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Tag Archives: weirdos

Punching-Bag Faiths Make Bid For ‘Real Religion’ Status

07 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Politics, Religion

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

alcoholism, bigotry, bravery, Catholicism, Christians, double standards, Germany, holiness church, Holocaust, hypocrisy, Jehovah's Witnesses, Jews, LDS, Methodists, Mormons, muslims, NAMBLA, pacifism, Quakers, religious intolerance, religious persecution, safe to joke about, snake handlers, weirdos

Originally Posted 01.03.12

By Smaktakula

Man, It Is So Refreshing Not Have To Make Up Some Excuse About His Politics, And Instead Simply Be Able To Say, “I’m Not Gonna Vote For This Guy ‘Cause I Hate His Crazy Religion.”

It’s no secret that joking about religion can be a dicey prospect. While it may occasionally still be safe to joke about baby-buggering bishops outside the earshot of any nearby papists (which means refraining from comment in bars, bingo parlors or AA meetings), kicking the Catholics is increasingly frowned upon in polite society. The Jews, for centuries the go-to faith for angry scapegoaters, have in the last half-century begun to push back with vehemence against all insults real and imagined. Even Islam, long-acknowledged as the most easy-going among all the Great Faiths, has begun to take a firmer hand with those who besmirch its many anachronistically inflexible tenets. It seems like nobody wants to be poked fun at any more, and doing so can cost you your job–or worse.

If Physical Intimidation Is Your Thing, Why Not Pick On The Quakers, Jehovah’s Witnesses Or Amish?–They’re Pacifists–Although They’re Tougher Than They Look.

That’s why we’re so lucky in America to have weirdo religions like the Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, snake-handlers and the like. When feeling down, who hasn’t picked himself up by joking that the Mormon guy at work “probably has like eight wives?” And almost everyone has personally experienced the joy of bonding with a stranger over a simple conversation about how fucking annoying it is to have somebody come to your door once or twice a year to tell you that God loves you.

“Would You PLEASE Stop Saying That? It’s Offensive.”

But even these small comforts may soon be a memory. Kicking bizarre religions could become a quaint relic of yesteryear if these fundamentalist wackos get their way, and pretty soon we may have to start treating these fringe-dwellers like real faiths–with respect. Ridiculous!  We would rather see our daughters forced into a life of prostitution than to compromise our principles by treating a snake handler as if he were the spiritual equal of a Methodist or a Muslim. Not only is snake handling illegal in most civilized states, but its disturbing tenets fall completely outside the boundaries of what Promethean Times deems acceptable for a ‘normal’ religion.

We Call Bullshit. They’re Happy AND They Enjoy Spending Time With Their Families? Just What The Fuck Is Wrong With These People?

While we believe that, without exception, tolerance should be extended to every person on Earth regardless of his or her wacky beliefs, we can’t stand Mormons because of their extreme and hateful view of homosexuality–they strongly disapprove of it. Perhaps if we outlawed their ridiculous religion they’d understand how important it is to tolerate people with differing beliefs, even those considered offensive.

Sure, We All Know That Church On Saturday Is Weird And Wrong. But If You Want To Avoid Real Trouble, Make Sure The Line Of People At Which You’re Throwing Eggs Is Coming Out Of A Kingdom Hall.

What can we say about the Jehovah’s Witnesses that we haven’t said before?  The really irritating thing about the Jehovah’s Witnesses is that when they’re mocked and the faith they hold so dear is distorted by a bunch of sneering half-truths, they retaliate by taking the time to write a nice note with a polite point-by-point response to the issues upon which there is disagreement. Some call it ‘turning the other cheek,’ but we call it fighting dirty.

Plus, They’re Cowards. When Most Other Able-Bodied German Men Were Doing Their Part To Enslave The Remaining Free Peoples Of Europe, The Jehovah’s Witnesses Decided They’d Rather Stay Home And Camp.

Although the American public still enjoys the right to publicly belittle these various zealots without fear of social opprobrium, the winds are changing. Soon, we may be forced to place these factions on par with those groups which have a legitimate history of persecution, like NAMBLA, the North American Man-Boy Love Association. Until then, we ask that other people of legitimate faiths to join us in fervently wishing that a few more of those freaks get bit by their own deadly serpents.

