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Tag Archives: Indiana

Nobody Loves The Opossum

25 Friday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Science

≈ 32 Comments

Tags

despised things, Germany, has-beens, Heidi the Cross-Eyed Opossum, hideous creatures, Indiana, Kirstie Alley, mammals, marsupials, Mississippi, opossums, possum-killing, possums, robins, Shelley Long, starlings, the Germans, vermin, washed-up celebrities, Where Are They Now?, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Stupid, Despised And Unfit To Live, Yet The Opossum Still Flourishes. The State Of Indiana Can Be Explained In Much The Same Way.

Spare a moment of thought, if you will, for that most wretched and despised of God’s creations, the opossum.  Sometimes called simply a ‘possum,’ this primitive marsupial is most famous for its disgusting prehensile tail and its trick of playing dead when threatened.  Opossums are also notable for having the smallest brain-to-body size ratio of all mammals.  The combination of these factors ensures that the opossum is paramount among the world’s cowardly, hideous and stupid creatures.

Heidi The Cross-Eyed Possum Is A Celebrity In Germany, Whose People Are Justifiably Proud Of Their Reputation For Protecting Those Things Which Are Both Exotic And Defenseless.

No one advocates for the opossum, or regards it as anything other than filthy vermin.  Washed-up, bloated celebrities won’t appear on late-night infomercials extolling the good works performed by the Opossum Relief Fund, while images of abused and neglected opossums play to sad music.  Deranged old ladies never leave out bowls of milk for these skulking night-rats.

Despite All That’s Happened, Kirstie Alley’s Career Has Yet To Fall Below The ‘Possum Line.’ Sadly, The Same Cannot Be Said For Shelley Long.

Not usually eaten in first-world nations (we know you just can’t help yourselves, Mississippi), the opossum’s life is denied even that value accorded to a barnyard hen.  Unlike say, a robin or starling, nobody ever has a life-changing moment after killing an opossum with a BB gun.  Quite the opposite in fact; it’s not uncommon to hear possum-killing described with great satisfaction: “I’m glad I drowned that filthy creature in a trashcan filled with motor oil and lawn clippings.”

“Well, Aren’t You Just The Cutest Thing? Rusty–Get My Slingshot.”

Preservin’ That Hillbilly Heritage

14 Wednesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

America's Funniest Home Videos, Arby's KFC, bad parents, Canada, denim diapers, do-nothings, fauxhawks, hillbillies, Hometown Trough, Indiana, methamphetamine, mullets, No Fear, places that suck, playing the lottery as an investment, professional wrestling, rednecks, Tapout, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, white trash, White Trash Diaspora, WTD, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Nobody Said Being A Parent Would Be Easy. In Fairness, Though--It Was Clearly Implied. We're Not Blaming Anyone, We're Just Saying That In A Very Real Way It's Your Fault.

We totally get it. You’re damn proud of your white trash pedigree, and want to pass that culture on to the young’uns. Originally confined to the South and most parts of Indiana, the White Trash Diaspora (WTD) has spread throughout the 48 contiguous non-freak states and Canada. And with white trash mommas birthing larger litters every year, redneck cultural historians say it is more important than ever that this vital slice of American whitebread be “preserved for posterior.”

Maybe you think that as a parent, you’ve done everything you can to teach little Cody or Ashley about this proud legacy: exposing them to endless hours of TV, heavy on Two and a Half Men, America’s Funniest Home Videos, rasslin’ and fine reality programming; dressing them appropriately in No Fear and TapouT t-shirts, and taming their fauxhawks and mullets with bulk-bought gel; enjoying regular family dinners at Arby’s, The Hometown Trough, or for really special occasions, Dave & Busters. But ask yourself: in the face of cultural dilution, is this enough?

You've Been Preparing For Your Financial Future--But What About Your Child's Future?

On the surface it may appear so. Sure, your toddler is a toothless, intolerant do-nothing who speaks incomprehensible English and lives off the charity of others–but can you guarantee he’ll stay that way?

