Tags
buggery, Canada, Chris Elliot, Groundhog Day, groundhogs, hyperthyroidism, insurance professionals, Ned Ryerson, Pennsylvania, Punxsutawney, Punxsutawney Phill, true meanings of holidays, TV weathermen, United States of America
By Smaktakula
"AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!"
On which, not unlike our superstitious, cave-dwelling, moon-worshipping ancestors, we seek guidance on the mysteries of nature from a hyperthyroid rat named Punxsutawney Phil. Legend has it that if Phil sees his own shadow on February 2, you’ll be doomed to repeat the same awful day of your life–taking piano lessons, assaulting insurance agents and killing time with Chris Elliot–until you mend your selfish ways.
Punxsutawney Phil Is No Less Reliable Than This Asshole.
Regardless Of Whether He Sees His Shadow, Phil Can Expect Six More Weeks Of Buggery.
Promethean Times 
One of my favorite holidays, because you don’t have to buy anything or really do much of anything except speculate on the secret life of large rodents. However, if one must look to a rodent who bears a striking resemblance to a hairy armadillo for forecasting the weather, I would follow Buckeye Chuck.
Nicely done!