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Tag Archives: Batman

More Things We Believe

24 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Philosophy, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

bad parents, Batman, Ben Affleck, censorship, critical thought, cryptids, El Chupacabra, Fox news, Franz Ferdinand, Mexican goat-sucker, MSNBC, short people, shortness as proof of God's wrath, these things we believe, unremitting virginity

By Tardsie

We Don’t Believe In The Chupacabra, Mexico’s Infamous Goat-Sucking Cryptid, But We Kinda Wish We Did. It’s Hella Cool.

***

If you find yourself in agreement with your political party more than 90% of the time, we believe that your unwillingness to engage in critical thought should preclude you from talking about politics except with similarly myopic partisans. If we need your opinion, we’ll get it from Fox News or MSNBC.

There’s A Real Good Chance That At Least One Of These Guys Will Tell You Exactly What You Want To Hear.

***

We don’t think a dude should marry a gal just because he gets her pregnant. However, we believe that decorum dictates he subsequently refrain from knocking anyone else up or marrying them for a period of not less than twelve months.

‘Cause It Starts To Get Expensive Pretty Quickly.

***

If your stars are aligned so perfectly that your biggest complaint is the casting of Ben Affleck as Batman, then we believe yours is truly a charmed existence.

Are You Sure You’re Angry Because He’s Playing Batman? Or Is It Because Ben Has Known The Joy Of A Woman’s Touch, While You Are Mired In Your Ongoing But Unsuccessful Thirty-Five Year Battle With Virginity? Just Checking.

***

My 5-year-old boys like the song Evil Eye by Franz Ferdinand. The other day we were watching a televised performance of the song when one of my boys asked me why the sound went out briefly. I explained that there was an adult word in the song, “shit,” and that the boys shouldn’t use it. They had listened to the song dozens of times, but hadn’t heard the word until it was bleeped. The purity police didn’t bleep the word “bastard,” so my kids still don’t know THAT’s in there.

We believe that censors too often bring attention to that which they seek to hide.

***

We believe that short people should be treated with kindness. After what God did to them, it’s really the least you can do.

Buck Up, Runty! The World Will Always Need Jockeys.

***

We Believe All Kinds Of Stuff!

These Things We Believe, Part The First

These Things We Believe II: Don’t Stop Believing!

Headlines 06.01.12

01 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

AIDS, Batman, Charles Manson, Chicago Cubs, dope, first world problems, grass, headlines, hemp, Joe Biden, Los Angeles Lakers, marijuana, Octomom, pornography, reefer, San Diego Padres, sweet sweet cheeba, weed

By Smaktakula

Sadly, That Bogart Smaktakula Refused To Pass It.

In which, for the briefest of moments, we look up from the drudgery of our deadline long enough to comment on some news stories we can’t be bothered to read. Enjoy!

Pa. mom charged with killing her toddler twins Adam and Eve ~ We’re not sure just why Adam had to bite it, but that Eve was one bad apple. *** Start with a winner, folks–that’s our motto!

Skier dies after falling 2,000 feet ~ That would more properly make him a sky-diver.

Biden says end to wars gives US new flexibility ~ Totally. We can go start a couple new wars if we want.

Koreans busted for stamina pills made from dead babies ~ They’re called ‘Soyrent Green.’

“My God, It Made From Peeper!”

And Your Next ‘American Idol’ Is … ~ The Ely, Nevada Wendy’s Employee of the Month for February, 2015.

10 Things to Never Put on Your Resume ~ Six of them are things you can do with your penis.

Is ‘old-person smell’ for real? ~ You don’t actually know any old people, do you?

New Evidence in Manson murders? ~ After seeing the new evidence, we’re starting to believe Manson might have been guilty after all.

$10K reward for bear killer ~ Ironically, no reward offered for killer bear.

“Then Ranger Smith Says, ‘Yogi, Please–You Don’t Have To Do This! I Have A Family!’ So I Said, ‘Shut The Fuck Up, Man, Or I’ll Eat Them, Too.'”

Jesus’ crucifixion date found? ~ It’s Memorial Day. And that’s why on July 4th, we celebrate with fireworks.

Baseball: Chicago Cubs snap 12-game losing streak, beat San Diego Padres ~ We don’t want to bring yet even more misery to the Windy City, but a victory against the Padres doesn’t actually count toward snapping a losing streak. Sorry!

Octomom’s First Porn Shoot Had WHAT? ~ Dignity? Class? A pleasing smell? We give up.

Lakers drop Thunder in double overtime ~ How embarrassing. They might have avoided this if only they’d used the little boy’s room before the big game.

The Horror of Being Hacked in Diablo 3 ~ Hmm. You’re sure that qualifies as  a horror? We’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you’re unaware that right now in Swaziland, a little AIDS orphan is starving to death. But you’re right, being hacked does suck.

“It’s Kinda Like That Time My Sister Was Taken By The Rebel Army To Be Used As A…But I’m Sorry, Go On–Your Story Was Better.”

Weaponized kitty to dominate ~ It’s an adorabomination!

Is Philanthropy Print Journalism’s Last Hope? ~ You mean giving newspapers away for free? That’s still a little more than we want to pay.

In general, Shaq not suited for GM job ~ Apparently two of the big criteria were the ability to form a coherent sentence and to make three shots in a row from the line.