Serves You Right For Being Such A Weirdo.

In America, we treat all beliefs with equal respect.  You can get behind that or you can get the fuck out. ∞T.

Recycling: Picking Up The Pieces Of Broken Lives

10 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Science

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Chicken McNuggets, ecology, environment, environmentalism, fortified wine, heart-rending stories, homeless people, litter, panhandling, trash, United States of America, weirdos

By Smaktakula

"This Ain't The America I Know!"

We’ve come a long way in just one generation. It wasn’t so many years ago that the nation was buried from coast to coast in filth: trash subsumed parking lots, fields and empty spaces, with refuse festooned along telephone wires and garbage lining the sides of America’s highways. In recent years, wiser and more proactive voices have been heard, and the West has finally begun the slow march back from the garbage-choked precipice upon which it had found itself.

But our commitment to a cleaner environment comes with a price. While the majority of the population derives huge benefits from these changes in the form of better health and therefore a longer and more enjoyable life, the change in sensibilities has proven devastating for America’s forgotten citizens, who see a cherished way of life coming to an abrupt and painful end.

Some Nations Are Not So Hygienically-Inclined As Are Americans.

Ask yourself: who is left out in the cold by the culture’s ecological zeal? How about those fringers who make their living by digging shit out of the garbage? A plethora of half-eaten Chicken McNuggets and Subway sandwiches will ensure that they eat, but where will they find the money for fortified wine? Consider the middle-aged fellow who hangs out behind the Save-Mart, the dude with the running sore on his cheek who’s forever bickering with the invisible demons hunched upon his shoulders.  Just what do you suppose this gentleman will do when he digs through a filthy dumpster only to discover you’ve taken your recycling in yourself?  He’s not going to be very happy, we can tell you that much.  He may even leave a turd on the hood of your car.  Again.

Like it or not, unforeseen consequences attend every decision. While our newfound zeal for an orderly environment has unquestionably made the earth a more livable place for the majority, the homeless have seen a radical change to their time-honored way of life. Now, these plucky outdoorsmen must devote a greater share of their time not only to panhandling, but also to concocting a sufficiently heart-rending tale to accompany it.

Oooh, That's A Good One!

Edgy Weirdo Reaching Out To Community Children

12 Wednesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Chehalis, creepy old perverts, Eastern Bloc, edgy drifter, Interstate 5, Lewis County, Washington State, weirdos, you suck so bad Lewis County so so bad

By Smaktakula

Chehalis, Washington: Newly arrived resident Stavros Livskutchk intends to embrace the Lewis County spirit by spending time with local kids.  The rangy drifter, who says he hails from “an Eastern Bloc country which no longer exists,” has taken residence at the KOA Kampground off Interstate 5.  Starting Sunday, Livskutchk is offering boys and girls twelve and under free rides in the trunk of his spacious ’92 Buick Skylark.  Preference will be given to runaways and children from broken homes.

"For First Kids Comink, Stavros Give Free Pöpzci. Is Like Pepsi. You Trink It Vit Your Mouth."

Furries

28 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

backup mascot, fandom, furries, junior college isn't real college, LARPers, make believe, shut-ins, so sad, weirdos, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

It must come as a sobering realization that your life’s purpose is to outfit yourself like a junior college backup mascot.

Your Mothers Must Be Very Proud.

Moronic Song Inspires Moronic Death Threats

29 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Music, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adam Lambert, Auto-Tune, Bono, devolution, Emil Haagerdäddi, Friday, Good Charlotte, John Hinckley Jr., John Lennon, Kirstie Alley, Kurt Cobain, Mark David Chapman, psychos, Rebecca Black, stupid people, stupid shit little girls like, Susan Boyle, The Catcher in the Rye, Twilight, untalented stars, weirdos, William Hung, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

Once Upon A Time, Psychos Shot Public Figures To Impress Acclaimed Actresses. Today They'll Do It For Kirstie Alley.

The world has changed a great deal since Mark David Chapman was convinced by overrated teen-angst novel The Catcher in the Rye that John Lennon was a “phony” and needed to die.  Although Chapman will be forever hated as the man who killed John Lennon but didn’t kill Yoko Ono when he had the chance, it must be granted that in selecting the former Beatle as the target for his psychopathic rage, he was certainly aiming high.

