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By Smaktakula

Yesterday, I Was A Lazy Pile OF Guts, But Today, I Am An ATHLETE.

College athletics hold a special place in American hearts. In many American backwaters too rural to support a professional team, college sports serve to unite entire communities and regions in a shared passion. Moreover, fans of college sports claim a moral advantage over those of professional sports, as college athletes ostensibly play not for money, but for the love of competition. In this way collegiate competition achieves a transcendent purity absent from higher-level sports.

But Earning A Spot On The Varsity Fart-Lighting Squad Is Pretty Cool, Too.

That is about to change. Competitive eating, the vulgar non-sport which allows shambling, ham-fisted grotesqueries to masquerade as athletes, is now popping up on campuses across the nations like dark spots of malignancy in a lung X-Ray. Enter the National Collegiate Competitive Eating Association (NCCEA). This organization is dedicated to metastasizing this vulgar endeavor throughout institutions of higher learning across the nation.

Racy Photos Of Scantily-Clad Athletes Such As David Beckham, Danica Patrick Or This Dude Can Be Very Sexy.

And why not? Is it right that college athletics should somehow remain inviolate while a creeping tide of ‘weakest-linkism’ subsumes the college experience? In an environment where personal responsibility has been eschewed in favor of inclusion and empowerment in lieu of academics, it is only fitting that sport now too should trumpet the triumph of the mediocre.

Today This Little Pussy Would Have Whined His Way Into A Starting Spot.

Sports purists may have difficulty seeing the beauty and grace inherent in an activity where the competitors, or ‘gurgitators,‘ stuff themselves in an obscene culinary orgy only to vomit into their own mouths before swallowing it again, where glory is gained not through hour upon hour of practice, but by virtue of having been made a freakish living stomach by a capricious God. This hidebound and myopic viewpoint is terribly anachronistic, and fails to take into account the realities of our age of mediocrity. Today, when everyone is special regardless of his actual ability, it no longer matters if an individual strives to achieve a worthwhile and long-desired aim, or even, really, that he strives at all.

Oh My God, Can We Tell You? We Are Just So Fucking Proud To Be American Right Now.

The US is considering updating the nickname ‘The Land of Plenty’ to the more-current ‘The Land of Good & Plenties.”  ∞ T.