Tags
America the fat, America the sedentary, college athletics, competitive eating, conspicuous consumption, fat people, fatty fatty two-by-four couldn't get through the bathroom door, gurgitators, National Collegiate Competitive Eating Association, NCCEA, Rudy, United States of America, vulgar non-sports, waddling grotesquery, Why am I so fat?
By Smaktakula
Yesterday, I Was A Lazy Pile OF Guts, But Today, I Am An ATHLETE.
College athletics hold a special place in American hearts. In many American backwaters too rural to support a professional team, college sports serve to unite entire communities and regions in a shared passion. Moreover, fans of college sports claim a moral advantage over those of professional sports, as college athletes ostensibly play not for money, but for the love of competition. In this way collegiate competition achieves a transcendent purity absent from higher-level sports.
But Earning A Spot On The Varsity Fart-Lighting Squad Is Pretty Cool, Too.
That is about to change. Competitive eating, the vulgar non-sport which allows shambling, ham-fisted grotesqueries to masquerade as athletes, is now popping up on campuses across the nations like dark spots of malignancy in a lung X-Ray. Enter the National Collegiate Competitive Eating Association (NCCEA). This organization is dedicated to metastasizing this vulgar endeavor throughout institutions of higher learning across the nation.
Racy Photos Of Scantily-Clad Athletes Such As David Beckham, Danica Patrick Or This Dude Can Be Very Sexy.
And why not? Is it right that college athletics should somehow remain inviolate while a creeping tide of ‘weakest-linkism’ subsumes the college experience? In an environment where personal responsibility has been eschewed in favor of inclusion and empowerment in lieu of academics, it is only fitting that sport now too should trumpet the triumph of the mediocre.
Today This Little Pussy Would Have Whined His Way Into A Starting Spot.
Sports purists may have difficulty seeing the beauty and grace inherent in an activity where the competitors, or ‘gurgitators,‘ stuff themselves in an obscene culinary orgy only to vomit into their own mouths before swallowing it again, where glory is gained not through hour upon hour of practice, but by virtue of having been made a freakish living stomach by a capricious God. This hidebound and myopic viewpoint is terribly anachronistic, and fails to take into account the realities of our age of mediocrity. Today, when everyone is special regardless of his actual ability, it no longer matters if an individual strives to achieve a worthwhile and long-desired aim, or even, really, that he strives at all.
Oh My God, Can We Tell You? We Are Just So Fucking Proud To Be American Right Now.
Promethean Times 
There are many things I never want to experience in my lifetime. Sitting in the chair vacated by that naked fat man is one of them.
Well, hold on now–who doesn’t like climbing into a warm chair on a cold day? Okay, well just add to that a little–Who doesn’t like climbing into a warm, moist and slightly whiffy chair on a cold day?
Thank you. I am no longer hungry. Therefore, I will not pig out at dinner. My waistline owes you.
As a former college lacrosse player, I think I would have gotten my varsity letter a lot faster if this were a legitimate sport in my day.
Ah, progress…
I have questions, several disturbing questions…
“Today, when everyone is special regardless of his actual ability, it no longer matters if an individual strives to achieve a worthwhile and long-desired aim, or even, really, that he strives at all.”
Well written, and well put as ever. “Dumbing down” is spreading at a similar rate as obesity across the world. Seems the movie Wall-E was quite prophetic!
This is the 3rd reference to Wall-E I’ve heard/read this week. I’m going to have to re-watch it….
In fairness, it’s a very profound movie for all that it’s mostly silent and aimed at children. I also like Pixar’s ‘Up’, it made me cry a little which is always surprising.
Humanity’s future will be a combination of Wall-E and Idiocracy.
I haven’t seen Wall-E, although to echo Alex’s comment from somewhere up or down this thread, I probably should. Having said that, a future even somewhat similar to that depicted in Idocracy is pretty terrifying. More terrifying is that we seem to not only be on the road to it, but have ourselves a plum spot in an otherwise-empty carpool lane.
I have yet to see that movie, although I will get around to it. Until then I rely on the wisdom of the great prophets.
Fucking hysterical!
My dinner was brought out while I read this. Weird timing.
I need to work on my reading comprehension. When I first read your comment I though it said “my dinner was brought up while I read this.” I thought vomiting would have been a pretty apt response, given the subject matter.