Still Alive. Why, God? Why?

In 2011, fringy weirdos are apparently under no compulsion to set such lofty goals for themselves, as evidenced by disturbing news from Anaheim, California that imbecilic viral sensation Rebecca Black has received two death threats.  An unnamed source with the Anaheim PD confirmed the report, saying: “It’s baffling that someone should be upset over this song.”  While admitting it was insipid, aural crack, he added, “But Rebecca has an IQ of 73–she literally doesn’t know what she’s singing–or Auto-Tuning, rather.”

The offensive video:

There are those who remain unconcerned about this incident, denying any link to a wider social trend, reasoning that, after all, Friday is a pretty shitty song.  But a growing number of cultural watchdogs see this as symptomatic of society’s devolution as a whole.  “A few years ago,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Cambridge Institute for Stalker Studies, “This nut would have been gunning for Bono or Kurt Cobain.  But those pukes in Good Charlotte are too highbrow for today’s headcase.  It’s sad, really.”

A Literary Work No Longer Needs To Have Cultural Resonance To Inspire Pathetically Crazed Fans.

It’s too early to tell if the doomsayers are correct in believing that humanity has fallen to such a level that the effect is evidenced even in society’s outliers.  True or not, it’s best to err on the side of caution, and provide a little extra protection for such pop music footnotes as Susan Boyle and that pouty little gay kid from American Idol.

William Hung: This Talentless Blob Fears For His Life.

Wonder Woman Unwanted

14 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

actresses with admirable bosoms, animated shows, bull dykes, cheesecake, dumb characters, fanboys, invisible jet, jiggling superheroines, Lynda Carter, magic lasso, magnificent rack, Marlboro, ridiculous plot contrivances, second-rate superheroes, sexism, Spider-Man, superheroes, Superman, television, TV networks, weirdos, William Moulton Marston, Wonder Man, Wonder Woman

By Smaktakula

For Real?--A Horse? So What, Are You Fucking Zorro Now? See, This Is Exactly What Everybody's Been Trying To Tell You. It's This Kind Of Bullshit That Makes You A Second-Rater.

Dateless fanboys and Marlboro-sucking bull dykes would seem to make an unlikely pairing.  And yet, these two  disparate groups find themselves united in their despair over the television networks’ collective ambivalence to Wonder Woman’s return to the small screen.  Despite the current spate of popular animated shows featuring superheroes, Wonder Woman just isn’t pushing anyone’s buttons.

Hmm. Ditch The Top And Call Us When You've Lost About Five Pounds. Keep The Rope, Though. The Rope Works.

Wonder Woman may be something of a mystery to readers familiar with “real” superheros such as Superman or Spider-Man.  Created in the 1970s as a showcase for Lynda Carter‘s magnificent rack,* Wonder Woman was a feminine counterpoint to the physical perfection and strength of Superman.  In those dim, hardscrabble days before the ubiquity and staggering variety of internet pornography, horny men would tune in week after week, enduring a succession of moronic plots and ridiculous contrivances such as an invisible jet in which the pilot would always remain clearly visible, in the hopes that just maybe Wonder Woman would jiggle a little as she tied the bad guys up.

Lynda Carter's Ample, Well-Rounded Talents Lent Themselves Readily To The Subject Matter; They Were Firm And Resolute, But Supple Enough To Express A Bountiful Sensitivity.

Nowadays Wonder Woman is only read by quiet, friendless little girls and perhaps the occasional boy too inept to access the low-hanging fruit that is internet porn.  Given this, it’s not terribly surprising that an animated Wonder Woman is finding no takers.

"Here She Comes. Don't Make It Look Like You're Watching! Seriously! She'll See Us, And I'll Crack Up. God, She's Such A Weirdo. I Don't Think She Thinks Anyone Can See Her In That Stupid 'Invisible Plane.' And Have You Seen Her Feet? What Is Wrong With Those--OH HI WW! We Were Just Talking About You!"

This begs the question: Would the heroine have fared better if she were a man?  Given the rampant sexism in the media, it might be easy enough to imagine that a “Wonder Man” might have succeeded where Wonder Woman failed, and been given his own show.

Covers Like This Keep A Sad Franchise Chugging Along.

Not likely.  Actually, there is a Wonder Man, and he is without question the lamest hero of all time.

