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Tag Archives: oral sex

Headlines: Badly-Named And Born To Kill

14 Friday Jun 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Headlines, Politics, Religion, Science, Stupidity

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

Baby Boomers, Baby Boomers eat their young, Barack Obama, cannabis, Chelsea Handler, childish sexual innuendo, Christians, Christopher Dorner, Europeans, Game of Thrones, Guantanamo Bay, hemp, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jewish people, John Travolta, marijuana, oral sex, pot, pot smokers, Rashida Jones, reefer, Richard Gere, Secret Service, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, the Germans, urban legends, weed

By Smaktakula

His Crime? That Fucking Name.

In which we celebrate our ignorance by commenting on the headlines of news stories we can’t be bothered to actually read.

***

Only Children: Lonely and Selfish? ~ Sounds like someone had to wear hand-me-downs again this year. Loser.

Obama won’t let daughters date sans Secret Service protection ~ We’re pretty sure that every father wishes an entire federal agency were tasked with securing his daughters’ virginity.

Study: Why Pot Smokers Are Skinnier ~ Smaktakula is just 25 pounds away from weighing 1/8th of a ton. Make of that what you will.

There’s More to Life Than Freezing Your Eggs ~ But paradoxically, if you have to be told that, then no, there isn’t.

Study Reports Disinfecting ICU Patients Could Reduce Infections ~ Somebody spent time and money to determine that infections could be reduced by taking measures to reduce them. Unless this study was conducted by kindergartners, it’s time to set those research goals a little higher.

“Fluids Help Prevent Dehydration.” That’s Why He Went To Medical School, Folks.

Rashida Jones: Sorry for saying John Travolta should ‘come out’ ~ Plus, it got totally taken out of context. All she meant to say was that John Travolta is actually a gay man who is only pretending to be heterosexual, and that he should stop doing that.

Baby boomers are killing themselves at an alarming rate, begging question: Why? ~ Right, ‘Why?’ as in ‘Why look a gift horse in the mouth?’

Review: Firing of ex-LAPD officer Dorner justified ~ Oh, you mean the firing of that dude who subsequently went on a murderous rampage? Thanks for looking into that.

Europeans All Related by Genetic Footprint Dating Back Only 1000 Years Ago ~ So there’s no difference between, say, a German and a Frenchman? That’s a hell of a thing to say.

When to Do Surgery on a Child With ‘Both’ Genitalia ~YAAAAGHHH! Immediately! Do it now! Right now!

Like Richard Gere And His Gerbils, Once You’ve Heard That Rumor, You Just Can’t Look At Jamie Lee The Same Way.

3 Kids Electrocuted While Swimming Points To A Shockingly Common Danger ~ Insensitive puns? Stupid people? It points to a couple, actually.

Why Penis Pictures Aren’t Pretty ~ It’s tough to take a pleasing picture when your subject is a bald, wrinkly, one-eyed trousersnake, and kind of a cock.

The gay airman who took on the US military ~ A truly heroic undertaking, but not without its consequences: he’s gonna walk that way for the rest of his life.

Chelsea Handler Gets Gentile Kiss From BF ~ What’s a ‘Gentile Kiss?’ Is that like oral sex? Because the Jewish girls we used to know wouldn’t do that.

Can a Christian watch ‘Game of Thrones’? ~ If that Christian ponies up the cash for HBO, he or she can watch quite easily.

Plus, If You Squint, He Kinda Looks Like Jesus.

Single mother’s simple error earns her $14 million lottery prize ~ Simple Johnny’s mom has been a lot nicer to him ever since he picked the winning numbers for her lottery ticket.

Race tied after candidate’s wife doesn’t vote ~ Candidate immediately softens his stance on domestic violence.

Guantanamo inmate: Obama has abandoned us ~ Oh, he did that back in January 2009. Don’t feel bad; it’s not only you who’s just now figuring that out.

Top 9 Things You Should Never Say To A Single Mom ~ “Wanna go out?”

3-Inch Fossil Holds Clue to Human Split From Apes ~ There’s no mystery behind the split. The reason our two species diverged–and I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I’m just laying it all out on the table–was because the apes were holding us back. I mean, look–it’s been like a great-gazillion years since then, and they’re STILL living in trees and pass the time by pelting one another with well-aimed clods of their own poo. Meanwhile, humans have not only journeyed to the moon and divined the secrets of the atom, we’ve also hunted some of those ape motherfuckers almost to the point of extinction. Homo Sapiens, BEYOTCH! 

If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It.

Things We Think About: The Hummer

03 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

environmentalism, General Motors, GM, High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle, HMMWV, Hummer, Humvee, microdick poseurs, Mt. Kilimanjaro, oral sex, pencil-dicks, SUV parasites, SUVs, Tapout, Things we think about, tiny penis, US Military

By Smaktakula

Before You Say This Thing Is A Shameful Waste Of Resources, Ask Yourself: What If The Senior Prom Were Held Atop Mt. Kilimanjaro?

