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Tag Archives: air travel

Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

20 Monday Jan 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, Headlines, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

air travel, alcoholism, Alzheimer's, Arkansas, atomic bomb, Australia, ballet, celebrity deaths, conspiracy theories, Dick Cheney, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drunken Irishmen, Erich Priebke, fear of flying, grass, hemp, Hinduism, homosexuality, Iran, Italy, James Bond, JFK, Julia Gillard, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, LBJ, male figure skaters, marijuana, Mexico, muslims, N-Word, Nazis, New York City, North Carolina, one Carolina is enough, Paul Walker, poor vocational choices, pot, reefer, Saltine crackers, sexism, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Social Security, stupid people, Suzanne Somers, SWAT, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, Time, untalented stars, Walmart, weed

By Smaktakula

We Believe It Is Vitally Important To Treat An Issue With The Same Respect You Would Accord To Any Other Issue.

In which we celebrate our awe-inspiring ignorance by commenting on the headlines to articles we can’t be bothered to read.

***

The Reasons Kim and Kanye Picked The Name “ North ” May Surprise You ~ So it isn’t because they’re both brain-dead half-wits? Because, yeah–anything else WOULD be a surprise.

America’s new Irish immigrants ~ Every bit as drunken and shiftless as the last batch.

Vote: Should Marijuana Users Be Arrested? ~ Hmm. You know, a better question might be, “Should you go fuck yourself?” You already know our answer.

Ark. SWAT officers kill man, 107, in standoff ~ Seems like maybe they could have waited around for just a little while and let nature do the messy work for them.

Seahorses stalk their prey by stealth ~ As opposed to the many, many animals which prefer to stalk their prey by making a god-awful racket.

Docs explain why James Bond prefers his martinis ‘shaken, not stirred’ ~ Because James Bond has a very serious drinking problem, and his friends are terrified to talk to him about it.

“Sorry, Chap–I Missed That Last Bit–Something About Drinking, I Think. And Did I Tell You About My License To Kill? Yeah, They Just Let Me Shoot Whomever I Please. It’s Great–I Don’t Even Have To Give A Reason. But Please–Do Go On.”

The Ridiculous Things Lost On NYC Trains ~ We don’t consider a 14-year-old’s virginity to be at all ridiculous.

Why We Cry on Planes ~ Because we–and here I mean me–are fucking terrified. Also uncomfortable. Seriously, can they design passenger class to accommodate the 5’8″-and-over crowd? And loosen up on the pot thing, of course.

Does doing yoga make you a Hindu? ~ We dunno. Does blowing shit up make you a Muslim?

Why A Peanut Butter Test For Alzheimer’s Might Be Too Simple ~ For the same reason that the Saltine Cracker AIDS test was a bust.

5 comments never to say to someone who’s grieving ~ “You poor dear! Look at the mess he left you; no matter how many times you scrub, you just can’t get gray matter out of chintz curtains–Lord knows how I’ve tried.”

Can TIME Predict Your Politics? ~ TIME is just People Magazine with a world leader on the cover. Grow up.

“But What Do The Kardashians Feel Is The Best Solution To Stem The Seemingly Intractable Internecine Bloodshed In South Sudan?”

Paul Walker’s Last Words Revealed ~ “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Would You Date a Much Younger Man? ~ How much younger? ‘Cause at a certain point, it starts to get a little…you know…illegal.

Atomic bomb nearly exploded over North Carolina in 1961, report says ~ Which would have been awful, sure–but we’d still have South Carolina. It’s not like we need ’em both, anyway; in a pinch, we could make do with just one Carolina.

Why I shun the Champs Elysees ~ Because it’s infested with Frenchmen. Duh.

The 4 Dangers Destroying Men ~ 1) Women, 2) Ladies, 3) Chicks, and in the case of gay men, 4) Gal Pals.

Restaurant Report: Chinese buffet facing violations ~ Well, if it met health and safety standards, it just wouldn’t be a Chinese buffet, now would it?

“Taste Just Like Chicken!”

