Alabama, dope, Easter, feeding tube, grass, headlines, Helen Keller, hemp, LA Riots, marijuana, muslims, NBA, pot, prostitution, reefer, Reginald Denny, Secret Service, sweet sweet cheeba, weed
In which we stop reading after the headlines, and tell you the rest:
11-year-old girl dies after fight with 5th grader over a boy ~ The 11-year-old clearly didn’t want it badly enough.
Special Needs Student Set On Fire At School ~ Among his special needs now?–Lots and lots of Bactine.
Feds send lady pot every month ~ Meet the future Mrs. Smaktakula!
Take it from a girl who cannot eat, a feeding tube is no fad ~ Just what the fuck is wrong with you that you think you have to tell us that?
Donated kidney gets third owner ~ Dude, if you weren’t gonna keep it, you could have given the fucking thing back.
10 Things Parents Should Know About The Avengers (Spoiler-Free) ~ Thor’s a pedophile, Captain America’s got a raging coke habit, and the Hulk’s a ginormous DayGlo homo. See the flick for the other seven.
Prostitute gives NBA advice ~ A professional’s advice is needed to stop them from dribbling before they shoot.
Man loves naked stone lady ~ That’s a little different! But at least it’s not a naked stone man. That would be an offense against nature.
Your Vagina Isn’t Just Too Big, Too Floppy, and Too Hairy—It’s Also Too Brown ~ And can we talk about the smell?
Helen Keller-brand glasses? ~ They’re called “gheghek5gkedk.” Ask for them by name.
CHRIS BROWN’S NEW PICKUP LINE: “I PROMISE I WON’T BEAT YOU” ~ We get so much tail with that one.
How Muslims View Easter ~ Just another day to blow shit up.
How I Stopped Drowning in Drink ~ And got all preachy.
Cops: Woman burned to death owed suspect $2000 ~ For $2,000 we’ll just slap you around a little–maybe cut you up a bit. We don’t start burning until you’re into us for at least five figures.
Secret Service scandal linked to lack of women in agency ~ Well, right–if there were more ladies around, the fellas wouldn’t have had to go to the brothel in the first place.
20th Anniversary Of The Los Angeles Riots Remembered Sunday ~ Not by Reginald Denny–that guy doesn’t remember shit!
Gay comes up short in first playoff game ~ And if losing the game wasn’t bad enough, afterwards, Straight and his asshole buddies threw rocks at Gay.
Lawyer: Autistic boy’s teacher didn’t call him ‘bastard’ ~ “Completely untrue. I called him a ‘wretched little Mongoloid doomed to shamble through life on the taxpayer’s dime leaving a whiff of urine in his lurching wake,’ but you know, retards don’t understand ‘people-talk’ very well, so that could sound like ‘bastard.'”
Pregnant Girl to Wed Slain Shooting Victim ~ Sexual congress with the dead is illegal in 49 states. Hello, Alabama!
11-Year-Old Girl Who Gave Birth Is Not Normal ~ The devil you say!