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Daily Archives: January 7, 2011

Trucker Bombs: The Highway’s Hidden Threat

07 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Alabama, Aurora Peterbiltalis, bathtub crank, black coffee, drugs, golden grenades of ammoniac horror, highways, Honeybucket, IEDs, Improvised Explosive Devices, interstates, long-haul trucking, methamphetamine, Over The Top, PISS, piss boys, Sylvester Stallone, teamsters, the reek of the homeless, the Yellow Kid, theocratic cultural backwaters, trucker bombs, truckers, truckstop whores, United States of America, urination, urine, Utah, West Virginia

By Smaktakula

If You Think You’ll Only Encounter IEDs In Theocratic Cultural Backwaters, Think Again: You’ll Find Them In Places As Close To Home As Alabama, West Virginia or Utah.

At first glance, there is much to envy in the life of the long-haul trucker.  While his contemporaries toil away their lives in antiseptic cubes which vary only in size and color, the trucker remains free, a servant of no man, his domain the byways and backroads, his destination the horizon, with the call of the road his only companion and the eternal asphalt his uneasy ally.  Then there are the perks–scalding black coffee, bathtub crank and toothless truckstop whores.  To those who don’t know any better, it might seem an idyllic life.

Have You Ever Stopped To Consider How Much Of Your Life Is Wasted Standing In Front Of These Things?

But for those perspicacious enough to see past the glitz and the glory, a different world reveals itself.  In fact, long-haul trucking makes for a hard and lonely life, one made all the more arduous by hidden inconveniences which go unnoticed by most of workaday America.

“I’m Doin’ #1 Right Now!”

Trucker bombs are the result of one of these unseen inconveniences.  Very much the IEDs of America’s roadways, these golden grenades of ammoniac horror wait silently among the roadside detritus for the hapless charity organization or prison work crew misfortunate enough to stumble upon it.  Because of the time constraints placed upon them, many truckers eschew the everyday activities which would otherwise slow them down, such as the bathroom break.

Some Truckers Have Revived The Old Tradition Of ‘Piss Boys.’

Teamsters, who have previously taken the art of beating the system to new and dizzying heights, have devised a means by which drivers can cheat biology’s heretofore unshakable summons.  The teamsters’ workaround was not only so simple and elegant as to almost defy belief, but also so efficient that it is a wonder it has yet to come into greater use among non-commercial drivers.

The Problem Isn’t New. This Pamphlet From 1923 Tells The Horrifying Story Of A Young Boy Enfeebled For Life By A Trucker Bomb.

The system works like this: when a driver needs to relieve himself, rather than stop to find facilities, he urinates directly into an empty and–most critically–resealable container.  Plastic milk jugs are the preferred receptacle, but other varieties of plastic containers as well as some glass jars work well for urine storage.  The result is a trucker bomb.

The Aurora Peterbiltalis: This Beautiful Phenomenon Should Be On Everyone’s Honeybucket List.

As the second half of the name might imply to the careful listener, trucker bombs save precious time by being easily disposable.  When the containment unit is three-quarters full of human fluids (truckers say that to fill the container beyond 85% is to invite disaster), it can be discarded easily and quickly by hurling it from the window of a speeding truck.  The resultant explosion is a phenomenon described as “a golden spectacle” by those fortunate enough to have witnessed it.

Is This What You Want For Your Kid? To Stink Like A Homeless Person?

 

Things We Think About: Time Travel

07 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in History

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

barely legal historical figures, BeyOTCH, Buck Rogers, death by fire, doing the nasty, famous martyrs, fucking with primitives, Jeanne d'Arc, Joan of Arc, killing Hitler, Lehman Brothers, Maid of Orléans, martyrdom, Mr. Beyotch, normal reasons people go back in time, pederast, perverts of the future, sexual congress with a saint would be pretty sweet, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French, the space-time continuum, Things we think about, time travel, Twiki

By Smaktakula

If The Future Has Anything To Teach, It's That The Pederasts Will Outlive Us All.

We think it would be way cool to be able to travel backward in time, but not for the typically cited reasons, such as dumping that Lehman stock while it’s still hot, killing Hitler or doing the nasty with Joan of Arc.  Instead, we’d use this precious opportunity to fuck with people from simpler, more primitive societies.

For example, if visiting late 19th Century Victorian England, Smaktakula might insist to all he meets that he is a certain Mr. Beyotch, placing a ridiculous emphasis on the second syllable so that it rises in pitch to end almost in a screech.

“Pleased to meet you, Mr. Beyotch.”

“My dear sir–that’s BeyOTCH!”

Man, that would be anachronistically epic.

The "Maid" Of Orléans. The Chick's French--How Hard Can It Be To Get All Up In That Chainmail?

FYI:  Joan became legal circa 1430 AD, only to die a year later in 1431 AD.  That’s your window of opportunity right there. ∞T.

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