Hollywood was cruel to young actors Gary Coleman and Corey Haim, using and discarding them like snotty tissue. That both men died long before their time is a testament to this contemptuous neglect. But where many marginally talented performers, such as Chris Farley, River Phoenix or Selena were elevated in stature upon their deaths, no such honor has been accorded Coleman and Haim. Hollywood managed a posthumous ‘Fuck You!’ to the pair in last night’s Academy Awards telecast when neither was mentioned in the Oscars’ tedious tribute montage.
Is There A Red-Blooded Male Out There Who HASN'T Asked Himself At Least Once, "What Would That Thing Look Like Naked?"
Overpaid hussy Amber Portwood is said to be ‘devastated’ by the recent release of several compromising pictures, which have rapidly gone viral. The untalented reality star claims that the nude photos, which she labels “non-sexual,” were stolen from her phone by a trusted friend.
In this instance, feelings of pity for Ms. Portwood can be forgiven. It is no doubt painful that she has not been compensated for these tasteful portraits, and that potentially millions of curiosity-seekers will “enjoy” her lackluster physique for no more than the cost of an internet connection, or in some cases, a library card.
Moreover, Portwood’s claim that the pictures are non-sexual is strengthened by the photographic evidence. After viewing the images, it’s difficult to imagine that even the most maladjusted window-peeper could be aroused by these photos.
By The Time Amber Mounts Her 'Comeback' As A Porno Oddity, That Tattoo Will Look Even More Like Rosanne Barr Than It Already Does.
Given that a boob job is pretty much an eventuality for Portwood, we’re curious as to why she didn’t wait to take these pictures until she’d undergone the procedure, and in doing so avoid looking like a nine-year-old boy. ∞T.
In the weeks before the Burning Man Revolution put all other African news on the back-burner, simmering troubles came to a boil in West Africa’s Ivory Coast, where a disputed election threatened to tear apart the nation’s fragile peace. The trouble began when the country’s incumbent president, Laurent Gbagbo, refused to cede power to his rival, Alassane Ouattara, the internationally recognized winner of the election.
The Ivorian Flag: We're Guessing Not A Lot Of Thought Went Into The Design.
These tumultuous events transpired several weeks ago. It’s probably safe to imagine that the situation in Ivory Coast has been resolved, either by internal agreement or through the use of UN Peacekeepers. If Gbagbo were still claiming power and the country sliding once again into civil war, not only would global news organizations keep us informed, but celebrities–our national conscience–would be striving mightily to keep Ivory Coast’s troubles on the forefront of the public’s mind.
After all, that’s how we saved Darfur.
These UN Peacekeepers Prevented The Election Crisis In Ivory Coast From Getting Out Of Hand.
Just as popular music’s reputation has been besmirched by unwholesome potty-mouths like Ke$ha, Lil Wayne and hairless hit factory Justin Bieber, words also can be unfairly tainted by an apparent, but nonexistent connection between them. Words which sound similar can be easily confused, particularly if one of them is among the most emotionally laden in the English language. Some words, even those with wholly innocent meanings and uttered by well-intentioned speakers, invite scorn and opprobrium with the thunderous quickness of a loud fart in a quiet church.
"Well, I Guess I'll Go Clean Out My Desk Now."
Such a word is Niggardly. Although the origins of the word are wholly innocent, descended from Old English and Scandinavian roots and meaning stingy or miserly, niggardly should never be spoken. Not ever. Never, never, never. You know why.
Few other words can suck the life from a room with the rapidity of this adjective. Rather than employ this conversation-killer, we recommend using one of the aforementioned synonyms or choosing from among the plethora available, including but not limited to “parsimonious,” “cheap” or “tight.” If no other word will suffice, then for the sake of common decency as well as your own safety, please say “N-Wordly.”
"I'm Fully Aware Of The Wordth' Meaning, And Moreover That Your Motiveth Were Not To Give Offenth. It Ith For Entirely Different Reathonth That I Will Be Feeding You Your Own Thpleen."
