Tags
Africa, boobs, botulism, Brazil, breastuses, bumper sticker mentality, child abandonment, Chuck E. Cheese, death by soccer, drugs, Gollum, headlines, Iwo Jima, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Marines, Mexico, old people, political bumper stickers, prostitution, Rick Santorum, Seattle, Soccer, Vladimir Putin, Washington, Why am I so stupid?
By Smaktakula
Is THAT What He’s Doing? Guess We’ll Stop Waving Back.
In which we get all the information we need from the headlines of the day:
***
Anti-Putin protesters form a 10-mile human chain around Moscow ~ Anti-Putin protesters made into bizarre human chain in dungeons beneath Moscow.
Poor reading could be fatal ~ Oh, come off it. We’re as pro-literacy as the next satirical internet blog, but that’s just ridiculous. With the possible–and hilarious–exception of “Warning Sign Disasters,” this simply isn’t true.
Why Thursday’s sunset will be special for Seattle ~ No more sun ’till 2013.
Marine makes last stand in foreclosed home ~ We have to say it: a marine making a last stand in his foreclosed home smacks of weird craziness. Pity–if he’d only been making a last stand on some Godforsaken piece of earth that nobody could possibly want–then it would be noble.
Iwo Jima, The Translation Of Which Means “Sulfur Island,” Is Currently Uninhabited.
Rick Santorum winning more support from Republican women ~ There’s proof of gender equality for you, folks. Women are every bit as stupid as men.
IS BRAZIL DESTROYING THE AMAZON FOR ENERGY? ~ Well, that would be a good reason, anyway,–better than ‘Just ’cause they felt like it.”
Whatever Happened to First Class? ~ It’s still there–just not for you, peasant.
What You Lose When You Sign That Donor Card ~ YOUR PRECIOUS ORGANS!
Jennifer Love Hewitt loves her boobs ~ In this, we are united in our affection.
What We Like Best About Them Is Their Pleasing Shape And Size.
Prostitutes found in Mexico jail ~ Imagine that. If you wanted to surprise us, you’d have said ‘soap.’
What’s Wrong With Being Single? ~ Only a loveless grotesquery would pose such a question.
Dad: Drug classes should be mandatory ~ We agree. The younger generation simply does not know how to do drugs properly.
Another child left at Chuck E. Cheese’s ~ You say it like it’s a bad thing, like dad abandoned his kid in the deep, dark, wolf-ridden woods. But at Chuck E. Cheese’s, the kid’s got a fighting chance. He can live in the moist darkness beneath the ball-pits like some pizza-house Gollum until he latches on with a new family.
Violence claims 4th soccer fan ~ We’re pretty sure they’re underreporting the death-toll from this heinous ‘sport.’
Wait! It Just Got Interesting.
Peter, Paul & Mary bassist dies ~ If you’re not Peter, Paul or Mary, in death you shall be remembered only for the instrument you played.
Is 14 too young for life in prison? ~ Fuck yes it is. What kind of idiot even has to ask?
The pain of being disinherited ~ You don’t get any money when Mom & Dad die!
How to handle an elderly loved one that won’t bathe ~ It involves the Jaws of Life and a high-pressure hose.
Few Things Are As Taxing As Caring For A Dirty Old Man.
Most food illness imported ~ Sad. Truly sad. We never thought there’d be a day America would have to import botulism.
Guess what almost killed ‘the Tiger Man of Africa’ ~ Was it a lion? A hippo, then! Damn, these things are hard.
Study: 33 is the best age ~ Not if you’re Jesus of Nazareth. No, 32 was a much better year.
Executed killer shouts ‘Go Cowboys!’ ~ And all the witnesses shouted “THE DEAD LIVE!” Or did you mean “Soon-To-Be-Executed?” That’s probably what you meant.
Does car tell your politics? ~ No, the feeble-minded bumper sticker on the back does that.
“No, It’s Great. By Adopting An Inflexible Attitude In Lieu Of Knowing The Issues, I Save Time By Not Having To Think About The Tough Stuff.”
Promethean Times 
“Anti-Putin protesters made into bizarre human chain in dungeons beneath Moscow.”–Is that kind of like the Human Centipede? Good thing there’s a sequel.
Not only do I appreciate the laughs, but as a fellow blogger, I appreciate the time it must have taken to find all of these headlines and then add the links. Shucks. All that work for little old us?
I live to give. It’s why I get up in the morning. I know I said somewhere that ‘stupid people’ are the reason I get up in the morning, and I meant it. But it’s all about giving now.
You see, I’m a man of lightly-held and ever-vacillating enthusiasms.
Thankfully my elderly (they’re 66) parents are still into bathing and remembering to take their scripts (most of the time anyway.) I was a bit concerned that apathy was listed in the 15 difficult behaviors for caregivers of those with dementia. ( http://www.caring.com/slideshows/apathetic-doesnt-want-to-do-anything) I’ve been apathetic for years- does this mean I’m going senile at 43? Probably so. I’ve been rode hard and put away wet – and it shows.
Apathy is our bread & butter. Well, actually, vulgarity is our bread & butter, so maybe apathy is like a napkin or that gay extra fork that only exists so some snotty waiter can make me feel awkward in addition to being ripped off. At any rate, we’re with you on apathy. Or, whatever. You know.
Thank you -I can now delete my Washington Post and NY Times bookmarks knowing that Promethean Times will deliver the news I really care about.
And boobs!
Bless you, Sir! If only the rest of the world were so wise.
very sharp wit. i echo EG…it all comes down to the boobs – in her blouse, and in the tea party. continue…
I too would like to cast a vote in favor of the quality of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs.
I really wish poor WRITING was fatal.
We couldn’t live with that!
Smaktakula,
On behalf of your Bounce Rate, I would like to thank you for adding “Vladimir Putin” and “boobs” in your keywords. Now, it would be interesting to actually see which visitors kept on reading your article, and which ones left crying. My money is on “boobs”.
Le Clown
I agree with Guapo…there is NO reason to go to any other news site. And since boobs seems to be the most commented topic, I also agree with the assessment of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s (who ever she is). Judging from that photo each of her boobs DO seem to display their own unique size and shape! Also, the left one seems to be staring straight-the-fuck forward, while the other seems to be distracted by something terribly interesting going on off to the right.
Thank you Alex, for making me come back and look at the picture to consider the elevation/declination parameters of the breasts in question.
I expect I will be able to accurately graph the angle of incidence for each in just a few hours.
Now back to my studies…
…take your time.
They are each sentient beings– how cool is that?
And, in keeping with the dignity inherent in all living things, I’ve named them–Jugg & Hooter Nypple, the Boobsy Twins.
Why do they call them “Headlines” when for the most part the writers of them aren’t using their heads?