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Daily Archives: December 31, 2010

Promethean Times’ 2010 Person Of The Year: Us

31 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

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'Lil Kim, 2010, 2011, Abner Doubleday should sue the hell out of the guy who 'invented' cricket, Africa, American soldiers, Axis of Evil, Barack Obama, bellicose shenanigans, Bernie Madoff, BP, Bradley Manning, Bush the intellectuable, Chief Executive, comical despots, Conan O'Brien, congress, conventional wisdom, copyright infringement, corporate douchebaggery, cricket, Democratic Party, effete Mac users, Elizabeth Edwards, Face & Boobs man, feel-good policies, figurative fellatio, Franklin Pierce, Fugeeman, games foreigners play, genocide, George W. Bush, GOP, Haiti, Haitian Crisis, Haitian Earthquake, Hitler of Major League Baseball, How very original!, hucksterism, impoverished third-world hellhole, Iran, Jay Leno, John Edwards, Julian Assange, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, leeches, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Martha Stewart Living, Michael Lohan, MiLo, Miss You Mom, modern classics, Mood the Dude, mullets, Nanci Pelosi, nanny state, North Korea, Osama bin Laden, Osama's crazed legions, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is batshit crazy, People Magazine, personal magnetism, Pierce was known more for drink than for effective leadership, poor Elizabeth Edwards--she was so brave and she suffered so much, popular culture, President Bush, President Obama, Promethean Times, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, religious right, Republican Party, retcons, rumor has it that the vote for Person of the Year was fixed, San Francisco Giants, San Mateo, Sarah Palin, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, special-needs children, Spiro Agnew, Sports Illustrated, step your game up, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, terrifying Campfire Girl, Texas Rangers, the canonization of St. Elizabeth, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the Devil, the impotence of the UN, the increasing irrelevance of TIME, the UN's maddening inaction in the face of genocide, theogeologist, Tim Lincecum, Time, TIME allows pedestrian intellects to believe they are otherwise, TIME's Person of the Year, Tony Hayward, tradition, Transformers I and II, treachery, UN, United Nations, United States of America, WikiLeaks, Wyclef Jean, yes theogeologist is another coinage but like grammaverick you've gotta admit it kicks ass

By Promethean Times

Conventional wisdom warns that TIME‘s annual Person of the Year award is so iconic as to render superfluous any imitations.  However, as it has so many times before, Promethean Times eschews the expected by boldly forging a new path, in this instance by appropriating TIME‘s 80-year-old tradition.

Did You Know? TIME Was Once Known For Journalism, And Was Considered More Newsworthy Than Its Current Contemporaries, People Magazine And Martha Stewart Living.

The decision to bestow Promethean Times with this highly coveted accolade did not come easily.  A great many individuals and events helped to make 2010 one of the most dynamic years on record.

There was Julian Assange of WikiLeaks, and traitorous American soldier Bradley Manning, who assisted in the appropriation of several documents.  There was BP’s disgraced Tony Hayward, whose reputation in tatters, has only his fabulous wealth to console him, and Bernie Madoff, although convicted in 2009, still managed to keep his name in circulation.

US President Barack Obama rammed through feel-good policies to be billed to posterity and the people loved him for it.  The press, however, seemed to recover from their embarrassing love affair with the Chief Executive, quixotically alternating hot and cold by one day proclaiming the President a lame duck, and the next heralding him as the greatest president since Franklin Pierce.

One Of These Kids Is More Popular Than The Other.

Much as a leech would, Congress eagerly clung to the President’s agenda, but lacking the President’s (or any, largely) personal magnetism, found itself the victim of what the press liked to call “an anti-incumbent agenda.”  Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi realized too late that a sunny smile does little good when it’s the handiwork of San Mateo’s finest Face & Boobs man.

Then there was the Tea Party to consider.  The completely leaderless grassroots organization, headed by terrifying Campfire Girl Sarah Palin and funded by deep-pocketed partisans, managed to drive the few remaining moderate Republicans from the GOP.  This end was aided by the Republicans’ skill at figuratively fellating the Religious Right, although the Democrats made a game and creditable attempt at it.