It’s still acceptable to say ‘There’s a chink in my armor,’ but only if your chain mail tunic has been swiped by the dastardly Sir Lee and his nefarious Knights of the Tong. ∞T.
Outlying Areas Such As Grosse Pointe Or Farmington Hills (Seen Here) Are Among The Last Remaining Enclaves For Detroit's Affluent.
Imagine a wasted and broken city, a great grey expanse of steel and concrete canyons, silent save for the echoing lamentation of pigeons and the constant scurrying rustle of the vermin who remain always just out of sight, and who are the true inheritors of this necropolis. Picture streets festooned with rubbish and unnamable filth, faded newspapers dancing in the breeze as they skitter along crumbling sidewalks past abandoned industries whose soaped or broken windows stare out like blind eyes, but which once could see, and beheld a city on the come, a bright, raucous, thrumming and most of all–vital–metropolis, one which proved no more substantial than the mirage of Cibola.
Chances are, the image in your head is a fairly accurate depiction of Detroit, Michigan in 2011. Detroit, which once could truly be called Automobile City and boast of the world-famous Motown Sound, is now known primarily as the city which has made the most Olympic bids without ever being allowed to host the Games. The blighted, abandoned ruin has fallen so far as to make rust-belt crapholes like Gary, Indiana or Youngstown, Ohio seem prosperous by comparison.
Nothing Else Has Worked. What The Fuck, Right?
But a group of philanthropists believes it has a cure for the city’s myriad woes: RoboCop, the titular character in the 1987 film. Although the technology to unleash a cyborg death machine upon the streets of the Motor City is still at least five years away, it’s hoped that a likeness of RoboCop might be similarly efficacious in revitalizing beleaguered Detroit. A downtown statue of the fictional icon, fans argue, would be a steal at $50,000.
Things are looking good for fans of the project. Just three days after beginning their funding drive, the statue’s backers say they’ve received the $50,000 necessary for the project. Supporters hope that the statue of the gun-wielding mockery of human life will act as a magic totem of sorts, driving away Detroit’s bad Ju Ju in much the same way as RoboCop did the career of Peter Weller, the actor who portrayed the fascist automaton.
"I Could Not Agree More With This Choice. Sometimes Extralegal Measures Are Needed To Keep Society Safe From The Bad Sort. You Know Who I'm Talking About."
Hip-Hop star of yesteryear MC Hammer is back with a vengeance–literally. The former Oakland A’s bat boy, who now prefers to be called ‘King Hammer,’ has a beef with rap megastar Jay-Z. Recently, appearing on Kanye West’s “So Appalled,” Jay-Z rapped:
“And Hammer went broke so you know I’m more focused
I lost 30 mil so I spent another 30
‘Cause unlike Hammer 30 million can’t hurt me.”
For his part, Jay-Z claimed he didn’t know that Hammer’s public riches-to-rags story was not part of the public dialogue, and seemed honestly surprised and perhaps a little amused by the kerfuffle. Hip-Hop purists note, even if the diss was unintentional as Jay-Z claims, it still bespeaks a schism between modern Hip-Hop artists and their one-hit wonder forebears.
"What's That?" It's Difficult For Jay-Z To Hear Hammer Over The Sound Of His Millions And Millions Of Dollars.
Unmollified, King Hammer responded with the blistering diss-track, “Better Run Run.” Drawing upon his faith as an ordained minister, Hammer dons a knit cap and Ed Hardy douche-apparel to narrate as a hoodie-wearing Lucifer chases down Jay-Z. Ultimately, only God’s love–manifested through His servant on Earth, the Right Reverend Hammer–can save the multi-platinum rapper from the infernal clutches of Old Scratch. Hammer does just that, then baptizes Jay-Z, whom he calls “Hellboy,” for good measure.
Better Run Run
Jay-Z has chosen not to escalate the feud, pointing out that he has many kind things to say about King Hammer in his upcoming book. This is no small act of kindness. Despite his royal bravado, Hammer is a broken man, with nothing at all left to call his own except for those ridiculous puffy pants.
