By Smaktakula

It Still Beats A Plane Crash.

Statistically speaking, air-travel is no more dangerous than America’s highways,* and yet a great many people are far more terrified of dying in an airplane crash than in a car accident.  While theories abound as to the nature of this fear, no consensus has developed.

Psychologists are quick to postulate that this fear stems from a feeling of powerlessness.  While the driver of an automobile has a great deal of control over his own fate, a passenger on an airplane has done.  Because the traveler cannot physically control the aircraft, he developes an irrational fear for his safety.  There, say the experts, lies the anxiety in air travel.

Those Desiring A More Contemplative Death Opt For The Big Plunge.

Is that all there is to this widespread phobia?  Or rather, is it possible that the fear surrounding flying might be traceable to the means of death itself?  By examining the typical last words of both terrestrial and air impact victims, a disparity quickly becomes visible.

Typical last words of someone killed in a car crash:

You won’t believe what Melissa did today.  Well, I’d just come back from lu–BANG!

Typical last words of someone killed in an airplane crash:

You won’t believe what Melissa did today.  Well, I’d just come back from lu–BANG!

What the hell was that?  Was that the eng–? BANG!

Oh my God!  Was that the other engine?

No, I’m calm . . . I’m calm.  They. . .they can land these things without the engines, you know.  What was the name of that guy–the one that brought the plane down in the river?  You know who I’m talking about.

Ooof!  Bit of a bumpy ride there.  Okay, okay–feel that?  Yeah, that’s what they call a ‘controlled spiral.’  I saw something about it on Discovery Channel.  We’re . . . we’re gonna be all right.

Shut up, the captain’s making an announcement–he probably wants us to put our heads between our knees.  What’s he saying?  ‘Our Father who art in heaven?’

Is he praying?  He is–the captain’s praying.  You know, I’m not personally offended, but I’m not sure that’s appropriate.  I think I should say something when we land.

No, you’re right–it is an unusual circumstance.  I guess maybe we can give him a pass on this one.

Back to what I was saying about Melissa.  She–I–OH SWEET LORD, I’VE WASTED MY WRETCHED LIFE!

(This is followed by two and half minutes of tearful recriminations and uncomfortable confessions.  Also quite a bit of screaming.)

Now, when airline partisans hit you with the misleading “driving is more dangerous than flying” statistic, you’ll have a clearer idea of what they’re not telling you.  While flying may not be any more risky than driving, it offers a more hideously drawn-out and–above all else–certain death.

A: The Name Of This Popular Breakfast Treat Consisting Of Fried Batter Can Also Describe The Effects Of Impact On The Human Body.

*Conventional wisdom says that air travel is safer than driving.  However, flying and driving turn out to be about equally dangerous when adjusted for actual time spent engaged in those activities. ∞T.