Look–there are no guarantees in life. Despite an upbringing of rural squalor in a meth-rich environment lacking even the most basic amenities, there will always be those horror stories about kids who grow up with wild-eyed dreams of a better life. So while there’s no way to completely ensure that your boy will play football and not soccer, you can nevertheless stack the cards in your favor by starting when he’s young. May we suggest as a first step these ultra-boss denim diapers? Not only will they keep baby shit out of the carpet for a few hours, but Junior will look hella tough.

'Cause, Hey--Sometimes You Shit Your Levi's, Too.

Dog Unmoved By Master’s Return From Afghanistan

12 Thursday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Afghanistan, bad dog, Ft. Wayne, Helmand Province, Indiana, Marine Corps, T-Bone, treachery

By Smaktakula

Ft. Wayne, Indiana–Cpl. Ricky Baker had been looking forward to his return from Afghanistan for months.  After a year-long deployment in Afghanistan’s Helmand Province, Baker wanted nothing more than to enjoy the pleasures of home.  Baker was met by a group of over twenty smiling friends and family members when his plane touched down at Smith Field Airport.  However, notably absent among those waiting was T-Bone, Baker’s mixed breed dog.

The expected reunion between man and dog occurred at Baker’s parents’ house, where the dog had been living during the marine’s deployment.  T-Bone is reported to have looked at Baker and then thumped his tail against the floor twice before going back to sleep.

"Oh, It's You. Hey."

Headlines 10.07.11

07 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Africa, African famine, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Budweiser, butterface, death by drowning, debt crisis, Democrats, Europe, great white shark, headlines, hos, Indiana, living in a van down by the river, Matt Foley, Mississippi, online dating, perverts, pizza, Poltergeist, prostitution, Republicans, reset button, skunky beer, Somalia, South Korea, Tanzania, tapeworms, TV for idiots, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, vegans, Vermont, White House, you're welcome

By Smaktakula

Well, Bless Their Hearts.

In which we opine on the latest headlines, without bothering to first read the stories.

***

Seoul to Introduce Female-Only Subway Cars 

  • Korean perverts to introduce hidden cameras to female-only subway cars.

Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression

  • It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.

Suspect arrested while trying to bail out ally 

  • There is honor among thieves, just no common sense.

Bill Clinton, on his 65th birthday, has gone vegan

  •  That’s a misprint.  Rather than ‘gone vegan’ it should read ‘done Meagan.’

Like You’d Do Any Differently In His Position.

Exposed coffins, destroyed homes in Vt. town

  • Sweet!  A Poltergeist remake.

Deportation policy angers bloggers

  • Yeah, but when you have no real friends and a surfeit of free time, you tend to get irritated pretty easily.

Tradition forces girls into prostitution 

  • “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza? 

  • The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

Beachgoers in Venice Rescue Stranded Great White Shark 

  • The freed predator wasted no time before devouring a surfer.

Europe’s debt could sink US

  •  This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US was obliged to pay.

Avez-Vous Des Remerciements? Non? Ah, C’est La Vie.

Indiana State Fair stage collapse claims sixth victim 

  • Is that thing still on the loose?

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims 

  • If it bothers you so much, eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Online dating? Why no one wants you 

  • Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors.  Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

It’s Like Putting Fancy Rims On A ’78 Pacer.

President Obama goes for a reset on jobs 

  • Because neither ‘Do Over’ nor ‘We Take It Back‘ sounded quite right.

Ashton Kutcher’s second ‘Two and a Half Men’ episode: Do we still care?

  • That you ever did says a lot about you.

White House Future Is Now, Many Republicans Conclude

  •  No, by definition, now is the present and the future is yet to come.  And they say the Democrats can’t get their shit together.

Funk Legend Living In A Van 

  • The van’s funk is said to be legendary.