5 simple things a tired mama wants for Christmas ~ Baby, I got everything you need right here in my pants–it’s a gift certificate for the day spa. You’re so special!

LBJ’s reaction to JFK’s death ~ “Hah! We got that son of a bitch!”

What Julia Gillard did for Australia and sexism ~ Although Ms. Gillard has suffered a setback, her greatest legacy may have been to pound the final nail in the coffin of sexism. As she walks off into the sunset, political observers everywhere will no doubt take a moment or two to appreciate her cute little backside.

Cheney Feared Terrorists Could Hack His Heart ~ Are you reading this, Hamid?

Suzanne Somers is having sex — and a lot of it ~ Titillating is to disgusting as 1981 is to 2014.

Figure skating champ Boitano says he’s gay ~ It’s hard to say how this stunning revelation will play out in the hyper-masculine world of men’s figure skating.

It May Not Be This Year, Or Even The Next, But Someday Men’s Figure Skating Will Have To Embrace Tolerance.

Whether you like it or not, the U.S. needs Mexico ~ It’s like the pretty girl who brings her ugly friend to parties.

Iran says all sides agree to N-deal ~ But still, no one can actually bring themselves to say the N-Word.

Erich Priebke, Nazi Who Carried Out Massacre of 335 Italians, Dies at 100 ~ Hopefully this will put it in perspective for you: God doesn’t care about Italians.

Am I Bankrupting Social Security by Taking Benefits I May Not Need? ~ Heavens, no! Cowardly politicians are bankrupting it by refusing to address it in any meaningful way.

Woman’s Husband Told Her She’s Not Pretty Enough ~ Still looking for the last honest man?

You Won’t Believe the Jobs Walmart Is Creating ~ Shitty ones.

Well, How Can You Be Trusted To Help Me When You Can’t Be Trusted To Make Sound Career Choices?

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: Tidbits

08 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

air travel, Amtrak, Bee Gees, dope, grass, hemp, marijuana, Mark David Chapman, masturbation, only losers take the bus, pot, reefer, self-abuse, sweet sweet cheeba, the Beatles, Travels With Tardsie, weed

By Tardsie

Tardsie’s Collected A Few Stories In His Time.

***

The Bad Touch

I have a friend who maintains–and as ridiculous as this claim may sound, if you knew the guy, you’d understand why I believe it–that he’s tried masturbation only once. He says he didn’t like it.

I told him he was doing it wrong.

It’s So Easy To Do–We’re Doing It Right Now!

***

Mark David Chapman–We Need You Now!

When I was a kid I had a copy of the Bee Gees’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, which I mistakenly believed was the Bee Gees’ original work. One day, while listening to the album and making fun of it, my friend’s mom burst into the room and said, “That’s BEATLES music!” She looked at me with an expression of stone-cold horror and said, “One day you’ll be sorry you made fun of the Beatles!” For a while I was weirded-out by that, waiting for the regret-shoe to drop.

I’m still not sorry, Mrs. Martinez, but I hope you’re well.

If Anything, Tardsie Should Get Points For Mocking This Musical Abortion.

***

Only Losers Ride The Bus

When I can, I prefer to travel by train. Air travel is unpleasant enough, thanks to my fear of flying (I don’t fear terrorists; I fear that the massive metal tube in which I am travelling will, like Wile E. Coyote after he has dashed off the side of a cliff, suddenly realize that it has   heretofore been denying a fundamental principle of physics and plummet abruptly earthward, accompanied all the while by the soundtrack of my girlish screams) and the myriad inconveniences attendant with the ‘airline experience.’

Much Like The Storied Honey Badger, Amtrak Doesn’t Give A Shit.

Amtrak personnel–if you’ll pardon a rare excursion into vulgarity–don’t give two shits. With one notable exception, they don’t care what you do as long as you’re not so blatant about it that you force their hand. The one rule I’ve seen Amtrak enforce–with a vengeance–is a prohibition against smoking tobacco. Get caught smoking and they will throw your ass off at the next stop. No foolin.’ As I don’t smoke cigarettes, I can enjoy the refreshingly anachronistic freedom the train offers.