"Uhmm-m" Is Right. You Suck, Assweasel.

*Oh, is that not how it happened?  Hey–no one cares, nerd.  ∞T.

Identity Of Guy Who Punched Obama Revealed

29 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

apologies to Josh Saviano, Barack Obama, Basketball, dorks, dweebs, elbow to the mouth, geeks, Josh Saviano, Marilyn Manson, Paul from Wonder Years is Marilyn Manson, Paul Pfeiffer, POTUS, Rey Decerega, stitches, The Wonder Years, United States of America, urban legends, weirdos

By Smaktakula

"Let Me Be Clear: I Know We Haven't Been As Successful As We Would Like In Our Ongoing Efforts To Demonstrate To The American People Just Why This Is So Very Important. It's Time To Stand Up For Future Generations Of Americans And Say, 'We Have Had Enough With The Violence! We Don't Want Our Children To Have To Suffer A Busted Lip In A Pickup Basketball Game Like We Did.' If We Work Together, And Refuse To Make Excuses, I Believe We Can Make This World A Reality. Having Said That, Mr. Decerega Knows That He Committed A Technical, And That I Should Have Been Allowed Two Tries From The Free Throw Line. That I Was Not Is Really, Really Weak."

By now you’ve heard how President Obama took an elbow in the mouth while playing a pickup basketball game, requiring twelve stitches.  Although the White House did not initially reveal the identity of Obama’s assailant, later reports named the unlucky roughhouser as Rey Decerega.

You’re not alone in asking, “Just who the hell is that?”  For those unfamiliar with Mr. Decerega, he will best be remembered for playing “Paul” on The Wonder Years.

This Dork Dreams Of Growing Up To Be Marilyn Manson And Then Someday Punching The President.

Did I Do That?: When Urkels Attack

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

"Did I do that?", anger management, breast implants, Bridget Hardy, broken toilets, Charlie Sheen, domestic violence, dorks, douchebaggery, Family Matters, former child stars, geeks, has-been, infidelity, Jaleel White, Jerkel, nerds, spazzes, spousal abuse, Trivial Pursuit, untalented stars, Urkel, weirdos, Where Are They Now?

By Smaktakula

In a classy move right out of the Sheen Playbook, Trivial Pursuit answer Jaleel ‘Urkel’ White is accused of beating the mother of his child.  Bridget Hardy, white’s ex-girlfriend, alleges that the former child star punched her in one of her breast implants and later shoved her into a toilet hard enough to break it, as well as engaging in other violent and threatening activities.

Jerkel: The Has-Been Became Enraged And Accused Hardy Of Infidelity When It Was Revealed That Her Child Was Good Looking And Not At All Socially Awkward.

Tell Facebook What This Also-Ran Has Been Up To

Nerds Demonstrate Some Value In Non-Technical Applications

26 Monday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

America's Finest City, brilliant dirty weirdos, California, Captain James T. Kirk, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Captain Kathryn Janeway, comic books, Comic Con 2010, dignity, dweebs, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, Face Front True Believer!, fanboys, geeks, God Hates Fags, internet pornography, living in mom's basement, Lord Gomorrah, Mr. Spock, nerds, never-seen girlfriend in the Niagara Falls area, Optimus Prime, religious intolerance, Reverend Fred Phelps, San Diego, Scripps Mercy Hospital, spazzes, Spider-Man, Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Voyager, storm trooper, super heroes, super-villainry, weirdos, Westboro Baptist Church, with great power comes great responsibility

By Smaktakula

It was San Diego’s darkest hour; America’s Finest City found itself in the grip of an unrelenting evil more insidious than any it had heretofore faced.  Across the fair city, harried citizens were paralyzed by a growing sense of doom: a small cadre of thugs, underlings of the odious Lord Gomorrah, had come to the city to share some of their vile asshattery.  Who would champion St. Diego’s city against the scourge of such villainy?

Who?   Who?   Who?

A bunch of overweight dudes in homemade costumes, as it turns out.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility: In This Case, Responsibility Means Two Cans Of Crisco And A Shoehorn.