The Most Highly-Prized Locale For The Van-Dweller Is, Of Course, Down By The River.

Tanzania: Horror As 180 People Perish in Ferry Accident 

  • Dear God!  At times like this, when the soul reels in shock and disbelief, we must remember that . . . HOLD ON!  Forget about that–Our affiliate in Tuscaloosa is reporting that a cute white girl has gone missing!

Why I Don’t Drink Budweiser…and Why I’m Not Alone

  • Because fermented goat semen just doesn’t taste that hot.

How Did the Robot End Up With My Job? 

  • For starters, the LaborTron3K doesn’t come to work hung over, steal paperclips or grope the copy boy.  Plus, you’re ugly.

How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny.

  • The secret is tapeworms.

Proper Sanitation And Hygiene Save Lives.

See Also:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII

Leslie Nielsen’s Death Inspires Sadness, Confusion

01 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

A-Team, Anderson Cooper, Bill Pullman, Canada, Canadians named Leslie, Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, CNN, Evansville, George Peppard, Hollywood, Indiana, Jeff Daniels, Lee Marvin, Leslie Nielsen, Mission Impossible, Movies, Robert Graves, Steve Martin, Wild and Crazy Guy

By Smaktakula

Leslie Nielsen: 1926-2010

Evansville, Indiana:  Multiple injuries were reported Sunday night at Ye Owl & Boar Tavern in Evansville, stemming from a dispute surrounding the career of the late actor Leslie Nielsen.  The 84-year old star had died earlier in the day.

Despite Being A Canadian Named Leslie, Nielsen Could Turn On The Tough When He Had To.

Bartender Mort Travis described the argument which led to the brawl.  “The sound was off on the TV, but CNN announced that actor {Nielsen} had died.  Everybody was real sad about that.”  But things would not remain calm.  “Then Jimmy Durbin said the thing that started it all.”

According to several eyewitnesses, what Durbin is reported to have said was, “Of all the things that guy ever did, my favorite was ‘Mission Impossible.'”

"If You Believe In Yourself," Said Nielsen, "No Mission Is Impossible."

“That started everyone arguing,” says Travis, “Because Jimmy had the guy confused with another guy.  I’m pretty sure that guy {Nielsen} was in the A-Team.  You know who I’m talking about–not the black guy.”

Nielsen Remained In Demand During His Later Years By Always Bringing His A-Game.

The brawl resulted in several arrests and three hospitalizations.  However, by an hour before closing time, many of the fight’s participants were back upon their bar stools as if nothing had happened.

In all the confusion, it’s easy to overlook the salient fact underlying the fracas: a great actor and Hollywood legend has left us.  We’ll miss that wild and crazy guy!

"Well Excuuuuuuuuuse Me!"

Just think of the confusion which will arise when either Bill Pullman or Jeff Daniels dies.

Commercial Icon Institutionalized After Bloody Rampage

15 Friday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Commercials, don't drink the Kool-Aid, Fond du Lac, Gary, Greyhound, Indiana, Jonestown, Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid Man, Oh Yeah!, oral sex, spokesgolem, Wisconsin

By Smaktakula

Fond du Lac, Wisconsin: Kool-Aid Man, the beloved commercial spokesgolem of yesteryear, was committed this week to the Edgecomb Hospital for the Freakish and Deranged.   Man had been living by himself since the death of his mother in 2008.

It Will Be Years Before The Citizens Of Fond du Lac Will Feel Safe Again.

Famed for his exuberant commercial appearances, Man’s career peaked in the 70s and 80s.  His star shone brightest during the so-called golden age of commercials– after Madison Avenue had perfected its art, but before television recording devices came into widespread use allowing viewers to skip commercials.  During that time it was hard to watch television without seeing Man’s scarlet, bulbous form come smashing through a load-bearing wall to the delight of a gaggle of well-scrubbed–and miraculously unharmed–children.