A great example of this is from a recent trip I took. For privacy reasons, I make it a point to ask the attendant not to make up my room, usually with the explanation that I work late into the evening (which is true). However, at one point, I hadn’t realized that a new attendant had come on duty, and while I was at dinner, he made up my room. I was chagrined when I arrived back at my room to find several items I would very much NOT like discovered stacked neatly beside the freshly made bed. Nothing more was ever said, however, and of course the attendant got a nice tip.

I’ve always maintained that train travel is for degenerate stoners and the elderly. I’ll let you know right now, folks–I’m not that old.

God, We Love The Train.

***

Sometimes Tardsie Wants To Punch Himself In The Face

I walked into work one day and saw that one of my coworkers, a girl named Kelly, was dressed to the nines.

“Hey, Kelly,” I said, “You look great! Who died?”

“My grandma,” she said.

***

What Not To Say To A Cop

I lived in Washington State for a while, where having California license plates is considered a capital crime. So one day this cop in Mt. Lake Terrace pulls me over for speeding and starts giving me shit about being from California, “We have speed limits here, son!”

Apparently the little fellow was irritated when I broke eye contact with him to look for my insurance paperwork. He said, “If you don’t want to listen, I can just give you the ticket right now.”

A little pissed myself, I said, “I’m listening, dude, I’m just looking for my paperwork.”

“Hey!” He said, “Don’t call me that. I’m not a dude, all right?”

If I’d had another second to think about it, I would have chosen a different path. Instead, I said, “I’m sorry, ma’am–you looked so masculine.”

He didn’t care for that one bit.

This Guy Was Holding $15 Worth Of Pot. Not In Lewis County, Washington.

Death By Airplane vs. Death By Car

22 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

air travel, airplanes, automobile, cars, death by airplane, death by automobile, fear of crashing, fear of flying, irrational fears, psychology

By Smaktakula

It Still Beats A Plane Crash.

Statistically speaking, air-travel is no more dangerous than America’s highways,* and yet a great many people are far more terrified of dying in an airplane crash than in a car accident.  While theories abound as to the nature of this fear, no consensus has developed.

Psychologists are quick to postulate that this fear stems from a feeling of powerlessness.  While the driver of an automobile has a great deal of control over his own fate, a passenger on an airplane has done.  Because the traveler cannot physically control the aircraft, he developes an irrational fear for his safety.  There, say the experts, lies the anxiety in air travel.

Those Desiring A More Contemplative Death Opt For The Big Plunge.

Is that all there is to this widespread phobia?  Or rather, is it possible that the fear surrounding flying might be traceable to the means of death itself?  By examining the typical last words of both terrestrial and air impact victims, a disparity quickly becomes visible.

Typical last words of someone killed in a car crash:

You won’t believe what Melissa did today.  Well, I’d just come back from lu–BANG!

Typical last words of someone killed in an airplane crash:

You won’t believe what Melissa did today.  Well, I’d just come back from lu–BANG!

What the hell was that?  Was that the eng–? BANG!

Oh my God!  Was that the other engine?

No, I’m calm . . . I’m calm.  They. . .they can land these things without the engines, you know.  What was the name of that guy–the one that brought the plane down in the river?  You know who I’m talking about.

Ooof!  Bit of a bumpy ride there.  Okay, okay–feel that?  Yeah, that’s what they call a ‘controlled spiral.’  I saw something about it on Discovery Channel.  We’re . . . we’re gonna be all right.

Shut up, the captain’s making an announcement–he probably wants us to put our heads between our knees.  What’s he saying?  ‘Our Father who art in heaven?’

Is he praying?  He is–the captain’s praying.  You know, I’m not personally offended, but I’m not sure that’s appropriate.  I think I should say something when we land.

No, you’re right–it is an unusual circumstance.  I guess maybe we can give him a pass on this one.

Back to what I was saying about Melissa.  She–I–OH SWEET LORD, I’VE WASTED MY WRETCHED LIFE!