When a handful of the despicable Reverend Fred Phelps’ minions from the Westboro Baptist Church descended upon the 2010 San Diego Comic Con, they were determined to spread the word of a loving God by letting the assembled geeks know that “GOD HATES FAGS.”   Unsurprisingly, the gathering of masked men bedecked in leather and rainbow-hued spandex remained unamused by the message.

True to San Diego’s motto, Semper Vigilans, the asthmatic assemblage was ready for the cretinous crew.  The pimple-ridden posse responded with fervor equal to the sanctimonious blowhards, proclaiming loudly and proudly that Captain Kirk was worth ten Captain Picards.*

As when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, insanity and inanity clashed with catastrophic results, leaving the shamed and demoralized Westboro Baptists to slink away.  Initially it appeared that the overweight avengers would track the evildoers back to their lair by following the trail of slime.  They turned back when it was noticed that the hour had grown late, and someone remarked that the busses stopped running after 9:00 PM.

"This Wasn't Just A Struggle Against Religious Bigotry," Says Sentry 24601, "This Was A Fight For Our Dignity."

Cultural contributions by nerds are various and well-known, including such everyday staples as smartphones, satellite technology and internet pornography.  However, until recently, these contributions had been strictly limited to technology and technology-related applications.  By taking a stand against Phelps & Co., spazzes have now made a non-technical contribution to American culture, however tiny and insignificant.

"Who's Laughing Now, Becky McGinnis? Huh? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?"

Nerds everywhere are said to be delighted by the turn of events.  Telephone and internet providers across the nation are bracing for a tsunami of activity across the information grid as the victorious nerds send word of their bravery.  Expected to be hit especially hard is the Niagara Falls area, where many of the convention-goers’ girlfriends are said to live.

*Sources at the scene insisted that Promethean Times record that those assembled were not able to reach consensus on this issue.  Although the majority were decidedly among the pro-Kirk faction, several felt that Picard outshone Kirk, adding, “Picard did it alone.  Kirk would be nothing without Mr. Spock.  Nothing!”  One participant listed Captain Janeway as his favorite, at which point he was set upon by the others.  As of this writing, he remains in critical condition at Scripps Mercy Hospital.

Mad Russian Genius Content With Solitary Life Of Vodka-Drenched Squalor

29 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Europe, People, Science, World Affairs

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

$1 Million prize, brilliant dirty weirdos, Clay Mathematics Institute, cockroach-infested, crazy bastard, Dr. Grigori Perelman, intractable math problem, living in squalor, mad Russian genius, Mathsputin, people with unibrows, Poincare Conjecture, recluse, Russia, solved math problem, St. Petersburg, turned down prize money, weirdos, world's cleverest man

Not Only Is Grigori Blessed With Movie-Star Looks, But He Also Won Some Math Thing

The solution to the fiercely intractable Poincare Conjecture was thought to be so elusive that the Clay Mathematics Institute offered a prize of $1 million to anyone who could provide a verifiable answer.  Russian mathematician Dr. Grigori Perelman has solved it.          

It turns out that the crazy bastard is refusing the prize money: the excruciating and now-thankless mathematical task was apparently reward enough.           

In a nation known for brilliant dirty weirdos, Dr. Perelman is certainly the most superlative brilliant dirty weirdo to appear on the Russian math scene in some time.            

Said to be the world’s cleverest man, Dr Grigori Perelman, 44, lives as a recluse in a bare cockroach-infested flat in St Petersburg. He said through the closed door: ‘I have all I want.’            

The Doctor certainly has the right attitude, and if Perelman’s life is compared to another person’s–say a prisoner in a South American jail–it doesn’t look half bad.  No doubt the eligible ladies of St. Petersburg are asking themselves, Is there by any chance a Mrs. Dr. Perelman?            

Perelman’s complete lack of avarice is both commendable and refreshing (this is perhaps the only quality which might be called refreshing in a man whose funk is so formidable that its reek escapes the two-dimensional confines of a photographic image).  However, no one would think any worse of the brilliant mathematician if he were to accept $25-$50 of the prize money, with which he could purchase a grooming tool at the St. Petersburg Bed, Bath & Beyond. 

If Perelman can solve the Gordian Knot of mathematics, surely he can do something about that unibrow.            

Is True.  I Am Crazy Bastard.  You Read: World’s cleverest man turns down $1million prize after solving one of mathematics’ greatest puzzles | Mail Online.            

Smaktakula

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