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adoption, Al Gore, anti-semitism, Appalachia, Baltimore, Barack Obama, cannabis, Chicago, China, ChocoFührer, climate change, comical despots, dope, Electoral College, Frosted Mini-Wheats, grass, headlines, hemp, incest, Islam, Joe Blanton, losers, marijuana, Maryland, Michael Phelps, Mitt Romney, Modern Family, Mormons, morons, New York, NYPD, places that suck, reefer, Robert Mugabe, sea otters, sharks, sweet sweet cheeba, teacher's strike, Waltons, weed, white people, you got a real purty mouth, Zimbabwe
By Smaktakula
‘Cause You’ve Already Got The Job, Bro-Ski!
As the news articles of the day are so replete with unfamiliar words and challenging concepts, we’re happy simply to comment on the headlines.
***
Carrying these babies for my brother ~ Is considered taboo outside of Appalachia.
Gulag Reform: Will China Stop Sending Its Dissidents to Labor Camps? ~ If you first ask yourself just what actions the global community has taken to discourage China’s illiberal ways, you can probably answer this one on your own.
The World’s Oldest Profession For Men ~ Hunter-gatherer.
Shuttle Endeavour embarking on new mission to Los Angeles museum ~ It’ll be the shuttle’s least dangerous and most boring mission to date!
Sea Otters To Combat Climate Change? ~ The working plan is for these adorable sea-weasels to smash climate change against their tummies with a rock.
A Great Many “Green” Initiatives Are Mostly About Looking Cute Anyway.
Baltimore to immigrants: Welcome in, no questions asked ~ Well, someone’s got to live in that shithole. Why not someone who doesn’t know any better?
Romney assails Obama campaign on Akin, abortion ~ That’s a curious–and rather bold–strategy. But sometimes you’ve just got to turn into the skid, folks.
Muslim leaders are told NYPD spying in NJ ended ~ Civil libertarians praised the decision, saying that the Bill of Rights grants every citizen the right to plot the downfall of the Great Satan without said malefic supernatural entity breathing down his neck.
Michael Phelps spotted with girlfriend on red carpet ~ Do you sometimes wonder if we ever come up with a clever response which is in such cataclysmically rotten taste that even we refuse to use it? Wonder no longer, Friends!
The Weatherman Is Not a Moron ~ What? Sorry, that’s “Mormon.” The weatherman isn’t a Mormon. He certainly is a moron, though.
Dictators are only a couple of belly laughs from revolution ~ Successful dictators simply don’t get jokes.
Zimbabwe’s ChocoFührer Credits His Longevity To Being Terrifyingly Unfunny.
Who’s the monkey? ~ You are, fuck-face. We thought that since you asked, you really wanted to know.
Son, I Think We Know Why You’ve Been Having A Hard Time Getting A Date ~ It’s because you’re adopted. Ha ha! Your mom and I wracked our brains trying think of a funny way to tell you. Sorry, Son–I don’t know why you’re such a loser with the ladies–but I can tell you for sure that you didn’t get it from me!
The light, dark side of anti-Semitism ~ It’s a Frosted Mini-Wheat of intolerance!
Viral video: Sheep that screams like a human ~ It’s an a-a-a-a-a-bomin-a-a-a-a-tion.
Teachers’ Strike in Chicago Tests Mayor and Union ~ Since most of those folks were educated in the Chicago School District, unless someone feeds them the answers, they’re most likely gonna fail that test.
Al Gore calls for an end to the Electoral College ~ After all the Electoral College has done for him? Talk about an ingrate.
Although Regarded By Many As The Winner Of The 2000 US Presidential Election, Al Gore Has Thrown Himself Wholeheartedly Into His New Role As ‘Loser.’
What’s a $4000 Suit Worth? ~ A € 3,097 suit, a kimono worth 311,025 Yen, or a filthy scrap of burlap with holes cut in it for 1,447,600 Zimbabwean Dollars.
Shark attack Paralympian pictures great white chasing him to win bronze ~ Considering what it cost you, if you had to do it again, do you think you’d picture that monster chasing you for at least a silver?
Opting Out of the ‘Rug Rat Race’ ~ Will put you in a much better position to succeed financially. This one isn’t a joke, people.
Who Is The Smallest Government Spender Since Eisenhower? Would You Believe It’s Barack Obama? ~ Nope. You don’t really believe that either.
If Joe Blanton likes boos, he’s pitching the right way ~ We’re pretty sure that he doesn’t dig the animus from fans at all, and that he just sucks ass.
‘The Waltons’ Meets ‘Modern Family’ ~ Not nearly as charming as we thought it would be. It ends with someone squealing like a pig, if you catch our drift.
“Now, Just What The Hell Do You Mean, ‘Goodnight, John Boy’? The Evening’s Still Young, Sweet-Ass, And You Look About As Juicy As A Freshwater Clam.”
Bill passes to keep mentally ill sex predators off streets ~ Violent sex-fiends do their best work indoors anyhow.
Banning weed is bad medicine ~ THANK YOU.
Girl found in NY lake clinging to dead body ~ Sure it’s icky, but keep in mind this happened in New York. The young woman used the water-logged corpse as a flotation device because her only other choices were a box of medical waste and another corpse.
Romney on healthcare, taxes ~ “Don’t need it, don’t pay ’em.”
The Biggest Innovations in the History of Food ~Sliced bread is often held up as a prime example.
Obama greeted with bear hug by pizza parlor owner ~ BREAKING NEWS: Local lunatic gunned down by Secret Service. Details after the break.
A Nice Sign Or A Friendly Wave Usually Work Best.
Promethean Times 
Now I really want to know what the Phelps commentary was…
I’m sorry, my friend, but I must take that to my grave.