(This is followed by two and half minutes of tearful recriminations and uncomfortable confessions.  Also quite a bit of screaming.)

Now, when airline partisans hit you with the misleading “driving is more dangerous than flying” statistic, you’ll have a clearer idea of what they’re not telling you.  While flying may not be any more risky than driving, it offers a more hideously drawn-out and–above all else–certain death.

A: The Name Of This Popular Breakfast Treat Consisting Of Fried Batter Can Also Describe The Effects Of Impact On The Human Body.

*Conventional wisdom says that air travel is safer than driving.  However, flying and driving turn out to be about equally dangerous when adjusted for actual time spent engaged in those activities. ∞T.

Actor’s Childish Antics Bring Him To Our Awareness

10 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

air travel, assholes, Black Eyed Peas, Blackberry, boorish behavior, Charlie Estevez, Douche Juhamel, douchebaggery, Duchess of York, Fergie, Josh Duhamel, Kentucky, obscure celebrities, pop culture, Royals, rude people, Sarah Ferguson, skanks, Stacy Ferguson, Star Trek II, untalented stars, Weight Watchers, well-endowed men

By Smaktakula

Smart Move In Locking That One Down, Josh.

Through no fault of our own, an insipid bit of pop culture minutiae has bored its way into our brain like those nasty little brain-eating creatures in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.  Recently, Promethean Times became aware of the existence of actor Josh Duhamel after the actor made the news for his boorish behavior. The hitherto-unknown-to-us actor is alleged to have delayed  a La Guardia flight bound for Kentucky when he had to be removed after churlishly refusing an attendant’s several requests to shut down his Blackberry prior to takeoff.

Pop Culture Enters Your Brain In Much The Same Way.

We inadvertently stumbled across this story while looking for actual news, and since the headline didn’t indicate who the actor was, we were duped into thinking it might have been someone of note.  We could not have foreseen that not only would our assessment be incorrect, but that we would be subjected to the forced absorption of useless and meritless trivia.  We were no worse off for our previous ignorance of Duhamel, and are certainly no richer now for the knowledge.

Yeah, That's Kinda How We Feel, Too. We Were Fine Not Knowing You Existed.

We learned that Duhamel–whom we have trouble not thinking of as ‘Douche Juhamel,’–is married to Fergie, by whom we mean Stacy Ferguson, lead skank of Hip-Hop juggernauts The Black Eyed Peas, and not Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson, ex-British Royal turned Weight Watchers spokesperson turned embarrassing would-be access peddler.  Moreover, we were treated to the information that the soulful slattern likes her men well-hung, and that Duhamel is deserving of inclusion among that select group.

Fergie Is REALLY Into Meat-Missiles. And There's Nothing Wrong With That.

There is such a thing as too much knowledge, especially if that knowledge is inconsequential.  Most upsetting is the idea that in becoming aware of Duhamel, we may have forgotten something which really mattered.

There is a certain fear which keeps us awake in the cold dark hours before dawn.  We dread that someday, when we are one correct Jeopardy! answer away from the championship, and Alex Trebek says, “This volatile television star was born Charles Estevez, but once had a movie career, starring in such films as Wall Street and Hot Shots,” we’ll answer, “Who is Josh Duhamel?”

Don't Judge. It's Just That A Man Grows Weary Of Fergie After A While.

It is our hope, then, that some of you reading this may also have been hitherto unaware of Douche Juhamel’s existence.  We are pleased to share with you in this small, intimate way our pain.