Pretty-like-the-prom-queen huckster John Edwards imploded earlier this year, terrifyingly reminding people ignorant of Spiro Agnew that America came “this close” to electing a scumbag as vice-president.  Edwards’ estranged wife Elizabeth, long regarded as a dismissive, cold-hearted bitch, received secular canonization upon her recent death, and has been retconned into a nurturing, saintly person.  She got cheated on and she died?  Tsk.  You will be missed, Elizabeth.

Finally! Someone Faced A Debilitating Illness With Courage And Dignity. Don't You Wish Elizabeth Had Been Your Mom?

Former President George Bush was also considered for Person of the Year due to his lasting influence on the country, and on the Democratic Party in particular.  Until the weeks preceding the November elections, Democrats were so enamored of the former Republican Chief Executive that the words ‘George W. Bush’ comprised 25-35% of the typical Democratic fundraising speech.

Fugeeman responded to the Haitian earthquake with the aplomb and statesmanship one would expect from a Caribbean head of state; he announced a presidential bid which then unceremoniously petered out.  We also gave some thought to the Devil, who many experts, including noted theogeologist Pat Robertson, believe to be the ultimate author of the devastating Haitian Quake.  The UN deserved some consideration as well, despite that the global organization’s response to the Haitian Crisis was characteristically bungled and that it continues to counter both African genocide and rogue nuclear states with the twin forces of hand-wringing coupled with laughably empty threats.

The Machinations Of This Evil Genius Bedevil Us Still.

We considered several despots, including the scrappy madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, who holds in equal contempt mullets and the Jews, and the comically diminutive Kim Jong-il, North Korea’s dying tyrant, who continues to terrify an impotent international community with his bellicose shenanigans, and who elevated his special-needs son to the #2 spot in the impoverished third-world hellhole.  And although he had a comparatively mellow 2010, ‘Lil Kim and Mood the Dude’s Axis of Evil amigo, Osama bin Laden, quietly exerted his pernicious influence on his legions of crazed followers.

Pop culture had its share of earth-shakers.  It was hard to overlook Josh Duhamel, whose masterful performance in the universally-beloved modern classic Transformers I and II shattered expectations about what movie-goers could expect from an infantile two-hour commercial.  At the same time an inane late-night war between TV icons Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien diverted the attentions of a grateful nation in the same way as does a bright piece of string or a shiny object.  And somewhere, Steve Jobs did something that made effete Mac users cream their shorts.

Is This The World You Want For Your Children?

In sporting news, the San Francisco Giants, called the ‘Hitler of Major League Baseball’ by at least one satiric internet source, won the World Series over the nearly-as-odious Texas Rangers.  Also, there was some scandal in cricket–it’s a game copied from baseball, apparently–that stoked the ire of millions across the globe, but was otherwise unimportant.

Taking all these people and events into account, we worked tirelessly to determine the single most transformational factor in 2010.  In the end, we were unanimous on our selection of Promethean Times as Promethean Times‘ Person of the Year, citing Promethean Times‘ ongoing benefit to the global community as well as its consistent awesomeness.  Promethean Times is “extremely surprised, but pleased” by the announcement.

And for Promethean Times‘ Douchebag of the Year: Michael “MiLo” Lohan. What the hell, right?

His Infernal Majesty Assures Us That In 2011, He'll Step His Game Up.

Happy 2011, everybody!

Duhamel Groupie To PT: ‘Step Your Game Up.’

31 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

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'real life' pretty, 'TV' pretty, antecedents, Bowling In The Dark, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel, Daria, Douche Juhamel, GOSH!, grammar, grammaverick, housebound nebbishes, If you're gonna come at Smaktakula you best bring your 'A' grammar--beyotch!, Josh Duhamel, Kathy Bates, Misery, Napoleon Dynamite, obscure celebrities, oh yeah we go ad hominem with a quickness!, pronouns, restraining order, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Some Guy, step your game up, Suzie the angry Josh Duhamel fan, the crazy bastards at Thinksquad, Thinksquad, Walt Stoelting, Yes 'grammaverick' is a new coinage but you can't tell us it isn't an awesome word. Well you can't!, Zoe Saldana

By Promethean Times

'Suzie' Is Appalled Not Only By Smaktakula's Ignorance Of His Favorite Actor, But Also Of A Movie So Replete With Unbridled Awesome That Its Title Defies The Confines Of Accepted English Syntax.