O.M.G. Dude! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
These Are Some Of Your Best Yet!!!
I Know I Can Always Count On My Smak To Make The Day More Enjoyable.
Wait…
…Hmm…
…That Sounds Like I Have A Heroin Addiction…
…I’ll Change Smak To RK In This Instance.
😉
hahahahahaha
You Crack Me Up, Dude, FO SHO!!!
-B.
I Can Always Count On My Smak To Make The Day More Enjoyable.
Wait…
…Hmm…
…That Sounds Like I Have A Heroin Addiction…
Thanks, Brad! We’re no better for you or more socially acceptable than heroin, but we’re quite a bit cheaper.
You had me until you made an adoption joke. I know I sound like a stick-up-my-butt politically correct jerk, but one of my children was adopted. Adoption jokes just aren’t funny, at least to me.
You had me until you made an adoption joke
Shoot. We should have put that joke last then, ’cause you missed out on about a dozen other good ones (plus a couple duds).
We all have our thresholds, the things that offend us. I understand that. Moreover, I appreciate the conscious choice involved in being an adoptive parent.
Having said that, I’m surprised that this one offended the way it did, as (to my thinking, anyway, and I wrote the thing) it really doesn’t say anything about adoption one way or the other.
Still, thanks for reading.
Loved the reference to ‘Deliverance.’ I really need to watch that one again. That and ‘Papillon,” one of my favorites.
But now I’m really wondering about the Phelps one, too, though I suspect I can imagine.
I’ve only seen parts of “Papillon” but I know it means “Butterfly.”
Funny “Deliverance” story. Back in college, me and a friend of mine (who was a resident adviser in a dorm) would round up Freshman and ask them if they wanted to watch a movie. We’d turn off all the lights and gather everybody on my friend’s bed and then freak the kids out with “Deliverance.”
You know, when I write it here it makes no sense, but it was AWESOME!
You’re probably right about the Phelps’ joke, but I will never give it utterance. I feel dirty even thinking it.
Now that’s a nasty college prank. Bet those guys still jump when they see a pig.
Funny you should mention Joe Blanton. I’ve been working on a blog-post about him. He’s actually one of my heroes (yes, I set the bar rather low.)
“The Frosted Mini-Wheat of intolerance.” Loved that one.
Great stuff, man.
Bill
Funny you should mention Joe Blanton. I’ve been working on a blog-post about him
I’d be interested to read that. And believe it or not, I kinda understand. Jamey Carroll (currently of the Twins) is one of my baseball heroes.
Thanks, Bill!
Chocofuhrer…that’s hilarious.
I also don’t see how anyone can afford more than one rug rat- my condolences on anyone paying for one child, let alone feeding multiple mouths. That is truth right there! He’s 21 and I’ll be paying for his happy carcass for years to come!
He’s 21 and I’ll be paying for his happy carcass for years to come!
That’s very true. However, he’ll someday find that karma is a bitch. Trust me on this one.
my condolences on anyone paying for one child, let alone feeding multiple mouths.
Thank you. I’m actually a little jealous of people who plan their pregnancies.
Mentally Ill Sex Predators off the street!? Thank god. I only associate with the sane ones.
They’re the best kind!
Me–I only work with the smart ones. They do their best work in arcades.
I can just read the captions of your pictures and be happy.
And happy is good enough! Thanks, Brigitte!
Good one.
Brilliant.
Sea otters are absolutely adorable, and I have doubt their ability to smash climate change against their tummies with a rock is greater than all the ‘green’ initiatives put together.
Thanks, Tom–I have to admit a fondness for otters as well (and all of genus mustelidae–the weasel family, love ’em). If looking cute is all that’s needed to save the world, we’ll we’re halfway there!
I want a pair of those sea-weasels (they look so sweet, my dogs would probably terrorize them, though). The picture of the Modern Family, that was kinda scary…I’ve seen Deliverance several times…yeah, yeah, say what you want.
You rock, Smak – always hilarious to me!!
Thanks as always, Chica Blanca–maple syrup isn’t half as sweet as you.
I’ve seen Deliverance several times myself.
I’m not surprised though that you’ve seen it more than once (WARNING:UNPROVOKED DIG AT SOUTHERNERS IMMINENT!), I mean, isn’t it part of your cultural heritage?
Thanks, Chica Blanca!
Juicy as a freshwater clam?
LOL!!!!
Glad I made you laugh, Alex–thanks for stopping by!
Dammit, now I want to know what reply is so unsavory that even you won’t use it. I mean, come on, you need to push the envelope occasionally. Also, seriously, why do we have the electoral college anymore? Now that we’re more than 13 states, and some of us are literate, why can’t we just vote like other countries?
That’s an interesting point. I like the idea of the electoral college over a straight popular vote, because it allows smaller (less-populous, I mean) states to have a little more of a say in the contest. However, I would like to see all 50 States ditch the “winner-take-all” format (a few states do portion out their electoral votes). Otherwise, what good is a Republican’s vote in California or a Democrat in Idaho?
I love those little sea-weasels floating on their backs paw in paw! Of course if I tried to pet one it would probably chomp off three fingers of my hand.
Unfortunately, that notion is informed by by generations of institutional anti-otterism. While it’s true that they have sharp teeth and no doubt relish the flavor of Lame Adventures-Flavored Ladyfingers™, but their tiny little mouths are too small to take three of your fingers. I think that, worst-case scenario, you’re looking at one, maybe two fingers gnawed down to the knuckle.
I too have a weakness for otters. They–along with lolcats–are Kryptonite to my affected misanthropy. We have ’em here, and sometimes I’ll watch them for a few minutes, but it has never even occurred to me to pet one. Now it will, of course.
Please publish a picture of what’s left of your hand after you’ve gotten too up close and personal with one.