A Foul, Yet Affordable Rolling Bedlam

11 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Holiday, People, Places, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

air travel, airplane, Americans, Amtrak, bloated dying beast, bus crashes, bus travel, buses, California, chatty gay men, China, commuters, death by bus, decapitation, deranged seatmate, East Coast, embankments, English teachers, Fresno, Greyhound, Greyhound v. Embankment, Jordan Knight, K-Fed, Kevin Federline, Namibia, New Kids Forever! Still Hangin' Tough Baby!, NKOTB, only losers take the bus, Orient Express, PopoZau!, prison-on-wheels, rail travel, rolling bedlam, trains, two great tastes that taste great together, unfortunate ways to die, Utah, Victor Conte

By Smaktakula

The airplane has emerged as the prefered means of conveyance for most Americans.  Commuters routinely jet between neighboring cities which once they would have reached by rail or road.  Trains are still used by East Coast commuters, retired English teachers and quirky, garrulous middle-aged gay men; they have long since ceased to be a viable travel option for the rest of America.  The airlines are fast, but expensive.  Amtrak, a bloated, dying beast supported by the American taxpayer, is interminably slow as well as being expensive.  For those wretched souls for whom neither conveyance is an option, only the bus remains.

"Your Chocolate Got In My Peanut Butter!" Buses And Embankments Are Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together.

Americans seem to understand instinctively that bus travel is travel of the last resort.  A July 23rd tragedy in Fresno, California validated those fears when a Greyhound bus collided with an overturned SUV, then clipped another vehicle before all three plummeted over a 15-foot embankment, killing six people.  More recently, three people were killed in a Utah bus crash.  Add to those figures the six Namibians and thirteen Chinese killed in bus accidents in the last few days.  Amid the carnage, a grisly message begins to coalesce: travel by bus, die horribly.

It has been said that there is no good way to die.  However, some deaths are so uncomfortable and degrading as to measure to a standard all their own.  By any reckoning, death by bus is among the worst.

Urban commuters familiar with the city bus often fail to appreciate the dismal squalor of its far-traveling cousin.  They correctly point out that like long-distance buses, city buses are also filthy, slow and buzz with incipient craziness.  But when compared to the Yemeni prison-on-wheels that is the Greyhound bus, the Muni transforms into a first-class berth on the Orient Express.  City dwellers may find it unsettling that the ratty, sour-smelling man in the stained overcoat is peeing into the center aisle, but should take some comfort that they face little danger of being decapitated by a deranged seatmate.

Buses Are Often Crowded, And Finding A Seat To Yourself Can Be Difficult. Looking And Smelling Like This Gentleman Will Give You A Leg Up On Your Competition.

It is difficult to imagine a more disagreeable group of people with whom to be squashed into a collective jelly than these mouth-breathers:  The slicked-back shifty dude with a cobweb tattooed in the corner of his eye socket; the skeevy sailor on leave and on the make, and the fifteen-year old runaway who, in other circumstances might give it up for him; incomprehensible migrants and their improperly-stowed livestock; the recently paroled ex-convict with his bottomless retinue of off-key Al Green numbers; and the smelly, twitchy guy for whom Jesus is always very near.  A further horror is the revelation that one of these bipedal humanoids is the bus driver.

There is a final indignity that in many ways surpasses the thousand tiny cuts suffered by these doomed commuters.  It is disheartening enough to accept that people are born and must live out their aching lives in the reeking cow-town that gave the world Victor “Balco” Conte, NKOTB’s Jordan Knight and hip-hop impressario, K-Fed; that people must also end their days there may be too much for the soul to bear.  No one should have to die in Fresno.

Fresno: Hot, Dirty And Full Of Suck.

They Get Facebook In Fresno. Tell ‘Em About It

From Times Online: Muslim Woman Refuses Body Scan

05 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Europe, Islam, Political Correctness, Religion, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

air travel, body scan, Islam, Islamic faith, Manchester Airport, muslims, religious freedom, security, UK, United Kingdom

An unnamed Muslim woman at Manchester Airport in the UK is thought to be the first person to refuse a mandatory body scan.  Rather than submit to the scan, the woman forfeited her plane ticket.

Promethean Times wholeheartedly supports this woman’s brave display of religious conviction, and is pleased that the issue was resolved to the satisfaction of all parties.  The woman didn’t have to abrogate the tenets of her faith, nor Manchester Airport its security.  It’s apparent that the unnamed passenger understands that airline travel is a privilege, and not a right. 

Read About The Slow Boat To Mecca: Muslim woman refuses body scan at airport – Times Online.

Smaktakula

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