican-Jewish street punk with an impressive Jewfro. Actors Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs (the black one), John Travolta (the successful one) and Horshack (Horshack) rounded out the ensemble cast of Kotter, which ran from 1976 to 1979. Despite its initial popularity, the show quickly lost steam when Travolta’s film career took off, and when viewers began to realize that the dead-end lives of four doomed, inner-city losers wasn’t so funny after all.

"I'm Gonna Die In A Drug Deal Gone Bad!" {CUE LAUGH TRACK}

In later years, Hegyes supported himself by teaching, and although he continued to act into the twenty-first century, never again found a role as iconic as Juan Epstein. Hegyes’ is survived by his two children. Today we, along with millions around the globe, share their grief, and give voice to the silent, angry question on so many minds: “Why couldn’t it have been Horshack?”

Put Your Arm Down, Ass-Chasm. Your Time Will Come.

"SOON..."

Allergy Kids

18 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

allergies, aquagenic pruritus, blocking the sun, Bubble Boy, C. Montgomery Burns, David Vetter, Jake Gyllenhaal, John Travolta, kids with freakish allergies, nanny state, natural selection, peanuts, photodermatitis, salty menace, school lunches, schools, Science, sunlight, Ted DeVita, Vitamin D

By Smaktakula

Yeah, It Sucks Pretty Bad, But It Beats Being Jake Gyllenhaal. Being John Travolta Still Remains Slightly Preferable, However.

Even a generation ago, many children allergic to staple dietary items like nuts did not survive into adulthood.   But thanks to rapid advances in modern science and a growing societal willingness to forsake the majority for the specialized needs of the very, very few, these kids can now grow up to lead semi-normal lives.  This is accomplished largely by restricting not only what is served in school cafeterias, but also limiting what foods students can bring with them from home.

Some parents of non-allergic or normally-allergic children wonder aloud if these drastic measures are truly necessary.  But parents of children with freakish allergies maintain that they are, pointing out that critics might feel differently if their child was so afflicted.  “If even one child’s life is saved by these restrictions,” says Diana Buford-Milton, whose son Evan gets hives from eating strawberries, “Then the inconveniences suffered by the remaining 99%+ of the population are really a small price to pay.”

The Salty Menace Lurks In The Pantry Waiting To Strike. Your Child Could Be Eating Peanuts Right Now.

Promethean Times agrees vociferously.  Dietary restrictions are an excellent start, but it would be criminal to stop there when kids with unusual allergies are suffering.  The yearly death tolls sometimes reach double-digit figures.

Take for example the plight of children with photodermatitis, an allergy to sunlight.  Blacking out classroom windows and eliminating outside recess would improve their lives considerably.  While it is true that many studies show that sunlight is conducive to good health, Vitamin D supplements should meet the needs of “normal” children during the hours they are in school.  If parents choose to expose their children to sunlight outside of school hours, that’s their right.  But let’s keep our priorities straight: kids go to school to learn, not to work on their tans.

Don’t even get us started on aquagenic pruritus.

C. Montgomery Burns: Allergy Advocate

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