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Daily Archives: June 22, 2012

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: A Lesson From Smart-Mouth Eddie

22 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

douchebaggery, it's not funny when it's me!, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, teachers, when a boy becomes a man

By Tardsie

Your Child’s Teacher Was Most Likely Not A Juvenile Offender, Has Probably Never Been Kicked Out Of College And Isn’t Going To Go On To Be A Word Press Spammer. We’re Just Saying That It Happens From Time To Time.

I taught at an after-school clinic in Southern California for a while after I graduated college. The pay blew ass, but to this day it remains the job I have most enjoyed doing, and in which I believe I did the most good. I taught reading and college-prep writing.

I tended to get the hardcases, for whom I had some affection–kids, like twelve-year-old Eddie Jong, who were too damn smart for their own good. Eddie was considered a particularly onerous student because of his inappropriate and razor-keen tongue. I didn’t mind working with Eddie, though, which was fortunate, because nobody else wanted to.

Being just a little bit lippy myself, I had a knack for taming smartmouths, and mostly I was able to keep Eddie reined in. But in a dastardly move that regular readers of the True-Ass Tales might see as some sort of karmic justice, there was one time when, in front of at least fifteen other teachers and students, Eddie got me good.

Today He’s An Annoyance, But Tomorrow He’ll Be Taking Over The World. Or In Jail. One Of The Two.

The thing which transpired couldn’t have been something he’d planned. He was simply a panther crouched in the tall grass alongside a watering-hole, and I the hobbled emu foolish enough to drink.

“I hate teachers,” he said one day. He said that a lot.

I sighed. “Yeah, Eddie–well let me tell you something, we just love you.” I was undone almost before I had finished the words.

The little bastard’s eyes widened in ersatz horror as he backed away from the table. “Did you hear that everybody? Tardsie said he loved me. HE’S A FUCKING PERVERT!”

Oh, The Little Fucker!

It took almost a minute for the other teachers to get their students refocused, a task made more difficult by their own snickering. In the meantime, I dragged Eddie up to the front desk, and told the attendant that I was docking an insane amount of points (the kids could earn toys and prizes–some of which were actually pretty cool–based on their points, which obviously, meant a great deal) for not only his improper and disruptive behavior but for his disgusting potty-mouthery as well.

It was the right thing to do, and when I next saw Eddie, he was suitably chastened–temporarily anyway. Although we would do battle many more times while I worked there, I was careful never again to let that crafty little turd score a knockout blow. I like to think, however, that I was in some way responsible for the maturation of Eddie’s devastating wit. The hardest thing about it was never being able to tell that smart-mouthed little shit how very proud he made me.

There Is Nothing More I Can Teach You, My Child.

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Jerks

22 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

assholes, Baby Bop, Barney the Purple Dinosaur, Donald Trump, helpful hints, jerks, Mr. Rogers, the Donald

By Smaktakula

Every now and again you’ll find yourself in the uncomfortable position of having to cooperate for a short time with an asshole. Ever the consummate gentleman (or gentlelady), you will no doubt make the best of a bad situation, resisting the urge to draw attention to the low-grade animosity between the two of you.

However, comporting himself like a mature adult may be asking too much of this twat’s self-discipline and dignity. In an effort to wrest control of the situation (and by extension some small piece of his sad and wasted life), he may hit you with a blustery line beginning with the painfully obvious assertion, “I don’t like you, and you don’t like me.”

ACTION! “I Love You–You Love Me, We’re A . . . A . . .Look, I Can’t Do This, Okay? Baby Bop, I Want You Out Of My Fucking Life. The Thought Of Even One More Day Waking Up To Your Face Fills Me With A Numb Horror From Which There Is No Escape. Why Won’t You Die, Baby Bop? Why Won’t You–” CUT!

It’s a fair bet that someone so reliant on an old movie-house chestnut like that will be sluggish on his mental feet–the right comment delivered at the right moment will shut this joker down. Be ready!

Your opponent will be ready for at most two reactions.  He will expect you either to engage him in mutual verbal hostility, or else sink into a sullen silence. He has likely crafted an action plan for either response, and it is critical that you keep him off-balance and outside his comfort zone.

Many People Believe That Being A Bloated, Caricatured, Acquisitive Vulgarian Is Something To Be Admired. Fortunately, Only The Donald Holds In Such Esteem Guys Who Hide Their Baldness By Plastering The Strands Of A Greasy Mop Along The Smooth Contours Of Their Skulls.

Immediately after he delivers his line–before he finishes his sentence, if possible–respond with a completely perplexed, “I like you fine.”*

Completely unprepared such an eventuality, this clown will be instantly rendered more desperate for a cue card than Lindsay Lohan in The Merry Wives of Windsor. He will splash about for a few moments, but if not thrown a rope in the form of an angry reaction on your part, he will soon enough sink below the surface with no trace of his passing.

Congratulations! You’ve gone all Gandhi on this guy, scoring a knockout with a metaphorical kick to the nuts, and carried it off with all the panache and precision of Fred Astaire.You can now expect that whatever you need to accomplish together should be easy enough, with no lip from the cowed ass-clown.

“Remember: There’s Somebody Who Thinks You’re Pretty Special Just The Way You Are. It’s Not Me, Though; I Don’t Particularly Care For You.”

*An alternate answer which is generally less successful, but more efficacious in those instances when it does succeed, is best employed by actors or by individuals with expressive personalities.  This version requires a longish pause after jerkwad’s line.  Then affecting a look of mild shock and barely concealed hurt, say in a small voice, “You don’t like me?”

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