In retrospect, it’s astonishing that Man was able to perform the stunt successfully for as many years as he did before someone got hurt.  “When little Billy Wexner was crushed,” Man said in an interview years later, “It was the beginning of the end.”

It was also the end of the end.  Kool-Aid quietly paid off Little Billy’s parents, and through their lawyers let Man know his services would no longer be required.  Said Man, “After fourteen good years–fourteen years in which I turned down some good offers–they just let me go.  Not Kool, man.  Not Kool at all.”

Their Torrid Affair Would Last Three Years.

Friendless, broke and cracked, Man drifted through a variety of jobs, occasionally picking up work as an extra on cable shows like Silk Stalkings. Eventually, even those jobs became too difficult to maintain.  Man developed a reputation for flakiness.

“I was in a lot of pain, and it seemed like nobody wanted to give me any work.  So yeah, I drank.”  The punch-filled creature’s life had spun so far out of control by that time that he was reduced to offering $5 blowjobs to rangy weirdos in the Gary, Indiana Greyhound station.

But There Would Be No Happy Ending That Day In Jonestown.

“That’s when I bottomed out.”  Four days later he was back at his estranged parents’ house in Fond du Lac.  Man’s father died in 2002, and after his mother died in 2008 the freakish creature lived a hermit’s life.  There would be occasional reports of a large red serving container walking the streets in the late hours or in the very early morning, but Man mostly kept to himself.

Given the pains Man had taken to keep a low profile, the bloody carnage of a few days ago is puzzling.  The citizens of Fond du Lac have no answers–they are still reeling from the devastation caused by the creature’s rampage.  Twenty-three people, including two firefighters and a police officer were killed when Man stormed the town’s main street.

Survivor Sandy Bollier: "Words Can't Describe Those Three Hours In A Cherry Flavored Hell."

Gleeful roars of “OH YEAH!” could be heard among the screams of the dying and maimed early in the episode.  Once the gas main was ruptured, the resulting conflagration forced the police and SWAT teams to act as rescuers, breaking off their efforts to take down the fire-resistant Man.

In the end capturing the raging creature proved startlingly easy.  He was found in the remnants of the Old Spaghetti Factory, weeping.  Most of his Kool-Aid core had boiled away, but in most other respects he was unhurt.

Kool-Aid Man's Frequent Cosmetic Surgeries Became A Grotesque Obsession.

Man’s doctors say he has so far adjusted well to a life of confinement.  Privately, however, they worry that if Man decides to go on a rampage, no wall will stop him.

OH, YEAH!

Everybody’s All-American

26 Monday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Mythology, National Events, Places

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

All-American City, City of Destiny, depressing cities, Ft. Wayne, hard times, Indiana, Mexico, Ohio, PNW, rust belt, T-Town, Tacoma, Thrice All-American, Tijuana, Toledo, Washington, Washington State

By Smaktakula
 
The following cities are three-time winners of the coveted All-American City designation:

Toledo, Ohio

Ft. Wayne, Indiana

Tacoma, Washington: City Of Destiny

What does a city have to do to NOT be designated an All-American City?

Tijuana, Mexico: Future All-American City

 

Mellencamp Mooted For Senate Bid

18 Thursday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Music, National Events, Politics, Regional Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Democratic Party, Evan Bayh, Facebook, Indiana, John Mellencamp, United States Senate

No word from singer John Mellencamp yet, but activity on a Facebook page has spurred talk of a run for the senate seat soon to be left vacant by Evan Bayh.

Mellencamp is a great singer, and clearly cares about the causes with which he’s associated himself over the years.   However, despite having shilled for the Dems in the past, I’m not sure how what kind of reception the fuzzy, folksy populism Mellencamp espouses would receive within the lockstep confines of the current Democratic leadership.

Still, he has a great pedigree: like Cheney, he’s an irascible foul-mouth with a bad ticker, and like our current president, Mellencamp has frequently pledged to quit smoking, but has some trouble with his follow-through.

Smaktakula

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