The American Language is an adaptive and remarkable tongue, borrowing unhesitatingly from other languages such as Latin, German and English. But this easy exchange of language is dependent at the very least upon non-hostility between America and the lucky nation whose language is being appropriated. When relations between the US and the donor country are strained, language is often the first victim.
Anti-German sentiment during the First World War caused significant changes in language. Not only did the British ruling family, then known as the House of Saxe-Coburg, change its name to the more Anglo-acceptable (and decidedly Hallmarky) name of ‘Windsor,’ but also prompted Americans to change the names of foodstuffs such as Frankfurters and sauerkraut. The hot-dogs earned the ridiculous sobriquet ‘Liberty Pups,’ while the inedible rancid condiment was called ‘Liberty Cabbage.’
Increasingly, however, Americans have grown too stupid even to recognize words as being of foreign origin, and tend to express their frustrations toward words which so obviously pertain to foreign cultures as to be unmistakable. A relatively recent example of this was during the United States’ Second Groovy Gulf Adventure, when France, heretofore such a reliable and staunch ally, did not count itself among the ‘Coalition of the Willing.” Jacques Chirac, the then-French President, stated unequivocally that French forces would not be used for military adventurism, but would instead stand ready for the inevitable day when they would be once again called upon to surrender their beloved homeland to the invading Germans. Americans responded by changing the name of the one French thing everybody could identify: French Fries. That’s why today, every red-blooded American patriot still calls the greasy little spuds ‘Freedom Fries.’
However, is it enough to simply change the name of a single–if popular–artery-clogging snack? Of course it isn’t–and if you had to think about that answer, ‘Comrade,’ then you’ve clearly demonstrated on which side of the Axis of Evil you rotate. Effective immediately, Promethean Times demands that all good Americans (by which we mean the world’s population) refer to “French” concepts by their newly coined acceptable patriotic substitutes.
French Cuffs: Freedom Cuffs
French Kissing: Liberty Licking
French Door: Escape Hatch
French Manicure: The Columbia Clip
French’s Mustard: La Sauce de Capitulation (colloquially known as ‘surrender sauce’)
French Curve: Triumphant Arch (see what we did there?)
French Braid: Bad Hair Day
French Roast: Shock & Java
French Stewart: Indiana Jones
The French Connection: Syphilis