We’ve said it before: we love hearing from our fans. We are tremendously moved to know that what we do here has such a profound effect upon our readers.  Occasionally we like to throw the little people a bone by hauling out time-honored platitudes such as how we learn as much or more from the trembling supplicants aching to touch the hem of our robes as they do from us.

Truly Douche Juhamel's #1 Fan, Suzie Loves Him In A Way No Other Man Can. Someday The Actor Will Notice.

Recently we heard from a devoted PT reader, Suzie (not his real name)*, whose comment was such a great mixture of insight and constructive
criticism that we felt compelled to share it with you. Suzie was particularly disappointed by our prior  ignorance of the legendary performer, Josh Duhamel, and wasn’t afraid to tell us about it!

From his writing space in the fetid laundry room of the aging double-wide he shares with his grandmother, Suzie wrote:

Really, you don’t know who he {Duhamel} is?  The guy was in Transformers 1 and 2.

One of the biggest movies of all time.

You don’t know who he is…

Really??

Thank God Zoe Saldana didn’t get in the news for an outburst either. Then I’d have to read about how you didn’t know who she was either. Another swing and a miss for this website. Step your game up.

We’ve asked Smaktakula to respond. ∞T.

"You Don't Know Who Josh Duhamel Is? Huh. He Starred In A Little Movie You MIGHT Have Heard Of: Transformers I And II. It Was Only The Biggest Movie Ever. GOSH!"

The words ‘Step your game up,’ can say a great deal about the person who gives them voice: first and foremost that he is a bold linguistic innovator, eschewing the longstanding practice of English-speaking people to avoid ending their sentences with prepositions. But then, Suzie proved himself a grammaverick with his curious use of the singular pronoun “one” for the antecedents “Transformers 1 and 2.”

Although initially taken aback by his passion about a subject which would be inconsequential to all but the most ardent housebound nebbishes, we accept as valid Suzie’s condemnation, both for our being previously unaware of Douche Juhamel’s tremendous body of work, and also for failing to keep abreast of blockbuster movies based on children’s playthings of yesteryear.

Moreover, we initially thought that Suzie’s criticism of Promethean Times might be of a more spurious character, perhaps excoriating this publication for its tendency to say ridiculously awful things about perfectly decent and apparently-undeserving public figures as recently as the first sentence of the preceding paragraph, all while hiding behind the anonymity of an alias.  Of course, such an argument would constitute nothing more than a clutch of lies.

Zoe Saldana

We Don't Understand Why Zoe Gets You So Hot And Bothered, Suzie. Sure, She's 'Real Life' Pretty, But Not 'TV' Pretty.

Instead, he has chosen to take the high road, bringing light to the ignorant in the form of ephemeral pop-culture inanity: a true fan, Suzie’s only concern is our Netflix queue.  To this, we can offer only a mea culpa. Everybody makes mistakes, Suzie. Look at M. Night Shyamalan–the man makes a ton of movies; every great now and again one of them is bound to be a clunker.

Lastly–and given what’s transpired between Suzie and Promethean Times, this is difficult to admit–until his comment, we hadn’t heard of the moderately-attractive but largely forgettable Zoe Saldana.  Obviously, we’re more than a little chagrined to be called on the carpet for our pop-culture ignorance not once but twice. The only excuse we can offer is that we don’t get to visit doctors’ offices nearly as much as we’d like, and so hardly ever get to read People Magazine.

A Restraining Order Is Nothing But A Piece Of Paper, Josh, But What We Share Is Real! When Will You See That?

Thanks, Suzie!  2011 is sure to be the year in which we step up our game!

*Although we have withheld “Suzie’s” name, we should note that he was man enough to include a real name and email address. This is a refreshing change from cowardly bloggers who talk a good game from behind the aegis of a ridiculously-conceived alias, such as ‘Thinksquad,’ ‘Some Guy‘ or ‘Walt Stoelting.’

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