From 1992 until 2010, the Hummer was the most talked-about vehicle on the roads.  The massive SUV, General Motors’ civilian version of the US Military’s High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle, or Humvee, was an object of admiration to off-road enthusiasts and to environmentalists, a garish icon of American rapacity.  Although there remain a great many of these automotive behemoths on the road today, GM discontinued the line in 2010, and “Hummer” is quickly returning to its origins as a euphemism for oral sex.

This Oversized Child's Toy Reminds Us That You Can In Fact Have Too Much Money.

The Hummer has but two uses.  It is a powerful and durable all-terrain vehicle, the perfect utility for that small percentage of the population which finds itself in conditions so inhospitable that such a conveyance is necessary.  Or, it can serve as an artificial manhood for pitiable pencil dicks with good credit and a dearth of brains.*

IM HUMMN. Translation: "Ladies: Not Only Would I Like You To Believe I Am A Virile Sex-God, But Also That I'm Quite Witty."

Either way, a Hummer without a personalized plate screaming “Look At Me!” just isn’t a Hummer at all.

*Poorly-endowed halfwits without good credit often opt for TAPOUT accessories. ∞T.

Commercial Icon Institutionalized After Bloody Rampage

15 Friday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Commercials, don't drink the Kool-Aid, Fond du Lac, Gary, Greyhound, Indiana, Jonestown, Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid Man, Oh Yeah!, oral sex, spokesgolem, Wisconsin

By Smaktakula

Fond du Lac, Wisconsin: Kool-Aid Man, the beloved commercial spokesgolem of yesteryear, was committed this week to the Edgecomb Hospital for the Freakish and Deranged.   Man had been living by himself since the death of his mother in 2008.

It Will Be Years Before The Citizens Of Fond du Lac Will Feel Safe Again.

Famed for his exuberant commercial appearances, Man’s career peaked in the 70s and 80s.  His star shone brightest during the so-called golden age of commercials– after Madison Avenue had perfected its art, but before television recording devices came into widespread use allowing viewers to skip commercials.  During that time it was hard to watch television without seeing Man’s scarlet, bulbous form come smashing through a load-bearing wall to the delight of a gaggle of well-scrubbed–and miraculously unharmed–children.

In retrospect, it’s astonishing that Man was able to perform the stunt successfully for as many years as he did before someone got hurt.  “When little Billy Wexner was crushed,” Man said in an interview years later, “It was the beginning of the end.”

It was also the end of the end.  Kool-Aid quietly paid off Little Billy’s parents, and through their lawyers let Man know his services would no longer be required.  Said Man, “After fourteen good years–fourteen years in which I turned down some good offers–they just let me go.  Not Kool, man.  Not Kool at all.”

Their Torrid Affair Would Last Three Years.

Friendless, broke and cracked, Man drifted through a variety of jobs, occasionally picking up work as an extra on cable shows like Silk Stalkings. Eventually, even those jobs became too difficult to maintain.  Man developed a reputation for flakiness.

“I was in a lot of pain, and it seemed like nobody wanted to give me any work.  So yeah, I drank.”  The punch-filled creature’s life had spun so far out of control by that time that he was reduced to offering $5 blowjobs to rangy weirdos in the Gary, Indiana Greyhound station.

But There Would Be No Happy Ending That Day In Jonestown.

“That’s when I bottomed out.”  Four days later he was back at his estranged parents’ house in Fond du Lac.  Man’s father died in 2002, and after his mother died in 2008 the freakish creature lived a hermit’s life.  There would be occasional reports of a large red serving container walking the streets in the late hours or in the very early morning, but Man mostly kept to himself.

Given the pains Man had taken to keep a low profile, the bloody carnage of a few days ago is puzzling.  The citizens of Fond du Lac have no answers–they are still reeling from the devastation caused by the creature’s rampage.  Twenty-three people, including two firefighters and a police officer were killed when Man stormed the town’s main street.

Survivor Sandy Bollier: "Words Can't Describe Those Three Hours In A Cherry Flavored Hell."

Gleeful roars of “OH YEAH!” could be heard among the screams of the dying and maimed early in the episode.  Once the gas main was ruptured, the resulting conflagration forced the police and SWAT teams to act as rescuers, breaking off their efforts to take down the fire-resistant Man.

In the end capturing the raging creature proved startlingly easy.  He was found in the remnants of the Old Spaghetti Factory, weeping.  Most of his Kool-Aid core had boiled away, but in most other respects he was unhurt.

Kool-Aid Man's Frequent Cosmetic Surgeries Became A Grotesque Obsession.

Man’s doctors say he has so far adjusted well to a life of confinement.  Privately, however, they worry that if Man decides to go on a rampage, no wall will stop him.

OH, YEAH!

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