actresses with admirable bosoms, animated shows, bull dykes, cheesecake, dumb characters, fanboys, invisible jet, jiggling superheroines, Lynda Carter, magic lasso, magnificent rack, Marlboro, ridiculous plot contrivances, second-rate superheroes, sexism, Spider-Man, superheroes, Superman, television, TV networks, weirdos, William Moulton Marston, Wonder Man, Wonder Woman
Dateless fanboys and Marlboro-sucking bull dykes would seem to make an unlikely pairing. And yet, these two disparate groups find themselves united in their despair over the television networks’ collective ambivalence to Wonder Woman’s return to the small screen. Despite the current spate of popular animated shows featuring superheroes, Wonder Woman just isn’t pushing anyone’s buttons.
Wonder Woman may be something of a mystery to readers familiar with “real” superheros such as Superman or Spider-Man. Created in the 1970s as a showcase for Lynda Carter‘s magnificent rack,* Wonder Woman was a feminine counterpoint to the physical perfection and strength of Superman. In those dim, hardscrabble days before the ubiquity and staggering variety of internet pornography, horny men would tune in week after week, enduring a succession of moronic plots and ridiculous contrivances such as an invisible jet in which the pilot would always remain clearly visible, in the hopes that just maybe Wonder Woman would jiggle a little as she tied the bad guys up.
Nowadays Wonder Woman is only read by quiet, friendless little girls and perhaps the occasional boy too inept to access the low-hanging fruit that is internet porn. Given this, it’s not terribly surprising that an animated Wonder Woman is finding no takers.
This begs the question: Would the heroine have fared better if she were a man? Given the rampant sexism in the media, it might be easy enough to imagine that a “Wonder Man” might have succeeded where Wonder Woman failed, and been given his own show.
Not likely. Actually, there is a Wonder Man, and he is without question the lamest hero of all time.
death by automobile, death by truck, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, fables, flash fiction, Goofus & Gallant, Highlights for Children, irony, Johnny, Promethean Short Short Stories, things which are ferrous, Will
Will started to ask, but Johnny dashed laughing and joyblind across an intersection snarled by onrushing vehicles, heralded by an irascible ensemble of crying brakes and strident horns.
Will waited as always for the signal’s sanction, only then crossing carefully to Johnny, eyes continually flicking left then right, repeating interminably.
The brothers walked, reaching another intersection.
Will shouted as Johnny rushed again into the roiling street, asking
On the far side Johnny considered, with Will awaiting the light before beginning fastidiously to pick his way across. Johnny started speaking when an onrushing truck flattened Will like a dime.