Woman on scooter injured in collision with semi in SLO ~Obviously we’re glad the woman survived the accident, but it doesn’t say much for the truck that it wasn’t able to kill a chick on a scooter.

Is Batman Coming Out of the Closet? ~ Do you mean the same Batman who dresses in spandex and prowls the filthy backstreets looking for rough action, accompanied at all times by a thirteen-year-old boy in a domino mask and green, fish-scale Speedos? We’d say he’s been out and proud for a while.

So Do You Understand How Something Can Be Gay And Super-Fucking Gay At The Same Time?

Wonder Twins: Deactivated

11 Friday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

Aquaman, Batman, camel toe, Exxor, Gleek, incest, Jayna, lame heroes, Marvin White, monkey-fucking, Robin, Robin as sex-slave, Super Friends, Superman, Wendy Harris, Wonder Dog, Wonder Twins, Wonder Woman, you got a real, Zan

By Smaktakula

“Form Of: Unnatural Urges!” “Shape Of: Cultural Taboos!”

Although younger readers may not remember the Super Friends TV show, to millions of children growing up in the 1970s and 1980s, this collection of sissy do-gooders was as beloved as any other family member.  With its membership boasting such heroic A-Listers as Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman, as well as useless queer0s like Aquaman and Robin, the Boy Wonder, the Super-Friends enjoyed the advantage of being for a time the only super-hero show on TV.

They Let Aquaman Join–How Super Can They Be?

But the program’s executives wanted more youthful characters to whom the show’s primary audience of children could better relate.  It was pointed out that although Robin is ostensibly a teenager, the results of focus group studies indicated that younger audiences responded positively to adolescent heroes whom Batman was not fucking.

Don’t Judge. It Was A Different Time.

The first results of this experiment were safe, if unexciting.  For a few seasons the adult heroes were joined by non-powered teens Wendy Harris and Marvin White, and the caped canine, Wonder Dog.  Perhaps sensing the potentially catastrophic potential in sending children to battle alongside spandex-clad gods, after just a few seasons the show’s producers went back to the drawing board to create new sidekicks.  By keeping the elements of Wendy and Marvin that worked (a teenaged male-female pair with a comically useless pet) while ditching what didn’t (their humanity), the Super-Friends achieved their greatest character success: the Wonder Twins.

“C’Mon–I’m Just Shaggy With A Green Towel On My Shoulders. You Can’t Tell Me We’re Not The Lamest Super-Heroes Of All Time.”

The Wonder Twins were Zan and Jayna, extraterrestrial visitors from the planet Exxor, who had unusual powers which would work only in conjunction with one another.  However, in a nod to their predecessors, Wendy and Marvin, their powers were exceedingly lame and practically useless.  By touching their rings together, each twin could assume a variety of unique forms.  Zan’s ability was to transform himself into water, steam or ice.  Jayna could change into an animal.  The Wonder Twins, along with their mutant space-monkey Gleek, served to add not only much-needed comedy relief for the otherwise-serious show, but also provided ready-made hostages for the Super-Friends to rescue week after week.

This Was Pretty Much The Extent Of Their Abilities.

But by the time the 1990s rolled around, the Wonder Twins were gone from the television screen, their memories already fading into pop-culture trivia.  The 1988 National Enquirer article which proved the final nail in the coffin of the twins’ career is remembered by some, but it is the revelations contained in that article which continue to bedevil the twins’ reputation to present.  These allegations and the Wonder Twins’ subsequent descent into ignominy reminds us that no matter who or how powerful you are, the viewing public is not yet ready to tolerate either incest or monkey-fucking.

“You May Think It’s Weird & Creepy–But On Exxor, EVERYBODY Does It!”

Wonder Woman: Heart Of Steel

14 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad boys, Batman, battered women, comic books, domestic abuse, love, romance, spousal abuse, Superman, Superman is a dick, unlucky in love, Wonder Woman

By Smaktakula

BP Reduced To Clutching At Silly-Straws

15 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Corporate Culture, Crime, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, National Politics, Places

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Batman, BP, BP Oil Spill, brain trust, British Petroleum, Charlie Sheen, corporate douchebaggery, Deepwater Horizon, environment, first the Spice Girls and now this?, Giant Scissors, Gulf of Mexico, Macondo Blowout, nefarious petroleum giant, oh yeah 11 people died how about that?, oil, ridiculous ideas, ruptured well, Silly-Straws, that trick never works, WWBD?

While BP’s ruptured well in the Gulf of Mexico continues to spew crude like Charlie Sheen on a runaway Tilt-O-Whirl, the nefarious petroleum giant’s brain trust has run bone-dry.      

This BP Researcher Asks: WWBD?

In the early days of the crisis, BP’s Idea Men knew that to realize workable solutions, they would need to ask new questions.  Working at a fever-pitch, sometimes logging 20-hour days, it was less than two months later when BP scientists asked themselves the question which would prove their interrogative Rosetta Stone:     

What if the rupture and resulting spill had occurred not in the Gulf of Mexico, but rather in Gotham Harbor?      

In the simple elegance of the question, an answer quickly asserted itself: Giant Scissors!      

It's Been 56 Days. What The Fuck, Right?

Having Something To Do Keeps BP Executives From Hanging Themselves: FOXNews.com – BP to Use Giant Shears to Cut Leaking Pipe.     

Smaktakula

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