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Tag Archives: Wonder Woman

Wonder Twins: Deactivated

11 Friday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

Aquaman, Batman, camel toe, Exxor, Gleek, incest, Jayna, lame heroes, Marvin White, monkey-fucking, Robin, Robin as sex-slave, Super Friends, Superman, Wendy Harris, Wonder Dog, Wonder Twins, Wonder Woman, you got a real, Zan

By Smaktakula

“Form Of: Unnatural Urges!” “Shape Of: Cultural Taboos!”

Although younger readers may not remember the Super Friends TV show, to millions of children growing up in the 1970s and 1980s, this collection of sissy do-gooders was as beloved as any other family member.  With its membership boasting such heroic A-Listers as Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman, as well as useless queer0s like Aquaman and Robin, the Boy Wonder, the Super-Friends enjoyed the advantage of being for a time the only super-hero show on TV.

They Let Aquaman Join–How Super Can They Be?

But the program’s executives wanted more youthful characters to whom the show’s primary audience of children could better relate.  It was pointed out that although Robin is ostensibly a teenager, the results of focus group studies indicated that younger audiences responded positively to adolescent heroes whom Batman was not fucking.

Don’t Judge. It Was A Different Time.

The first results of this experiment were safe, if unexciting.  For a few seasons the adult heroes were joined by non-powered teens Wendy Harris and Marvin White, and the caped canine, Wonder Dog.  Perhaps sensing the potentially catastrophic potential in sending children to battle alongside spandex-clad gods, after just a few seasons the show’s producers went back to the drawing board to create new sidekicks.  By keeping the elements of Wendy and Marvin that worked (a teenaged male-female pair with a comically useless pet) while ditching what didn’t (their humanity), the Super-Friends achieved their greatest character success: the Wonder Twins.

“C’Mon–I’m Just Shaggy With A Green Towel On My Shoulders. You Can’t Tell Me We’re Not The Lamest Super-Heroes Of All Time.”

The Wonder Twins were Zan and Jayna, extraterrestrial visitors from the planet Exxor, who had unusual powers which would work only in conjunction with one another.  However, in a nod to their predecessors, Wendy and Marvin, their powers were exceedingly lame and practically useless.  By touching their rings together, each twin could assume a variety of unique forms.  Zan’s ability was to transform himself into water, steam or ice.  Jayna could change into an animal.  The Wonder Twins, along with their mutant space-monkey Gleek, served to add not only much-needed comedy relief for the otherwise-serious show, but also provided ready-made hostages for the Super-Friends to rescue week after week.

This Was Pretty Much The Extent Of Their Abilities.

But by the time the 1990s rolled around, the Wonder Twins were gone from the television screen, their memories already fading into pop-culture trivia.  The 1988 National Enquirer article which proved the final nail in the coffin of the twins’ career is remembered by some, but it is the revelations contained in that article which continue to bedevil the twins’ reputation to present.  These allegations and the Wonder Twins’ subsequent descent into ignominy reminds us that no matter who or how powerful you are, the viewing public is not yet ready to tolerate either incest or monkey-fucking.

“You May Think It’s Weird & Creepy–But On Exxor, EVERYBODY Does It!”

Wonder Woman: Heart Of Steel

14 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad boys, Batman, battered women, comic books, domestic abuse, love, romance, spousal abuse, Superman, Superman is a dick, unlucky in love, Wonder Woman

By Smaktakula

Wonder Woman Unwanted

14 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

actresses with admirable bosoms, animated shows, bull dykes, cheesecake, dumb characters, fanboys, invisible jet, jiggling superheroines, Lynda Carter, magic lasso, magnificent rack, Marlboro, ridiculous plot contrivances, second-rate superheroes, sexism, Spider-Man, superheroes, Superman, television, TV networks, weirdos, William Moulton Marston, Wonder Man, Wonder Woman

By Smaktakula

For Real?--A Horse? So What, Are You Fucking Zorro Now? See, This Is Exactly What Everybody's Been Trying To Tell You. It's This Kind Of Bullshit That Makes You A Second-Rater.

Dateless fanboys and Marlboro-sucking bull dykes would seem to make an unlikely pairing.  And yet, these two  disparate groups find themselves united in their despair over the television networks’ collective ambivalence to Wonder Woman’s return to the small screen.  Despite the current spate of popular animated shows featuring superheroes, Wonder Woman just isn’t pushing anyone’s buttons.

Hmm. Ditch The Top And Call Us When You've Lost About Five Pounds. Keep The Rope, Though. The Rope Works.

Wonder Woman may be something of a mystery to readers familiar with “real” superheros such as Superman or Spider-Man.  Created in the 1970s as a showcase for Lynda Carter‘s magnificent rack,* Wonder Woman was a feminine counterpoint to the physical perfection and strength of Superman.  In those dim, hardscrabble days before the ubiquity and staggering variety of internet pornography, horny men would tune in week after week, enduring a succession of moronic plots and ridiculous contrivances such as an invisible jet in which the pilot would always remain clearly visible, in the hopes that just maybe Wonder Woman would jiggle a little as she tied the bad guys up.

Lynda Carter's Ample, Well-Rounded Talents Lent Themselves Readily To The Subject Matter; They Were Firm And Resolute, But Supple Enough To Express A Bountiful Sensitivity.

Nowadays Wonder Woman is only read by quiet, friendless little girls and perhaps the occasional boy too inept to access the low-hanging fruit that is internet porn.  Given this, it’s not terribly surprising that an animated Wonder Woman is finding no takers.

"Here She Comes. Don't Make It Look Like You're Watching! Seriously! She'll See Us, And I'll Crack Up. God, She's Such A Weirdo. I Don't Think She Thinks Anyone Can See Her In That Stupid 'Invisible Plane.' And Have You Seen Her Feet? What Is Wrong With Those--OH HI WW! We Were Just Talking About You!"

This begs the question: Would the heroine have fared better if she were a man?  Given the rampant sexism in the media, it might be easy enough to imagine that a “Wonder Man” might have succeeded where Wonder Woman failed, and been given his own show.

Covers Like This Keep A Sad Franchise Chugging Along.

Not likely.  Actually, there is a Wonder Man, and he is without question the lamest hero of all time.

"Uhmm-m" Is Right. You Suck, Assweasel.

*Oh, is that not how it happened?  Hey–no one cares, nerd.  ∞T.

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