"Sorry, King, The Check Bounced--I'll Be Needing Those Back, Too."
Look--At Least Now You Know Now Why Your Pizza Tastes Like Monkey Ass On Cardboard.
Television commercials are subject to the same limitations as all human endeavors: they don’t always turn out the way they’re supposed to. Advertising can be particularly vulnerable to this in that failure might not only mean that a spot was unable to steer buyers toward a product, but that it actually turned existing buyers away.
These Horrifying Simulacra Did Not Encourage Customers To Buy Duracell Batteries. Rather, They Caused Terror-Induced Incontinence.
At the same time, innovations such as digital recording which make it easier to skip through commercials have given advertisers greater anxiety that their message not be heard. Increasingly these advertisers are forced to concoct new and outlandish advertising campaigns to seize–however briefly–the viewer’s consciousness before his moth-like attention span gives way.
This Advertising Campaign Was Funny . . . (Wait For It) . . . About A Million Years Ago.
Sometimes, as in the case of GEICO’s ‘Cavemen‘ or the ‘Old Spice Man‘ commercials, a radical vision can portray an existing product in a fresh light. More often, however, these attempts are forgettable misfires, quickly relegated to the dustbin of commercial history.
"But You Know What Would Really Help Us Sell Our Sandwiches?--A Horrifying Creature That Looks Like What You'd See If You Swallowed An Eye-Dropper Full Of LSD While Battling A 104° Fever."
But there exists an odious few campaigns, spectacular misfires which have been elevated to the pantheon of all-time rancid commercials, which cling in the mind like dog shit on the bottom of a shoe. One such commercial campaign was Domino’s late, but certainly unlamented, ‘Bad Andy.’ Around the Turn of the Century, Bad Andy stunk up the airwaves like nothing else.
We Don't Recall Anyone Asking For 'Gay Andy.'
“Bad Andy, Good Pizza.” Conceived upon a foundation of fallacies, the campaign was doomed to fail. The first of these was the mistaken belief that, despite the cautionary example of Pets.com, sock puppets would appeal to anyone but the poorest of children. The second miscalculation was even more severe: a failure to recognize that a feces-flinging primate run amok inside a pizza parlor is not only unappealing, but shockingly unhygienic.
Don't Be Alarmed--She's An Actress And Wasn't At All Hurt During The Filming Of This Classic Scene. Of Course, She's Dead Now.
Thanks to the magic of the marketplace, consumers quickly convinced Domino’s that the savory aroma of fresh pizza and the nasty funk of the zoo’s monkey house were two tastes which didn’t belong together. Bad Andy was unceremoniously yanked from television, and with the exception of a brief stint as Deputy Director of FEMA in August of 2005, the irritating puppet has maintained a low profile ever since.
A surfeit of schmaltzy Hallmark Card sentimentality cannot alter a fundamental truth. Observe:
Is There A Way You Can Say This That WON'T Make Us Want To Go All Thermonuclear On LEGOLAND?
As much as we’d like to, we can’t argue with this. If anything, the image’s creators are understating the complete havoc which armed conflict can wreak upon organic matter.
"Hola, Amigos. I've Got An Offer You Won't Be Able To Refuse. Which Is Good, 'Cause I Don't Ask Twice."
Democrat James K. Polk, 11th President of the United States, is among the least-known of US Chief Executives, despite one of the most consequential presidencies in the nation’s history. Unlike most politicians then and now, Polk kept his promises to the nation.
James Knox Polk may be long-forgotten, but his image is mirrored in the smiling face of Mickey Mouse, his austere sensibilities captured in the sterile, earth-toned conformity of Irvine row-houses, his voice remembered whenever Los Angeles is pronounced LAHS ANJELUS. James Polk may have been relegated to historical obscurity, but his light shines on.
¿Le Siguen Utilizando Esto? Our Bad.
* Technically, Mexico was paid for the “lost” territory. So really, everything worked out. ∞T.
